20 MP3 Audio clips from Season 6 of Friday Night Dinner (2011)

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Martin has bought a caravan. A sh*thole on wheels. He's surprised that Jackie won't set foot in the fu*king thing and he needs the boys' help to try to make it happen.

Martin Goodman

Now, listen, I need your help.

Adam Goodman

Psychological help, or...?

Martin Goodman

How am I going to get that mother of yours to set foot in my caravan?

Jonny Goodman

Er, have you tried chloroform?

Martin has a plan to entice Jackie into his sh*thole caravan. And that plan starts with stealing the soup from the stovetop and taking it out there.

Jackie Goodman

Were you stealing my soup?

Martin Goodman

No.

Jonny Goodman

Yes, you were.

Martin Goodman

Shut up.

Jonny Goodman

And have a guess where he was taking it.

Jackie Goodman

Right, I'm having that, thank you.

Martin Goodman

But Jackie, I've made it all nice in there.

Adam Goodman

You mean you've emptied the chemical toilet?

Martin Goodman

Actually, I may need a hand with that thing, 'cos the unit's jammed and it's brimming with human waste.

Jackie Goodman

Okay, maybe you shouldn't have dinner with us tonight.

Martin Goodman

What?

Adam Goodman

Er, Mum?

Jackie Goodman

Shut up, boys.

Jackie Goodman

Yes, maybe you should eat all on your own.

Martin Goodman

But, Jackie...

Jackie Goodman

In your sh*thole.

[JACKIE shoves MARTIN out of the back door and slams it]

Martin Goodman

It's not a sh*thole!

"Always wear a sheath"? This is the best Martin could do when asked to say something to his sons who, against all odds, have finally got themselves girlfriends?

Jackie Goodman

Well, aren't you going to say anything, Martin?

Martin Goodman

What? Oh, yes... well done.

Jackie Goodman

Well done? Both of your sons have got girlfriends and that's all you can say?

Adam Goodman

It's okay, mum.

Jackie Goodman

It's not okay. Do you know how many years I've been waiting for this bloody moment? You're supposed to be their father. Say something proper to your sons.

Martin Goodman

Okay, boys...

Adam / Jonny Goodman

Yes?

Martin Goodman

..always wear a sheath.

What could be better at a family meal than some idiot coming in to the room with the chemical toilet from a caravan and dropping the contents all over the carpet? Hmm?

Jackie Goodman

What is that smell? Close the window, will you?

Jim Bell

Oh, and Martin, I noticed the loo in your caravan was all blocked up, so I... I managed to get the waste unit out for you.

Jackie Goodman

My God.

Adam Goodman

Ugh! Jim!

Jonny Goodman

Don't leave it there!

Martin Goodman

Thanks, Jim. Maybe take that back outside again?

Jackie Goodman

Yes, but slowly.

Jim Bell

Yes, of course, slowly, 'cos it is rather full.

[MILSON barks, startling JIM who drops the waste unit]

Adam Goodman

Great! Now our house is flooded with excrement.

Jackie Goodman

My lovely dining room!

Jonny Goodman

Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.

Jackie Goodman

Oh, Martin, get a mop.

Martin Goodman

What?! I'm not walking through that...

Adam Goodman

Sea of sh*t?

Jackie Goodman

Adam!

Martin has bought a pair of walkie-talkies for easy caravan to house communication. And he's insistent on correct radio procedure at all times. Over.

Jonny Goodman

Jonny to Dad, over.

Martin Goodman

Roger, Jonny, go ahead.

Jonny Goodman

Your caravan's on fire, over.

Martin Goodman

Sh*t on it, over.

Sniffing puddles and watching children play outside his bedroom window? That sounds bad. But the other way around would probably be worse. Nobody should be sniffing children.

Adam Goodman

Why can't she just be happy for me? When's she ever been in a bloody magazine?

Jonny Goodman

Ah, yes, the bloody magazine. "From where do you get your inspiration?"

Adam Goodman

Fantastic, it's online.

Jonny Goodman

"Anything can inspire me, from the smell of rain on tarmac..." What? So, you sniff puddles?

Adam Goodman

Jonny...

Jonny Goodman

"... to watching the children playing outside my bedroom window." That does not sound great.

Jonny can't resist going over and over his brother's interview in the magazine. But then, in fairness, some of the answers he gave are frankly disturbing.

Jonny Goodman

"What's your favourite smell?"

Adam Goodman

Yes, okay.

