20 MP3 Audio clips from Wicked Little Letters (2023)

PLAY ALL 20 CLIPS

Clip 1

Every child needs a role model. Someone they can look up to. A moral compass. And luckily for Nancy, she has her mum to learn from.

Rose Gooding

Oi! That's Bill's! Nice girls don't play guitar.

Nancy Gooding

I don't care.

Rose Gooding

Right, no... do you know what I was doing when I was your age?

Nancy Gooding

Helping Grandpa steal?

Rose Gooding

Well... yes, I was helping him burgle houses off old people. But I promise you now, Nancy Gooding, you'll not be doing the same, because you... are a queen. And if you don't do your homework, as sure as God made gooseberries, I'll slit you from ear to ear.

Clip 2

The police have been called in to investigate the poison-pen letters. Constable Papperwick is on the case. He starts by reading the evidence aloud.

Constable Papperwick

[Reading one of EDITH'S letters out loud]

"Dear Edith. You foxy-ass old whore. You really are a tricksy old fu*ker. You belong in hell probably, and you're a sad, stinky b**ch as well."

Clip 3

Another letter addressed to Edith, this time read with disgust by her father, Edward Swan to the horror of her mother, Victoria.

Edward Swan

"Her Majesty, Miss Swan, sucks ten c*cks a week, minimum. Edith Swan takes it up the Swanee, and she loves it more than Christmas Day."

Victoria Swan

Edward!

Edith Swan

Only words, Mother.

Edward Swan

"You foxy-arse old fu*king mare, you want spiking in the nose, you big smelly b**ch!"

Constable Papperwick

All right...

Edward Swan

"You great big fu*king onion!"

Constable Papperwick

All right, man.

Clip 4

Rose Gooding has been arrested and Woman Police Officer Moss is booking her in. But Rose is incredulous. A female police officer? Who ever heard of such a thing?!

Gladys Moss

Name?

Rose Gooding

Rose Gooding. Are you the night cleaner?

Gladys Moss

Woman Police Officer Moss. Address?

Rose Gooding

Fu*k! I've heard of them. Undercover in the sewing circle, is it?

Clip 5

Edith has befriended Rose and is trying to guide her. A clean home is a happy home, apparently. And it starts with floor crumbs. Apparently.

Edith Swan

Oh, if I could just say two words to you: floor crumbs. Keep them in order, and everything else follows. My Auntie had a little ditty: "A woman whose floors are messy and foul... er... dee-dum, dee-dum, dee-dum..." Anyway, the point is, she was a whore.

Rose Gooding

Right, I'll remember that.

Clip 6

Rose and Edith are walking along the beach, getting to know each-other a little. Edith, it transpires, doesn't have a man in her life. He upped and left her some time ago.

Rose Gooding

Have you got a fella yourself?

Edith Swan

Ah, well... no. I was engaged, but...

Rose Gooding

Oh. Christ, was he on the front?

Edith Swan

Oh, no, Sidney didn't die. He just... went.

Rose Gooding

What? What a fu*king bastard! I bet he was pale. Sidney's a pale, mangy, pitiful name.

Edith Swan

Crikey. A bit pallid.

Clip 7

Ray is about to get his comeuppance for being such a misogynistic twat and for facilitating his mate Edward to act in the same vile manner.

Ray

I was saying, what would your fu*king husband think?

Rose Gooding

My husband isn't alive, Ray, so he's not thinking a great deal. He's probably thinking it's a shame we're missing these sh*tty pasties.

Ray

Looks like he got away lightly!

[ROSE grabs RAY and headbutts him in the face]

Clip 8

The apple never falls far from the tree. Little Nancy Gooding can give as good as she gets, especially when her opponent is a patronising Social Worker.

Social Worker

We've been alerted to some domestic disturbances.

Rose Gooding

Nancy, get over here. Who told you that?

Social Worker

I don't think nice little girls play those, do they, petal?

Nancy Gooding

Who says I'm fu*king nice?

Rose Gooding

Right, no. Inside now.

