21 MP3 Audio clips from The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin (2024)

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When Lord and Lady Saltley's coach is held-up by the infamous Dick Turpin, they're both rather star-struck. Lord Saltley offers him everything, and his wife... well, she just wants a kiss.

Lord Saltley

Who the devil are you?

Lady Saltley

Darling, it's Dick Turpin.

Lord Saltley

Oh, well, why didn't you say? Marvellous. Simply everybody wants to be robbed by Dick Turpin, the most famous and dashing highwayman of all time. Here, have all my money. Have my trousers. In fact, have my wife. I'm off. Bye.

[LORD SALTLEY throws himself from the coach]

Dick Turpin

Strange man. Madam, it's been an absolute pleasure robbing you blind.

Lady Saltley

What about a proper kiss?

Dick Turpin

I'd love to. It's just that I've realised there's no one actually driving the coach.

Lady Saltley

One small kiss couldn't hurt.

Dick Turpin hasn't actually just shot Tom King. Someone else did. But he's not above taking the credit for it. And, luckily, Tom's gang simply couldn't give a sh*t.

Nell

What happened?

Honesty

Did you just kill Tom King?

Dick Turpin

Technically, yeah. But, guys, there's a little bit of context.

Nell

Then you are a braver man than me.

Moose

He's gone. We're free! Yes!

Dick Turpin

You mean this is fine?

Nell

We hated him. You've done us a massive favour.

Honesty

What, a headshot as well, yeah? Nice. I can see inside his mind.

Dick Turpin

That's disgusting.

Nell

All he wanted to do was rob people for money, and that's not what this is about.

Dick Turpin

No. Isn't it?

Nell

No.

Dick Turpin

No, of course not.

Nell

I wanna rob people as a protest about the injustice of hereditary land ownership. And to help the poor.

Honesty

We'll still kill people though?

Nell

Yeah, of course we'll still kill people.

Honesty

Sweet.

Juggling work and family life can be a nightmare. Even a thief-taker needs childcare for his off-spring and sadly, there isn't any available. Which means his son has to accompany him everywhere.

Dick Turpin

Ah, Mr. Wilde. I have to say, you're slightly smaller than I'd imagined.

Jonathan Wilde

I am Jonathan Wilde.

Dick Turpin

Yep. That makes more sense.

Jonathan Wilde

This is my son, Christopher.

Dick Turpin

Hello, Christopher.

Jonathan Wilde

Currently, my wife and I don't have any childcare. Absolute ball-ache. Christopher, go and sit over there.

No child can keep quiet for long. And Christopher, despite his father's warnings, is no exception. He can't help but interrupt negotiations to tell his father about a dead moth he's found.

Jonathan Wilde

It's really very simple.

Christopher Wilde

- Dad.

Jonathan Wilde

You keep doing what you're doing, with no risk of going to the gallows.

Christopher Wilde

- Dad.

Jonathan Wilde

We take a look at what you've stolen. I keep most of it, maybe even sell one or two items back to the original owners.

Christopher Wilde

- Dad.

Jonathan Wilde

What?

Christopher Wilde

I found a dead moth.

Jonathan Wilde

Christopher, what did I say to you before we came here?

Christopher Wilde

Keep quiet when you're working.

Jonathan Wilde

So why are you telling me about a dead moth?

Christopher Wilde

It's really big.

Jonathan Wilde

Put it down.

Christopher Wilde

It's already dead.

Jonathan Wilde

Christopher, you put that moth down now or you can go and wait in the cart.

Dick Turpin is on the scaffold, facing the noose. The hangman offers him the opportunity to speak his last words to the gathered crowd. And he can't help himself, can he?

Hangman

Any last words?

Dick Turpin

Yeah. Give me a minute. I know what you're thinking. "Who is this guy with the incredible cheekbones? Where does he get his hair done? His jacket's supreme." Those things aren't important. Well, they are a little bit. What is important is that my name is Dick Turpin, and one day I'll be the most famous highwayman in all of England.

