10 MP3 Audio clips from Police Academy (1984)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Carey Mahoney is NOT the kind of guy you want to be calling a "d*ckhead". Not when you have a wig so bad it's surprising it doesn't have a chin-strap.

Carey Mahoney

Lot's full, mister.

Customer

Look, don't give me that crap. You've got a space.

Carey Mahoney

The lot's full, sir, really.

Customer

Find a spot, d*ckhead.

Carey Mahoney

Dickhead?

Customer

That's right. Where's the manager?

Carey Mahoney

Dickhead?

Customer

Park the car, butt breath.

Carey Mahoney

Butt breath?

Customer

Yeah.

Carey Mahoney

Wait a minute. Hold everything. That's a wig, isn't it?

Customer

Ahem. Park the car.

Carey Mahoney

Yeah, that's a wig. Wig! Wig! Dong-dong-dong! Wig alert!

Customer

Park the car, a**hole. Shut up.

Carey Mahoney

Wig alert! Dong-dong-dong! Girls!

Clip 2

Chief Hursnt doesn't have time for no-good, low-life rookies like Kyle Blankes.

Kyle Blankes

Cadet Kyle Blankes reporting for duty, sir.

Chief Hurnst

Get away from me, you a**hole.

Kyle Blankes

Yes sir!

Clip 3

When Chief Hurnst went through the Metropolitan Police Academy, there were penises as far as the eye could see. White penises. Apparently.

Chief Hurnst

When I went through this academy, every cadet was the right weight, the right height, the right colour, and they all had johnsons, Lassard. Every single one of them.

Commandant Lassard

Johnsons?

Chief Hurnst

You know...

Commandant Lassard

Oh, yes.

Chief Hurnst

Back in the old days, there were johnsons as far as the eye could see.

Commandant Lassard

And what a lovely sight it was.

Clip 4

Commandant Lassard. He's losing his marbles. In fact, he's lost his marbles. He is marble-less. And clueless.

Chief Hurnst

Have you seen what our new lady mayor has brought us? Do you know that she is attempting to dismantle one of this country's great institutions of law and order? What do you say to that, Lassard?

Commandant Lassard

The b**ch.

Clip 5

George Martin. He may sound Spanish but he's as American as apple pie. And he's also strangely obsessed with other people's favourite sexual positions.

George Martín

You're married, huh?

Doug Fackler

Yeah.

George Martín

That's beautiful, man. To me, marriage is a sacred institution. So tell me... you and the wife do it doggie-style or what?

Clip 6

Carey Mahoney has a thing for Karen Thompson. And who can blame him? She's played by Kim Cattrall!

Carey Mahoney

Hey, Thompson. Well? How do I look?

Karen Thompson

That wasn't very funny this morning.

Carey Mahoney

I wasn't trying to be funny. I'd give anything to see your thighs. Don't suppose you'd describe them for me?

Karen Thompson

Well, they're tan, of course. Very supple, well-rounded, and luxuriant to the touch.

Clip 7

Lieutenant Harris may be an a**hole, but he's no match for the wit and intelligence of his new nemesis, Carey Mahoney.

Lieutenant Harris

Mahoney! I've already told you once. Nobody... screws... with me.

Carey Mahoney

Well, maybe you'll meet the right girl and all that'll change.

Lieutenant Harris

Get out of here now!

[HARRIS negligently discharges his firearm in anger]

Clip 8

A police officer needs to portray authority. It's all in the voice. As Laverne Hooks is about to discover. Tackleberry has it in spades. As Lieutenant Harris is about to discover.

Lieutenant Harris

Hooks, get up. Stand right over here. Now, here is the house. Here is the window. And I am a burglar. I am coming out of the window with a stolen stereo in my hand. I'm coming out of the window, over the hedge and you are the arresting officer. What do you say, Hooks?

Laverne Hooks

Don't move! This is a stickup!

Lieutenant Harris

Stickup?

Laverne Hooks

I mean, police... police officer. Stop.

Lieutenant Harris

Sit down, Hooks. Sit, sit, sit! Tackleberry, you try it. Same situation. All right. Here is the house. Here is the window. I'm the burglar. I'm coming out of the house, over the hedge. I've got the stolen stereo in my hands.

Tackleberry

Drop that stereo before I blow your goddamn nuts off, a**hole!

Lieutenant Harris

Tackleberry, we really need to talk.

Clip 9

Giving a speech whilst being unexpectedly fellated by a prostitute hidden beneath the lectern is hard. No pun intended.

Commandant Lassard

First of all, I'd like to say how sorry I am that everybody could not make it today. For those here, I think you'll find the presentation interesting as well as very, very stimulating.

[We hear LASSARD'S zipper being opened by the hooker hidden beneath the lectern]

Could we have the lights turned down? Now, this first sliiiide shows a very, very interesting thing. Our main building. In slide two we see another view of it. Oh, my God. You wouldn't believe it. Let us look at this slide for a moment, without comment. I think it speaks for itself.

[Having "finished", the hooker pulls LASSARD'S zipper back up]

Could we have the lights, please? Well. I hope this was as much fun for you as it was for me. Let's have lunch, shall we? And maybe, smoke a cigarette.

Clip 10

A riot downtown means that Tackleberry, still in training, is about to perform his first public duty. And he's happier than a dog with two d*cks.

Tackleberry

This is it. This is the big one. It's time this cop... met the public.