7 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of Hale & Pace (1986)

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Bros. Loved by teenage girls, hated by teenage boys... and fully-grown comics such as Hale & Pace, apparently.

Dave

Hey, Jed... you know them Thompson Twins, man? They're not really twins. And Sister Sledge, you know?

Jed

Mmmm.

Dave

They're not really sisters.

Jed

Oh, right. What about Bros, then?

Dave

Oh, yeah. They really are wa*kers, yeah.

When a cowboy says he's been riding horses since he was a boy, he probably doesn't mean... you know... riding horses.

Cowboy

Yep, I've been ridin' horses since I was a boy. I guess I... I guess I never met the right gal.

Don't you just hate those middle-class, boring conversations which masquerade as something more interesting than they actually are? Gareth certainly does.

Fiona

I was so embarrassed, I thought we'd never be invited to dinner again!

Norman

That's right, yeah.

Kate

I'm awful at other people's houses. When I go to the bathroom, I just have to have a quick peek in all the other rooms.

Fiona

Yes! I do that!

Gareth

Yeah, I like to have a good ferret around in their wash basket. You know, check out there dirty clothes and stuff.

Norman

You know, what I find really embarrassing is when Fiona catches me pulling faces at myself in the mirror.

Kate

Yes, Gareth's always doing that.

Fiona

When I look in the mirror, I always pull my tummy in to make me look slimmer!

Gareth

Oh yeah, I like.. I like to hang those, um... curtain tassels from my nipples and pretend to be a stripper.

Fiona

Norman, tell them what happened when you came home from work early last week.

Norman

Oh right, yeah. I came home early from work last week and, uh... there was Fiona with a Walkman on, doing the vacuum cleaning and conducting Beethoven's Ninth Symphony at the same time, if you please.

Gareth

Yeah, talking of vacuum cleaners, I tried this experiment once and I got it really stuck on -

Norman

You know, talking of embarrassing things, um... I had my, uh... boss over to dinner last week and we were just about to start the soup course and our little, uh... Labrador, Pepi did a packet on the carpet and tell you... I didn't know where to look. I was so embarrassed.

Gareth

We had some guests over just recently and our dog sat right down in front of everybody and started licking its cobblers. I wanted everybody to just go away, you know... so I could see if I could do it on myself.

Norman

Well, it's getting very late and we've got babysitters -

Gareth

Yeah, all right. All right. I've made a complete arse of myself. I've just about had enought of your twee, middle-class, "it's so embarrassing" anecdotes. Okay, try this for size. I find it really embarrassing when I'm lying on my bed, smothered in Golden Syrup, and a leather-clad dwarf is whipping my privates with a knotted shoelace and my grandma walks in.

Fiona

Yes! That's happened to me a couple of times!

Remember Right Said Fred's 1992 hit, "I'm Too Sexy"? Well, this is Hale & Pace's take on the classic bit of camp disco.

Norman Pace

♪
I'm too sexy can't you see?
Sexy as can be,
Oh sexy, sexy me!

Gareth Hale

I'm too sexy, I insist,
too sexy to be kissed,
too sexy for my wrist.

Norman Pace

I'm too sexy for my bed,
and my name is Fred,
I give good shiny head.

Dancers

Sex, sex, sexy, sexy, sex.

Gareth Hale

Guess what's coming next...
you're right... it's the word "sex."

Norman Pace

Catflap, oh the catflap,
I let my pu**y in through the catflap.
Dip, dip, dippy, dippy, dippy, dip,
Dip your soldiers in... (indecipherable)

Gareth Hale

Dip-lo-docus is a dinosaur.
Dip, dip, dip.

Dancers

Dob, dob, dob!

Gareth Hale

I wear silly frilly shirts.

Norman Pace

It makes my nipples hurt.

Gareth Hale

Would you like a squirt?
I'm too sexy to have sex.

It's Frank and Steve; two licenced taxi drivers from London. They love Pringle jumpers, golf and talking bollocks. As all good black cab drivers should.

Frank

Steve.

Steve

Frank.

Frank

Steve.

Steve

Frank.

Frank

Steve.

Steve

Frank.

Frank

Golf?

Steve

'Andsome.

Frank

A large portion, yes!

Hmm. We've all been stopped in the street for random surveys, haven't we? But never have I been stopped by someone and asked such personal questions as Norman was...

Interviewer

Excuse me, sir. I wonder if you'd mind answering a few questions?

Norman

Yeah, okay.

Interviewer

Right. Are you sexually active?

Norman

Yes.

Interviewer

Do you find me physically attractive?

Norman

No.

Interviewer

If you did go to bed with me, what sexual position would you prefer?

Norman

I wouldn't.

Interviewer

It was worth a try.

This police officer is clearly either close to retirement, about to quit or perhaps the lucky winner of the lottery jackpot. Because he's going to get fired after this.

Police Officer

Nothing to worry about, sir. It's just one of your brake lights isn't working. I'm not going to do you for it but, uh... the traffic boys down the road... they're a bit keen, sir.

Motorist

Oh, right. Thank you very much, officer.

Police Officer

Your windscreen's a bit dirty as well, isn't it, sir?

Motorist

I'll see to that immediately, officer.

Police Officer

Good. One more thing, sir. Your wife and your kids are a bit ugly.

Motorist

What?

Police Officer

I mean, some poor sod driving along, sees them... straight off the road.

Motorist

I don't think that's -

Police Officer

Just joking, sir. Your brake light's working perfectly.

[The OFFICER starts to giggle childishly as he walks away]