27 MP3 Audio clips from Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)

PLAY ALL 27 CLIPS

Clip 1

I've never seen Gossip Girl but, if what Wade Wilson says is true, I probably don't want to. I don't like the idea of popping an awkward boner around family or friends.

Wade Wilson

There are two-hundred and six bones in the human body. Two-hundred and seven if I'm watching Gossip Girl.

Clip 2

Smashturbating. It's like masturbating but you use a pair of toy Hulk hands. Apparently. I'd never heard of it, either.

Wade Wilson

I've waited for this moment for so long. Thank you, sir, for seeing me. I... I firmly believe that my services could be of great use to your organisation. Now I know I was caught smashturbating in the lobby of Stark Tower -

Harold Hogan

Smashturbating?

Wade Wilson

- but I can assure you that -

Harold Hogan

I'm sorry, what, what was that?

Wade Wilson

No, I'm sorry. Uh, that... that's, uh, when you get those toy Hulk hands, right? And then you just, you look down, and you just... you brace yourself, and you ravage the midsection. Pinch the...

Harold Hogan

Yeah. Okay. I get it. Okay, thank you. The picture's painted.

Wade Wilson

You get the gist.

Clip 3

Wade is a used car salesman, about as far from his alter-ego as it's possible to get. And he sucks at it, to be perfectly honest.

Wade Wilson (V/O)

You know what they say. When one door closes, your locker at work opens.

Wade Wilson

Now let's go sell some certified pre-owned vehicles, motherfu...

[CUT TO: Car interior. WADE is sandwiched between two children on the rear seat during a test drive]

Technically, the... the Carnival's not a minivan. It's an MPV.

Tammy

So how does the Kia compare to the Honda Odyssey?

Wade Wilson

The Odyssey? That's a great question. It doesn't fu*king suck.

Tammy

You know, you can answer the question without swearing.

Wade Wilson

I'm sorry, Tammy, I don't, I don't have kids. Not that I haven't dreamt of that, but I don't have a lot of vaginal sex.

Clip 4

Wade and Blind Al share a unique relationship. A relationship built on foundations of insults, wisecracks and put-downs. But it's all good.

Blind Al

Make any sales today?

Wade Wilson

You know? I didn't. Did you sell any dreamcatchers on Etsy or whatever it is that you do?

Blind Al

Our rent's due in three days, Wade. I can't keep carrying you.

Wade Wilson

Relax. I have the money. I sold some old blood pressure medication I found lying around.

Blind Al

You tryin' to kill me, motherfu*ker?

Wade Wilson

I'm not the one dousing everything in salt, motherfu*ker.

Blind Al

I pray every day that fire finds your body and finishes the job God didn't have the nuts to do.

Wade Wilson

That's hurtful. If you could hear the look on my face, you'd smell how sad I am.

Clip 5

Kevin Feige is the President of Marvel Studios. And he's taken a very hard line on references to cocaine in this movie. A very hard line indeed.

Blind Al

Wanna do some cocaine?

Wade Wilson

Hey, cocaine is the one thing that Feige said is off limits.

Blind Al

What about Bolivian marching powder?

Wade Wilson

They know all the slang terms. They have a list.

Blind Al

Even snowboarding?

Wade Wilson

Even disco dust.

Blind Al

White girl interrupted?

Wade Wilson

Even Forrest Bump.

Blind Al

Booger sugar?

Wade Wilson

I wouldn't even try powdered gonuts.

Blind Al

You wanna build a snowman?

Wade Wilson

Yes. But I can't.

Clip 6

Wade Wilson is enjoying a surprise birthday party when a TVA goon squad arrive to take him into custody. He can't possibly be expected to take the situation seriously, now can he?

TVA Officer

Wade Wilson?

Wade Wilson

Oh, yeah. Dancers. Dopinder must have ordered you. Are those supposed to be cop costumes? Never mind. Take your clothes off but leave the helmets. And this isn't Pretty Woman.

[WADE pops a mint into his mouth]

We're kissing. All right? What song do you guys normally dance to?

[The TVA officers draw their cattle prods]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is that supposed to be scary? Pegging isn't new for me, friendo. But it is for Disney. Ah, ta, ta, ta! Okay, I've never been a natural bottom, so we're gonna take things real slow. And I want some crazy eye contact. Not you. You. Can't see your eyes through the mask, but I can feel them. We're gonna move on down the hallway so we can spare a cleanup on aisle a**hole. How does everyone feel about this plan?

TVA Officer

I don't like you.

Wade Wilson

Yes. Let's hold on to that attitude. And we're gonna do it angry.

