14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of Hale & Pace (1986)

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How thoughtful of Henry. How selfless that his dying wish was that his lifeless corpse be carved up and used for the buffet at the wake.

Desmond

Frances, uh... we're all going to miss Henry in the business. He were... he were very popular with customers.

Frances

Thanks, Desmond.

Desmond

Aye, it won't be easy to find a new partner of Henry's calibre.

Andrew

Frances, these sandwiches are delicious. What is it, Ham?

Frances

No, Andrew. It's Henry.

Andrew

Henry?

Desmond

Aye. It tastes like ham, but actually it's a slice of Henry's shoulder.

Andrew

Desmond, are you saying I'm eating Henry?

Frances

It was his dying wish. Why go to the expense of a funeral tea when you can do the catering yourself?

Desmond

In fact... be the catering yourself!

Andrew

So all the food on this table is, in fact, Henry?

Desmond

Uh, that's right. You see the roast there? That's... that's one of Henry's thighs.

Frances

The brisket roll... that's Henry's arms.

Desmond

And the meatloaf. That's... Henry's intestine.

Andrew

What about these pickled onions?

Desmond

Oh, you got those two, did you?

Frances

Don't look so shocked, Andrew.

Andrew

I can't help it, Frances. I've just eaten a sausage.

Desmond

That's a very nice gesture, Andrew. Henry would have liked that.

Frances

He always did!

Billy & Johnny like to sing songs. Some of their songs are very, very long. But this one... isn't.

Billy / Johnny

♪
Some songs are very, very long,
this one isn't!

Practising safe sex was a message that was especially prevalent in the late 1980s. And the two Rons did their bit to promote the use of condoms. Or, to be more precise, socks!

Norman Pace (as "Ron")

Remember: always practice safe sex. When Ron practices safe sex, he always uses a...

Gareth Hale (as "Ron")

Sock.

Norman Pace (as "Ron")

A condom! You put a sock on your foot.

Gareth Hale (as "Ron")

Mine is a foot!

Remember those feminine hygiene product adverts that showed women wearing white shorts roller-blading, playing tennis...

Woman

No more of those embarrassing lady's problems for me. Now, I can horse-ride, water-ski or play Golf any time of the month. That's because... I've married a rich bastard.

Naming after child after what you saw at the moment of conception is a dangerous concept. What if you were drunk, down an alleyway having sex against a dumpster?

Dave

I named my daughter Sky because at the moment of conception, I was looking up at the sky.

Jed

I named my daughter at the moment of conception. And I called her eeeeeeiiiiiigggggguuuuuuhhhhhh!

Be careful what you say on camera when your wife is stood beside you. Especially if you're a little "quick" in the sack. Because she's bound to be a little tetchy about it.

Man

Oh, yeah. I know what I'd do if there was a two-minute nuclear attack warning. I'd make love to the wife.

Wife

Twice.

This is genius. Genius on the part of the employee. I'll have to remember this so that if I'm ever asked the same question in an interview, I'll be able to rock it just as much as he did.

Supervisor

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the management has decided to give fifty pounds to the person who comes up with the best cost-cutting suggestion.

Employee

Why not give twenty-five pounds for the best suggestion?

Supervisor

Brilliant!

Some bellboys assume too much about the guests they're helping to their room. I mean, not every man and woman visit a hotel for a weekend of rampant, unbridled sex. Especially if she's your mum!

Bellboy

Here we are, sir... madam. Lovely view over here. I don't imagine you'll be doing a lot of sight-seeing, eh? Right, the... the bathroom is just over here. Toilet, bidet... nice big bath in there. Room enough for two, you know what I mean? And over here, we've got... we've got the twin beds but you can, uh... easily push them together, you know what I mean, eh? They're nice and sturdy. Eh? Eh? Take a bit of hammer, you know what I'm saying? Eh? Eh? Nice and comfy! There you go. I hope everything's satisfactory, eh?

Guest

Fine. Now, would you mind showing my mother to her room, please?

Imagine this. Imagine if you're having problems conceiving a baby, you provide a sperm sample and the result of your sperm count was publicly announced? Holy sh*t!

Returning Officer

Sidney Jenkins, four-thousand three-hundred and twenty-eight. James Brody, seven-thousand, two-hundred and forty-two.

Man

There must be a more dignified way of announcing the results of a sperm count.

I sometimes take my work home with me. To some degree. But then, I'm not a pathologist. If I were and I brought my patients home, I think my other half might have something to say about it, too!

Wife

Oh, Rupert. I wish you wouldn't bring your work home like this.

Rupert

Lots of people bring work home, darling.

Wife

Yes, dear but lots of people aren't pathologists!

Being ostracised is not the same thing as being circumcised. Not the same thing at all. I know that, you know that, but Ron is as thick as pig sh*t and he definitely doesn't know that.

Norman Pace (as "Ron")

My family won't talk to me no more. I've been ostracised, and it hurts.

Gareth Hale (as "Ron")

Well, I was done as a baby, so I don't remember!

If you're looking at sending your child to a private school and the Headmaster begins asking questions about his or her bottom, it's time to get the fu*k out of there. Pronto.

Headmaster

Well, I'm, uh... quite impressed by your son's record and crudentials, Mr. Chadwick. And I'd be more than happy to offer him a place here at Manors Grove.

Mr. Chadwick

Oh, uh... thank you very much, Headmaster. I'm sure Peter will be a credit to the school.

Headmaster

Mmmmm. I'm sure he will be. There's just one more question. Purely academic, of course, but tell me... does your son have a nice bottom?

