29 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Friday Night Dinner (2011)

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One of the joys of parenting is sneezing over your offspring. At least, it is if you're Martin Goodman.

Martin

Hello, bambinos.

Jonny

Hi, Dad.

[MARTIN sneezes violently over JONNY]

Ah, God!

Adam

Nice one, Dad.

Martin

Oh, excuse me!

Jonny

That was gross!

Adam

That was incredible.

Martin

I've got a lousy cold.

Jonny

Well, thanks, and so have I now.

Martin

It's only a few germs.

Jonny

Yeah, a few hundred million germs.

Jackie

You all right?

Adam

Hi, Mum. Dad just sneezed on P*ssface.

Jackie

Martin, please can you stop sneezing on everyone?

Going through the Goodman family album, Jonny is reminded that Buggy was Adam's childhood cuddly. A stuffed rabbit that he may or may not have "done things to."

Jonny

Oh, my God! Look at little Pusface!

Jackie

I know! And look at Buggy.

Jonny

Urgh, disgusting Buggy.

Adam

Buggy was not disgusting.

Jackie

Ooh, you loved that rabbit.

Jonny

He used to do things to it.

Adam

Very good.

Martin

You used to kiss it all over his body before you went to bed. Remember?

Jonny

See?

Jonny has plans for Buggy. He's going to sh*t Buggy up. He's going to sh*t Buggy right up.

Jackie

Come on, then, din-dins.

Jonny

Okay, well, I'm going to find Buggy and I'm going to sh*t him up.

Adam

You are not going to sh*t Buggy up.

Jonny

I am going to sh*t Buggy up.

Jackie

Boys, enough now, all right? It's dinner time.

Martin

Yes, listen to your mother.

Jackie

Thank you.

Martin

You can sh*t Buggy up later.

Jim always says this when he sees Jackie. He always tells her that she looks nice. Jim is a freak but he's a polite freak.

Jim

Hello, Jackie. Oh, you look nice.

Martin really needs to cover his mouth and nose when he sneezes. Especially at the dinner table. Because sneezes... spread diseases.

[MARTIN sneezes all over the food]

Adam

Argh! Dad!

Jonny

Mind the chicken.

[MARTIN sneezes all over the food again]

Adam

Again? Jesus!

Jackie

Martin, will you please stop sneezing on everything?

Martin

Excuse me.

Adam

It's disgusting. Now we can't have any of the chicken...

Jackie

Oh, don't be so silly.

[MARTIN sneezes all over the food for a third time]

Adam

...or potatoes.

Jonny

Dad!

It's Martin's catchphrase, isolated to make a great message tone for someone you really don't want to hear from. You're welcome!

Martin

Sh*t on it!

Mr. Morris is an a**hole. He might well be an octogenarian but he's still a prize a**hole.

Nelly

You mustn't say anything, but... we're having an affair.

[MR. MORRIS is heard in an adjacent room on the phone]

Mr. Morris

Do you know what you are? You're a big bag of sh*t!

[MR. MORRIS comes back into the room holding the remains of his mobile phone]

Your bloody wall just broke my phone!

If Adam thinks this scenario could be played out as a porno, he has a seriously misguided definition of what constitutes a porno.

Jackie

I can't believe it. My seventy-eight-year-old mother having an affair with an eighty-two-year-old man.

Jonny

Behind the back of his ninety-three-year-old wife.

Adam

That could definitely be a porno.

Just why is Mister Morris buying a packet of condoms? And why would he describe those he is handed first as "too loose"? Do we really want to consider this for very long? No. Probably not.

Mr. Morris

Can I also get, um... a packet of those?

Cashier

These?

Mr. Morris

Let me have a look at them. No, I've used these before. They're too loose.

Adam

Too loose?

Jonny

Adam, why is Mister Morris buying condoms?

Adam

They're more "hygienical"?

Jonny

You do know he's going to use them on Grandma?

Adam

Well, technically, he's going use them on himself and then...

Jonny

Please don't finish that sentence.

Martin wants to clean out the water tank in the loft and he's enlisted the help of his eldest son, Adam. This means, of course, stripping down to his pants. In what world, I'm not sure.

Martin

Best not do it in all those clothes.

Adam

No, course not, I'll do it in my underpants.

Martin

Yes, that's what I normally do.

Jonny

Coming back up for this.

Adam

Sorry, you want me to get into the water tank in my underpants?

Martin

It's all right, I'll be in there too.

Adam

Me and you... in our pants?

Jonny

Mmm, father and son nudity.

Adam has some news. He's quite excited about it. Which is more than can be said for Adam, who quite frankly couldn't give a sh*t.

