25 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Friday Night Dinner (2011)

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Nelly's off to a party. It's not every day you get to see your grandmother dressed like... well, a bit like... a whore, to be honest.

Jackie Goodman

That's it, Mum.

Jonny Goodman

Hi.

Jackie Goodman

Hi, boys.

Nelly Buller

Oh, hello.

Jonny Goodman

What's going on?

Jackie Goodman

Grandma's going to a party.

Nelly Buller

I'm going to a party!

Jonny Goodman

Dressed like that?

Jackie Goodman

Shh!

Nelly Buller

Jackie, are you sure that... I look all right?

Jackie Goodman

Yes, Mum, you look lovely.

Adam Goodman

Like an old prostitute.

Nelly Buller

I hope there's nice men there.

Adam Goodman

God.

Jackie Goodman

Well, bye, Mum!

Jonny Goodman

Topless massage starts at sixty pounds.

The Goodmans have been burgled by Tony Sampson. He's a "friend" of Martin's from university. But just as Jackie is about to call the police, Jim locates the miscreant.

Jackie Goodman

Police, please.

Jim Bell

Jackie...

Jonny Goodman

Not now, Jim.

Jim Bell

I did see the man in his car just now.

Jackie Goodman

I'll hold.

Jim Bell

He'd just broken down in the road.

Jackie Bell

What?

Jim Bell

It's just next door.

[MARTIN takes the phone from JACKIE]

Martin Goodman

Wrong number!

[MARTIN takes the pineapple that JACKIE is holding]

Right! I'm having that.

Jackie Goodman

You're not gonna hit him on the head with it are you?

Martin Goodman

No, I'm gonna shove it up his arsehole.

Adam has fallen head over heels for a waitress at the local restaurant. He's not got the courage to speak to her so he's been stalking her relentlessly.

Jonny Goodman

Well, if you like the girl so much, why don't you talk to her?

Adam Goodman

I can't just talk to her, can I? And say what?

Jonny Goodman

"Please play with my penis"?

Paris. The city of love. You'd think that Martin might have a romantic anecdote about the place. Anecdote? Yes. Romantic? Er, no. Not exactly, no.

Jackie Goodman

Ah, but Paris... Martin, do you remember when we went to Paris?

Martin Goodman

Um... was that when I was sick after eating that cheese?

Jackie Goodman

Glad you remember.

Martin Goodman

Uh... it went all down the back of the radiator.

Martin has managed to spill oil on the bedroom carpet. He knows that Jackie will castrate him if she finds out. So it's time to sneakily call in a professional.

Martin Goodman

[Flicking through the local newspaper in search of a carpet cleaner]

Man... man... man...

Jonny Goodman

How are you going to get the man into the house without Mum seeing?

Adam Goodman

Yeah. She does have these things called eyes.

Martin Goodman

You stupid tits. We'll sneak him in through the garage. Then we'll take your mother out.

Jonny Goodman

Out?

Martin Goodman

Yes, or would you rather stay here and watch your father having his bollocks chopped off?

Adam Goodman

Do you really want us to answer that?

Adam has won an award for one of his jingles. Martin has made a poster which, inexplicably, is covered in rabbits. Which raises some questions.

Jackie Goodman

What are all the rabbits?

Martin Goodman

Oh, 'cause he used to keep rabbits.

Adam Goodman

Er, no, I didn't.

Jackie Goodman

No, he didn't.

Martin Goodman

Oh, no. I used to keep rabbits.

Adam Goodman

So easy to confuse yourself with your own son.

Martin does have a bit of a lazy eye but even so, there's no excusing addressing Jonny while looking at Lisa. It's bound to cause confusion.

Martin Goodman

Oi! What the hell are you doing getting married without telling your mother?

Lisa

Um, she's not my mother.

Martin Goodman

Sorry, I don't know why I was looking at you then. What the hell are you doing getting married without telling your mother?

Jonny married Lisa in Vegas. After what sounds like a one-night-stand. A drunken one-night-stand. Not really the basis for a happy and lasting marriage, is it?

Jackie Goodman

Thanks a lot, Jonathan.

Jonny Goodman

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Martin Goodman

Oh, come on, Jackie.

Jackie Goodman

How could you do this to me?

Jonny Goodman

Do what to you?

Adam Goodman

He's so thoughtless.

Jonny Goodman

Shut up!

Adam Goodman

Never thinks of his mother.

Jonny Goodman

Seriously! It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

Adam Goodman

You don't say.

Jonny Goodman

I met her the night before, and...

Jackie Goodman

The night before?

Adam Goodman

You'd known her for one night?

Martin Goodman

Sex.

Jackie Goodman

Thank you, Martin.

Jonny Goodman

Plus the morning.

Martin Goodman

Sex.

Jackie Goodman

Seriously!

Jonny Goodman

We got to know each other pretty well, actually.

Martin Goodman

Sex.

Jackie Goodman

Martin, will you please stop saying "sex"?

Lisa didn't know the Goodmans were Jewish. Nor did she know that Jonny had been in prison. For buggering dogs. Of course, that's not true but it's still funny, right Martin?

