17 MP3 Audio clips from Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (2013)

PLAY ALL 17 CLIPS

Clip 1

If Mid-Morning Matters were a real radio show, would you listen to it? No. Of course not. But then it's got to be better than Jamie Theakston and Amanda Holden, huh?

Alan Partridge

Well now, that music was very foreboding. It's made a shiver go down my spine.

Side Kick Simon

That'll be the air-conditioning.

Alan Partridge

I would've taken it off sooner but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child. Just passed his details on to the Social Services. The time is eleven fifty-nine and fifty-five seconds.

Side Kick Simon

It's midday.

Alan Partridge

Uh, well, no.. well, yeah, it is now. You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.

[The world's worst jingle starts to play]

Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge. Music and chat for the Norfolk generation.

Clip 2

Ever said something and suffered an awkward silence immediately thereafter? Well, Alan and Simon are about to experience the horror of this phenomenon live on air.

Alan Partridge

Now it's time for today's large question.

[Another God-awful jingle plays]

Large question.

It's the near future. An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China, has left us without a sense of smell. In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most? Tom in Diss.

Tom

Petrol.

Alan Partridge

Nice. Wrongly and confusingly referred to by the Americans as "gas". It's petrol, not gas. Dominic in Castle Acre.

Dominic

Money.

Alan Partridge

Yep. Joe in Holt.

Joe

My wife's nightie.

Alan Partridge

You kinky get.

Side Kick Simon

Saucy sod.

Joe

She died, you see.

Clip 3

Oh, this is all kinds of cringe. First, Alan mistakes a fist-bump for a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, then he inadvertently makes a comment about fisting, and then... well, he gets homophobic.

Alan Partridge

Morning, Michael.

Michael

Morning, Mr. Partridge.

[DANNY SINCLAIR approaches ALAN and holds his fist out for a "fist-bump" but ALAN misconstrues his intentions and thinks he's offering to play Rock, Paper, Scissors]

Alan Partridge

Paper.

Danny Sinclair

I was doing a fist bump.

Alan Partridge

Yeah, well you would say that now you've lost.

Danny Sinclair

It's instead of a handshake.

Alan Partridge

Yeah, some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake. But who's to say you can't get sh*t on your fist?

Michael

Hey, did you hear him making fun of you earlier?

Alan Partridge

I did, Michael but as Oscar Wilde said, "There's... there's only one thing worse than being talked about."

Michael

Cancer?

Alan Partridge

No. "Not being talked about."

Michael

What, Oscar Wilde said not being talked about's worse than cancer?

Alan Partridge

Yeah. Yeah. I... I... I think he was at a party. Probably just being a gay show-off.

Clip 4

Bobby Brushes. Even the name sounds paedophilic. And I say that because if what Alan says is true, he's definitely a nonce. A bouncy castle business? Seriously?!

Pat Farrell

You're a good broadcaster, Alan. Don't forget that.

Alan Partridge

I wasn't planning to, Pat.

Pat Farrell

You seen this memo? "Exciting new phase. Here's to the future." My days are numbered, mate.

Alan Partridge

Pat, no-one's getting sacked. It's just a rumour. It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when the swimming pool allegations came out.

Pat Farrell

He was in bits.

Alan Partridge

Yeah and in the end, it turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice. He didn't even know them.

Pat Farrell

Yeah, but where is he now?

Angela Ashbourne

He runs his own business.

Alan Partridge

There. You see? He's back on his feet.

Angela Ashbourne

Rents out bouncy castles.

Alan Partridge

For adults, yeah?

Clip 5

Do people people sack people? Or do people people please people? And could you read this synopsis aloud if you'd enjoyed a few pints of beer? Probably not.

Pat Farrell

I don't know, Alan. Look at this memo.

Alan Partridge

I've seen the memo. It's quite simple. Goredale Media are simply re-imagining our core brand values and giving it a name more fitting to multi-platform content delivery. They're people people.

Pat Farrell

People people sack people.

Alan Partridge

No, Pat. People sack people. People people please people. You know that.

Clip 6

Far from putting in a good word for Pat Farrell with the Goredale Media goons, Alan is doing everything he can to save his own head from the chopping block, throwing Pat under the bus.

Alan Partridge

Pat Farrell... is a great guy. He's always the first to speak up at union meetings, uh..., you know, being a member of a union. I don't know if you know, but he's also Irish, which again, weirdly, a plus point, uh... if you like swearing. He's often on his shows... "Feckin' dis" and "Feckin' dat." I know some Irish people say "feck off" isn't as bad as "fu*k off" but I think that's bullsh*t.

Clip 7

Alan is being stalked by a psychopathic nymphomaniac. He needs help. And, as usual, his personal assistant Lynn has to come to his rescue. Like a permed knight in shining armour.

Lynn Benfield

There we go. All done.

Alan Partridge

What did you say to her?

Lynn Benfield

I told her that God loves everyone... even sluts.

Clip 8

Alan has probably always wanted to commandeer a vehicle. He seems like the type to me. And now he's got his chance. He's got to get to the police station.

Alan Partridge

Stop! Stop! Stop! I need to commandeer this vehicle.

