14 MP3 Audio clips from Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

Davvers has unearthed an underground tomb, sealed in 1666 by order of King Charles II. Why sealed? He's about to find out.

Davvers

What is it? Roman stuff?

Site Manager

Can't be Roman. They didn't have kings. They had emperors and sh*t.

Davvers

My mate was on a site last year, said they found a load of Roman coins that was worth tons.

Site Manager

It's not fu*king Roman, you muppet!

Davvers

It might have other stuff.

Site Manager

Yeah, like what?

Davvers

Gold and stuff.

Clip 2

Davvers and the Site Manager smash through the stone sealing the tomb and begin to descend into the depths, hoping to find loot. Davvers is nervous, as his ass will attest to.

Site Manager

Ugh... stinks down here.

Davvers

[FARTS]

Does now.

Site Manager

Argh... Davvers!

Clip 3

Andy has bought a van for the heist. Terry has concerns. There are two things wrong with it. The first one being, it won't start. The second concern... well, we'll let him explain. Yuk!

[TERRY is trying to start the van but it's refusing to turn over]

Terry

Okay, Andy, two problems here, uh... One, it doesn't start. And two, there's a dirty, filthy, cummy sock... in there.

Clip 4

Why is it that when it comes to brothers, there's usually a quiet, sensible one and the other is an uncontrollable, maverick gobsh*te?

Terry

Look, I'm just saying, I don't want the van to conk out on us in the middle of a job, that's all.

Andy

Relax, we'll be fine.

Terry

Yeah, you say that 'cause you're a jammy git. If you fell off that building right there, and landed into a thimble full of sh*t, you'd come out smelling of roses, with three birds on your arm.

Andy

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm a geezer, mate. That's talent, that is.

Terry

A talent for getting us into trouble.

Andy

When have I ever got us into trouble?

[Flashback to a traveller's site]

Andy

Yeah, I'll take you all on! And so will my fu*king brother! You dirty pikeys!

[Flashback to an east end pub]

Andy

You do not want to mess with me and my fu*king brother!

Skinhead

You fu*king what?!

Andy

Terry!

Clip 5

Ray is a typical east end hard-nut. He might be in his eighties but he can still throw a punch. And he doesn't want plastic gangsters hanging around his care home.

Ray

Oi! Get the fu*k out of it! You two-bob toe-rags. I told you! You come 'round here again, I'm gonna slap the sh*t out of ya! Well, now it's time to pay the piper.

Gangster

Listen, old man. You behave yourself, before me and my boys fu*k you up, you understand?

Darryl

Leave it out, Ray. You're driving away all my customers!

Ray

You're supposed to take your pills! Not sell 'em to these mugs!

Darryl

Well, I've got to earn a crust, don't I?

Clip 6

I have a feeling that if they'd parachuted more soldiers like Ray into Nazi Germany during WWII, it would have ended way before 1945. Jesus!

Terry

All right, how're you doing?

Ray

It's high time youse two got a proper job.

Terry

This is a proper job.

Ray

When I was fifteen, I lied about my age, so's I could sign up, and fight the fu*kin' Nazis.

[Flashback to a WWII Nazi bunker. RAY enters and stabs the first Nazi he sees through the neck with his bayonet]

Come on, you Nazi mugs!

[And now the shooting starts]

Let's fu*king have it!

What are youse two fighting? Traffic?

Clip 7

Ray doesn't suffer fools gladly. Especially fools like Grainger who's popped round to measure up for the forthcoming demolition of Ray's home.

Ray

I know you're gonna be knocking this place down in a few weeks time, but do you feel the need to rub it in? There's people here about to have their dinner. You yuppie twat!

Grainger

Look, I really need to get these measurements, okay?

Ray

If you don't sling your hook in five seconds time, I'm gonna ram that fu*king clipboard so far up your arris, you're gonna have to shove your pen up your nose to write on it! Five, four -

Grainger

All right.

Ray

Three -

Grainger

All right.

Ray

Two -

Grainger

All right!

Ray

One!

Grainger

All right!

Clip 8

The MacGuire brothers didn't have the best start in life. Oh, sure... their father's rousing speech sounds great but it's what happens immediately afterwards that puts a dampener on things.