Adam

So, anyway, my news?

Jackie

Oh, yes, your news.

Adam

Yes, my news. Ha! Ahhh!

[Whistles]

So, you know how I'm the younger brother, but I'm the only one with a proper job?

Adam

For proper c*cks.

Jonny

It's called an estate agent.

Adam

C*ck agent.

Jackie

Boys!

Jonny

And you know I've only been there for, like, six months?

Adam

Making the tea, cleaning the toilet...

Jonny

Shut up.

Adam's company car is a little... gimmicky. It's a Vauxhall Astra with a mock-up of a house roof bolted to the top of it. Not cool. Not cool, at all!

Jonny

So, we're going to try out the new car later, yeah?

Adam

House.

Jonny

Family spin?

Jackie

Lovely, darling.

Jonny

I'll show you the new office, too.

Adam

Ooh, will we meet Liz? Sorry, your new girlfriend.

Adam

Mum, when are Adam's balls going to drop?

Adam

Very good.

When Adam's boss / girlfriend calls, Adam can't resist answering and pretending to be his brother. He puts the call on speaker. And immediately regrets it.

[JONNY'S mobile phone begins to ring]

Adam

It's Jonny's.

Jackie

Just leave it. Jonny!

Adam

It's Liz!

Jackie

Just put it down.

Adam

Er, I don't quite think so. Hello?

Jackie

Adam, it's his boss!

Adam

Hi, Liz. It's me, it's... it's Jonny. I've got a... I've got a bit of a cold. She believes me!

Jackie

Stop it!

Martin

Who is it?

Liz

And how's the new car?

Adam

Er, fine, fine.

Jackie

Seriously, Adam!

Liz

Well, aren't you going to say something nice, then?

Adam

Er, you're a great boss.

Liz

Why don't you ask me what I'm wearing?

Adam

Really? What are you wearing?

Liz

Just my lacy thong.

Adam

Okay.

Martin

Who's he talking to?

Jackie

Stop it!

Liz

Tell me to take it off.

Adam

Er...

Liz

Come on!

Adam

Take off... your lacy thong.

Liz

Okay, then. I'm taking it off right n...

[A phone is heard ringing]

Sh*t! Gotta get that. See you later, Sexy Bum.

Jim has unwittingly assisted a burglar to gain access to the Goodman residence. He's being questioned by the police about what the criminal looked like.

Jim

Um, he said he was a cousin, he's on a visit and lost his keys and the window was open, so I gave him a leg up.

Jackie

So you helped a man break into our house?

Jim

Hmm?

Police Officer

Um, so what else can you remember about him?

Jim

He wa... he was a man.

Police Officer

Right.

Jim

Yes, very manly.

Police Officer

Any other features apart from his general manliness?

Jim

Ooh, he probably had a winkie.

Adam's boss / girlfriend has been given the nickname Crazytits by Adam. And Nelly. In fact, by everyone other than Jonny.

[JONNY receives a text message]

Adam

Crazytits?

Jonny

Do you have to call her that?

Adam

Er yes.

Jonny

It's Liz, actually.

Adam

Yeah, Crazytits Liz.

Jonny

Stop texting me!

Adam

Have you worked out what you're going to do about her yet?

Jonny

No.

Adam

I've told you what you should do. Dump her...

Jonny

I can't just dump her.

Adam

... body in the Thames. Please open!

Jonny

I can't dump her, it's her birthday tomorrow.

Nelly

Whose birthday is it?

Adam

Jonny's incredibly old girlfriend, who's also his boss.

Nelly

Oh, Crazytits?

Adam

Excellent.

When it comes to romantic advice, there are people you want to listen to. And then there's your grandmother.

Nelly

So, that's what you should do. You should take your girlfriend out dancing.

Adam

Agreed.

Jonny

Okay, Grandma, I'll do that.

Nelly

And then you bring her back home and make passionate love to her all night.

The Goodmans' chicken dinner is burned. Martin is trying to remove the charred remains from the oven but it doesn't quite go to plan.

Martin

Sh*t on the bloody thing!

Jackie

Yes, sh*t on the bloody thing.

The downstairs bog is buggered. So is the boiler, the electrics...

Adam

What's wrong with the toilet now?

Martin

Well read the note, you cretin!

Adam

"Bog Buggered."

Martin

They've buggered everything these builders...the bog, the boiler, the electrics. I told Mum they'll probably start buggering each other soon.

Martin has rescued Jackie from the terror of an unwanted visitor. At least, that's what he's told her. The truth is, the mouse is still very much alive and well.

