Simon Garden; well-meaning but ultimately hapless Parole Officer. When he accidentally witnesses a murder committed by DI Burton, a corrupt, murdering police officer, Simon must assemble a gang of his former clients to avoid being framed for the killing and bring the culprit to justice. In this battle of wits, it's a shame that everyone's just so witless.
Simon Garden; well-meaning but ultimately hapless Parole Officer. When he accidentally witnesses a murder committed by DI Burton, a corrupt, murdering police officer, Simon must assemble a gang of his former clients to avoid being framed for the killing and bring the culprit to justice. In this battle of wits, it's a shame that everyone's just so witless.
Simon Garden has been summoned to a meeting with senior management. He's waiting to be called in, awkwardly trying to shoot the sh*t with a very attractive secretary.
[GARDEN is rocking back on a desk chair and loses his balance]
Simon Garden
Sh*t! Fell off the chair. I wasn't, uh... I know you're wearing a skirt, but I didn't see anything. Mostly trousers these days. Yeah, I prefer skirts. Healthier, isn't it? I imagine. Allows the air to, uh, circulate around the... vagina!
Clip 2
It doesn't look good. A letter of complaint about Simon's conduct and demeanour, signed by the entire staff at the Blackpool Probation Office.
Senior Probation Officer
We've had a letter of complaint which states that you are a "negative and destructive influence on the smooth running of the Blackpool Probation Office."
Simon Garden
I... I think you'll find, uh... whoever wrote that letter, it's just a clash of personalities.
Senior Probation Officer
It's signed by everyone in your office.
Simon Garden
Right, yeah, well, yeah, I mean that's what I mean. It's a clash between... me and them.
Clip 3
It's Simon's first meeting with young Kirsty, a young tearaway with a sizeable criminal record.
Simon Garden
Now... "Car theft, car theft, ram-raiding, arson, car theft, car theft, and car theft." And expelled from St. John Fisher's, expelled from Hogarth, expelled from Glenbrook Junior... not expelled from St. Thomas Moore. Why's that?
Kirsty
It burnt down.
Simon Garden
Ah, yes. Hence the arson. Yeah, all starting to make sense now.
Clip 4
Simon has taken a shine to Emma, a young police officer. And here, he plays it cool. Cool by his standards, of course. Excruciating by anyone else's.
Simon Garden
Um, there's something I forgot to ask Inspector Burton.
Emma
Oh, you'll find him at Faulkner Street. Number forty-four. Gets a lot of his information there.
Simon Garden
Right, um... oh, you know that gay porn magazine? Wasn't mine. Yeah, I've nothing against gays. It's just that, er... I am not gay!
Emma
Right.
Simon Garden
So, uh, given that, um, how would you like to have... dinner with me one night?
Emma
Okay.
Simon Garden
Oh, good! See you later.
Clip 5
Simon has been cornered on the rooftop of a strip club where he's just witnessed a murder. Two thugs armed with baseball bats are about to rearrange his features.
Simon Garden
Uh, right, listen. Could I just say something? If you attack me, I will go to the police. It will be reported. You'll have a criminal record. You've got one. Okay. In my wallet, I've got... forty pounds! That's twenty each. Plus a cash card. It's got a two-hundred pound limit, of which I've withdrawn forty. You've got that. Now, the PIN number. It's the Battle of Hastings.
[One of the thugs punches SIMON in the face]
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, that really hurt! Oh, oh...
[SIMON falls off the roof into the canal below]
Thug
Bloody hell!
Clip 6
Simon says that DI Burton can't intimidate him. Of course he can. Easily. Because Simon is a shrinking violet compared to the corrupt, murderous detective.
Simon Garden
You can't intimidate me.
Detective Inspector Burton
Let me give it a shot.
[BURTON draws a chair up next to SIMON]
If you open your mouth... I won't lay a finger on you, but you'll go to prison. And when those nonces and those perverts get hold of a clever boy like you, and I'll make sure they do, they're gonna be queuing up round the block. You're gonna end up with an arsehole like a clown's pocket.
Clip 7
Simon needs help to avoid being framed for the murder of an accountant. He's approached George, one of his old clients.
Simon Garden
I mean, it's just a videotape of a murder. George, it was horrific. I saw a man strangle a human being. Well, an accountant.
Clip 8
Emma has taken Simon to a museum where they're stood in front of an ancient, carved fertility symbol. Basically a wooden figurine with a massive, erect penis.
Simon Garden
That is just showing off.
Emma
It's a fertility symbol. If you touch it, it supposed to increase your sexual potency.
Simon Garden
Right.
Emma
Go on.
Simon Garden
What?
Emma
Touch it.
Simon Garden
No.
Emma
Are you afraid to touch a penis?
Simon Garden
You're talking to a guy who's going blind.
Clip 9
There's dissention in the ranks. Colin isn't happy with Simon. Kirsty hates Simon. That said, Kirsty likes Simon and George likes everyone, so... swings and roundabouts.
Simon Garden
It's not Kirsty's fault.
Colin
Why are we putting ourselves on the line for a man who wears corduroy trousers?
George
He helped you, remember?
Colin
That was his job. He was paid.
Simon Garden
Look, it's a setback. We need a solution. What we don't need is a... whinging, surfing lemonhead.
Kirsty
Lemon knobhead.
Simon Garden
Yeah!
Colin
No. What we don't need is a curly-headed wa*ker trying to be Captain Kirk.
Simon Garden
At least he got things done. Imagine you looking for Spock in Star Trek IV. "I'm sorry. We couldn't find him."
[COLIN begins to laugh]
Simon Garden
What?
Colin
That was Star Trek III. It was called The Search For Spock.
Clip 10
Simon is about to tell Emma that he was a witness to Detective Burton murdering Trevor Deacon. And he has a very good reason for not having told her before.
Simon Garden
DI Burton murdered Trevor Deacon.
Emma
What are you talking about?
Simon Garden
I saw him do it. I was... eating crisps behind these boxes...
Emma
Well, why didn't you tell me before?
Simon Garden
Because if I'd opened my mouth, Burton would have framed me. I'd be in prison. I'd be buggered. Daily.
Clip 11
During the execution of a search warrant, DI Burton has planted the severed head of Trevor Deacon in Simon's fridge. Kirsty has found it and moved it to a pot on the stove.
Detective Inspector Burton
What's in the pot?
[KIRSTY begins coughing in an attempt to warn SIMON]
[SIMON lifts the lid of the pot and slams it back down]
Simon Garden
Boiled head.
Clip 12
One of the problems with disguising yourself as a police officer (aside from it being illegal) is that old ladies will want to talk to you about anything and everything. Isn't that right, Jeff?
Old Lady
He said if she doesn't eat anything, then come what may, she'll die. Well, it wasn't her usual doctor and he did have a beard. Her usual doctor's in Spain, gallivanting. All right for some, isn't it?
Jeff
What the fu*k are you on about?
Clip 13
At last. Simon has found a sense of humour. And he uses it with devastating effect in the closing moments of the movie when he and Emma are making out.