15 MP3 Audio clips from National Lampoon's Senior Trip (1995)

PLAY ALL 15 CLIPS

Clip 1

If ever there was evidence of acid causing brain-damage, Reggie is that proof. He can't even string a sentence together, for fu*k's sake!

Reggie Barry

People... um, say... that acid causes... um, brain-damage. But, um... what did you say?

Clip 2

Just what was Steve Nisser thinking? And just what were High on Life thinking? This is not the sort of crowd that would appreciate their brand of wholesome music.

Steve Nisser

As Student Body President, I am proud to bring you this special assembly.

Male Student

Fu*k you, Nisser!

Steve Nisser

So, without any further ado, I give to you, direct from Salt Lake City, the music of "High on Life!"

[He applauds and is joined by a couple of people in the auditorium]

Singer

Hey there, Fairmount High. We're High on Life. Sponsored by the wonderful people at Bounty Burger.

Male Student

Get off, you freak!

Singer

Now, I know your teen years can be hard...

Male Student

Show us your tits!

Clip 3

Mr. Bloom's keyboarding class consists of him calling out letters and the students typing them. All well and good until the old man suffers a heart attack and dies in the middle of his class.

Mr. Bloom

Q... aaaaargh...

Virus

Aaaaargh.

Mr. Bloom

Maaaargh...

Virus

Maaaargh.

Mr. Bloom

Aaaaargh...

Virus

Aaaaargh.

Clip 4

Is nothing sacred? Whilst Principal Moss is at school, some of the students are holding a secret party at his home. And the place is getting torn apart.

[PRINCIPAL MOSS is snoring in his office chair when he is awoken by a knock on the door]

Principal Moss

What is it, Steve?

Steve Nisser

Sir, I thought you might want to take a look at this.

Mrs. Winston

Come in!

Steve Nisser

I found it on the floor of my science class.

[STEVE hands PRINCIPAL MOSS a piece of paper which he proceeds to read aloud]

Principal Moss

Dags and Reggie invite you to total destruction. Twelve o'clock, two three seven Stratford Road.

Mrs. Winston

That's your house, sir.

Clip 5

Tracy Milford has been drafted in to teach the late Mr. Bloom's typing class. Principal Moss has collected her from the train station, and he's missed Senator Lerman's arrival.

Tracy Milford

I appreciate you picking me up at the train station, Principal Moss. I'm very excited about getting the opportunity to teach. I really think I can make a difference.

Principal Moss

It's just a typing class, Miss Milford. Stick to Mr. Bloom's curriculum and you'll be fine.

[Approaching FAIRMOUNT HIGH, PRINCIPAL MOSS spots police outside the school]

What the fu*k?!

Clip 6

Just what did Principal Moss expect Steve Nisser to think when he asked him for a "special favour" which would be their "little secret"?

Principal Moss

I need a... special... favour from you, Steve. Something that'll be... our little secret. You up to it?

[Mis-reading the situation, STEVE drops to his knees in front of PRINCIPAL MOSS]

What are you doing?

Steve Nisser

But I thought you w...

Principal Moss

I don't want that, you idiot.

Steve Nisser

Sorry, sir.

Clip 7

Principal Moss, better known to Red as "Principal Dickhead." He's too school for cool.

Tracy Milford

Hi. Tracy Milford. Teacher and chaperone.

Red

Well, welcome aboard. Just... grab a seat.

Tracy Milford

Thank you.

[PRINCIPAL MOSS boards next]

Red

Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on. Where do you think you're going?

Principal Moss

Getting on the bus.

Red

You're on the wrong bus, dude. This is the magic bus.

Principal Moss

I'm counting on you to stick to the schedule. It's precisely eight oh six. Let's get going.

Red

Principal Dickhead!

Clip 8

We all remember the "pop quiz" scene from Speed, right? Well, this is Reggie's version.

Reggie Barry

Pop quiz, hotshot. You have ten underage students craving alcoholic beverages in a store containing your high school principal. What do you do? What do you do?

