4 MP3 Audio clips from Season 8 of Hale & Pace (1986)

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Remember in the days before Rolf Harris became a convicted paedophile? Back when he was presenting Animal Hospital? This hasn't aged brilliantly but it's still kind of funny.

Rolf Harris

I've got a bit of bad news today for Mrs. Harley. Her pet poodle Wesley had to be put to sleep. So, I'll try to break it to her as gently as possible.
♪
Had to put your dog down, Sport,
had to put your dog down.
Had to put your dog down, Sport,
had to put your dog down.
All together now!

I think it would cost more than two-thousand pounds for a nose job nowadays. And definitely more than ten pounds for a hand job. Probably. I've been told. Ahem.

Man

You see, Harley Street, it would cost you two-thousand pounds for a nose job. But in Soho, it'll only cost you a tenner for a hand job.

Jeremy Clarkson. In the days before he was fired for punching a Production Assistant in the face for no fu*king reason at all, he reviewed cars on Top Gear.

Jeremy Clarkson

This car is typical of the modern-day middle-manager. It's got gadgets galore. It's the businessman's car that really does the business. So, who drives a car like this? Well, he's responsive, he's sensitive, his name is Tony "Knows Where the Clitoris is" Webster. And my wife has left me to run off with him.

[Smashes the headlights and windscreen of the car with a hammer]

TWENTY YEARS!

Penelope the Pitbull is in trouble for biting the postman. Can Bertie "The Legal Eagle" Beagle get her off? If you'll pardon the expression. Fnar, fnar!

Johnny

Hello, Billy.

Billy

Hello, Johnny.

Billy / Johnny

Hello, everyone!

Johnny

Today, Penelope Pitbull is sad. Aren't you, Penelope?

Billy

She's very, very sad because she's got to go to court.

Johnny

She bit the postman.

Penelope

[Growls]

Billy

Stop it!

Johnny

I wonder... can you guess where she bit him?

Billy

We know a song that might give you a clue.

Billy / Johnny

♪
Postman Pat, Postman Pat,
Postman Pat... now he sings like that!

Billy

That's a shame. But now we've had to break open our piggybank so that we can get the best legal advice for Penny that money can buy.

Johnny

I wonder... can you guess who this is?

Billy

That's right. It's our legal eagle. Bertie the Smoking Beagle.

Bertie

Objection overruled.

[Noticing PENELOPE]

Hel-lo!

Johnny

Bertie smokes a lot of ciggies, don't you, Bertie?

Bertie

Started as a puppy. Can't give the beggars up.

[Coughs and then begins to flirt with Penelope]

I say!

Johnny

Bertie's going to do his very best to get Penelope off, aren't you, Bertie?

Bertie

Given half a chance. What a corker. 'Kin hell!

Billy

This legal eagle Beagle is a bit of a dirty, flirty Bertie.

Johnny

I wonder if Bertie's flirting makes Penelope happy?

[PENELOPE head-butts BERTIE]

Bertie

Oof! Foreplay... rather!

Johnny

We've got to go to court now. What do you think Penelope's chances are, Bertie?

Bertie

On the one hand, they could be good.

Billy / Johnny

Hurray!

Bertie

But on the other hand, they could be bad.

Billy / Johnny

Booo!

Bertie

She might get orf scott-free.

Billy / Johnny

Hurray!

Bertie

Or, if I'm very good, she might go down!

[PENELOPE attacks BERTIE]

That's one hell of a love bite!