[Flashback to ANDY and TERRY's childhood]

Dad MacGuire

Life's gonna throw a lot at you, 'cause of who you are, where you're from. See, some people don't respect us, the working class. Don't you dare, ever, let anyone put you down, all right? You can be anything you want, long as you work hard, stick together as a family. Always stand up for what's right, yeah? Now, look, we've gotta pop out for a minute, so you two behave yourselves, all right?

[Hands SHIRLEY a shotgun]

Dad MacGuire

Here you go. You ready, Shirl?

Mum MacGuire

Ready.

[DAD MacGUIRE opens the front door]

Come on, you fu*king pigs!

Dad MacGuire

Come on! You'll never take us alive!

[Returning to the present day]

Terry

Probably not the best role models for the current situation, Andrew.

Clip 9

Metal Mickey... Mental Mickey more like. He's a psychopath who's in love with his shotgun. Which he's given a girl's name to. Holy fu*k!

Metal Mickey

Now this... is my baby. It's a Remington 870 Express twelve-gauge pump-action shotgun... with a tactical pistol grip. Takes eight 3-inch magnum shells. Her name's Tracy.

Clip 10

Davey Tuppence isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and, unfortunately, Terry has recruited him and put him in charge of disguises for the heist. Oops!

Terry

No shooting. If it takes longer than three minutes, then we just get out of there.

Katy

Shouldn't we be wearing disguises?

Davey Tuppence

Ah hah! Sorted. Right.

Katy

What's that?

Davey Tuppence

Well, it's a moustache.

Katy

I can see it's a fu*king moustache. Are you expecting me to wear one?

Davey Tuppence

Well, why not? Put your glasses on, pull your hat down. No one will know the difference.

Katy

I've got tits, you tit!

Davey Tuppence

Well, no offence, they're not... that big, so, it'll probably be all right.

Clip 11

If you're wondering whether someone is a zombie or not, have a close look. If he's eating someone's foot, chances are he's a zombie.

Katy

Zombies.

Andy

Are you sure?

Katy

Pretty sure. He's eating a foot!

Andy

That's fu*king disgusting.

Clip 12

Clive is a hostage. So is Emma. But, unlike Clive, Emma has the good sense to keep shtum and go along with things. She knows that Metal Mickey is a psycho and she'd really like to survive.

Clive

I'm keeping track of all this, so I can write a report for the police. I'm memorising your faces.

Emma

Put a sock in it, you little cretin!

Clive

Hey, I'm doing this for your benefit too, you know?

Davey Tuppence

Why don't we just let them go.

Metal Mickey

Shut it, Davey!

Clive

Davey, is that your name? Right. I've made a note of that.

Davey Tuppence

Oh, great. Thanks, Mickey.

Clive

Mickey. Right. Another name.

Metal Mickey

You're remembering everything, are ya?

Clive

Yes, every tiny detail.

Metal Mickey

Well, don't forget this then.

[METAL MICKEY headbutts CLIVE in the face]

Keep your fu*king earholes shut!

Clip 13

Eric is losing his mind. Not sure if he ever knew C*ckney Rhyming Slang in the first place, but if he did, the language has abandoned him.

Eric

What are we gonna do? They're gonna break in.

Ray

Well, lets get tooled up, open the doors and take some of these bastards down with us!

Darryl

Are you seriously suggesting that we let 'em all in, and fight 'em off with a few packs of corn flakes, and a dodgy egg whisk?

Ray

Yeah! And this.

[RAY fires up an electric pruner]

Eric

Yeah, but there's only one of them, and there's a lot of Trafalgars out there!

Darryl

Eric, Eric, what is a Trafalgar?

Eric

Trafalgar is a zombie. It's rhyming slang innit?

Darryl

How is it?

Eric

Well, Trafalgar Square, fox and hare, hairy Greek, five-day week, weak and feeble, pins and needles, needle and stitch, Abercrombie and Fitch, Abercrombie... Zombie!

Clip 14

The gang have stolen an old Routemaster bus. They're using it to get across town to rescue Ray and his cronies. And just when things are going well, a zombie jumps on board.

Katy

Get off our bus, you fu*king mug!

[Opens fire with an automatic weapon, blasting the zombie off the bus]

No ticket.