Female Driver

What?

Alan Partridge

There's a mad man with a gun.

Female Driver

Um..

Alan Partridge

He's Irish!

Female Driver

Get in.

Alan Partridge

Why do you sit so close to the wheel? I could steer with my balls! Where's the nearest police station?

Female Driver

Just here.

Alan Partridge

Oh.. thanks.

Female Driver

Are you Alan Partri -

[But ALAN is already running away]

Clip 9

Martin Fitch is a New Scotland Yard Hostage Negotiator. It's down to him to screen Alan as a potential go-between. And this is going really, really well. For the first few seconds.

Martin Fitch

Okay. Now, are you on any medication?

Alan Partridge

Er... just some cream. Uh, I've got very aggressive Athlete's Foot but that's the only thing about me that is.

Martin Fitch

And do you suffer from any nervous conditions, such as panic attacks?

Alan Partridge

Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sleep, uh... no wife, and angry brushes whirring towards me. Um, by the time the giant hair dryer came on, I was in the footwell.

Clip 10

Steve Stubbs. Tactical Advisor with the Norfolk Constabulary Firearms Unit. He has a warning for Alan. A confusing, ambiguous warning.

Steve Stubbs

Alan! Read my lips. Now, if you jeopardise the safety of any of my men, or any of those hostages inside that building because you've not been listening to me, I will take off this police uniform and I will make you pay for it.

Alan Partridge

You want me to buy your police uniform off you?

Steve Stubbs

No. I'll give you a fu*king good hiding, is that clear?

Alan Partridge

Yes, that's clear. Yes. That's clear.

Clip 11

Pat really should see a doctor. Because if his balls aren't in his scrotum, where they should be, and instead are coming out of his ass, he probably needs urgent corrective surgery.

Pat Farrell

No more interruptions or else! You think I don't have balls? I've got plenty of balls! Oh, yeah. I... I've got balls coming out of my arse!!

Clip 12

There's dissention in the ranks. Jason has been threatened with death, Alan is rambling and the others are joining in on his anecdotes. Poor Jason!

Jason Tresswell

ALAN, WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?

Conner Scott

I think the point is, he didn't think he was any good at singing, and it turns out he was... quite good at singing.

Alan Partridge

Yeah, that.

Angela Ashbourne

And that if you really, really try, you can do anything.

Alan Partridge

Yeah, and that.

Jason Tresswell

I DON'T CARE! I'M GOING TO FU*KING DIE!

Alan Partridge

Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your head, shoulders, knees and toes.

Angela Ashbourne

Knees and toes.

Clip 13

Pat has forced his hostages to record some new jingles for his show because Goredale Media deleted all of his. And this is the best that they could come up with.

Radio Jingle

♪
Pat Farrell had a loyal following in,
the local community.
But Goredale Media fu*ked him over 'cause they don't care about loyalty.
The only things they give a sh*t about,
is the profit margins.
And if they don't re-instate him,
He'll take it out on the hostages.
Even the ones with kids.
Better get yourself some body bags.
♪

Clip 14

Michael has spent the night in a cupboard. Probably a flash-back to his days in the military. And, like many manoeuvres, he had to find somewhere to take a sh*t.

Alan Partridge

Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank. How long have you been here?

Michael

All night.

Angela Ashbourne

What did you eat?

Michael

Well, I had me lunch box.

Angela Ashbourne

Where did you go to the toilet?

Alan Partridge

No -

Michael

I had me lunch box.

Alan Partridge

Thank God it's got a smoky finish with an airtight seal.

Michael

I tell you what. They're right, mind. It seals in the freshness.

Clip 15

Fact of the Day. Another ridiculous slot on Norfolk Digital. And does it have to be about cows? Well, I guess so because it's sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.

Pat Farrell

Okay. Time for fact of the day.

[Another rubbish jingle plays]

Fact of the day. Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.

Side Kick Simon

Cows don't have hymens.

Alan Partridge

Absolutely correct. Cows do not have hymens, just a partially opened cervix. The time is ten twenty-two.

Clip 16

Alan has been caught with his pants down. Literally. His trousers are caught on a window he's just tried to climb through and now he has a police officer pointing a gun at him.

Armed Police Officer

Get your hands above your head!

Alan Partridge

Just getting those trousers.

Armed Police Officer

Do it! Get your hands above your head! Do it!

Alan Partridge

They're my trousers.

Armed Police Officer

Get your hands above your head now!

[ALAN does a "Buffalo Bill" and tucks his penis between his legs]

What are you doing? It's weird.

Alan Partridge

There are paparazzi all over the place and I do not want them to get a photograph of my genitals.

[A PHOTOGRAPHER enters the garden behind ALAN and starts taking photographs of his penis poking out from between his buttocks]

Alan Partridge

Oh, come on!

Photographer

That's it, look at me.

Clip 17

Michael has found himself driving the Radio Norwich Roadshow bus with Alan and Pat on board. He shouldn't really be driving but hey... who's going to prosecute him when he's a hostage?!

Michael

Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt. What are you going to do about it this time?

[MICHAEL slams the roadshow bus into several parked police vehicles]