15 MP3 Audio clips from National Lampoon's Senior Trip (1995)
Senator John Lerman has a plan to derail the President's new education reform bill. He's invited a group of unruly students from Fairmount High to Washington to tell the nation what they think of school. Principal Todd Moss is accompanying them across the country in a school bus driven by "Red", a total doper.
Senator John Lerman has a plan to derail the President's new education reform bill. He's invited a group of unruly students from Fairmount High to Washington to tell the nation what they think of school. Principal Todd Moss is accompanying them across the country in a school bus driven by "Red", a total doper.
If ever there was evidence of acid causing brain-damage, Reggie is that proof. He can't even string a sentence together, for fu*k's sake!
Reggie Barry
People... um, say... that acid causes... um, brain-damage. But, um... what did you say?
Clip 2
Just what was Steve Nisser thinking? And just what were High on Life thinking? This is not the sort of crowd that would appreciate their brand of wholesome music.
Steve Nisser
As Student Body President, I am proud to bring you this special assembly.
Male Student
Fu*k you, Nisser!
Steve Nisser
So, without any further ado, I give to you, direct from Salt Lake City, the music of "High on Life!"
[He applauds and is joined by a couple of people in the auditorium]
Singer
Hey there, Fairmount High. We're High on Life. Sponsored by the wonderful people at Bounty Burger.
Male Student
Get off, you freak!
Singer
Now, I know your teen years can be hard...
Male Student
Show us your tits!
Clip 3
Mr. Bloom's keyboarding class consists of him calling out letters and the students typing them. All well and good until the old man suffers a heart attack and dies in the middle of his class.
Mr. Bloom
Q... aaaaargh...
Virus
Aaaaargh.
Mr. Bloom
Maaaargh...
Virus
Maaaargh.
Mr. Bloom
Aaaaargh...
Virus
Aaaaargh.
Clip 4
Is nothing sacred? Whilst Principal Moss is at school, some of the students are holding a secret party at his home. And the place is getting torn apart.
[PRINCIPAL MOSS is snoring in his office chair when he is awoken by a knock on the door]
Principal Moss
What is it, Steve?
Steve Nisser
Sir, I thought you might want to take a look at this.
Mrs. Winston
Come in!
Steve Nisser
I found it on the floor of my science class.
[STEVE hands PRINCIPAL MOSS a piece of paper which he proceeds to read aloud]
Principal Moss
Dags and Reggie invite you to total destruction. Twelve o'clock, two three seven Stratford Road.
Mrs. Winston
That's your house, sir.
Clip 5
Tracy Milford has been drafted in to teach the late Mr. Bloom's typing class. Principal Moss has collected her from the train station, and he's missed Senator Lerman's arrival.
Tracy Milford
I appreciate you picking me up at the train station, Principal Moss. I'm very excited about getting the opportunity to teach. I really think I can make a difference.
Principal Moss
It's just a typing class, Miss Milford. Stick to Mr. Bloom's curriculum and you'll be fine.
[Approaching FAIRMOUNT HIGH, PRINCIPAL MOSS spots police outside the school]
What the fu*k?!
Clip 6
Just what did Principal Moss expect Steve Nisser to think when he asked him for a "special favour" which would be their "little secret"?
Principal Moss
I need a... special... favour from you, Steve. Something that'll be... our little secret. You up to it?
[Mis-reading the situation, STEVE drops to his knees in front of PRINCIPAL MOSS]
What are you doing?
Steve Nisser
But I thought you w...
Principal Moss
I don't want that, you idiot.
Steve Nisser
Sorry, sir.
Clip 7
Principal Moss, better known to Red as "Principal Dickhead." He's too school for cool.
Tracy Milford
Hi. Tracy Milford. Teacher and chaperone.
Red
Well, welcome aboard. Just... grab a seat.
Tracy Milford
Thank you.
[PRINCIPAL MOSS boards next]
Red
Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on. Where do you think you're going?
Principal Moss
Getting on the bus.
Red
You're on the wrong bus, dude. This is the magic bus.
Principal Moss
I'm counting on you to stick to the schedule. It's precisely eight oh six. Let's get going.
