22 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of Friday Night Dinner (2011)

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Adam is introducing his girlfriend, Emma to his family. And by the sounds of things, she's going to fit in an absolute treat.

Adam

My brother, Jonny...

Jonny

All right, Pusface?

Adam

Very good.

Emma

All right, P*ssface?

Adam

Oh!

[ADAM high-fives EMMA]

Jackie

Oh, I love your hair!

Emma

Thanks, I grew it myself.

Did Adam really think that introducing his new girlfriend to his dysfunctional family was a good idea? I mean, she should be running for the hills about now!

Martin

Has anyone in your family been murdered?

Emma

Um, no, not yet. Although sometimes I'd quite like to strangle my sister.

Martin

Well, the hardest part isn't the actual killing. No. It's working out what to do next.

Adam

Also available for children's parties.

Martin

The best thing would be to put your sister's body in the bath...

Emma

Okay.

Martin

Hmm. Then turn on the taps and pour in loads and loads of washing powder.

Jackie

Seriously...

Emma

Washing powder?

Martin

Yes, it acts as an acid, so all the flesh on your sister's body would be stripped off quite soon.

Adam

Dad!

Martin

Then all you'd have to do is burn or grind down her bones.

Adam

Welcome to the family.

Katie is eight-years-old and she's become an unexpected dinner guest. Problem is, she has a crush on Adam. Which is slightly embarrassing for all concerned, to be honest.

Jackie

Everyone, we have a special guest for dinner. This is Katie.

Emma

Hello, Katie.

Jackie

Katie's here because her mummy, Susan, from round the corner, had to go and see Katie's grandma in hospital all of a sudden. So, we're... all looking after her tonight.

Martin

Really?

Jackie

Shh!

Jonny

Evening ruined.

Jackie

You remember Adam, don't you? He used to baby-sit for you when you were little.

Adam

Hi, Katie.

Katie

Hello, Adam.

[KATIE immediately hides behind JACKIE]

Jonny

Oh...

[Coughs]

...fancies you!

Katie has seen photographs of Emma's sister on Adam's mobile phone. Yes, those sorts of photographs. And Katie's been blackmailing Adam into spending time with her all night.

Emma

Okay, I'm gonna head off.

Adam

What? Why are you going?

Emma

Because every time I try and talk to you, you're holding a little girl's bloody hand.

Katie

Rude word.

Adam

Emma, I told you, it's only a bit of fun.

Emma

Fun? How is this fu*king fun?

Katie

Ruder word!

Martin has stowed a dead fox in the chest freezer in the garage. On top of the choc-ices to be precise. And his sons are about to discover his macabre secret.

Adam

Okay, might we be right in assuming there's something in there you don't want us to see?

Martin

What? Of... of course not.

Adam

Okay, Dad, we believe you.

Martin

Right. Thank you.

Adam

Now!

[ADAM lifts the lid on the freezer]

Martin

No!

Jonny

Oh, Jesus!

Adam

Oh, my God!

Jonny

The profiteroles!

Martin

You sh*tting crapface!

Adam

What is a fox doing in the freezer?

Jonny

A fox!

Martin

Look, keep your bloody voices down!

Jackie

Dinner's ready!

Jonny

There's a dead fox in there!

Martin

Shut the bloody thing!

Adam

Dad!

Martin wants his sons to stop being such little sh*ts. But as they themselves admit, that simply isn't possible.

Martin

Okay, will you two please stop being such little sh*ts?

Adam

I'm afraid that's not possible.

Jonny

Impossible.

Who doesn't need a message tone consisting of Martin saying, "sh*tballs" apropos of nothing?

Martin

Sh*tballs!

Nelly has had her hair done. Not that you'd know because she hardly ever mentions it. No. Wait. She does. All the time.

Jonny

You all right, Grandma?

Nelly

Thank you, dolly.

Nelly

Yes, they certainly gave it a good style.

Adam

Please keep talking about your hair.

Jonny

Until we die.

Nelly

I must admit, I do like a curl.

Jonny

I've just died.

Nelly

To be honest, Andre is so good with his hands, I let him do whatever he wants to me.

Jonny

And that's why she's now pregnant.

Nelly

What?

Adam

We're home now, Grandma.

