34 MP3 Audio clips from Obliterated (2023)

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Maya "Tech Chick" Lerner has a crush on Chad McKnight. He's her hero. So even when he throws her a (semi) professional compliment, it sets her pulse racing.

Chad McKnight

You're the tits, Tech Chick.

Maya Lerner

I'm the tits.

Haggerty has one thumb because he works in bomb disposal. But cut the guy some slack... he's just saved Las Vegas.

Haggerty

Who has one thumb and just saved Las Vegas? This guy!

Maya likes to think there's sexual chemistry between her and McKnight. Which is why she's always tripping herself up like this.

Chad McKnight

Everyone's invited. Ready to get fu*ked up, Tech Chick?

Maya Lerner

Ready to get fu*ked... up.

Paul is on the phone to his wife, apologising that he missed his daughter's prom to be on this mission. So Chad steps in to help. And does quite the opposite.

Paul Yung

Honey. That's not fair. You know I wanted to be there. This mission was important. What? No, of course I'm not saying our daughter's not important. What the...

[CHAD takes the phone from PAUL]

Chad McKnight

Hey, Paul's wife, Chad McKnight here. I just want to say your husband was a real hero today. He did some crazy sh*t. Why don't we cut the guy some slack, let him have some fun? Huh? Maybe a couple of lap dances. A "Handy" at most. Hello? She hung up. Fu*k, dude.

Paul Yung

Thanks a lot.

It's all gone horribly wrong and Paul takes the opportunity to remind his colleagues that he avoids alcohol to avoid screw-ups. Chad isn't impressed.

Paul Yung

You see? This is why I don't drink.

Chad McKnight

Oh! Good for you, Paul. We should all be so fu*king boring. Fu*k!

The team have gathered in Ava's hotel room. The room smells of sex, there's a used condom on the bed... it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to deduce that somebody got their fu*k on in there.

Angela Gomez

Smells like somebody got their fu*k on in here.

Ava Winters

Nobody got their fu*k on in here.

Paul Yung

Somebody definitely fornicated in here.

Chad McKnight

She couldn't have been that good. Dude clearly didn't finish.

Ava Winters

Probably some limp-d*ck with erectile dysfunction.

If you happen to be looking over a colleague's shoulder and see a pretty girl on his phone, just remember... it might be his daughter as opposed to his girlfriend. So don't say it, okay?

Haggerty

Damn. She's pretty hot.

Paul Yung

That's my daughter.

Haggerty

I figured. She looks just like you.

There's always a clown. In every class, in every company, in every team... and that clown is Chad McKnight. He just can't keep quiet for two minutes.

Chad McKnight

She's cute for a suit.

Angela Gomez

Careful, Mac.

Chad McKnight

I don't sh*t where I eat.

Ava Winters

Senior Chief McKnight, is it?

Chad McKnight

That's the name my mama gave me.

Ava Winters

Something you want to share?

Chad McKnight

No, ma'am. Just ready to make these commie bastards eat sh*t.

Ava Winters

Well, as my tactical lead on this op, this is the most important briefing of your entire life. So pay attention. I'm gonna be using some big words and, unlike in high school, there'll be no band geek to cheat off of.

[The team laugh]

Chad McKnight

The fu*k you laughing at?

Knowing that Trunk is gay has made Chad a little more politically correct. He now appends his homophobic remarks with disclaimers. Shame he can't just self-censor, really.

Ava Winters

Now, get your sh*t together! We have six hours and fifty-four minutes to find the nuke.

Chad McKnight

Can't wait to kick the sh*t out of that Russian c*cksucker. Not that there's... anything wrong with sucking c*cks. To each his own, or her own... or their own.

Koslov is in custody. So is his "crypto guy", Mr. Chen. Koslov is as hard as nails. Mr. Chen is p*ssing himself like a nervous three-month-old. He's not going to last five minutes!

Ava Winters

Has Koslov been isolated for interrogation?

