15 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of Friday Night Dinner (2011)

PLAY ALL 138 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Martin and Jackie are relaxing in their hot-tub, sipping champagne. The boys aren't too keen to join them and Jim is just confused as to why they're having a bath outside. Situation normal!

Jackie Goodman

Well, come on. Get in, then.

Adam Goodman

Get in?

Jonny Goodman

Aww, gross!

Jackie Goodman

What do you mean, "Gross"?!

Jonny Goodman

Your bottoms have been in that water.

Adam Goodman

Yeah.

Jackie Goodman

So?

Martin Goodman

Your bottoms have been in that air.

Adam Goodman

Not quite the same thing.

Jackie Goodman

What's wrong with our bottoms?

Martin Goodman

Yeah, your mother's got a lovely bum.

[MARTIN pinches JACKIE'S bum and she squeals]

Jonny Goodman

Live sex show.

Adam Goodman

Aren't you making dinner?

Jackie Goodman

What? Oh, no. We're getting a takeaway.

Adam Goodman

Which you'll be eating while lying in your own filth?

Martin Goodman

There's no filth, you berk. I added toilet cleaner, didn't I?

Adam / Jonny

Toilet cleaner?!

Jackie Goodman

Toilet cleaner?!

Martin Goodman

Well, just a little. You know, genital germs, et cetera.

Jackie Goodman

Right, I'm getting out now, Martin! Thank you.

Jim Bell

Hello, all!

Jackie Goodman

Oh, Jim!

Jim Bell

Jackie.

Martin Goodman

What are you doing here?

Jim Bell

Why have you got a great big bubbly bath outside?

Martin Goodman

It's a hot tub.

Jim Bell

Hot tub?

Jonny Goodman

Hot toilet.

Jackie Goodman

Thank you.

Jim Bell

And do Jewish people not take baths indoors?

Jonny Goodman

Uh, not on Friday nights.

Jim Bell

Ah, of course. Shalom.

Adam / Jonny

Shalom.

I've heard a lot of colloquialisms for sex in my time but I've never heard it called, "Nippy-Nippy" before. I can see why the boys were so horrified by it.

Martin Goodman

Nippy-nippy!

Jackie Goodman

Martin!

Jonny Goodman

Oh, please don't say that's your special name for...

Martin Goodman

Nippy-nippy!

Jonny Goodman

Oh, God. It is!

Adam Goodman

Please kill us now!

Jackie Goodman

Grow up. Everyone has their own name for it.

Adam Goodman

Do they? I don't.

Martin Goodman

That's because you never get any nippy-nippy!

Jonny Goodman

Ha, ha, ha. Yes!

Travel to Switzerland? Dinner table conversation. Operations on, or indeed in, one's bottom? Definitely not dinner table conversation, Jim.

Jim Bell

I once went to Switzerland!

Jackie

Ooh, Switzerland?

Jim Bell

Yes. To have a special operation on my bottom.

Adam Goodman

Wonderful.

Jim Bell

Not on my bottom, it was... in my bottom. Have you ever had a special operation on or in your bottom?

Jackie

No, but I was once given some penicillin for my... foo-foo.

[Laughs]

Who doesn't need a message tone of Martin Goodman shouting, "Sh*tting tits"? Perfect for someone you'd really rather not hear from. Unless they hear the tone, of course.

Martin Goodman

SH*TTING TITS!

Having invited herself to dinner with the Goodmans, Jackie decides to offend them by being anti-Semitic, resulting in her sorry ass being launched out of the house and out of Jim's life.

Jackie Goodman

And... oh, sorry, I never even asked you, Jackie. What is it you do?

Jackie

Oh, er... well, I was working as a legal secretary.

Jackie Goodman

Ooh, someone's a clever clogs.

Jackie

But then I left my job because I didn't really like the people.

Jackie Goodman

Oh dear, why is that?

Jackie

They were Jews.

[Laughs]

[Cut to JACKIE GOODMAN marching the OTHER JACKIE towards the front door]

What I meant was...

Jackie Goodman

That's it, keep talking.

Jackie

..that not all Jews are bad, but the ones I've met...

Jackie Goodman

And here we are!

Jackie

Um...

[Whilst the OTHER JACKIE laughs, she's pushed over the threshold]

Jackie Goodman

And now...p*ss off!

[JACKIE GOODMAN slams the door in the OTHER JACKIE'S face]

Martin doesn't like Val. Never has and probably never will. She's Jackie's friend and his nemesis. So imagine how (briefly) relieved he was to hear that she can't stay with them.

Val Lewis

Jackie, I did speak to my sister, and I am going to stay there.

Jackie Goodman

Really?

Martin Goodman

Joy!

Val Lewis

Tomorrow.

Martin Goodman

Sh*t!

What kind of a neighbour is Jim? The kind of neighbour who'll gladly take in a package for you... but then open it. And then reveal the contents in front of your family. That kind of neighbour.

Jim Bell

The reason I'm here is because you were out when the post lady came. So she gave me a package to give to you.

Jackie Goodman

Did she?

Jim Bell

And when I opened it...

Jackie Goodman

You opened my package?

Jim Bell

..it was a book all about the menopause.

