16 MP3 Audio clips from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

It's career day. A chance for a parent of each child in Ricky's class to give a talk on what they do for a living. Not great news for Ricky, to be honest.

Teacher

Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?

Ricky Bobby

No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But my mama say he's out racing cars and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.

Clip 2

Reese Bobby has surprised Ricky by turning up. For the first time in ten years. And he's determined to make a good impression on his estranged son and his class-mates.

Reese Bobby

Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.

Ricky Bobby

Dad!

Reese Bobby

Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?

Ricky Bobby

Ten years.

Reese Bobby

Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.

Teacher

Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.

Reese Bobby

Oh, it's all right, darlin', I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional race car driver, and an amateur tattoo artist. And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a race car driver is you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.

Teacher

Okay, I think that's enough.

Reese Bobby

Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong, because it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid.

[The kids start cheering with excitement]

Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

Clip 3

What kind of a monster signs their name on a baby's forehead with a Sharpie™? And what kind of a monster allows someone to do that to their baby?

Ricky Bobby

Absolutely, ma'am, I'd love to sign your baby.

[RICKY signs his name on the sleeping infant's forehead with a blue Sharpie™]

You're not gonna wanna wash that forehead.

Clip 4

Once you make it in NASCAR, you have the opportunity for sponsorship by advertising a wide variety of products. And Ricky Bobby likes to advertise ALL of them. Indiscriminately.

Ricky Bobby

I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner and what better gift to give a loved one than the Jackhawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart.

When you work on your mysterious lady-part stuff, you should have the right tools, too. So that's why you should use... Maypax, the official tampon of NASCAR.

I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fu*k you!

[Tries to speak Japanese]

Prune candy.

Clip 5

Ricky says grace like I would imagine old people make love. Slowly and carefully. By the time this pr**k has finished, your dinner will be cold and your guests will have left!

Ricky Bobby

I just want to take time to say thank you for my family... my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons... Walker and Texas Ranger... or T.R., as we call him... and of course, my red-hot smoking wife, Carley... who is a stone-cold fox. Who, if you were to rate her ass on a hundred, it would easily be a ninety-four. Also wanna thank you for my best friend and team-mate, Cal Naughton Jr who's got my back no matter what.

Cal Naughton Jr.

Shake and Bake!

Ricky Bobby

Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also thank you for my wife's father, Chip. We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. And it smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it. Dear tiny infant Jesus...

Clip 6

Families should eat together. Time around the table is time to catch up, share stories, laugh... but if you're at Ricky's house, it's a cluster-fu*k. An absolute, unmitigated car crash.

Walker

Dad, you made that grace your b**ch.

Carley Bobby

Hey, boys, I wanna see some napkins in the lap.

Ricky Bobby

Boys, how was school today?

Walker

I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.

Ricky Bobby

Sounds like a good day. Texas Ranger, how about you?

Texas Ranger

Well, the teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said, "Washington, D.C."

Cal Naughton Jr.

Bingo.

Ricky Bobby

Nice.

Texas Ranger

She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I p*ssed in my pants. And I never did change my pee pants all day. I'm still sitting in my dirty pee pants.

Cal Naughton Jr.

I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.

Clip 7

I was raised to respect my elders. All decent people are. Sadly, Ricky hasn't instilled those values in his ridiculously named sons. They're at liberty to abuse and berate their elderly grandfather.

Chip

I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren, and you are raising them wrong. They are terrible boys.

Walker

Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-sh*t on your ass!

Texas Ranger

I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head.

Cal Naughton Jr.

Yeah!

Ricky Bobby

Yeah. Turn up the heat.

Cal Naughton Jr.

Go on and get some, boys.

Ricky Bobby

C'mon!

Walker

I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass.

Texas Ranger

Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey.

Cal Naughton Jr.

Like a spider monkey! Go on.

Ricky Bobby

Chip, you brought this on, man.

Walker

The greatest generation, my ass. Tom Brokaw is a punk.

Chip

What is wrong with you?

Texas Ranger

Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew.

Clip 8

Two of Ricky's pit crew, Glenn and Kyle are discussing what to get the former's grandmother for her eighty-eighth birthday. The latter's two suggestions are pretty twisted.

Glenn

So I was talking to Nana on Saturday, and her birthday's coming up but I don't know what to get her. She's gonna be eighty-eight.

Kyle

Get her a coffin... get her a gigolo.

Glenn

What?

Kyle

A guy to have sex with her.

Glenn

No, she's gonna be eighty-eight and -

Kyle

You don't stop liking sex when you're old.