Lisa

I love the candles by the way.

Jackie Goodman

Thank you.

Lisa

I hope they're not just for me?

Jackie Goodman

What? Oh. No. It's Friday night, so...

Lisa

Friday night?

Jackie Goodman

We're Jewish, so...

Lisa

Are you?

Jackie Goodman

Sorry?

Adam Goodman

Jonathan Goodman, don't you tell your wife anything?

Martin Goodman

She didn't know we're Jewish?

Jackie Goodman

No, Martin.

Martin Goodman

Don't worry, we're quite normal. Although we may try to drink your blood later on.

[Laughs like a vampire]

Jonny Goodman

Dad!

Adam Goodman

But he did tell you he was in prison, right?

Lisa

What?

Jonny Goodman

Ha-ha.

Adam Goodman

For buggering dogs.

Jackie Goodman

Adam!

Martin Goodman

[Laughs]

Buggering dogs!

England. Famous for its pubs and the hospitality of the landlords of those pubs. Except for the "Black Boy" where Adam, Jonny, and Lisa go to escape the wrath of Jackie.

Pub Landlord

Yeah?

Jonny Goodman

Ah, evening.

Pub Landlord

What about it?

Jonny Goodman

Er...

Adam Goodman

Two pints of lager, please. And for your random bride?

Jonny Goodman

Thank you. And another pint.

Pub Landlord

You want two pints and another pint?

Jonny Goodman

Yeah, so three pints.

Pub Landlord

Thanks for the maths lesson.

The landlord of the "Black Boy" pub might look a little like Al Murray but he's got none of his wit and charm. He's abrasive, abusive and... oh, let's face it. He's funny as fu*k!

Pub Landlord

Twelve pounds.

Adam Goodman

Um... there.

Pub Landlord

And congratulations, by the way.

Jonny Goodman

Er, thank you.

Pub Landlord

To both of you.

Adam Goodman

Both of us?

Pub Landlord

For being wa*kers.

Adam never lets an opportunity pass him by. Jonny might be divorcing his new wife and he may be Adam's brother but that doesn't stop him from moving in for the kill. Yee-ha!

Adam Goodman

So you're getting divorced from my brother?

Lisa

Uh-huh.

Adam Goodman

Hmm. Fancy going out for a drink some time?

Lisa

Why not?

Adam Goodman

Yee-ha!

Martin is not in a good mood. Three times Jackie has made him pop round to her mothers on pointless errands. He's not a happy camper.

Martin Goodman

P*ssing hell!

Jonny Goodman

Um, hi, Dad.

Martin Goodman

P*ssing bloody hell!

Jonny Goodman

Driving without a top now, are we?

Martin Goodman

What?

Jonny Goodman

Are you on the run or something?

Martin Goodman

I tell you, if your mum makes me go 'round to her mother's again, I'll bleedin' hang myself.

Jonny Goodman

Ooh, can I watch?

If you want a flippant, sarcastic answer to a simple question, just ask Martin.

Jackie Goodman

Martin! And where are you going with all those pipes?

Martin Goodman

I'll tell you where I'm going, to shove them up my bottom.

Jonny Goodman

You asked him.

Jackie Goodman

Incredible...

Who fails their driving test fourteen times? Jim Bell, that's who. But then he did drive into a reservoir the last time out.

Jackie Goodman

[Reading aloud from a congratulations card]

"Dear Jim, congratulations on passing your driving test. Love, Wilson." Oh.

Jim Bell

Clever Wilson.

Jackie Goodman

Oh. So, did you... Pass first time?

Jim Bell

Fifteenth.

Jackie Goodman

Well, that's not too...

Jim Bell

Last time I drove into a reservoir.

In the course of giving Adam a "wedgie", Jonny has torn his pyjama bottoms off, leaving him naked from the waist down like some over-sized toddler.

Jonny Goodman

Come on, let's just go to Grandma's.

Adam Goodman

Go to Grandma's? What? With my arse hanging out?

Jonny Goodman

Not forgetting your bollocks.

Adam Goodman

Oh, God.

Jonny Goodman

Come on, she'll have something for you to wear.

Adam Goodman

Like what, exactly?

Jonny Goodman

I don't know, a nice old pair of knickers?

[Laughs hysterically]

Adam and Jonny have rung the doorbell of their grandmother's neighbour. Adam is wearing Jonny's shirt as a skirt which means that Jonny is topless. Not the best start to a conversation.

Jonny Goodman

Adam, I don't think you should have rung the bell.

Neighbour

Just a minute.

Adam Goodman

But you just said I should ring it.

Jonny Goodman

Oh, someone's coming. Um, excuse me, but can we please use your telephone?

Adam Goodman

Um... we haven't come to attack you.

[The woman begins screaming hysterically]

Jonny Goodman

And now we run.

Adam Goodman

Yup.

Neighbour

Somebody call the police! Somebody call the police!

Just what exactly is "bum medicine" and why does administering it entail crouching over a mirror? Why am I even asking that question?

Adam Goodman

Mum... um, Grandma's glasses.

Jackie Goodman

Don't worry. She called. She found her spare pair, anyway.