Mrs. Chadwick

A what?

Headmaster

His bottom. Is it plump and firm and textured like a deliciously ripe peach?

Mr. Chadwick

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

Headmaster

It's quite a simple question, Mr. Chadwick. Does your son boast a bottom that's irresistibly spankable?

Mrs. Chadwick

What do you mean, "spankable?"

Headmaster

Mrs. Chadwick, this school was built on discipline. And I've always found that nothing works better than to lay a young offender across my knee, and administer a good, old-fashioned, bare-bottomed spanking. Especially if the recipients firm little buttocks are quivering in nervous anticipation.

Mrs. Chadwick

But that's outrageous. Surely corporal punishment has been banned from the classroom?

Headmaster

I don't spank them in the classroom. I spank them in here. Let me assure you, I only punish the boys as a last resort for the most serious offences, of course.

Mr. Chadwick

What sort of serious offences?

Headmaster

Oh, coming into assembly with dull blazer buttons, not chewing their food fifty-seven times, and most serious of all... reading pornographic literature.

Mr. Chadwick

Surely that isn't all that serious?

Headmaster

Mr. Chadwick, I'll not have the boys sneaking in here and looking through my desk!

Mr. Chadwick

Surely there's some other kind of punishment you could administer other than spanking?

Headmaster

Yes, of course there is. I believe in giving the boys a democratic choice. Either I spank their bottom... or they spank mine. It's entirely their decision.

Mrs. Chadwick

Well thank you, Headmaster. We'll, uh... we'll think about it.

Mrs. Chadwick

Yes, we have one or two other schools to look at, actually.

Headmaster

[Laughs]

I almost got you going then, didn't I? I'm sorry but I've got a rather zany sense of humour. I can't resist practical jokes. I'm sorry.

Mr. Chadwick

So you don't spank the boys?

Headmaster

Of course I don't. Mr. Brownlow does all the spanking. I just watch.

Women, at least ones in England, are not complicated. You buy them a Bacardi Breezer, and they'll ride you like Seabiscuit. Not my quote. Happen to know which of our featured movies that line is from?

Gareth

Norm?

Norman

Mmm?

Gareth

When that girl from the flat opposite knocked earlier, do you know what she wanted?

Norman

Yeah, she wanted to borrow a pint of milk.

Gareth

No, no, no. Do you know what she really wanted?

Norman

Yeah, she really wanted to borrow a pint of milk.

Gareth

Okay, so she may have said, "can I borrow a pint of milk, please?" but, uh... I think she was after, uh... something else.

Norman

What, coffee?

Gareth

No. You just don't understand women, do you?

Norman

Women are no problem. It's you I'm having trouble with.

Gareth

Look, sometimes women don't say exactly what they mean. Okay? Like, for instance... if I go to a disco and I ask a girl to dance, and she says no, what do you think she's trying to tell me?

Norman

Well, I mean... I'm not exactly Desmond Morris, Gareth but maybe she's telling you she doesn't want to dance with you.

Gareth

Well, it's possible I suppose, yeah.

Norman

Especially if she's seen you dance.

Gareth

Yeah, but it's also possible she's trying to say something else.

Norman

What, like she wants to borrow a pint of milk?

Gareth

When I ask a girl to dance and she says no, it's quite possible what she's actually saying is, "I'd love to dance with you, you big, chunky sex God. But I don't know if I could trust myself to stand next to you whilst you're gyrating your perfect body."

Norman

What if she says yes?

Gareth

I don't know. I've never had a girl say yes before.

Norman

So, uh... let me see if I can work out what you're trying to tell me here, Gareth. For example, if I go to the newsagents for my morning paper and the girl behind the counter says, "here's your change," what she's really saying is, "I'd love my hand to be going where that money's going."?

Gareth

Well, possibly. Or she could be saying, "Oh, you're the kind of prat who buys the Sunday Sport."

Norman

So, I've really got to think... what are they saying to me?

Gareth

Mmm. That's right. I think it makes women a bit more mysterious. Sexy.

[The doorbell rings]

Norman

I'll get it.

[NORMAN opens the door to find the FEMALE NEIGHBOUR standing there]

Neighbour

Hi. Would you like to come over to my flat and have sex with me?

Norman

Gareth, it's the girl from the flat opposite. She wants to borrow a pint of milk.

It's the "Bollocks Song", a firm family favourite. There was no official script for this season (that I could find, anyway) so I've had to use a little artistic licence for the spellings.

Gareth Hale / Norman Pace

♪
Accidents will happen,
sometimes things go wrong.
And you need a word to express yourself,
something good and strong.

So when you hit your thumb with a hammer,
an "ouch!" just will not do.
When you drop that bowling ball on your foot,
this is the word for you.

Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocks is a handy word.
Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocks is a handy word.

In the English language,
it is my favourite word.
It may come as a shock to you,
but it's used all over the world.

In Sweden, "Sckolbol",
Wales, "Bockllocs",
a word of international fit.
In Japan it's, "Borrocks!",
Switzerland, "Bollokcs.",
Linford Christie's middle name!

We hope you've enjoyed Hale & Pace,
but now we have to go.
But we've got one thing to ask of you,
tell me, did you enjoy the show?

And you say, "Bollocks!" Bollocks!
What a lovely thing to say,
It's a load of bollocks! Bollocks! Now you've really made our day.

If this is your opinion,
of everything you've seen and heard.
Then it's obvious you agree with us,
That bollocks, bollocks, bollocks is a handy word!