15 MP3 Audio clips from Plunkett & Macleane (1999)

PLAY ALL 15 CLIPS

Clip 1

Captain James Macleane has been sentenced to imprisonment at Knightsbridge for drunkenness, unruly behaviour, affray and disturbing the King's peace. Off to Knightsbridge he goes...

Judge

Captain James Macleane, for drunkenness, unruly behaviour, causing an affray, and disturbing the King's peace, I hereby sentence you to be placed in the Knightsbridge debtors' jail and to be held there until you are sober. Take him away.

Clip 2

It's fair to say that Plunkett and Macleane's first meeting wasn't exactly amicable. In fact, Plunkett was quite keen on re-arranging Macleane's features.

Plunkett

Not so fast, vicar's boy.

[PLUNKETT chases MACLEANE down and prepares to attack him]

Macleane

Not my face, not my face!

Clip 3

Surrender is for wa*kers. Apparently. So quite why Macleane decided to do so in the knowledge of what that would make him is anybody's guess.

Macleane

We've got... we've got... we've gotta surrender. They're gonna shoot us.

Plunkett

Surrender's for wa*kers.

Macleane

WE SURRENDER!

Clip 4

While Macleane is "servicing" the gaoler's daughter, the other prisoners are taking bets on who will come first. I mean... who does that?!

Sir Oswald

I'll wager ten guineas that Macleane whips his cream before the strumpet.

Viscount Bilston

Twenty says the whore squeals first.

Rich Prisoner

Thirty guineas says they arrive together. Care to express an opinion?

Plunkett

Yes, you've more money than brains.

Clip 5

Plunkett has a proposition for Macleane but Macleane isn't too keen on the suggested venture. Wonder if you can sense his trepidation?

Plunkett

See, what I'm saying is that we could prosper together. You and me, eh?

Macleane

Look, I'm not altogether sure what you're suggesting, but, you see, I'm a gentleman and, well, no offense intended, but would you mind awfully fu*king off?

Clip 6

Lord Rochester. There aren't words to describe him. Well, actually... flamboyant is probably the most appropriate one. If you catch my drift.

Macleane

Rochester!

Lord Rochester

Well, hello! You're looking rather dashing. Last I heard...

Macleane

Yes?

Lord Rochester

You were in the vagrant cage. Again.

Macleane

Vicious rumour. I have rooms at the Athena.

Lord Rochester

Really?

Macleane

Hm.

Lord Rochester

I must come up and see you sometime.

Macleane

Still swinging both ways, Rochester?

Lord Rochester

Jamie, I swing every way!

Clip 7

I don't think Rochester is referring to the ancient and illegal sport of pitting two c*ckerels against each other for the purposes of betting. I think he's thinking more of... well, you figure it out.

Lord Rochester

Well, hello! And who is this delightful piece of rough?

Macleane

My man.

Lord Rochester

Really? Don't you just love a juicy c*ckfight? Hm?

[A man shoulder barges past ROCHESTER]

Oh, please.

Clip 8

There are levels of wealth. Rich, very rich, stinking rich, obscenely rich and fu*king rich.

Macleane

So, who else does fortune favour this evening? Apart from yourself, that is.

Lord Rochester

The Lord Chief Justice Gibson. It's my impression that his opponents always let him win.

Macleane

I wonder why. Is he filthy rich or stinking rich?

Lord Rochester

Mm. Fu*king rich.

Clip 9

Growing up, I was always told that posh girls were more dirty. And Lady Rebecca Gibson is an example my friends could happily have quoted. Dirty girl!

Lady Rebecca Gibson

You are not a gentleman.

Macleane

I'm sorry?

Lady Rebecca Gibson

No gentleman would stare at a lady like that in public.

Macleane

I do beg your pardon. Captain James Macleane at your service.

Lady Rebecca Gibson

Oh. So, you are a gentleman.

Macleane

Yes.

Lady Rebecca Gibson

What a shame.

Clip 10

Estelle D'Arcy. The richest woman in England and a certain target for Plunkett and Macleane's thieving enterprise. But Macleane might have to chat her up a little first.

Plunkett

Oi! Estelle D'Arcy's here, the richest woman in England.

Macleane

I know.

Plunkett

So what the fu*k you standing there for? Get on it. Find out where she keeps her stuff.

Macleane

I've just been dancing with Rebecca. The thought of getting on to Estelle D'Arcy is unthinkable.

Plunkett

Well, think of Rebecca and the money. She won't want a pauper. Show a bit of character!

Macleane

All right!

Clip 11

So, Macleane's "schmoozing" of Estelle D'Arcy is going well. He's basically hanging out the back of her. But there's always time for romantic sentiment. Even in the midst of passion.

Macleane

Oh, my angel. My siren's song. You've... ambushed me in the forests of your hair. You've... drowned me in the pools of your eyes. You've shackled me to the...

Estelle D'Arcy

Oh, do shut up! And fu*k me!

Clip 12

Macleane has contracted Syphilis ("The Great Pox") from his dalliance with Estelle D'Arcy. Which means his "pecker" would have been covered in itchy, weeping sores. Yuck!

Macleane

What rhymes with Rebecca?

Plunkett

Pecker. How is the old, uh...

Macleane

Ah, much better, thank you.

Plunkett

Good.

Macleane

Yeah, you know, I think it's actually got bigger, if you can imagine such a thing.

Plunkett

I'd rather not. Right, let's get going.

Macleane

Yes!

Clip 13

Chance is a violent, psychopathic a**hole who has something of a crush on Lady Rebecca Gibson. Luckily, she knows the guy is a freak and is always quick to put him down.

Chance

Lady Rebecca, you look more radiant than ever, if I may say so.

Lady Rebecca Gibson

You are too kind.

Chance

I could be kinder.

Lady Rebecca Gibson

Mr. Chance, I do believe you have halitosis.

Clip 14

Plunkett has incurred the wrath of Chance by stepping in to protect a prostitute the man was attacking. And now it comes down to a duel. Pistols at dawn.

Chance

This... vermin threatened me with a knife.

Plunkett

Yeah? Next time it won't be a threat.

Chance

I demand satisfaction, sir. Tomorrow, at dawn.

Macleane

This man is my servant, etiquette forbids it.

Plunkett

Fu*k that!

Clip 15

Plunkett and Macleane have just robbed the French Ambassador. You see, we English have always hated the French. Not sure why. Tradition, I guess.

French Ambassador

I hope they hang you in Tyburn for your bad French.

Macleane

Merci, monsieur. I hope it rains every day of your fu*king visit.