Adam Goodman / Jonny Goodman

What?

Jackie Goodman

Yeah, she couldn't answer the door when you came 'round, cause she was a bit... busy.

Jonny Goodman

Oh, she was busy, was she?

Jackie Goodman

Well, she was in the bathroom with her tights 'round her ankles, bending over a mirror.

Adam Goodman

Sorry?

Martin Goodman / Jonny Goodman

Bum medicine.

Uncle Saul. He died because he ate too much and his rectum closed up and he imploded. And that's not the way anybody would choose to exit this life really, is it?

Cynthia Goodman

Well, aren't you going to say anything?

Jonny Goodman

Sorry Uncle Saul died.

Cynthia Goodman

Oh, Saul was a wonderful man. Everybody loved him.

Jonny Goodman

Hated him.

Cynthia Goodman

The thing is, he ate too much and in the end it killed him. His rectum seized up and his bowels imploded.

Adam Goodman

Eww...

Are we still talking about Uncle Saul and his amazing exploding bowels? Apparently so. Take it away, Martin!

Martin Goodman

Makes you think, though. One minute you're having your sandwich, the next your arse blows up.

Jonny is the king of the inappropriate comment. I mean, who says this about their own grandmother? But then, we are talking about Cynthia Goodman. She lowers the temperature. Brrrrr!

Cynthia Goodman

May I ask, whose car keys are these?

Adam Goodman

Uh... Mine. Why?

Cynthia Goodman

Then I shall be waiting on the back seat for you.

Adam Goodman

What? Where are we going?

Jonny Goodman

Nowhere. I think she just wants you to feel her tits!

Val Lewis

[Laughs hysterically]

Cynthia has been... what's the word? Um... it's like, you know... fu*king horrible. Which is normal for her. She's a witch, frankly.

Cynthia Goodman

I've been really...

Adam Goodman

Horrible?

Jonny Goodman

Horrible?

Cynthia Goodman

What's the word?

Jackie Goodman

Horrible.

Martin Goodman

Horrible.

Val Lewis

Fu*king horrible.

Cynthia Goodman

Yes, fu*king horrible.

If Saul had been given the choice, I'm pretty sure he'd have asked... perhaps even pleaded that Martin not be allowed to perform his eulogy. This is frankly horrific!

Martin Goodman

Saul David Epstein.

Cynthia Goodman

Richard Epstein.

Martin Goodman

Richard Epstein. Saul Richard Epstein, suffered a long and terrible, drawn-out illness. During which, uh, he developed some pretty horrid bacteria, deep inside his gut...

Adam Goodman

He's doing the medical report...

Martin Goodman

And unfortunately, this all led to a nasty infection in his intestinal regions, and a subsequent rupture of the inner lining to his anal glands.

Jonny Goodman

Did he just...

Adam Goodman

Anal glands.

Martin Goodman

And this, in turn, created an enormous build-up of faecal matter...

Adam Goodman

Did he...

Jonny Goodman

Faecal matter.

Martin Goodman

And, well, since the sphincter had all but given up, there was effectively a whole mass of solid waste leaking back into Saul's bowels.

Jackie Martin

Uh, Martin...

Martin Goodman

Until, bang! Saul's bowels just exploded... only inwardly. So, if there is one lesson to be learnt from Saul's life, it's that we should all take much greater care of our health, in particular our guts, and our anuses.

Sometimes I think I'd like to know where I was conceived. But then, I'm slightly afraid that the answer might be somewhere slightly less than romantic. Like... a car, for example.

Adam Goodman

And to think, I was born in this house. I was probably conceived here.

Jonny Goodman

Ugh, Adam, I'm eating.

Jackie Goodman

What do you mean, "Ugh, I'm eating"?

Jonny Goodman

Well, I really don't want to think about you and Dad doing your "conceiving business" in this house, not while I'm also in this house.

Jackie Goodman

Who said your brother was conceived in this house?

Adam Goodman

Sorry?

Jackie Goodman

Maybe he was conceived somewhere else.

Jonny Goodman

Was he?

Adam Goodman

If it wasn't in the house, where was it?

Martin Goodman

The car.

Adam Goodman

The car?

Martin Goodman

That's where you were formed.

Adam Goodman

Formed.

Martin Goodman

Your mother's egg, my spermatozoa.

Adam Goodman

Dad!

Jackie Goodman

All right, Martin.

And now it's Jonny's turn to find out where he was conceived. And I bet he's wishing his life started in the car. Because compared to where it actually took place...

Martin Goodman

Wait, Jackie! Meat.

Jackie Goodman

What?

Martin Goodman

The butcher's. That's where we did it, in the alley behind the butcher's.

Jackie Goodman

Oh, yes!

Jonny Goodman

What?

Martin Goodman

Where we formed you.

Adam Goodman

I'm sorry?

Martin Goodman

In the alley behind the butcher's.

Jackie Goodman

Butcher's!

Jonny Goodman

The alley behind the butcher's?

Martin Goodman

We were quite drunk.

Jackie Goodman

Very drunk!

Adam Goodman

Hmm. The Last Supper just gets better and better!