Lord Rookwood

You are literally about to be hanged, you idiot!

Jonathan Wilde has had just about enough of his son's constant interruptions. If only he'd known how vitally important this one was, though.

Jonathan Wilde

You must have realised by now that you can never outrun Jonathan Wilde. Time to -

Christopher Wilde

- Dad.

Jonathan Wilde

Time to make -

Christopher Wilde

- Dad.

Jonathan Wilde

Time to make -

Christopher Wilde

- Dad!

Jonathan Wilde

For crying out loud, Christopher, what?

Christopher Wilde

Cart wheel!

[JONATHAN WILDE is flattened by a flying cart wheel]

Jonathan Wilde wants Dick. He's never wanted a man more in his life. And he won't rest until he has Dick in his hands.

Jonathan Wilde

I want him, Christopher. I've never wanted any man more in my life.

Prisoner

He used to want me like that.

Jonathan Wilde

Slake, where are we on Turpin?

Slake

These are all of our most recent Dick sightings, sir. Multiple witnesses claim to have seen him here, here, and here.

Jonathan Wilde

Remarkable. He's managed to appear in all four corners of the county.

Slake

Er, no, sir. Um, those pins just hold up the map.

Jonathan Wilde

Christ, Slake, couldn't you have used different coloured pins? It's really confusing.

Slake

Yes, sir. Apologies, sir.

Jonathan Wilde

Tell the men to keep looking. I want this Dick in my hands as soon as possible.

[CHRISTOPHER WILDE sniggers at the obvious innuendo]

Jonathan Wilde

Oh, grow up, Christopher.

Never let it be said that Nell isn't part of a "proper gang", because the Essex Gang is notorious. Well, infamous. Sort of. For all the wrong reasons, of course.

Dick Turpin

Hi. Dick Turpin. New leader of the Essex Gang.

Leslie Duval

Yeah, I know who you are, you pr**k. I've seen you prancing around in your funny shirts.

Dick Turpin

Really? Which one? The ruffle ruche frill?

Moose

Or maybe he's talking about the, er... beautiful blousy one. The one with a pu**y bow.

Leslie Duval

Are you knitting?

Dick Turpin

Yeah, why? Do you want anything? I could probably pump you out some leg warmers. I'm pretty quick on the needles.

Leslie Duval

Dear, oh, dear, Nell. What are you doing working for a bellend like this?

Nell

Bellend is very good. I like that. Um, he actually killed Tom King. So, um... he's... he's kind of our leader now, and -

Leslie Duval

Bollocks! Tom King wouldn't let himself get killed by a foppy tit like him.

Dick Turpin

Well, he did actually. I shot him in the face.

Honesty

Yeah, yeah. He shot his face right off.

Dick Turpin

Right off. Right off his skull. Travelled through the air, landed on a tree. At one point, it looked like the tree had a face. Imagine that.

Leslie Duval

Jesus, Nell, I'm embarrassed for you. Come and see me. Come and work for a proper gang.

Dick Turpin

Uh, Nell's in a proper gang. The Essex Gang. And we're just as tough as any other gang in here.

Little Karen

Here's your peppermint tea, Dick. Put a splash of honey in it. I know you've got a scratchy throat.

Dick Turpin

Thanks, Little Karen.

The Unrobbable Coach is unrobbable because it's been cursed. You touch the emerald and you become its driver. Until some other poor schmuck tries it. And then you're free.

Unrobbable Coachman

Fools! No one robs the Unrobbable Coach. You touch the emerald and you become the driver.

Honesty

What? Dick?

Unrobbable Coachman

Forty-three years I've driven that coach, but now I'm free. Free to make love to your sweet wife, and punch your children, and eat all of your cheese!

Honesty

Dick!

They say that time's a great healer. But nobody who's every met Baron von Louth would be saying that. No. He's not healed. He's still angry.

Dick Turpin

You're the baron. You built the Unrobbable Coach.