Give Martin a calculator and he'll spend all of his time calculating the most random and meaningless things imaginable. Even if the sums are romantic, he tends to go too far.

Martin

Done it!

Jonny

Done what?

Martin

My calculation.

Jackie

It's not toilet maths again, is it?

Martin

No, it's not toilet maths. Listen to this. Did you know that your mother and I have known each other for exactly thirteen million, seven-hundred and forty-six-thousand, six-hundred and forty minutes?

Adam

You know, I did not know that.

Jonny

Nor I.

Jackie

Oh, how sweet.

Nelly

Very sweet.

Martin

But we've only been physically intimate with each other for...

Jackie

Please don't work that one out.

Mr. Morris. The life and soul of any party. Always full of interesting (if a little morbid) facts.

Martin

Um, Nelly told us the sad news about your wife.

Mr. Morris

She died.

Martin

We are sorry.

Jackie

Yeah.

Mr. Morris

Well, what can you do? It happens to all of us. I mean, your boys'll be dead in... him, sixty years.

Adam

Good to know.

Mr. Morris

Him, sixty-five years.

Jonny

I win.

Mr. Morris

You're wrong. You can never win against death.

Jackie

Well, cheers, everyone!

You can't put a figure on fun, can you? Or generosity. Well, you can if you're Mr. Morris. If you're Mr. Morris, that limit is £4.50 per head.

Mr. Morris

Oh, there you are. Come on, I'm taking you all out.

Jackie

Out?

Mr. Morris

Yes, it's a celebration. Hurry up, Nelly!

Martin

It's okay, Mr Morris, we haven't finished our dinner yet.

Mr. Morris

Nonsense. I will not have my beautiful daughter slaving over the hot dishes on this night.

Jackie

Daughter?

Mr. Morris

No, I'm taking you all out for a bit of fun. Somewhere special.

Jonny

Favourite brothel?

Mr. Morris

And don't worry, the drinks are on me. You can have whatever you want. Up to the value of four pounds fifty per head.

You'd think that Jonny and Adam would be safe to discuss Mr. Morris at the urinals, wouldn't you? But you'd be wrong. Very wrong.

Adam

Grandma's actually gonna marry that loony.

Jonny

Oh.

Mr. Morris

Someone calling me a loony?

Adam

Oh, um, hello, Mister Morris.

Jonny

Hi.

Mr. Morris

Let me tell you something about this loony. This loony built up a button-sewing business from nothing but dust.

Jonny

Right.

Mr. Morris

To become not the fifth, not the fourth, not the third, but the second biggest button-sewing business in the whole of the Hertfordshire region! Now, finish your widdle!

An "angry p*ss" pretty much describes perfectly what's just taken place in the toilets of the bowling alley.

Jackie

What did he say in there?

Adam

He didn't really say much, it was more of...

Jonny

An angry p*ss.

Adam

A very angry p*ss.

Jackie

A what?

Martin

Yeah, I've had one of those.

We all know that we're the biological result of our parents having sex. But to be confronted with the fact they still have sex, even if we know they do... it's disgusting, right?

Adam

It's a good look.

Martin

Thank you.

Jonny

What's going on?

Martin

What? Oh, your mother and I were having a bit of time to ourselves.

Jonny

Okay.

Martin

We were just making love.

Jonny

Oh, God!

Adam

Right. We're going to go and sit in the car for twenty minutes, then come back in again and pretend this never happened.

Jonny

Good idea.

Martin

Yes, good idea. Actually, better make it half an hour.

If Martin and Jackie had never had sex all those years ago, Adam and Jonny would never have been "produced"; a simple biological fact. But still deeply disturbing.

Martin

You know, if your mother and I had never met all those years ago, you two would never have been produced.

Adam

"Produced."

Martin

Those two acts of penetration...

Jackie

Martin! Penetration?

Jonny

Okay, we're just going to be sick on the floor.

Adam

And the walls.

Martin

Don't be ridiculous. It's just biology.

Jackie

Lovely way of putting it.

Jonny has got a tattoo on his right bicep. It's a skull with the words Vive celer, adulescens morere beneath it. For the record, that's Latin for Live fast, die young, and not, as he claims, Family comes first.

Jackie

Why did you go and get a tattoo?

Jonny

I just felt like it.

Jackie

You felt like it?

Jonny

Everyone does it.