Clip 7

Ryan Reynolds can't help breaking the fourth wall. Whether this was scripted or not, I'm not sure but it is DAMNED funny!

Wade Wilson

I am the Messiah. I am... Marvel Jesus. Can you excuse me for just a moment? I'm just gonna go over here.

[WADE approaches the closest camera, and yanks it around so that his face fills the frame]

Suck it, Fox! I'm going to Disneyland. Get fu*ked!

Clip 8

Paradox has just told Wade that he can't return home because he has no home to return home to. And even faced with this grim news, Wade can't resist cracking a funny.

Wade Wilson

Come again? And this time in my ears.

Clip 9

Never insult Canada. Because Deadpool comes from Canada. Well, actually Ryan Reynolds comes from Canada but it's the same deal. Never insult Canada.

Minuteman Leader

Logan was a hero. And the only thing worth a sh*t to ever come out of Canada.

Deadpool

Get my country's name out of your fu*kin' mouth. And my sword. Give me that.

Clip 10

Hugh Jackman must have one hell of a sense of humour. Because he's tolerated being referred to as the Thunderc*nt from Downunderc*nt in this movie. That takes some balls.

Deadpool

Is the thought of vapourising my universe making you peckish?

Paradox

I'm eating my feelings.

Deadpool

I'm about to lose everything that I've ever cared about because that hairy thunderc*nt from down underc*nt finally dies and he's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Clip 11

If you're going to badmouth Cassandra, you'd better make sure she doesn't hear you. And that Deadpool isn't around to repeat everything you said about her not ten minutes later.

Cassandra Nova

I have a good feeling about this. And I've been trying to catch this little firefly for years. Haven't I, Johnny? Aw... you picked the wrong time to make new friends.

Deadpool

Oh, Johnny told us all about you.

Wolverine

Maybe shut up now.

Johnny Storm

Yeah, maybe don't...

Deadpool

We're just talkin' here. Yeah, Johnny told us you're a psychotic megalomaniacal a**hole. His words, not mine. Hellbent on domination and pain.

Cassandra Nova

You said all that about me?

Johnny Storm

No! No! I don't... I didn't say any of that!

Deadpool

Sticks and stones, Johnny! Don't let her intimidate you. It's like you said in the convoy. This finger-lickin', dead-inside, pixie slab of third rate dime-store nut-milk can eat your delicious cinnamon ring and kick rocks all the way to bald hell.

Johnny Storm

Okay. I have never said any of those words in my entire life!

Deadpool

Ha! The modesty. People think I'm a sh*t talker. But this guy... next level.

Johnny Storm

What? This... I... We... I don't even know what half of that means! This... I...

Deadpool

My hat's off to you, sir. Truly.

Johnny Storm

What? This... I didn't... He's... That's... I... I don't...

[CASSANDRA waves her hand, JOHNNY'S skin evaporates and he falls to the ground, a pile of bones and internal organs]

Clip 12

Nicepool is... nice. Just as his name suggests. Logan can't deal with nice. Not one bit.

Deadpool

Why are you so nice?

Nicepool

Oh, it costs nothing to be kind.

Logan

Shutting the fu*k up is also free.

Deadpool

This is Logan. He's usually shirtless, but he's let himself go since the divorce.

Clip 13

Nicepool has kindly loaned Deadpool and Logan his car. A Honda Odyssey. A Honda fu*king Odyssey.

Deadpool

No, no, no. Absolutely not. Uh-uh. What the... no! No!

Logan

Just get in the car.

Deadpool

This isn't a car. This is a Honda fu*kin' Odyssey. Throttle response sucks a c*ck. Dated infotainment system. When Honda saw that untreated chlamydia was makin' a comeback, they invented the Honda Odyssey to compete.

Logan

Get in the fu*king car.

Clip 14

Deadpool is a wisecracking mercenary. Everyone knows that. But not everyone can tolerate it. And one of those people is Logan.

Deadpool

They call me "The Merc with the Mouth." They don't call me "Truthful Timmy, the Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon."

Logan

One more word. Please give me one.

Deadpool

Gubernatorial.

Clip 15

Deadpool can't help himself. He knows that Logan has a short fuse. All it takes is one insult and it's on like Donkey Kong.

Deadpool

I take it all back. The Honda Odyssey fu*ks hard. Too bad you don't, needle d*ck.

Logan

Oh, we're just gettin' started, bub.

[The fight between LOGAN and DEADPOOL starts again]

Clip 16

Magneto is dead. I know that's hard to accept but it's true. Damn you, Disney!

Deadpool

Look, we came a long way to find you three.

Laura Kinney

There's four of us.

Deadpool

There's four... hey, wait. Is it Magneto? Dear sweet God in heaven, let it be Magneto. Because with him...