Jackie

Well?

Martin

I found it. It's gone.

Jackie

You found it?

Adam

Really?

Martin

Yes. Really.

Jackie

You really found it?

Martin

I really found it and then I really killed it.

Jonny

Aww! Poor mouse!

Jackie

Never mind poor mouse. Poor Mum! How'd you kill it?

Martin

What?

Jackie

How did you kill the mouse?

Martin

I strangled it.

Jackie

Martin!

Martin

Does it matter how I killed it? The bloody thing's dead.

Jackie

Well where is it then?

Martin

Look, if you don't believe me, I'll show it to you. Both pieces.

Jonny

Aaargh!

Jackie

No, that's okay. Aw, well done. My hero.

Martin

Erm, so does that mean you'll be making...

Jackie

Yes! Make all a lovely dinner.

Jackie

Oh, you've been so brave.

Adam

Did you really find the mouse?

Martin

No.

It's Jim. Again. Telling Jackie that she looks nice. Again.

Jim

Hello, Jackie. Ooh, you look nice.

Sh*t! Sh*t on it!

Martin

Sh*t! Sh*t on it!

Jim. "Nut Features" to his friends. And the Goodmans.

Martin

Has "Nut Features" gone yet?

Jackie

Not yet!

Jim

Not yet, Martin.

Martin

Sorry. I didn't see you there.

Jim is obsessed with Judaism. He knows a few key phrases. Well, he knows ONE key phrase to be exact. Shalom!

Jim

Shalom! Shalom!

Jewish families don't tend to get circumcised "as a set" It's not about bulk discounts. And it's not a subject to raise at the dinner table, either.

Jim

Martin, are you circumcised?

Martin

What?

Jim

Are you circumcised?

Martin

Well, don't ask me. Ask my wife.

Jim

Is Martin circumcised?

Jackie

Yes, Jim. He is.

Jim

And the brothers, did you have them done?

Jackie

Yes, they're also...

Adam

Thank you.

Jonny

Yes, thanks Mum.

Jim

I see. As a set?

Cynthia is better known as "Horrible Grandma" and she's earned that moniker for a reason. Because he's so bloody horrible.

Adam

So, who's coming today?

Jackie

You know who's coming. Grandma.

Adam

Cool.

Jackie

And horrible Grandma.

Adam

Oh, horrible Grandma?! I thought she was ill.

Jackie

Mmm. She got better.

Martin

Who's better?

Jackie

Your mother.

Martin

Yeah, I know. Horrible Grandma.

Jonny

Horrible Grandma's coming?

Jackie

Yes.

Jonny

Oh. When will she die?

Jackie

Jonny! That's a terrible thing to say.

Adam

Is it?

Jackie

No, not really. Martin, when will your mother die?

Martin

In about an hour, hopefully.

Christmas is definitely a Christian tradition so it's understandable that Adam is confused. Why would the Goodman family celebrate Christmas when they're Jewish? Because. That's why.

Adam

Don't you think it's a bit weird we do all this Christmassy stuff?

Jackie

No. Why's it weird?

Adam

Er, maybe because we're Jewish.

Jackie

Don't be silly. It's a tradition.

Adam

A Christian tradition.

Jackie

It's not a Christian tradition, it's a tradition-tradition.

Adam

A tradition-tradition that celebrates the birth of Christ.

Jackie

No, it doesn't.

Adam

Er, it does.

Jackie

Well, yes, okay, it does, but Christmas is just, you know, fun.

Adam

Fun?

Jackie

Yeah, family.

Adam

Fun or family? They're quite different.

Jackie

Oh, just put the crackers out.

Adam

The Jewish crackers or the Christian crackers?

Jackie

Shut up!

It's like I was always told when I was a child and saw two dogs humping. The one at the back is pushing the one at the front to the hospital. Believed that for years.

Nelly

What's that noise?

Cynthia

Is that Boadicea?

Jonny

No, it's just Wilson.

Cynthia

Wilson?

Jonny

Oh, yeah, there's Boadicea.

Cynthia

Well, is she all right?

Jonny

Yeah. Don't worry. Wilson's looking after her... from behind.

Jim has been left to apologise for Wilson's shameful behaviour. He didn't know he had it in him. Boadicea, on the other hand...

Jim

I really am so sorry, Jackie.

Cynthia

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Jackie

Yes, well...

Jim

I didn't know Wilson had it in him.

Adam

Boadicea did.

Boadicea is an elderly dog. She survives thanks to doggy diapers and an oxygen cylinder and then only barely.

Adam

Grandma?

Cynthia

Yes.

Adam

Your dog's died again.