Red
Principal Dickhead!
Clip 8
We all remember the "pop quiz" scene from Speed, right? Well, this is Reggie's version.
Reggie Barry
Pop quiz, hotshot. You have ten underage students craving alcoholic beverages in a store containing your high school principal. What do you do? What do you do?
Mark 'Dags' D'Agastino
Take out the principal.
Clip 9
Insisting that Red keeps to the schedule is risky when you're the the one who's late back to the bus.
[Late for the bus's departure owing to an unfortunate accident in the bathroom, PRINCIPAL MOSS is trying to board]
Principal Moss
Open the door.
Red
I'm sorry, man. We've got a schedule to keep.
Principal Moss
Open the door!
Red
What's the magic word?
Principal Moss
Open the door!
Red
What's the magic word?
Principal Moss
PLEASE!
[RED stops the bus and opens the door]
Red
The magic word's Rock 'n Roll, man. What happened to you? Did you p*ss all over yourself?
Clip 10
When you're the principal of a high school, you'll find sympathy right between "sh*t" and "syphilis" in the dictionary.
Tracy Milford
Students! Students! Could you please keep the noise down to a hush? Principal Moss is feeling very ill.
Students
PUKE! PUKE! PUKE! PUKE! PUKE!
Clip 11
Virus doesn't handle his alcohol at all well. If proof were needed, we present him vomiting on to his own shoes.
Virus
♪ Twenty-two bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-two bottles of beer. You take one down...
[Vomits violently all over his own shoes]
This is the greatest! Right, Herbert?
Clip 12
Giving teenagers freedom of speech is not necessarily a good idea. But it is a good career move for Senator Lerman.
Senator Lerman
So... tell me. Have you kids given any thought to what you might say to the committee about education reform?
Mark 'Dags' D'Agastino
Yep. We're gonna tell 'em that the education system sucks.
Reggie Barry
Sucks d*ck!
Principal Moss
That's... not what they mean, sir.
Senator Lerman
Why not?
Principal Moss
Well...
Senator Lerman
I think it's great.
Principal Moss
I do, too.
Senator Lerman
Now, remember... the President invited you kids down to Washington because he wants you to tell the nation how you really feel about school. So, if you think the education system... sucks d*ck, then by golly, you tell them. Can I have your promise on that?
Reggie Barry
I promise.
Senator Lerman
Excellent. Excellent.
Clip 13
Can a man not get a moment's peace? A few minutes in which to enjoy a porno in a hotel room without someone knocking on the door? Apparently not.
[Whilst watching a porno ("Forrest Humps") in his hotel room, PRINCIPAL MOSS is interrupted by a knock on the door]
Principal Moss
Come in!
Tracy Milford
I checked all the rooms. Everyone's present and accounted for.
Principa Moss
Very good. Thank you, Miss Milford.
Tracy Milford
[Noticing Lassie Come Home playing on the TV]
Oh my gosh. Lassie? I love Lassie. Lassieeeeee... Lassieeeeee. Do you mind if I watch? All I get is pornos on my TV.
Principal Moss
Uh... okay.
Clip 14
The easiest way to derail the school nerd is to show him your breasts. If you're a girl, that is. Doesn't work so well if you're a boy!
Carla Morgan
Hey, Virus.
[She rips open her top to reveal her breasts, barely contained in a bra]
Bet you never made moves like this in your Chess Club. Wanna screw?
[VIRUS ejaculates in his pants]
Virus
Excuse me...
Carla Morgan
Yeah. It was great for me, too.
Clip 15
Having consumed chocolates laced with tequila, Miss Milford has spent the night boinking Principal Moss's brains out.
Senator Lerman
MOSS! OPEN THE DOOR, MOSS!
Principal Moss
Just a second, sir.
[SENATOR LERMAN barges in, catching PRINCIPAL MOSS and MISS MILFORD in a state of undress]
We're gonna be late. It's... We're due at the Capital and you're porking the math teacher?
Tracy Milford
Keyboarding teacher.
Senator Lerman
Whatever. Don't just stand there. Get your clothes on. Let's get going. I'll wait outside.