Blade

He's dead.

Deadpool

Fu*k! Now Disney gets cheap? It's like Pinocchio jammed his face in my ass and started lying like crazy.

Clip 17

Not only is Magneto dead, but Cassandra melted his helmet. And no, I'm not talking about his purple-headed womb-ferret. I mean his actual helmet.

Deadpool

Now I know Magneto's dead. But I'd venture to guess that his helmet is lying around here somewhere -

Blade

- Cassandra melted the helmet.

Deadpool

FU*K!

Blade

After she killed him.

Deadpool

FU*K!

Clip 18

Deadpool is great at rousing the troops. Logan is intent on p*ssing on their strawberries. Not literally, you understand... figuratively.

Deadpool

Who's ready?

Blade

I was born ready.

Deadpool

Yes! Gambit?

Gambit

I ain't know my daddy, but I'm sure I shot out of his d*ck ready.

Deadpool

Jesus Christ, that is graphic.

Gambit

Yeah. He was layin' them buttery nuts all up in my mama and I shot out there and I said, "What's up, Doc?"

Deadpool

Johnny must have loved you. X-23, what's it gonna be?

Laura Kinney

The name's Laura. Let's fu*king go.

Deadpool

Let's fu*king go!

Blade

It's on like chicken and corn.

Deadpool

Yeah! We're doing this.

Logan

You're all fu*kin' dead.

Deadpool

My God! Read the room.

Clip 19

Cassandra Nova likes boiling people's brains almost as much as she likes flicking her bean to an Enya soundtrack. Apparently.

Cassandra Nova

I can't send you home unless you get this thing off my head. And as soon as you do that, I'm going to boil your brains on an atomic level whilst flicking my bean to the Enya box set.

Deadpool

There's an Enya box set?

Clip 20

Cassandra is inside Paradox's mind. Literally. Her fingers are all over his pre-frontal cortex.

Deadpool

Welcome to the skull fu*k club, Paradox. You know she doesn't wash that hand.

Clip 21

Remember the whole "breaking the fourth wall" thing? Well, here goes Deadpool again.

Deadpool

Stop! Let's give it a beat for the extras to clear. Go, go, go, go, go!

Clip 22

Kidpool. She's the pre-pubescent version of Deadpool. And she's just as cutting as the real deal.

Deadpool

All right. Look. Guys! Deadpool Prime here. Our fight isn't with you.

Kidpool

Hey! When I want your opinion, I'll take Wolverine's d*ck out of your mouth.

Deadpool

That's Kidpool. She's the dirtiest.

Clip 23

Logan has revealed the mask of his X-Men costume. Deadpool is impressed. And a little bit jealous.

Deadpool

Holy sh*t. You save the good stuff for special occasions?

Logan

Killing mostly.

Deadpool

What's the wind resistance on those blowjob handles? I'm sorry. I'm just a catty b**ch when I'm jealous. All right, let's do this. Maximum effort.

Clip 24

Deadpool has lost patience with Paradox. This is no time to pause or stammer. Deadpool needs to know right now. Spit it out, Paradox.

Deadpool

Come on, man. If you're not gonna swallow, spit it out.

Clip 25

Logan likes to go shirtless. His abs are ripped, but now is not the time to go Chippendale. It's too distracting for the ladies in the room and a bad time to get them moist.

Deadpool

All right. Put your greasy tits away, you preening slut.

Clip 26

Always with the wisecracks, even when they're totally inappropriate. And this wisecrack is ALWAYS going to be inappropriate.

B-15

I wanna show you something. Something huge.

Deadpool

That's what Scoutmaster Kevin used to say.

Clip 27

Mary Puppins is ugly. Fu*king ugly. FUGLY. I mean, it's not a dog. It's a gremlin. But Deadpool loves her. He wants to name her Dogpool and have her as a sidekick. Takes all sorts, I suppose.

Deadpool

Al. I'm back.

Blind Al

About damn time. You holdin'? I'm all outta devil's dandruff and I'm shaking like an angry vibrator.

Deadpool

Thank you, Al. We have company. Althea, this is... this is Logan.

Blind Al

Nice to meet you, Logan.

Logan

Nice to meet you, too.

Deadpool

And this little ancient anal sh*t-knot is Mary Puppins. Or as I like to call her, Dogpool. You want to treat yourself to a little stroke? Get the tongue. There it is.

Blind Al

Oh, my God! Motherfu*ker!

Deadpool

Right? It's like an armadillo fu*ked a gremlin, angrily in a bed of gonorrhea -

Blind Al

Wow!

Deadpool

- and didn't stop till the sun came up.