Jonny Goodman

Okay!

Jim Bell

It's very interesting. The diagrams were particularly helpful.

Sobey's Lounge Bar. It's a bar. And a lounge. But it's like a morgue. No atmosphere. Just one elderly man with a severe case of catarrh.

Adam Goodman

No atmosphere.

Jonny Goodman

No atmosphere.

Jackie Goodman

Shh.

Adam Goodman

It's like a morgue in here.

Jackie Goodman

It's not like a morgue in here. It's lovely.

[An elderly patron starts coughing violently]

Actually, it is like a morgue in here.

Jim is so thoughtful. I mean, what woman could possibly refuse the gift of the very nightie that his mother died in? Wow. Such generosity!

Jim Bell

Sorry, Jackie, just came to give you your special SURPRISE birthday present.

Jackie Goodman

Thanks, Jim, but...

[JIM thrusts a red plastic bag in JACKIE'S face]

Jim Bell

Jackie.

Jackie Goodman

A nightie.

Jim Bell

It was my mother's. She lived in it.

Jackie Goodman

Right.

Jim Bell

And died in it.

Jackie Goodman

Great.

The internet. It's not great, is it? I mean, it could be. But at the moment it's clogged up with crap. Like videos of horses having sex with pigs, for example. Right, Adam?

Adam Goodman

Are you going to text him crap all night? You're seeing him in, like, like half an hour.

Jonny Goodman

Er, his fiancée left him two weeks before his wedding. Maybe he's a bit upset.

Adam Goodman

Right, and you're cheering him up, are you?

Jonny Goodman

It's called being a friend.

Adam Goodman

By sending him videos of horses having sex with donkeys.

Jonny Goodman

That's right, and pigs.

[JONNY shows ADAM a video on his phone]

Adam Goodman

Thanks for that.

Jonny Goodman

Any time.

Jim had never seen a ventriloquist's dummy before tonight. And then he met Lord Luck. And he wet himself. Not laughing, you understand. He actually wet himself.

Jim Bell

So when you opened the door, I saw the little man. I was terror-stricken.

Jackie Goodman

I know, Jim.

Jim Bell

I had to change my trousers, because I'd filled them all up with wee-wee.

Adam Goodman

How lovely.

Lord Luck is the creepy ventriloquist's dummy that Martin simply can't leave alone. Having re-discovered his "friend" in the attic, the little sh*t's now dishing out relationship advice!

Ben

Do you think Lucy will come back?

Jackie Goodman

Pardon?

Ben

Do you think she'll come back to me?

Jackie Goodman

Course she'll come back to you. Won't she?

Jonny Goodman

Definitely.

Adam Goodman

Yeah.

Jackie Goodman

She probably just needs, um... you know, time to think.

Ben

Time to think.

Jonny Goodman

Yeah. She just needs some time.

Adam Goodman

Yeah. Time.

Ben

So she'll come back, then? Definitely... come back?

Martin Goodman

Can I say something?

Ben

Yeah.

Martin Goodman

Actually, can Lord Luck say something?

Ben

Um... all right.

Lord Luck

She's not coming back.

Ben

Sorry?

Lord Luck

She's not coming back, mate. If she's run away, there's a reason and that reason is, it's just not meant to be.

Ben

But...

Lord Luck

The thing is, life's a bugger-r-r-r!

You can always count on Martin to say something wholly inappropriate. Take this incident for example. I'm not sure what goes on in his head but I know I don't want any part of it!

Adam Goodman

Where is Grandma?

Jackie Goodman

She's -

Martin Goodman

- out making a porn video.

Jackie Goodman

Martin! That's disgusting!

Jonny Goodman

Dad...

Martin Goodman

Porn video!

[Laughs]

Jim has been burgled. He's in shock. Which is why he's slurping noisily from Jackie's finest china. You've got to feel sorry for him. He's definitely not all there, am I right?

[JIM slurps noisily from a cup]

Jackie Goodman

Better now, Jim?

Jim Bell

Much better, Mummy... Jackie. Yes... to think that my house was broken into by... brutes.

Adam Goodman

Brutes.

Jim Bell

It makes me feel all dirty. Like I've been used as a kind of... la-VAT-ory.

Jonny Goodman

Er, lavatory?

Jim Bell

I'm fine, thank you.

Sam. A man. Who had a dog. Also called Sam. And Sam tried to wipe his bum on Martin's fence once. And we're not talking about Sam the dog, here.

Martin Goodman

I remember who Sam was now.

Jackie Goodman

Do you?

Martin Goodman

He wasn't a dog, he was a man!

Adam Goodman

Bit of a difference.

Jackie Goodman

Oh, you mean Sam, our old neighbour?

Martin Goodman

Sam, our old neighbour!

Jonny Goodman

Sam, your old neighbour?

Jackie Goodman

That's right. He had a dog, also called Sam.

Martin Goodman

Sam!

Adam Goodman

What, the man was called Sam, and he also had a dog called Sam?

Martin Goodman

He once tried to wipe his bum on our fence.

Adam Goodman

Which Sam? The man or the dog?

Martin Goodman

You don't want to know.

Adam Goodman

God.