7 MP3 Audio clips from Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985)

PLAY ALL 7 CLIPS

Clip 1

When someone calls you an "ass-kisser", it's not necessarily a compliment. In fact, it's highly unlikely to be a positive thing to be honest.

Chief Hurst

Lassard's got thirty days. If he should blow it, the job is yours.

Lieutenant Mauser

I... I fully understand, sir.

Chief Hurst

Mauser, you are the most incredible ass-kisser I have ever seen.

Lieutenant Mauser

Thank you very much, sir. I do my best.

Clip 2

When Pete Lassard said that he needed to get his hands on some healthy young men, he was talking about police recruits. Obviously.

Pete Lassard

Eric, I've... I've got a problem here.

Eric Lassard

Yeah, we all have our little problems.

Pete Lassard

Yeah, but this one is serious.

Eric Lassard

I hope you haven't got a girl into trouble.

Pete Lassard

No, no, no. I need to get my hands on some healthy young men.

Eric Lassard

I guess there are places you could go... certain bars and so on.

Pete Lassard

Eric, what are you talking about?

Clip 3

Saying that Proctor doesn't play with a full deck is an understatement. It's like saying the Titanic disaster was a boating accident.

Lieutenant Mauser

So these academy rats are gonna save the precinct, right?

Proctor

Hey, personally, lieutenant, I hope they fall flat on their asses.

Lieutenant Mauser

That could be arranged, you know.

Proctor

What do you mean?

Lieutenant Mauser

Well, if they fail, Lassard's out. That makes me the captain. If I'm captain, I'm gonna need a new watch commander.

Proctor

So?

Lieutenant Mauser

So we make sure they fail.

Proctor

Who?

Lieutenant Mauser

The new recruits.

Proctor

Why?

Lieutenant Mauser

If they fail, Lassard is out. I'm in. And I'm gonna need somebody to be the new watch commander.

Proctor

Oh.

Lieutenant Mauser

And you know who that's gonna be.

Proctor

Who?

Lieutenant Mauser

You, d*ckhead. You!

Proctor

Oh! Oh, good idea.

Lieutenant Mauser

You're not playing with a full deck, are you?

Proctor

Oh, I don't play cards.

Clip 4

Tackleberry is a virgin. Not that anyone knows. Well, they do now because he's just blurted out that particular fact in a busy and popular bar.

Eugene Tackleberry

I think I'm...

Carey Mahoney

You think what?

Eugene Tackleberry

Well, I... I might...

Carey Mahoney

Tack, what? Spell it out.

Eugene Tackleberry

Lincoln, Ocean, Victor, Edward.

Carey Mahoney

Love? Eugene, you're in love! You little devil! You're in love. That's great!

Eugene Tackleberry

Shhh. Let's keep this 10-35, okay?

Carey Mahoney

Oh. Of course, of course. Between you and me. You and Kirkland? So she have the hots for you too?

Eugene Tackleberry

I don't know. I'm inexperienced in matters of a romantic nature.

Carey Mahoney

Tack, you've been with women before.

Eugene Tackleberry

Well, I...

Carey Mahoney

Well, you've had one woman before.

Eugene Tackleberry

Well, not really.

Carey Mahoney

Come on, I've seen you walking in with girls.

Eugene Tackleberry

Well, to be precise...

Carey Mahoney

C'mon, you're twenty-eight years old. You're a man of the world. What d'ya...

Eugene Tackleberry

MAHONEY, I'M A VIRGIN!

[The bar falls silent]

You people go about your business, or I'll crack some heads!

Clip 5

The 1980s. It was a time when you could call gay guys "fruits" and everybody pretended that nobody was offended.

Lieutenant Mauser

Proctor!

Proctor

Oh, lieutenant, I was looking for you. I have the pictures of the, uh... fruits drunk at the bar, like you asked. The composition's a little off, but, sir, here you can clearly see those fruits are drunk.

Lieutenant Mauser

Who asked for fruits drunk at a bar? I asked for new recruits drunk at the bar.

Proctor

Recruits? Uh, lieutenant, I majored in art. I could put a uniform on this guy right here. It would look like Hightower.

Lieutenant Mauser

What are you, losing it? Just get me Mahoney.

Proctor

Should I save these?

Lieutenant Mauser

Get me Mahoney!

Clip 6

Mauser has had Vinnie and Carey on traffic duty in a tunnel. They're blackened and probably suffering from the effects of carbon monoxide poisoning. No time, therefore, to joke.

Vinnie Schtulman

Come on, Lou. Let's get something to eat.

Carey Mahoney

Anybody got any aspirin? I've got a headache that's not gonna quit.

Lieutenant Mauser

(Singing)
Oh, well, look at this, here. It's the Jones Boys. Holy mackerel there, Mahoney. What did you do, suck up a bus?

[LOU begins growling at MAUSER]

Lou, you don't like me, and I'm not crazy about you.

[LOU begins barking]

Clip 7

In revenge for being an a**hole, Mahoney has swapped Mauser's shampoo for a bottle of epoxy resin and, predictably, Mauser's hands are now stuck to his head.

Lieutenant Mauser

And they'll say "Captain Mauser" Yowza, yowza. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh... Hey. Hey. Hey! Wait a minute! My hands are stuck to my head! Hey, who's fooling around? What the fu*k?