5 MP3 Audio clips from The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024)

PLAY ALL 5 CLIPS

Clip 1

If there's one thing the British would never and could never have submitted to, it was the wearing of lederhosen. We could have dealt with large pink sausages, but not lederhosen.

Winston Churchill

The entire servicing, repairing, and rearming of Hitler's Atlantic U-boat fleet is operated by two Nazi tug boats and an Italian supply ship in Fernando Po. I need men who are willing to go and sink those ships.

Ian Fleming

Why don't we just air-raid Fernando Po and sink the ships?

Winston Churchill

Because crafty Germans, being crafty Germans, have positioned themselves in a Spanish colony. Fernando Po is neutral territory. If we attack that colony, the rest of unoccupied Europe will join the Nazis, and it's only a question of time before we find ourselves frying big pink sausages wearing nothing but lederhosen.

Clip 2

Freddy Alvarez, known as "The Buzz", is an established frogman as well as an explosives expert. Just the person you need around if you're trying to blow up a large Nazi warship.

Geoffrey Appleyard

If we're going to try and sink a large ship, we'll need Freddy "The Buzz" Frogman. He can swim across the channel with his feet tied together. Admittedly, he's a convicted arsonist and a terrible misery unless he's destroying something. But he's very good at blowing things up.

Clip 3

Anders Lassen is mistaken. There's no such place as "Nazi Heaven". There's a special place reserved in the fires of hell for Nazis and an express elevator to get them there.

Gus March-Phillips

What do we have here? Gestapo.

Freddy Alvarez

How'd you know?

Gus March-Phillips

The badder they are, the better they're dressed. I really must get me one of those coats.

Freddy Alvarez

They must be here for Apple. It's either torture or, uh, extraction, sir.

Gus March-Phillips

If they extract him, it'll be the end of Apple. We won't be seeing him again. I'm afraid, gentlemen, we're not going to have the luxury of night. We're going to have to go in now.

[Nazi soldiers begin shouting and screaming as one -by-one, they're taken out by arrows]

Henry Hayes

So, what's happened there then?

Freddy Alvarez

It looks like they've been plugged full of arrows, Haysey.

Henry Hayes

Well, where did the arrows go?

Freddy Alvarez

Straight through them.

Anders Lassen

There were two more round the other side.

Henry Hayes

Where are they now?

Anders Lassen

Same place as these two. Nazi heaven.

Clip 4

Anders Lassen likes to think that he's a lover, not a fighter. I'm not sure I'd like to see him in action, then. Not if his propensity for killing is anything to go by.

Gus March-Phillips

Never mind us, Apple, old boy. Remind me again how you found your nipples attached to a car battery.

Geoffrey Appleyard

Yes. Wasn't my fault. Bad intelligence. Plus it was almost worth it to watch the heart-snatcher at work.

Anders Lassen

I'm better known as a lover than a fighter.

Henry Hayes

Jesus Christ! If that's how you fight, I'd hate to see you love.

Anders Lassen

You don't have to worry about that, you're too pretty for me. Freddy, on the other hand...

Freddy Alvarez

You'd have to catch me first.

Anders Lassen

I do love to hunt.

Freddy Alvarez

You'd be lucky.

Anders Lassen

I'm really getting quite hot.

Clip 5

Damn the limited radio technology of WWII. It must have been so hard to communicate with the admiralty. Especially when you didn't want to communicate with the admiralty!

Admiral Pound

March-Phillips, this is Admiral Pound giving you a direct order. Abort this mission now. I will make sure that none of you see the light of day again. You will spend the rest of your lives locked up at His Majesty's pleasure. That includes all of you. Geoffrey Appleyard, Anders Lassen, Freddy Buzz...

Gus March-Phillips

I'm sorry...

Admiral Pound

...and Henry Hayes.

Gus March-Phillips

...can't quite make out what you're saying. Bye.

Admiral Pound

Is... is that clear?

Gus March-Phillips

Sorry? What? I can't... I can't quite hear you. Please... fu*k off.