Jonny Goodman

Answer - "My girlfriend's hair." And does your girlfriend know you're a murderer?

Adam Goodman

And does your girlfriend know you're a d*ckhead?

The only correct response upon learning that Jim fancies someone is "sh*t on it!", so this wasn't really much of a surprise.

Jackie Goodman

Martin.

Martin Goodman

What?

Jackie Goodman

Jim fancies Gibby.

Martin Goodman

Sh*t on it.

Gibby hasn't learned yet that criticising Jackie's cuisine is the easiest way to incur her wrath. Jonny knows. Which is why he's enjoying this little exchange... rather too much, to be honest.

Jackie Goodman

Gibby, nice?

Gibby

Gibby is nice?

Jackie Goodman

Er, the food, do you like the taste?

Gibby

Mm, this is a difficult question.

Jackie Goodman

Really? Why?

Gibby

Because there is no taste.

Jonny Goodman

And you're staying here how long?

Gibby

For the five nights.

Jonny Goodman

Oh, yes, the five nights.

If proof were needed that Jim Bell is mad, look no further. Whoopsee diddledee dandy-dee!

Jim Bell

Jackie, I've finished my creamy tea and now I'm all ready to liberate Gibby.

Jackie Goodman

You're going to liberate Gibby, are you, Jim?

Jim Bell

Yes, Jackie.

Jonny Goodman

Right. And what are you going to do? Kick the door down?

Jim Bell

Erm... stand back, please.

[JIM begins to perform a bizarre dance]

There was a frog lived in a well,
whoopsee diddledee-dandy dee.
There was a mouse lived in a well,
whoopsee diddledee dandy-dee.
The frog he would a-wooing ride,
with a sword and buckler by his side.
With a harum-scarum diddle-dum-darum,
Whoopsee diddledee dandy-dee!

Gibby really quite likes Jim. Not sure if that says more about her than it does about him or... yes, it definitely does. She's clearly crazier than he is.

Gibby

Oh, Jim is not here?

Jackie Goodman

No, he's just had to pop home and...

Jonny Goodman

Make love to his dog.

[JACKIE hits JONNY in the arm]

Ow!

It's Martin's birthday. But he's not entirely happy about the situation. If you listen carefully, you might just be able to discern that from his responses.

Jackie Goodman

Oh, hello, Martin.

Martin Goodman

[Grunts]

Jonny Goodman

Happy birthday, Dad.

Adam Goodman

Happy birthday.

Martin Goodman

Balls!

Adam Goodman

Sorry?

Martin Goodman

Balls!

Cynthia, sorry... "Horrible Grandma" has invited herself to Martin's birthday meal. And she's really looking forward to the beef.

Martin Goodman

Jackie, can we bloody eat now?

Jackie Goodman

All right!

Cynthia Goodman

I'm looking forward to the beef.

Jackie Goodman

Oh, are you, Cynthia?

Cynthia Goodman

Well, it's about the only thing you make that's edible.

Cynthia has sprayed red wine all over the furniture and the walls. She says it was an accident, but it can't possibly have been.

Jackie Goodman

You did this on purpose, didn't you, Cynthia?

Cynthia Goodman

I beg your pardon?

Martin Goodman

Oh, God.

Jackie Goodman

You know, Cynthia, you come here and you treat this place like crap.

Cynthia Goodman

Oh, do I, Jacqueline?

Jackie Goodman

Yes, you bloody do!

Cynthia Goodman

Well, maybe that's because this place is crap.

Jackie's in hospital having some treatment... downstairs, so Val is cooking Friday Night Dinner.

Val Lewis

So...I hear you've got yourself a girlfriend.

Adam Goodman

Ohh, Auntie...

Val Lewis

We were worried about you.

Adam Goodman

Jonny's got a girlfriend too, you know. Where is he?

Val Lewis

I thought maybe you were asexual.

Adam Goodman

A sexual what?

Val Lewis

No, asexual - having no sexual needs or desires.

Adam Goodman

Oh, my God.

Jonny Goodman

No sexual needs or desires.

[JACKIE'S phone chimes]

Adam Goodman

Ugh.

Val Lewis

Ooh.

Jonny Goodman

Is that Mum?

Val Lewis

Not quite.

Jonny Goodman

Yeah, that's definitely not Mum.

Val Lewis

What do you think?

Adam Goodman

Of the stupid, topless man?

Val Lewis

I tell you, this app is full of gorgeous men just waiting for my finger.

Val is in a rush. Her lover boy is arriving any moment. So the family are being forced to wolf down a three-course meal.

