Hale & Pace | Season 6
© 1986 London Weekend Television
Hale & Pace was the comedy sketch show of Gareth Hale & Norman Pace which first hit UK screens in 1986 and went on for 12 years. During its run, it spawned a number of popular and oft-quoted characters and provided some equally memorable spoof musical numbers. It got funnier as time went on which is why we start slowly and build up!
UPDATED: | CLIPS: 58
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
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Kids. They're nothing if not completely honest, even when it comes to admitting that they may be intellectually deficient!
Sir, I've got a problem.
What is it?
I'm as thick as pig sh*t.
These nuns are about to take their final vows of chastity. But before they do, they need to have a few things clarified.
Good morning, sisters.
Good morning, Mother Superior.
You are all novices. Which means you have no vices. But before you take your final vows of chastity, we feel there's something you ought to know. Sister?
[A piano starts to play]
What's an eraser?
...are thieves on the whole.
What's on a cello?
Is used for burning coal.
Correct! Another name for Frances...
... Wakes me up in the morn.
What stops water over-flowing?
And a bugler?
A man with a horn.
DNA is the leading tool in investigating serious crime. But that's not what this detective was interested in on this particular day. Oh no.
I've, uh... examined the fibres from the trousers you brought in yesterday, Sergeant and you're perfectly right. They are semen stains.
Yeah, I know that. But can you get them out before my wife comes home?
We've all seen documentaries like this. Time Team, History Detectives... but what if this is what they were actually investigating?
Over here was the, uh... kitchen area. Just... here was the living quarters. And here, originally, was the entrance hall. That's the last time I'm renting a house of mine to bloody students.
Hmm. Deliberate, pre-meditated murder or an accident? Perhaps an entire sequence of bizarre events?
Twenty years ago, Phillip Smith's wife was stabbed thirty-eight times, put in an acid bath, dropped off a motorway flyover and run over by a steam roller. Was it murder or was it an accident?
Dirty goddam public school perverts.
Yes, I remember when I was at school, you'd get a damned good thrashing for... for nothing. Nowadays, you... you have to pay for it. Yes! Oh, more! I've been naughty. Oh, I won't do it again. But I think I might. Oh! Ohhhh!
So, imagine if this is what happened to you on your Stag Night (Bachelor Party if you're in the USA).
Yes, I suppose I am, to all intents and purposes, a fully-functional female. I've had hormone injections, silicone implants and, of course, that special tuck operation. And if I catch up with those bastards from my stag night, I'm going to rip their balls off, too!