Baron von Louth

To ensnare the bastard highwayman who killed my beloved. I despise highwaymen. May they rest in eternal damnation. May their graves be unmarked and their genitals shrivel and drop off.

It's innuendo time, once again. I mean, how can Jonathan Wilde not realise how what he's saying sounds to everyone else? Even his child laughs at him when he says sh*t like this!

Jonathan Wilde

Slake, prepare my horse.

Slake

- Yes.

Jonathan Wilde

If a job's worth doing, do it yourself. I won't rest until I've got this Dick firmly in my grasp.

[CHRISTOPHER WILDE sniggers]

Jonathan Wilde

It's really not that funny, Christopher.

Long before Trustpilot, Dick Turpin was using brief questionnaires to invite feedback from his victims on their highway robbery experience. He was one innovative highwayman.

Dick Turpin

Have you got a couple of minutes to answer some questions?

Coachman

Well, you've got me tied up, so I guess.

Dick Turpin

Perfect. Is there anything that I could have done better my end to improve your highway-robbery experience?

Coachman

Um, I... I suppose you could have fired a warning shot. That would have been a bit more scary than the ribbon dancing.

Dick Turpin

Of course!

Moose

Ignore him, Dick. I love the ribbons!

Honesty

Yeah, but a warning shot could work too.

[HONESTY fires a shot from a flintlock pistol into the air]

Dick Turpin

Honesty, I need some warning before you do that.

Honesty

That was the warning. For this.

[HONESTY fires a shot from a flintlock pistol into the air]

Dick Turpin

Oh, Lord.

Nell

Dick, can you stop befriending the driver, please, and get over here.

Dick Turpin

I'm not befriending the driver, Nell. I'm just getting some feedback. I'm trying to improve myself as a highwayman.

Nobody messes with Helen Gwinear. She runs The Syndicate, which is a medieval version of The Mafia.

Helen Gwinear

No, I can't concentrate. Sorry, can we, um... just -

[Mimes cutting PHILIP'S head off and a duo of guards rush in to drag him away]

Philip

No. No. No, please, ma'am. No. I have three beautiful children. And one with a great personality!

Helen Gwinear

Thank you.

[We hear PHILIP scream as his sentence is carried out]

Jonathan Wilde finally has Dick. He has him right where he wants Dick. In his sweaty palms. He's surrounded.

Jonathan Wilde

Hello, Turpin.

Dick Turpin

Wilde. Christopher. You're up late. What are you guys doing here?

Jonathan Wilde

We just popped into town to pick up a few bits. Oh, no, wait. I'm trapping you. Obviously.

Nell

Stay calm, everyone. Stay calm.

Jonathan Wilde

There's no escape. You're surrounded.

Dick Turpin

That would be true. Unless I anticipated your trap, spent last week bribing your guards, and now, in an ingenious twist, it is in fact I who have you surrounded.

Nell

Wait, did you actually do that?

Dick Turpin

No, I just thought of it. Imagine if I did though.

Moose

Oh, that would have been so good!

If you wanted Dick, wouldn't you just walk the backstreets of London shouting for Dick? This joke never gets old.

Honesty

Dick! Diiiicccckkkk!

Nell

Honesty, I don't think walking the backstreets shouting for Dick is the best way to find him.

Stand and deliver! Only, Geoffrey the Gaoler can't stand. He's done his back in. Which leads Dick to consider possible alternatives which won't cause further damage to his flaky spine.

Dick Turpin

Stand and deliver. Your money or your... Geoffrey. Wow!

Geoffrey The Gaoler

Actually, today doesn't really work for me. I've done my back in, so I can't really stand.

Dick Turpin

What about "crouch and deliver"? Has anyone ever done that? Nell, could he crouch and deliver?

Nell

Crouch, squat... jump up and down, I don't care. Just open the cart.

Summoning the Reddlehag is luckily pretty hard to do because in order to do so, you have to say her name twenty-seven times. Nobody's ever going to do that, right? Right?