Jackie Goodman

Um, Val.

Val Lewis

Mm-hm?

Jackie Goodman

Maybe you should try and take it a bit slower.

Val Lewis

Slower? Jonathan, you can put more in your mouth, you know.

Jonny Goodman

Mm?! Mmm!

Jackie Goodman

No, I mean with this guy, what's his name?

Martin Goodman

Fu*kbot One-Thousand.

[JACKIE hits MARTIN]

Ow!

Jackie Goodman

Martin!

[The doorbell rings and MARTIN, ADAM & JONNY leave the room]

Val Lewis

Where are you all going?

Martin Goodman

To get the sodding door and then kill ourselves.

The Goodmans hate Val's rice pudding. But it would be rude not to eat it. Of course, it doesn't necessarily have to be them who eat it. Jim might be the answer to their prayers.

Jonny Goodman

Er, Jim?

Jim Bell

Hmm?

Jonny Goodman

Do you like rice pudding?

Jackie Goodman

Jonny!

Jim Bell

Rice pudding? Erm, my mother used to make me rice pudding.

Jonny Goodman

Did she?

Jim Bell

Yes, and I hated every mouthful.

Martin Goodman

Terrific.

Jim Bell

I'd rather eat a bowl of rats' innards than even a thimble of horrid, horrid, horrid rice pudding.

Jonny Goodman

Ah, I tried.

Adam Goodman

Oh, but, Jim! Have you ever eaten Jewish rice pudding?

Martin Goodman

Genius.

Jim Bell

Jewish rice pudding?

Adam Goodman

Yes, Jewish rice pudding. It's...

Martin Goodman

Delicious.

Jim Bell

Is it?

All

Yes.

Jonny Goodman

And did you know it's a great honour for a non-Jew to eat Jewish rice pudding?

Jim Bell

An honour?

Jackie Goodman

The highest.

Jim knows little of Judaism but he's keen to learn. Which is a source of constant amusement for the Goodman family. Still, at least he ate the entire batch of Val's rice pudding.

Jim Bell

Hello, all.

Martin Goodman

Talking of strange.

Jonny Goodman

Feeling better now, are you, Jim?

Jim Bell

Not really, but it was worth it for the...for the great Jewish honour.

[JIM belches]

Yes, Shalom.

Boys

Shalom.

Martin has managed to get glass in the starter. He won't tell Jackie and because he won't tell her, the boys can't tell her. Their girlfriends want to tell her. But nobody can tell her.

Lucy

I'm sorry, but glass? You've got to tell your mum.

Jonny

Luce.

Lucy

Obviously you have to tell her.

Adam Goodman

I know - but it doesn't really work like that in this house, does it, Jonny?

Jonny Goodman

No, it doesn't. Does it, Dad?

Martin Goodman

Mmm?

Adam Goodman

And you're going to drink that, are you?

Martin Goodman

What do you think I'm going to do with it? Funnel it up my bum? Look, just drink from the side of the bowl, and you should be fine.

Lucy

So we're just going to sit here and watch your mum choke to death, are we?

Adam Goodman

It is sort of the easiest option.

And as if glass in the soup wasn't bad enough, now Martin goes and gets glass in the "Crimble Crumble" as well. The party's over, folks. Everyone get out.

Jackie Goodman

Actually, Martin, why don't you, you know, say a few words?

Martin Goodman

A few words?

Jackie Goodman

Go on, say something nice.

Martin Goodman

Um... okay, love.

Adam Goodman

And stand by.

[MARTIN clears his throat and begins tapping a champagne flute with a spoon]

Martin Goodman

Hear ye! Hear ye!

[The champage flute, predictably, smashes]

Martin Goodman

Oh, dear.

Adam Goodman

Dad!

Lucy

Oh, my God!

Jonny Goodman

You idiot!

Jackie Goodman

I can't believe it! You just got bloody glass in my crumble!

Martin Goodman

Jackie, it was an accident.

Jackie Goodman

You've got glass in everything tonight! Everything!

Martin Goodman

Calm down, Jackie.

Jackie Goodman

Don't tell me to effing calm down!

Jonny Goodman

Mum!

Jackie Goodman

Right, just get out, will you?

Martin Goodman

What?

Jonny Goodman

Really?

Jackie Goodman

You heard me! You've ruined the whole bloody night! Just get...

Lucy

I'm pregnant! I'm gonna have a baby.

Jonny Goodman

Shi-i-i-it!