Glenn

Well, I was thinking more along the line of, um... like, she likes afghans and quilts.

Kyle

She's probably got a million of those in the closet. How many dudes does she have coming over to have sex with her?

Glenn

None.

Kyle

Exactly. Be thoughtful, Glenn.

Clip 9

Oh, I just love it when patriots from different countries get together to argue about whose homeland is the greatest. There's a word for them, isn't there. What is it, again? Oh yes. D*CKS!

Jean Girard

I am French.

Ricky Bobby

You say you're French?

Jean Girard

Oui.

Ricky Bobby

We? No, we are not French. We're American, because you're in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet.

Jean Girard

Well, what have you given the world, apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?

Ricky Bobby

Chinese food?

Cal Naughton Jr.

Chinese food.

Jean Girard

That's from China.

Ricky Bobby

Pizza.

Jean Girard

Italy.

Cal Naughton Jr.

Chimichanga.

Jean Girard

Mexico.

Ricky Bobby

Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?

Jean Girard

We invented democracy, existentialism, and the blowjob.

Cal Naughton Jr.

Those are three pretty good things.

Ricky Bobby

Hey.

Cal Naughton Jr.

Well, that last one's pretty cool.

Jean Girard

And the soixante-neuf. You know, the sixty-nine, with the head near the... that bit. We came up with it.

Hershell

We created the missionary position. You're welcome.

Clip 10

Don't you just love these naff collage pieces that sports channels run as a "getting to know the sportsman" exercise? Well, at least this one was candidly honest, I suppose.

V/O

Talented. Eccentric. Dominating. These are the words that define Jean Girard. Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his world-class horses... who are also gay. Jean's days are filled with sun-drenched walks with his beloved husband, Gregory. Though Gregory is no stay-at-home spouse. He's a world-class trainer of German shepherds.

[We see GREGORY directing six dogs into a pyramid]

Rolfe

Rolfe, the Nazi boyfriend. Up on top! Very nice. Very nice.

V/O

Only time will tell if Jean's foray into NASCAR will end up in Victory Lane.

Clip 11

Did the commentator need to qualify this remark. I mean, we all know what, "sitting on the pole" means in motorsport circles, right? In the lead. First place. Pole position. Not... bum fun.

Commentator

Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is, of course a statement of fact and in no way a comment on the driver's sexual orientation.

Clip 12

Okay. I'm confused. Cal did a nude centre-fold spread for Playgirl, right? But why did he have to spread his ass cheeks for the photograph? What woman is going to find that erotic?!

Cal Naughton Jr.

Hey, Ricky. It's me, Cal. Just want you to know, I got your back, bro. No matter what. There's something I want to get off my chest and it's about that summer when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl magazine... and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl magazine. I mean spread, man. I pulled my butt apart and stuff and I was totally nude, and it was weird. You probably didn't hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you could hear me, if it got into your brain somehow that I spread my butt cheeks as Mike Honcho.

Clip 13

Word to the wise, Ricky. People on public transport are NOT interested in making casual conversation. Just sit in silence, reading the same poster over and over again like us normal people, will ya?!

Ricky Bobby

Hey. I lost my licence. That's why I'm on the bus. I'm delivering pizzas.

Bus Passenger

Motherfu*ker, what makes you think I care? Shut the fu*k up!

Clip 14

I don't condone physical chastisement of children. Not usually. But when it comes to these little fu*kers? I think they're both in need of a good, old-fashioned C*ckney dry-slap.

Walker

Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!

Texas Ranger

One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!

Ricky Bobby

Hey, stop yelling at me, okay?

Clip 15

I think the Bobby family might be what we were probably once allowed to call, "white trailer trash." but in these woke times, I suspect I'd offend white trailer trash by using that term.

Ricky Bobby

What do you care about me or us? I mean, hell... you never even met your grandkids.

Texas Ranger

What are you looking at, Popeye?

Reese Bobby

You shut up, you little pot-licker. I'll put you in a microwave. Now, you show me the DNA test, and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.

Frank (Neighbour)

You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent trying to sleep.

Reese Bobby

You better shut up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent.

Lucy Bobby

Yeah, shut up, Frank!

Walker

Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

Reese Bobby

Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.

Clip 16

Lucy has a love / hate relationship with her grandchildren. They love to hate each other. So when they misbehave and she has them on highway litter-picking duty, the anger pours out.

Texas Ranger

I gotta tell you, Granny, this blows.

Walker

How much more of this?

Lucy Bobby

I don't know. How many more times are you gonna toss me the radio in the bathtub?