Agent

Yes, we followed your instructions to the letter. He hasn't made any statements yet, but maybe you'll have more luck.

Ava Winters

And our crypto terrorist, Mr. Chen?

Agent

It's his first time in custody, which is probably why he p*ssed himself... twice.

What Ava means when she says, "the guy with the ear" is the Russian with a cauliflower ear. But since most people have ears, it's not really a helpful descriptive term.

Ava Winters

The guy with the ear.

Chad McKnight

That really narrows it down.

Big Willy's is a strip club. For women. And men who are into other men. It features men, waving their... well, I'll let you work that out for yourselves.

Ava Winters

Got her. Her credit card was swiped at a place called Engorge LLC.

Chad McKnight

What the hell is that?

Lana

Oh! That's a credit card alias for Big Willy's.

Paul Yung

All right, we need to work up intel on this Big Willy fellow.

Angela Gomez

It's d*cks, Paul.

Lana

Yeah, it's a strip club.

When you're a rotary-wing (helicopter) pilot, it's best to stay clear of alcohol and drugs. Because a helicopter will fall from the sky far quicker than a fixed wing aircraft.

Chad McKnight

Thank God, Air Force stayed sober. Great shot, Paul! Fu*k yeah!

Paul Yung

That's the job, McKnight. I always have my eyes on you.

[Thanks to PAUL's drug-induced state, an imaginary GREMLIN appears in the co-pilot's seat]

Gremlin

And I always have my eyes on you, Paulie. We smoked that b**ch good.

Paul Yung

What the...

Gremlin

Trust me, if your wife saw that sh*t, she'd be sucking both our d*cks. Oh, yeah.

[The GREMLIN begins miming performing oral sex on two penises simultaneously]

That's your wife!

Paul Yung

What the fu*k?

Chad just can't help himself. He's always on the look out for a double entendre. Even when the situation makes it inappropriate to point it out. Like this one, for example.

Ava Winters

Lerner, can you access the cameras?

Maya Lerner

Casino security is a fickle b**ch. I'll try through a back door.

Chad McKnight

I knew a girl like that in high school. Good luck.

Lana isn't the sort of person you want sitting next to you on the stake-out. She bores easily and only has three working brain cells.

[HAGGERTY farts]

Maya Lerner

Ugh!

Lana

Oh! I'm not sitting back there in that stink.

Maya Lerner

I'm doing important government business.

Lana

So was I, but now I'm bored. Ugh. I can't even get on TikTok.

It's Chad and his unbearable double entendres again. This time, it's about pulling out before someone comes. Which, apparently, is his standard operating procedure.

Chad McKnight

We should move closer, see if we can hear what's going on inside.

Ava Winters

It's too risky, if he exits the room, we'll be exposed.

Chad McKnight

We'll see on the tracker if he goes to the door.

Ava Winters

Okay, but we pull out before he comes. Don't... don't.

Chad McKnight

I didn't. But that is my standard operating procedure.

Haggerty just can't keep his ass under control. Mind you, he is unconscious, so farts and worse are to be expected, I guess. Not nice in the confines of a vehicle, though.

[HAGGERTY sh*ts his pants]

Lana

Oh, my God.

Maya Lerner

What?

Lana

That's more than a fart. Haggerty just sh*t his pants.

Haggerty is still unconscious. Not even the crash woke him. And he still has a non-negotiable erection.

Ava Winters

The console's destroyed.

Chad McKnight

[Referring to a still comatose HAGGERTY]

He alive?

Angela Gomez

He's got a pulse. How the fu*k that crash didn't wake him up though?

Chad McKnight

And how the fu*k does he still have a hard-on?

Lerner is still jealous of Winters for her "liaison" with McKnight. But it's got to stop. So, Lerner tackles the issue head-on.

Ava Winters

All right, Lerner. I'm only gonna say this once. McKnight was a drunken mistake and none of your fu*king business. So cut the jealous junior high bullsh*t and get your head in the game. You have a job to do.