Mark 'Dags' D'Agastino

Take out the principal.

Clip 9

Insisting that Red keeps to the schedule is risky when you're the the one who's late back to the bus.

[Late for the bus's departure owing to an unfortunate accident in the bathroom, PRINCIPAL MOSS is trying to board]

Principal Moss

Open the door.

Red

I'm sorry, man. We've got a schedule to keep.

Principal Moss

Open the door!

Red

What's the magic word?

Principal Moss

Open the door!

Red

What's the magic word?

Principal Moss

PLEASE!

[RED stops the bus and opens the door]

Red

The magic word's Rock 'n Roll, man. What happened to you? Did you p*ss all over yourself?

Clip 10

When you're the principal of a high school, you'll find sympathy right between "sh*t" and "syphilis" in the dictionary.

Tracy Milford

Students! Students! Could you please keep the noise down to a hush? Principal Moss is feeling very ill.

Students

PUKE! PUKE! PUKE! PUKE! PUKE!

Clip 11

Virus doesn't handle his alcohol at all well. If proof were needed, we present him vomiting on to his own shoes.

Virus

♪
Twenty-two bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-two bottles of beer. You take one down...

[Vomits violently all over his own shoes]

This is the greatest! Right, Herbert?

Clip 12

Giving teenagers freedom of speech is not necessarily a good idea. But it is a good career move for Senator Lerman.

Senator Lerman

So... tell me. Have you kids given any thought to what you might say to the committee about education reform?

Mark 'Dags' D'Agastino

Yep. We're gonna tell 'em that the education system sucks.

Reggie Barry

Sucks d*ck!

Principal Moss

That's... not what they mean, sir.

Senator Lerman

Why not?

Principal Moss

Well...

Senator Lerman

I think it's great.

Principal Moss

I do, too.

Senator Lerman

Now, remember... the President invited you kids down to Washington because he wants you to tell the nation how you really feel about school. So, if you think the education system... sucks d*ck, then by golly, you tell them. Can I have your promise on that?

Reggie Barry

I promise.

Senator Lerman

Excellent. Excellent.

Clip 13

Can a man not get a moment's peace? A few minutes in which to enjoy a porno in a hotel room without someone knocking on the door? Apparently not.

[Whilst watching a porno ("Forrest Humps") in his hotel room, PRINCIPAL MOSS is interrupted by a knock on the door]

Principal Moss

Come in!

Tracy Milford

I checked all the rooms. Everyone's present and accounted for.

Principa Moss

Very good. Thank you, Miss Milford.

Tracy Milford

[Noticing Lassie Come Home playing on the TV]

Oh my gosh. Lassie? I love Lassie. Lassieeeeee... Lassieeeeee. Do you mind if I watch? All I get is pornos on my TV.

Principal Moss

Uh... okay.

Clip 14

The easiest way to derail the school nerd is to show him your breasts. If you're a girl, that is. Doesn't work so well if you're a boy!

Carla Morgan

Hey, Virus.

[She rips open her top to reveal her breasts, barely contained in a bra]

Bet you never made moves like this in your Chess Club. Wanna screw?

[VIRUS ejaculates in his pants]

Virus

Excuse me...

Carla Morgan

Yeah. It was great for me, too.

Clip 15

Having consumed chocolates laced with tequila, Miss Milford has spent the night boinking Principal Moss's brains out.

Senator Lerman

MOSS! OPEN THE DOOR, MOSS!

Principal Moss

Just a second, sir.

[SENATOR LERMAN barges in, catching PRINCIPAL MOSS and MISS MILFORD in a state of undress]

We're gonna be late. It's... We're due at the Capital and you're porking the math teacher?

Tracy Milford

Keyboarding teacher.

Senator Lerman

Whatever. Don't just stand there. Get your clothes on. Let's get going. I'll wait outside.

Principal Moss

Yes, sir.