Clip 9

Gladys is on Rose's side. She's about to argue her case when Rose goes and does the unthinkable, undermining the case for the defence somewhat. Oops!

Gladys Moss

You're charging her?

Chief Constable Spedding

Under libel. Not a small offence.

Gladys Moss

No, it isn't. But what's the evidence?

Chief Constable Spedding

Motive... timeline...

Rose Gooding

YOU LET ME OUT OF THIS FU*KING CELL, YOU AGING FU*KING SOFT-C*CK STREAK OF P*SS!

Chief Constable Spedding

Similarities in the language.

Gladys Moss

Mm-hmm.

Clip 10

Who doesn't need Rose Good shouting this as a message alert? You know you do. So go ahead and grab a copy and then work out who you're going to use it for!

Rose Gooding

YOU FU*KING WA*KERS!

Clip 11

The police in the dark old days was nothing but a big boys club. Shame there weren't more female officers like Gladys Moss back then. She'd have soon whipped the a**holes into shape.

Constable Papperwick

...it's after the game, and he's fu*king her on the floor quick as he can, cos her uncle's upstairs, and he says she's a saucy b**ch, knows all the tricks and...

[He notices that GLADYS has entered the room]

Miss Moss?

Gladys Moss

Carry on. Sounds like a good one.

Constable Papperwick

Well... don't think so. It's not exactly a Sunday sermon, not entirely.

Chief Constable Spedding

How can I help?

Gladys Moss

Firstly, I need your signature, sir.

Chef Constable Spedding

What is it?

Gladys Moss

Lad riding a motorcycle sidecar on the esplanade without a helmet. Contrary to local byelaws.

Constable Papperwick

Are you alright? Must be shaken up.

Gladys Moss

Yes, it's a relief to be back here with you, Constable Papperwick.

Chief Constable Spedding

Oi! That's good police work.

Gladys Moss

Secondly, having examined the letters to Edith Swan, I believe we may have charged an innocent. I've been looking at the handwriting...

Chief Constable Spedding

You're not on that case.

Gladys Moss

It does appear to be a different person, sir.

Constable Papperwick

University-educated chicken swill. Oh, look at the curl on the 'F', the dot on the...

Gladys Moss

'I'?

Constable Papperwick

Yeah. Exactly, 'I'. Or 'J' as well. Lower case. So, two options.

Gladys Moss

Your alphabet's really coming on.

Clip 12

Edith can take her optimistic, rosy view of the world and cram it up her ass. I don't think Rose will find kindred spirits in prison, somehow.

Edith Swan

The only saving grace is that, owing to Rose's character and way, in prison Rose may find some kindred spirits.

Gladys Moss

In Portsmouth Prison?

Edith Swan

No, no, not the murderers or the rapists. I'm thinking more the drunks and the queers, maybe. Just trying to find a bright side.

Clip 13

On the trolley ride back from prison, Rose is discussing her case with Ann and Mabel. Mabel surprises everyone with how vehement and vulgar she can be in the face of adversity.

Ann

Why ain't anyone pointing a finger at him?

Rose Gooding

He's decent, I'm not.

Ann

Well, nobody's perfect. I'm a lovely lady, but my hygiene habits are medieval. They're alarming even to me. Does that make me a criminal?

Mabel

No, it doesn't. And decent didn't matter when we were working in their factories, and driving their tractors. Oh, we have to go back to being decent, do we? Well... fu*k 'em! I've got some rum. Fu*k 'em up the arse!

Clip 14

Just as Rose is settling into life on bail, another letter arrives at her neighbour's house and this brings Edward Swan hammering on her door.

Edward Swan

Explain this what just came with the postman! Explain it! Soon as you're back!

Rose Gooding

I didn't! I promise I...

Victoria Swan

This'll be the death of me!

Edward Swan

"Dear Miss Swan. You bloody fu*king old saggy sack of chicken p*ss. You want fu*king in the nose holes, you old beetle!"

Clip 15

Ann is sitting on a bench in the town square reading from yet another poison-pen letter. And this one is a doozy.

Ann

"Dear Mrs Pagwell. You arse sucker. Call that a chin? There's nothing fu*king there."