Maya Lerner

You were having sex in junior high?

McKnight and Winters need to make it back to Vegas. They're in the middle of a desert, in the dark and without any weapons. Things couldn't get any worse. Could they?

Chad McKnight

Yeah... I'm more than just a pretty face. And I would know a hell of a lot more, too if you would let me take Litvin when I wanted.

Ava Winters

Or you would have gotten nothing out of him. We'd have no intel on this new faction, no fu*king clue where the nuke is, and we'd be worse off than we are right now.

[McKNIGHT and WINTERS realise they're standing on the edge of a cliff]

Chad McKnight

Guess again.

Ava Winters

Fu*k me!

Ava Winters

Tried that already. Didn't get us anywhere.

What Ava needs right now is a phone. But Crazy Susan doesn't have one. The best she can offer is a CB radio which is only of use for hooking up with long-haul truckers who want a hand-job.

Ava Winters

Susan, I really need to get in touch with my boss. Any chance you have a phone -

Crazy Susan

Fu*k no, I don't have no fu*kin' phone! You think I'm gonna let the government tap my sh*t? Oh! I do have a CB radio, but all you can raise on that is long-haul truckers who want to get a wa*k. If you're into that sort of thing... I am into that sort of thing.

Maya Lerner is a techie genius. But even she's going to struggle with a 1990s PC running Windows 2000 and rocking a dial-up modem!

Angela Gomez

Oh! They've got a computer, too.

Maya Lerner

Halle-freakin'-lu... you gotta be fu*king kidding me. That's not a computer. It's an abacus.

Ava Winters

Well, you'll have to make do. We need tech support, even if it's dial-up.

Maya Lerner

Yes, ma'am.

If you've got to remove a band-aid, a dressing or a bandage... doing it fast doesn't necessarily mean it'll hurt any less. As Chad McKnight is about to find out.

Ava Winters

We need to change your bandage.

Chad McKnight

Whatever you say, doc. Just, uh... give me a three count before you rip it off. But go on two.

Ava Winters

But with you saying rip it off on two, you'll know it's coming.

Chad McKnight

It's an old psychological trick.

Ava Winters

Yeah, I know it doesn't work. Never mind. One -

[WINTERS rips off the bandage]

- two.

[McKNIGHT groans]

What kind of psycho uses a device which goes into a man's urethra, grows blades and spins? Ehren. That's who. No. That wasn't a joke. Although it did kind of sound like one.

Ehren

You... are gonna tell me what I want to know.

Trunk

No. I'll fu*king kill you. Then I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna kill the rest of those wings.

Callahan

No, hoss. All done. Besides, you're about to lose your appetite.

Lana

Oh, what the fu*k?

Callahan

We all are.

Trunk

What, I'm supposed to be scared of that? Huh?

Ehren

Oh, you will be. When I insert it... and press this button.

Lana

Insert it where?

[LANA realises that the torture device is destined for TRUNK'S urethra]

Oh!

Five by five is military code for "reading you loud and clear." It doesn't get any better than five by five. Unless you're Lerner.

Ava Winters

Radio check.

Angela Gomez

Five by five.

Maya Lerner

Ten by ten.

Angela Gomez

No, you don't double it, Lerner. It's still just five by five.

Maya Lerner

Oh! Ten-four.

Lana is under pressure. She's been asked who's in her team. So she says the first thing to come in to her head. Which happens to be the members of the Spice Girls.

Lana

That's it. That's the whole story, I swear.

Ehren

What else do they know about us? Who's on this team?

Lana

Um... the leader, she's like... a bit posh. And the other one's, uh... sort of sporty, and then there's one that's, um... like kind of scary and then, um... one that's a baby.

Callahan

Let me guess. That makes him Ginger.

Maya has had enough. She feels useless, helpless... and only Paul can save her. He has some inspirational words for her. Problem is, he's ripped to his tiny tits on psychedelics.

Paul Yung

You want to just give up?

Maya Lerner

No.

