10 MP3 Audio clips from Masterminds (2015)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

For the record, the only places in which you should keep a firearm are a holster, a gun safe or an armoury. You should NEVER put a gun in your waistband. Isn't that right, David?

[DAVID is out on the range with KELLY and he's a terrible shot]

David Ghantt

You know, put a cap in there.

[In putting his weapon down the back of his shorts, he suffers a negligent discharge]

Aargh!

Kelly Campbell

Oh! Oh! David!

David Ghantt

Oh, that burns!

Kelly Campbell

Oh, my gosh, David! Let me see!

David Ghantt

Ow, Kelly!

Kelly Campbell

Let me see! Let me see! Let me see!

David Ghantt

Ow! Get it out!

Kelly Campbell

Okay.

David Ghantt

Oh, God, Kelly!

Kelly Campbell

You're good. You're alright.

David Ghantt

Okay.

Kelly Campbell

You're okay. But, man, you nearly shot yourself a new butthole. Yeah, went straight down the crack.

David Ghantt

Yeah, it feels like it just grazed my biscuit trough there, right betwixt them. Yeah, doesn't hurt that bad.

Kelly Campbell

No, I think you're... you're okay. I mean, you got a nice big hole in your shorts.

David Ghantt

Yeah, yeah.

Kelly Campbell

It's just a skin burn. You're alright.

David Ghantt

Yeah.

Clip 2

Photo shoots can be romantic. They can make memories that last a lifetime. Or they can be a complete sh*t show. Literally, in this case.

[DAVID and JANDICE are having some romantic photographs taken of them to celebrate their engagement. JANDICE is sitting on DAVID when she farts]

David Ghantt

Good lord, Jandice!

Jandice

I've been saving that for you.

David Ghantt

You farted right into my butthole. It's like a fart transplant.

Clip 3

So, how did David and Jandice meet? Because, like their photographer, I'm a sucker for romantic stories. Except... this one really isn't very romantic at all.

Photographer

So how'd y'all meet? I'm a sucker for courtship stories.

Jandice

Well, if you must know, a couple years back I was at a Youth Praise concert at church, and I saw the most handsome man that I had ever seen in the world. He was looking right at me. We went on a date, and then we fell very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very deeply in love. And then he died. Snakebite. At his funeral, I was very, very distraught. I couldn't keep myself together. And I saw this... other man, a distant cousin of the deceased. He was a pallbearer and he was kinda struggling to hold up his end of the casket.

David Ghantt

I had a hard time lifting it up.

Jandice

In any case, we got to talking afterwards. And I thought, "Well, that one's dead. This one's alive. I'll take the live one."

Clip 4

If you're going to use a Disney analogy, it's best to be familiar with the characters you're going to be drawing on. For the record, Stromboli was the puppeteer.

Kelly Campbell

David, I wanted to explain to you why I called you.

David Ghantt

Okay.

Kelly Campbell

There's a gentleman in the booth behind me... oh, no, don't look. Don't look. Don't look. This gentleman is a friend of mine and he has an idea he'd like to share with you.

David Ghantt

Can he hear me right now?

Steve Chambers

I hear you. I hear everything, David.

David Ghantt

Okay. Wh... what should I call you, sir?

Steve Chambers

Nothing. You don't ever need to see me or know my name. You can refer to me as Geppetto.

David Ghantt

Geppetto?

Steve Chambers

Yeah, Geppetto. As in Pinocchio. As in I pull the strings.

David Ghantt

I think he means Stromboli.

Steve Chambers

What'd you call me?

David Ghantt

Nothing. I just think you mean Stromboli. Geppetto was just a wood carver. Stromboli was the puppeteer.

Clip 5

"Cleaner than a nun's undies." I'll have to remember that one. It's not the only nun-based analogy I know of. I mean, if something's tight... no. I'll leave it there, I think.

Steve Chambers

So, Miss Campbell tells me y'all worked together over at Loomis. Said you were one of their best employees, just a straight arrow. Clean as a nun's undies.

Clip 6

The plan is coming together. Kelly has an exit strategy for David... for both of them. It involves Mexico and Rio. Neither of which David is at all familiar with.

Kelly Campbell

Think about it. Two lovers on the lam in Mexico. Bonnie and Clyde. You know, we could pop on over to Brazil. Have you ever... have you ever been to Rio?

David Ghantt

I've never even been to the airport but about twice in my life.

Kelly Campbell

Oh, it's a... it's a real magical place.

David Ghantt

Yeah, all those planes landing and taking off and such.

Kelly Campbell

No, Rio.

David Ghantt

Oh, Rio. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Clip 7

Kelly isn't very good at talking dirty. I mean, she's trying but it's just coming across as weird if I'm honest. Washing her pantyhouse... with her mouth?. Dear God, no.

Kelly Campbell

Okay, well, I gotta run. I gotta go... wash my pantyhose with my mouth.

David Ghantt

Do what?

Kelly Campbell

'Bye, David.

Clip 8

It's good to laugh at your partner's jokes. But you can go too far. Laugh too loud and too hard and it just comes across as sarcastic.

Jandice's Mother

There he is. The man of your dreams.

Jandice

He'll live here with us forever. It's like you're marrying both of us, David. Me AND Mama.

Jandice's Mother

David, have you given much thought to what you'll be doing for your honeymoon?

David Ghantt

Yeah, I got a few plans. Yeah, I do.

Jandice

I'll tell you what he won't be doing if he doesn't lose some weight.

[DAVID laughs maniacally]

David Ghantt

That's a good Goo Goo Cluster.

Clip 9

Jandice is a store assistant. Kelly Campbell is trying on underwear and she's left a thong hanging over the changing room door.

Jandice

How we doing in there?

Kelly Campbell

Oh. I'm good. Thank you.

[JANDICE sees a thong which KELLY has left hanging over the changing room door]

Jandice

Well, look at this. That wouldn't even begin to cover mine. You know, something I learned about thongs the real hard way, this little string can be kinda like a freight train transporting bacteria from your who-now down to your what-now. All aboard. Next stop, Yeast Infection City.

Kelly Campbell

I don't want to get off there.

Clip 10

Breathing through your nose isn't easy when you have a "booger whistle" but when the FBI has instructed you to do so, you just have to get on with it.

Male FBI Agent

Mr. Jeffcoat. If you could breathe through your nose and not your mouth, it'd be great for the recording.

Doug Jeffcoat

Yeah, I could do that.

Michelle Chambers

Hi! Look. It's the Jeffcoats. Welcome.

Steve Chambers

How you doing, boss?

Doug Jeffcoat

Steve.

Steve Chambers

You doing Okay?

Doug Jeffcoat

Yes.

Female FBI Agent

What...? What is wrong with him? Why does he sound like that?

Male FBI Agent

It's a booger whistle.