14 MP3 Audio clips from Sisters (2015)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

Maura is a beautiful human being. She chose nursing as her vocation in life and spends her days off helping the homeless. But not everyone sitting on a street-corner is homeless, Maura.

Maura Ellis

You scored yourself a nice corner. Good job. Hi. I'm Maura Ellis. I'm not part of a religious group or anything. I'm just a nurse who likes to give back on her days off. You know, when you're living outdoors, skin cancer is a real concern. So I got you some sunscreen, and you, my friend, have some irregular moles.

Construction Worker

You're a very friendly person.

Maura Ellis

Wanna come to my house and take a shower? Maybe make a list of goals?

Construction Worker

Oh, I have a girlfriend.

Maura Ellis

Great. It's important to have a lady out there in the street. What do you call it, a road b**ch or something?

Construction Worker

Her name's Karen.

Maura Ellis

Your little mama? Your street wife? Anyway, I'm pretty good with sayings, so I make these cards for my sister, but I think maybe you could use one. Without the dark night, we would never see the bright stars.

Construction Worker

Is this from Twilight?

Maura Ellis

No, I made it up.

Construction Worker

Mmm, no, you didn't.

Maura Ellis

Yeah, I did.

Construction Worker

See you later.

Maura Ellis

Wait. Wait a minute. Hey! You're not homeless?

Construction Worker

You were on a roll.

Maura Ellis

Well, give me back the sunscreen so I can give it to an actual homeless person! Like this lady.

Store Manager

Fu*k off! I'm the manager here.

Maura Ellis

Oh for two.

Clip 2

Oh for the love of... is there nothing that a pug won't eat? I mean, a waxing strip coated with someone's pubic hair? Is that something that sounds even remotely like a yummy snack? No.

Dana

Kate? Is this your waxing strip?

Kate Ellis

I don't know, Dana. It must be a client's.

Dana

My dog had this in his faeces. And before I could stop him, he ate the poop with the waxing strip in it again. And then he threw that up.

Kate Ellis

Okay.

Dana

You know how many times a day I kiss that dog on the mouth?

Kate Ellis

An unsettling amount.

Dana

Now when I kiss him, I'm gonna picture that he ate some stranger's pubes. And it's gonna affect my relationship with him.

Clip 3

Dave Blackman. He's a real dirt-bag. But don't just take my word for it. I'll allow him to introduce himself!

Dave Blackman

Holy Moses with his balls out. Is that Kate Ellis I'm looking at?

Kate Ellis

Maybe.

Dave Blackman

Hey, look at you. Come on... Dave Blackman! I was a senior, you were a junior. I lingered back so we could be seniors together? You were my first non-hand I ever did it with.

Kate Ellis

Oh, my God. Yes. I swallowed your earring. That was a true honour.

Dave Blackman

Oh, thank you. Thank you!

Clip 4

Flirting. It can be innocuous, harmless, innocent. Or it can be hardcore. In Maura's case, it's a little bit of both. But she's sprinkled a generous pinch of weird into the mix. Take it away, Maura.

Kate Ellis

Oh, sweaty man. We have to flirt. Slow it down for a groove-by. Hey. What urp? Hey. Burying your wife?

James

Um...

Kate Ellis

Can I ask you something? My sister and I...

Maura Ellis

Hey!

Kate Ellis

Are busy professionals, looking for an "yard artisan" to do some work on our bushes?

Maura Ellis

You are working. We will not bother you. Sorry.

Kate Ellis

[To MAURA]

Jump on my bush joke. I just made that up! Put another Jenga on it.

Maura Ellis

I bet working on other people's bushes really makes you wanna whack your weeds.

Kate Ellis

That was dirtier than I thought.

Maura Ellis

I'm sorry. That got dirty really fast.

James

Don't apologise, I... I like that. I... I... I actually own this house.

Maura Ellis

You live here with your wife?

Kate Ellis

Your wife's a b**ch for not helping you.

James

Uh, I... I'm single, actually.

Maura Ellis

Oh! Well, we're not making fun of you. We're flirting with you, because you're really sweaty.