Paul Yung

Well, me neither. So you don't have your top of the line tech. Big deal. I don't have my Vulture and I've got a goddam Gremlin fu*king with me and enough psychedelics coursing through my veins to kill a full-grown rhino. I don't even know if I'm having this conversation right now. For all I know, you could be a cactus.

Maya Lerner

I'm not a cactus.

The team's geek is about to prove her worth. With Paul incapacitated, she's stepping up and stepping out. Good for her. Probably.

Maya Lerner

I need you to stay here and watch Haggerty. We still might need him to save everyone in Vegas. Can you do that?

Paul Yung

Okay. Okay, I'll stay here. But what about you? What are you gonna do?

Maya Lerner

Hero sh*t.

It's not a circle-jerk. It's a show-down. The team versus the Russians versus the evil mastermind behind the nuke. But let's not let that stop Chad from cracking an inappropriate funny.

Chad McKnight

Got room for a couple more at this circle jerk?

Ava Winters

McKnight, stand down.

Maya needs to practice her "tough talk" because, frankly, she's crap at it. I mean, why does every threat sound like a sexual invitation?!

Maya Lerner

Make one move, and I'll blow you motherfu*kers... away.

Nothing spoils a fishing trip with your son like the sight of an old man taking his girlfriend from behind on a nearby boat. There's no way this kid will ever un-see what he's been subjected to.

Father

Whoo! All right! Today is a big day, son. You're gonna cast your own line, put the minnow on the hook. The whole deal. Yeah?

Kid

Do the minnows know what we're using them for?

Father

Probably not.

Kid

Poor minnows.

Father

Yeah. Poor minnows. But hey, guess what? You're not going to be a kid anymore. Today, you become a man. Yeah? You think you can handle that?

Kid

Yeah.

Father

Okay. Let's do it.

Haggerty

Oh, God, yeah!

Kid

Uh, Dad...

Father

Whoa! Hey, hey! Don't look, don't look. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Hey! I've got my kid here!

Haggerty

You're so amazing! I swear to God, your face, your voice. Oh, fu*k, this boat is so slippery!

Father

Get out of here, you animals! This is a public dock!

Haggerty

Boss, you're killing me right now. Okay? Can you give me a second?

Father

Seriously, get off now!

Haggerty

I'm trying!

Soldiers don't march on an empty stomach. And Trunk sure as sh*t isn't going to die on an empty stomach. Hell, no.

Chad McKnight

Where are you going?

Trunk

To find some fu*king food! 'Cause if we're gonna die, I'm not dying on a fu*king empty stomach! I'm sick of this sh*t! I'm starving!

Hearts don't orgasm. Simple medical fact. And if a heart did orgasm, you'd probably find yourself in ventricular fibrillation. And that's not good.

Haggerty

I'll tell you a dirty little secret.

Yani

What?

Haggerty

When you're in the middle of an explosion, it's the ultimate rush.

Yani

Oh, you want the ultimate rush? I just bought a gram of the purest Colombian cocaine, mixed it up with some Angel Dust and ground up pharmaceutical Quaaludes. And trust me, this sh*t will make your heart cum.

Haggerty

It already has. Come on, little bird. Let's go have some fun.

Paul is still tripping balls. He feels fine but his Gremlin keeps putting in an appearance. It knows his weakness. Which is imagining his daughter getting railed. This won't end well...

Paul Yung

Guys! Guys! I just realised. We can figure out where Haggerty is just by tracing the call to...

Chad McKnight

Paul, you're higher than a giraffe's ass. Go sit down.

Paul Yung

Will you stop saying I'm high? I told you. I'm fine.

Gremlin

Yeah, McKnight. He's fine. His daughter, on the other hand, is getting railed by a guy with a Prince Albert. That's a pierced c*ck. You should see it. It's glorious.

Paul Yung

Die, you fu*king monster!

Chad McKnight

Paul, no! What the fu*k?

Paul Yung

You're dead, man!