7 MP3 Audio clips from Season 6 of Hale & Pace (1986)

PLAY ALL 58 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Kids. They're nothing if not completely honest, even when it comes to admitting that they may be intellectually deficient!

Schoolboy

Sir, I've got a problem.

Teacher

What is it?

Schoolboy

I'm as thick as pig sh*t.

These nuns are about to take their final vows of chastity. But before they do, they need to have a few things clarified.

Mother Superior

Good morning, sisters.

Nuns

Good morning, Mother Superior.

Mother Superior

You are all novices. Which means you have no vices. But before you take your final vows of chastity, we feel there's something you ought to know. Sister?

[A piano starts to play]

♪
A rubber is simply an eraser,
knickers are thieves on the whole.
The g-string is found on a cello,
a brassiere is used for burning coal.

Fanny is another name for Frances,
a cock wakes you up in the morn.
A dyke stops water over-flowing,
a bugler is a man with a horn.

Gay means happy,
a pussy is a cat.
A shag is a seabird,
and that is that.

Dick is a short name for Richard,
a nob will open up a door.
And frost on the lawn in the winter,
is what we call a hoar.

Doggy-fashion is a poodle in a jacket,
Roger is just a person's name.
A codpiece is a snack made by Findus,
a portion is several of the same.

Gay means happy,
a pussy is a cat.
An erection is a building,
and that is that.

Young ladies, it is worth explaining,
we only get wet when it's raining.
And I think you ought to know for a starter,
that a bishop that is flogged is a martyr.
Now, sisters... let's see what we've learned...

What's an eraser?

Nuns

A rubber.

Mother Superior

Knickers...

Nuns

...are thieves on the whole.

Mother Superior

What's on a cello?

Nuns

A g-string.

Mother Superior

A brassiere?

Nuns

Is used for burning coal.

Mother Superior

Correct! Another name for Frances...

Nuns

Fanny.

Mother Superior

A cock...

Nuns

... Wakes me up in the morn.

Mother Superior

What stops water over-flowing?

Nuns

A dyke?

Mother Superior

And a bugler?

Nuns

A man with a horn.

Chorus

♪
Knickers: thieves, pussy: cat, g-string: cello, Richard: Dick, nob: door, frosty: hoar.
Knickers: thieves, pussy: cat, g-string: cello, Richard: Dick, nob: door, frosty: hoar.
Knickers: thieves, pussy: cat, g-string: cello, Richard: Dick, nob: door, frosty: hoar.

Gay means happy,
a pussy is a cat.
A shag is a seabird,
and that... is... that!

DNA is the leading tool in investigating serious crime. But that's not what this detective was interested in on this particular day. Oh no.

Forensic Scientist

I've, uh... examined the fibres from the trousers you brought in yesterday, Sergeant and you're perfectly right. They are semen stains.

Detective Sergeant

Yeah, I know that. But can you get them out before my wife comes home?

We've all seen documentaries like this. Time Team, History Detectives... but what if this is what they were actually investigating?

Archaeologist

Over here was the, uh... kitchen area. Just... here was the living quarters. And here, originally, was the entrance hall. That's the last time I'm renting a house of mine to bloody students.

Hmm. Deliberate, pre-meditated murder or an accident? Perhaps an entire sequence of bizarre events?

Presenter

Twenty years ago, Phillip Smith's wife was stabbed thirty-eight times, put in an acid bath, dropped off a motorway flyover and run over by a steam roller. Was it murder or was it an accident?

Dirty goddam public school perverts.

School Master

Yes, I remember when I was at school, you'd get a damned good thrashing for... for nothing. Nowadays, you... you have to pay for it. Yes! Oh, more! I've been naughty. Oh, I won't do it again. But I think I might. Oh! Ohhhh!

So, imagine if this is what happened to you on your Stag Night (Bachelor Party if you're in the USA).

Trans-sexual

Yes, I suppose I am, to all intents and purposes, a fully-functional female. I've had hormone injections, silicone implants and, of course, that special tuck operation. And if I catch up with those bastards from my stag night, I'm going to rip their balls off, too!