13 MP3 Audio clips from The Parole Officer (2001)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

Simon Garden has been summoned to a meeting with senior management. He's waiting to be called in, awkwardly trying to shoot the sh*t with a very attractive secretary.

[GARDEN is rocking back on a desk chair and loses his balance]

Simon Garden

Sh*t! Fell off the chair. I wasn't, uh... I know you're wearing a skirt, but I didn't see anything. Mostly trousers these days. Yeah, I prefer skirts. Healthier, isn't it? I imagine. Allows the air to, uh, circulate around the... vagina!

Clip 2

It doesn't look good. A letter of complaint about Simon's conduct and demeanour, signed by the entire staff at the Blackpool Probation Office.

Senior Probation Officer

We've had a letter of complaint which states that you are a "negative and destructive influence on the smooth running of the Blackpool Probation Office."

Simon Garden

I... I think you'll find, uh... whoever wrote that letter, it's just a clash of personalities.

Senior Probation Officer

It's signed by everyone in your office.

Simon Garden

Right, yeah, well, yeah, I mean that's what I mean. It's a clash between... me and them.

Clip 3

It's Simon's first meeting with young Kirsty, a young tearaway with a sizeable criminal record.

Simon Garden

Now... "Car theft, car theft, ram-raiding, arson, car theft, car theft, and car theft." And expelled from St. John Fisher's, expelled from Hogarth, expelled from Glenbrook Junior... not expelled from St. Thomas Moore. Why's that?

Kirsty

It burnt down.

Simon Garden

Ah, yes. Hence the arson. Yeah, all starting to make sense now.

Clip 4

Simon has taken a shine to Emma, a young police officer. And here, he plays it cool. Cool by his standards, of course. Excruciating by anyone else's.

Simon Garden

Um, there's something I forgot to ask Inspector Burton.

Emma

Oh, you'll find him at Faulkner Street. Number forty-four. Gets a lot of his information there.

Simon Garden

Right, um... oh, you know that gay porn magazine? Wasn't mine. Yeah, I've nothing against gays. It's just that, er... I am not gay!

Emma

Right.

Simon Garden

So, uh, given that, um, how would you like to have... dinner with me one night?

Emma

Okay.

Simon Garden

Oh, good! See you later.

Clip 5

Simon has been cornered on the rooftop of a strip club where he's just witnessed a murder. Two thugs armed with baseball bats are about to rearrange his features.

Simon Garden

Uh, right, listen. Could I just say something? If you attack me, I will go to the police. It will be reported. You'll have a criminal record. You've got one. Okay. In my wallet, I've got... forty pounds! That's twenty each. Plus a cash card. It's got a two-hundred pound limit, of which I've withdrawn forty. You've got that. Now, the PIN number. It's the Battle of Hastings.

[One of the thugs punches SIMON in the face]

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, that really hurt! Oh, oh...

[SIMON falls off the roof into the canal below]

Thug

Bloody hell!

Clip 6

Simon says that DI Burton can't intimidate him. Of course he can. Easily. Because Simon is a shrinking violet compared to the corrupt, murderous detective.

Simon Garden

You can't intimidate me.

Detective Inspector Burton

Let me give it a shot.

[BURTON draws a chair up next to SIMON]

If you open your mouth... I won't lay a finger on you, but you'll go to prison. And when those nonces and those perverts get hold of a clever boy like you, and I'll make sure they do, they're gonna be queuing up round the block. You're gonna end up with an arsehole like a clown's pocket.

Clip 7

Simon needs help to avoid being framed for the murder of an accountant. He's approached George, one of his old clients.

Simon Garden

I mean, it's just a videotape of a murder. George, it was horrific. I saw a man strangle a human being. Well, an accountant.

Clip 8

Emma has taken Simon to a museum where they're stood in front of an ancient, carved fertility symbol. Basically a wooden figurine with a massive, erect penis.

Simon Garden

That is just showing off.

Emma

It's a fertility symbol. If you touch it, it supposed to increase your sexual potency.

Simon Garden

Right.

Emma

Go on.

Simon Garden

What?

Emma

Touch it.

Simon Garden

No.

Emma

Are you afraid to touch a penis?

Simon Garden

You're talking to a guy who's going blind.

Clip 9

There's dissention in the ranks. Colin isn't happy with Simon. Kirsty hates Simon. That said, Kirsty likes Simon and George likes everyone, so... swings and roundabouts.

Simon Garden

It's not Kirsty's fault.

Colin

Why are we putting ourselves on the line for a man who wears corduroy trousers?

George

He helped you, remember?

Colin

That was his job. He was paid.

Simon Garden

Look, it's a setback. We need a solution. What we don't need is a... whinging, surfing lemonhead.

Kirsty

Lemon knobhead.

Simon Garden

Yeah!

Colin

No. What we don't need is a curly-headed wa*ker trying to be Captain Kirk.

Simon Garden

At least he got things done. Imagine you looking for Spock in Star Trek IV. "I'm sorry. We couldn't find him."

[COLIN begins to laugh]

Simon Garden

What?

Colin

That was Star Trek III. It was called The Search For Spock.

Clip 10

Simon is about to tell Emma that he was a witness to Detective Burton murdering Trevor Deacon. And he has a very good reason for not having told her before.

Simon Garden

DI Burton murdered Trevor Deacon.

Emma

What are you talking about?

Simon Garden

I saw him do it. I was... eating crisps behind these boxes...

Emma

Well, why didn't you tell me before?

Simon Garden

Because if I'd opened my mouth, Burton would have framed me. I'd be in prison. I'd be buggered. Daily.

Clip 11

During the execution of a search warrant, DI Burton has planted the severed head of Trevor Deacon in Simon's fridge. Kirsty has found it and moved it to a pot on the stove.

Detective Inspector Burton

What's in the pot?

[KIRSTY begins coughing in an attempt to warn SIMON]

[SIMON lifts the lid of the pot and slams it back down]

Simon Garden

Boiled head.

Clip 12

One of the problems with disguising yourself as a police officer (aside from it being illegal) is that old ladies will want to talk to you about anything and everything. Isn't that right, Jeff?

Old Lady

He said if she doesn't eat anything, then come what may, she'll die. Well, it wasn't her usual doctor and he did have a beard. Her usual doctor's in Spain, gallivanting. All right for some, isn't it?

Jeff

What the fu*k are you on about?

Clip 13

At last. Simon has found a sense of humour. And he uses it with devastating effect in the closing moments of the movie when he and Emma are making out.

Emma

Is that, uh... a gun in your pocket?

Simon Garden

No, it's my penis.