Clip 16

I have a suspicion it's not secrets that give Ann a "churny tum" but the sheer number of eggs she consumes in a day.

Ann

I don't like secrets. They actually give me a churny tum.

Gladys Moss

'Cause your shed overlooks their house, doesn't it?

Ann

Oh... I'm gonna need some bran.

[ANN farts]

Clip 17

Rose reads out a selection of the poison-pen letters. There are some classics amongst them. Which one is your favourite?

Rose Gooding

"Dear Gladys. Thank God your dad got shot. You smelly b**ch. You think you're so clever, but you're fu*king not. You rank, foxy-arse measle. You'll soon find yourselves in the dock. The lot of you bloody fu*king buggers. You foxy-arse, beetle-headed slut. You p*ss country whore. To the old bastard Mitchells. You elf-skinned country whores. You belong in a cave. You foxy-arse rabbit-fu*kers. You mouldy old tart. You belong in hell. You dirty fu*king sods."

Clip 18

Mr. Treading is a barrister. He's a good barrister. But he's the prosecution barrister and that makes him an a**hole.

Mr. Treading

Can you please read this out, Miss Swan? No? All right. I'll do it. "You fu*king old steaming bag of wet leaking sh*t! Your fu*king arse is bigger than the moon, and your cat wants a good fu*king burning, too, I reckon, you stupid big stinker! You mangy old titler's turnip..."

Judge

Order! Silence in the court!

Mr. Treading

Thank you, m'lud. "You salty old sod."

Clip 19

SPOILER ALERT! Don't listen to this fantastic sweary exchange if you haven't seen the movie yet. It'll spoil the ending for you. You have been warned!

Rose Gooding

Oi! You gonna post that, you daft old fu*ker? You fu*king slippery old fu*king dodger!

Edith Swan

What are you doing?

Rose Gooding

I'm just teaching you how to swear proper.

Edith Swan

What are you gonna do?

Rose Gooding

Nothing. I just wanted to talk to you. I notice you say "foxy-arse" a lot.

Edith Swan

Yeah?

Rose Gooding

And "p*ss country whore". What is that?

Edith Swan

I thought you didn't mind a bit of blue language. Bit too rough for you suddenly, is it?

Rose Gooding

Nobody swears like that.

Edith Swan

Yes, they do.

Rose Gooding

"Foxy-arse, p*ss country whore"? That's really peculiar.

Edith Swan

Well, what would you say?

Rose Gooding

I dunno, I'd have to sit down and actually write it, but to you, I'd probably say that you look like fu*king Queen Victoria shoved a fu*king nettle up her fu*king pu**y, I don't know.

Edith Swan

Well, I think you're a fu*king foxy-arse...

Rose Gooding

Does it always have to be foxy-arse?

Edith Swan

You stink of cum and sh*t! And the cakes you make look like they've fallen out of some sheep's fu*king arsehole!

Rose Gooding

Better! The baking didn't insult me, but...

Edith Swan

You've had so many c*cks up your fanny that they've set up a fu*king stall and they're selling iced fu*king buns!

Rose Gooding

It's better to be a slut than a lie, though, Edith.

Clip 20

SPOILER ALERT! This is the final scene of the movie and if you listen to this before you've seen it, you won't enjoy it as much. Trust me on that, you pasty old shrivelled old p*ss bastard...

Edward Swan

Edith! Edie! Edie! Edie! I know you didn't do it.

Edith Swan

Yes, I did.

Edward Swan

We'll get you bail.

Edith Swan

I did it, Father!

Edward Swan

When you get back...

Edith Swan

I'm not coming back.

Edward Swan

No, don't say that.

Edith Swan

I'm not coming back home to you ever!

Edward Swan

Where else are you gonna go?

Edith Swan

Anywhere!

Edward Swan

Edie, shut up, shut up -

Edith Swan

Anywhere! Anywhere!

Edward Swan

- shut up, shut up.

Edith Swan

Oh, fu*k off, you pasty old shrivelled old p*ss bastard fu*king old c*nt!