6 MP3 Audio clips from Season 7 of Hale & Pace (1986)

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Sister Wendy is a nun. A nun who likes art. Especially when the art contains bare bottoms, penises or any sexual connotations whatsoever. Because Sister Wendy is a randy old nun!

Sister Wendy

Hello. This painting is by Rubens. Hasn't this woman got an extraordinarily fat ass? It's almost as if... if you could slap it, it would wobble like a jelly on a plate for about five minutes. And that's what I think of this painting.

Remember those good old-fashioned adverts for the Yellow Pages? You know... in the days before the internet. Yes. Well, this is a spin on one of the classics.

Man

I don't suppose you sell eight millimetre Cineprojectors, do you?

Store Assistant

I shouldn't think so. What's it for?

Man

[Holding up a tin containing 8mm film]

This.

Store Assistant

What a funny-looking video.

Man

[Having scanned through the Yellow Pages, he's now on the phone]

Hello, Harpers? Um, can you transfer some old eight millimetre Cinefilm to video? You can?

[Cut to INT: Lounge. MAN sits beside his MOTHER on the sofa]

Here you are, Mum.

Mother

What have we here? Naughty videos?

Man

Yes.

Mother

Aye. He was hung like a stallion, your dad.

Sister Wendy's back again. And this time she's spent far too long studying this painting for evidence of a horse's penis.

Sister Wendy

This painting is by Stubbs. This extraordinary horse must be a woman. Because, I've used a magnifying glass and I can't find a penis anywhere. That's what I think of this painting.

Steve the London cabbie has to give his son (Steve Junior) the infamous "Birds & Bees" talk. Not that I've ever understood where the birds and bees come in to it, to be honest.

Steve

Steve Junior. Right, um... man to man. Er, heart to heart. Birds and bees. Facts of. Right, uh... geezer's got a wotsisname, and the missus has got a wotsername. Wotsisname, wotsername. Wotsername, wotsername, wotsername, wotsername. A large portion, yes! End of.

Yes, it's Sister Wendy again. This time she's turning her critical eye to the Mona Lisa and providing one theory as to the reason behind her famous smile.

Sister Wendy

This is the Mona Lisa by Da Vinci. There are many theories surrounding her extraordinarily enigmatic smile. Some people say that her smiling countenance is such because she actually made love just before the portrait was painted. Lucky b**ch!

Oh, good God. Now Sister Wendy is criticising the size of penises on statues. The woman is a dirt-bag!

Sister Wendy

Look at the penis on this statue. Isn't it extraordinarily small? Now, I am a nun. But even I've seen a bigger one of this... on a new-born baby. That's what I think of this statue.