Geoffrey the Gaoler

No, no, it's all right. It says here, right, she can't be invited in unless we speak her name twenty-seven times.

Nell

Oh.

Dick Turpin

Great. So all we have to do is not say Reddlehag twenty-seven times.

Moose

It's not like Reddlehag's even a common word.

Dick Turpin

I mean, you have to go out of your way to say Reddlehag.

Honesty

Wait, what does Reddlehag actually mean?

Geoffrey the Gaoler

Interesting bit of trivia. The reddle in Reddlehag is actually from a dye, and the hag is obviously, you know, a hag. So it's reddle, hag. Reddlehag.

Nell

Hmm. Yeah, has anyone noticed we've just started saying Reddlehag a lot?

Dick Turpin

We haven't said Reddlehag that many times. I mean, I said Reddlehag. Moose said Reddlehag. Honesty, you definitely said Reddlehag. And Geoffrey said Reddlehag a few times. And then you said Reddlehag.

Little Karen

And then you just said Reddlehag a load more times.

Moose

Oh, my God. What are we doing?

Nell

I think we just entered the teens.

Dick Turpin

Okay, stop panicking. All we have to do is not say Reddlehag.

Moose

You just said Reddlehag.

Nell

You just said Reddlehag.

Dick Turpin

Okay, that's a great example of what we're not supposed to do.

Honesty

What are we not supposed to do?

Dick Turpin

Say Reddlehag.

Honesty

Reddlehag.

Dick Turpin

No, don't say Reddlehag.

Honesty

Well, why would you tell me to say Reddlehag if you didn't want me to say Reddlehag?

Dick Turpin

I didn't tell you to say Reddlehag. You said Reddlehag when I was telling you not to say Reddlehag. Oh, my God. I can't stop saying it.

Nell

Okay, I think we just reached a critical point. So nobody say Reddleh... nobody say that word again.

Even in the dark ages, a witch couldn't be burned at the stake without a trial. Which is inconvenient when John Turpin really just wants to burn a witch.

John Turpin

She's in league with the devil!

Reddlehag

Hey, I'm not in league with the devil! Do we have chemistry? Did we hook up in Hades? You'd have to ask him.

John Turpin

Burn the hag!

Reddlehag

Finally.

John Turpin

Burn the -

Nell

Wait, wait, stop. Stop. I mean, you can't burn a witch without a trial.

John Turpin

That is true. Fine. We'll, uh... first we'll hold a trial, and then we'll BURN THE HAG!

Tommy Silversides has panache. Dick thinks he has panache but his panache is no match for Tommy's panache. Tommy's panache would smash Dick's panache.

Dick Turpin

Well, if that doesn't work, I'll just do what I always do. Come up with a flamboyant plan. A plan with panache.

Nell

Eh, Tommy's got panache. He out-panached you.

Dick Turpin

He didn't out-panache me. I mean, at best, he matched my panache.

Nell

No, he smashed your panache into tiny, little "panacheo" pieces.

Dick is so metrosexual. He wanted Geoffrey to bring him a cake with a file in it. Not for a daring escape plan. Oh, no. He wanted the file for his nails.

Dick Turpin

Oh, knickers. Not you again.

Geoffrey the Gaoler

Geoffrey, you're my first visitor. Have you brought me a cake with a file hidden inside it?

Dick Turpin

Not for the bars. Just my nails are out of control.

There's no escaping the prison that Dick's found himself in. It's inescapable. There's no getting out of it. A bit like your annoying second cousin's wedding.

Dick Turpin

So, I'm sure my gang are on their way to save me, but just in case, is there an escape route?

Geoffrey the Gaoler

Nah, nah. No, no escaping, Turpin. That's why they call this place "Your Annoying Second Cousin's Wedding." 'Cause no matter how hard you try, there's just no getting out of it. Ta-ra, mate.

Dick Turpin

Where you going?

Geoffrey the Gaoler

Oh. Ironically, it's my second cousin's wedding. So...