Adam

Yeah, Grandma's got an eagle on her tits.

Jackie

Adam!

Martin

Or a bear? An angry bear?

Jonny

What?

Martin

Your tattoo. It could be of an angry bear. I knew a bloke, he had one of an angry bear. He was an optician but he drowned.

Adam

You see what can happen when you get a tattoo?

Jonny

You are so dead.

Jackie

Well, show us then.

Jonny

God. All right.

Adam

I'm sure you'll really like it, Mum.

Jonny

There.

Jackie

Oh, my God. It's a skull. My son has a skull on his arm. A skull!

Martin

It looks a bit like you, Jackie!

Jackie

Thank you.

Martin

The hair.

Adam

That is pretty terrible.

Jonny

Shut up. It's art.

Adam

It's really not art.

Jackie

Why did you have to get this done on our anniversary?

Jonny

I didn't get it done on your anniversary. It doesn't say, "Happy anniversary, Mum and Dad" on it.

Jackie

Well, at least that would have been something nice.

Martin

What are those words?

Jonny

It's Latin. "Vive celer, adulescens morere."

Adam

I think I can translate. "I am a massive penis."

Jonny

Very good.

Jackie

Well, what does it mean?

Jonny

Um, it means... "Family comes first."

Adam

Bollocks.

Jackie

It does.

Jackie

Does it?

Jonny

Yes. 'Cause, you know, I love my family.

Jim is sleeptalking. And this would make a great message tone. Not sure who you'd use it for but that's not our job. We provide the tones, you provide the uses for them.

Jim

I'm completely made of bosoms!

Martin has bought a piano. It's old and it's desperately out of tune. And Martin can't play the piano. Or hear the piano. So, a great purchase all in all.

Adam

Why have we got a piano?

Jackie

Because Dad bought it.

Martin

I bought a piano.

Jonny

Um, why?

Martin

Why? So I can play it, you simpleton.

Jonny

But you can't play the piano.

Adam

Can't even hear the piano.

Martin

Pardon?

Jonny

Classic.

Martin

Isn't she gorgeous?

[ADAM plays a scale which sounds terribly out of tune]

Jonny

Gorgeous.

While the blind piano tuner sets to work, Martin takes his family out for dinner and, in an attempt to compliment his wife, establishes that if she were a hooker, she'd do a roaring trade. Ahem.

Martin

Come on, try to relax now, Jackie. It's your night off.

Jackie

Do you have to keep saying it's my night off? You make me sound like...

Jonny

A hooker?

Adam

Good one.

Jackie

Yes, thank you, a hooker.

Martin

Your mother's is not a hooker.

Jackie

That's good to know.

Martin

If she was, I'm sure she'd do a roaring trade, wouldn't you, my darling?

Jim is burned. His bath caught fire. Because it's made of... elm. His thighs are hot. He's offered Jackie a feel. Jackie politely declined. But he's open to other offers.

Jim

Would anyone else like to feel my hot thighs?

I don't want to think about an eighty-three-year-old man masturbating. Ever. Nobody does. Except someone who's in to eighty-three-year-old men masturbating, I guess.

Jackie

Oh, Mum, I wonder what Mister Morris is doing right now.

Jonny

Masturbating?

Nelly

What?

Jackie

I bet he's sitting there with a nice glass of sherry, just like you, thinking all about the big day.

Jonny

Whilst masturbating.

In the interests of calling off her nuptials to Mr. Morris, Nelly has feigned a heart-attack at the altar and is now on route to hospital surrounded by her family. It's time to come clean.

Nelly

Jackie. I need to talk to you.

Jackie

Of course, Mum. Anything.

Nelly

I'm not ill.

Jackie

No, of course you're not ill.

Nelly

No, I'm not ill.

Jackie

What?

Nelly

I'm pretending.

Jackie

Pretending?

Martin

No, she's confused.

Jackie

Wait, wait. What? Pretending?

Nelly

Yes.

Jackie

So, you're not dying?

Nelly

No.

Jackie

Not even a bit?

Nelly

No.

Jonny

You just pretended to have a heart attack?

Martin

At your own wedding?

Adam

In front of your entire family and friends?

Nelly

I couldn't think of what else to do.

Jackie

What else to do?

Nelly

There was no way I was going to spend the rest of my life with that jumped-up little arsehole.