James

I'm a solid guy. I don't mind being the butt of your jokes.

Maura Ellis

Good. You will be the butt of our jokes, because your butt is no joke.

James

Okay.

Maura Ellis

I'm not laughing at that butt. I'll laugh with your butt. I'm gonna laugh in that butt. I'm gonna laugh. I'm gonna... I love to... My butt's funny, too, but your butt is really serious. Your butt is like an hour-long drama. Your butt's as serious as The Wire. I mean, I can't wait to watch your butt on DVD. I'm gonna binge-watch your butt when I have the flu.

Kate Ellis

Time to drive away.

James

Great.

Maura Ellis

Yeah, um, so...

Kate Ellis

You ever buy Poppin' Fresh Dough?

James

Yeah.

Kate Ellis

Remember the sound it makes?

James

Yeah.

[As MAURA drives away, KATE pulls up her top to reveal her bra and makes a popping sound with her mouth]

Clip 5

Kate and Maura's parents have moved to an up-market retirement village. The girls do not approve. Not one bit.

Kate Ellis

This nursing home better not smell urine-y, like a death-cafeteria.

Maura Ellis

It's not a nursing home, it's an adult community. Its called Village Du Soleil, which in French means, "in the sun." Old people aren't supposed to be in the sun! So stupid.

Kate Ellis

Yeah, Mom and Dad, eat a pyramid of d*cks.

Maura Ellis

Sit on a bunch of pinecones.

Kate Ellis

If I see Mom in one of those one-chair beauty shops, I will full-out BJ a hot curling iron.

Maura Ellis

Rowdy seniors and booze by a lake? That's a recipe for disaster.

Kate Ellis

If they have shower chairs at this granny farm, I will slit my throat and put it on YouTube.

Clip 6

Not only has Deana sold baby pictures of her two daughters to a man at the flea market, she's now trying to placate her off-spring with memory sticks containing all of the photographs she sold.

Deana Ellis

It feels good to purge. And we downloaded all our pictures!

Maura Ellis

You threw away our baby pictures?

Deana Ellis

No! We sold them to the gay man at the flea market who turns them into funny cards. And your father put them on this.

[DEANA holds up two memory sticks]

Kate Ellis

So I just stick this up my vagina and then I can see the pictures?

Deana Ellis

Oh, Katherine Anne. Stop.

Clip 7

Kate & Maura are reading their childhood diaries aloud. Kate's highlight? Jeff showing her his uncircumcised penis. Maura's diary just can't compete with that level of intensity!

Kate Ellis

"Last night at the party, I danced so hard my bra was soaking wet. Jeff and I were flirting, and then he said, 'Let me show you something.' So we went to my room, and guess what he showed me? A ween that is still wearing its hat." Mmm. Your turn.

Maura Ellis

Wow. How many times did you have sex in this house?

Kate Ellis

You should have had sex here. Having sex in your childhood bedroom is a rite of passage. You chose the party mom role to protect yourself from fun.

Clip 8

Mr. and Mrs. Geernt are the purchasers of Kate & Maura's childhood home. They’re filthy rich and he's a stuck-up a**hole. Oh and he's quite clearly gay. Nothing wrong with that, but he's in denial. And married. All kinds of wrong.

Kate Ellis

Is that dress from Target?

Mrs. Geernt

Um, no...

Kate Ellis

'Cause I've seen one like it at Target.

Mrs. Geernt

I've never been there before.

Kate Ellis

You know there was a murder here, right?

Mrs. Geernt

No. What? I don't.

Kate Ellis

Major cult stuff. Yeah.

Mrs. Geernt

What, like a mass murder?

Kate Ellis

Seven?

Mrs. Geernt

Okay.

Kate Ellis

Seven sets of twins. So, fourteen.

Mrs. Geernt

I'm sorry. What?

Kate Ellis

You know your cousin's gay, right?

Mrs. Geernt

That's not my cousin. That's my husband.

Kate Ellis

That's your husband? You're gonna have some surprising sh*t go down in about ten years. You ever feel like maybe you peaked too soon?

Mrs. Geernt

No, I don't.

Kate Ellis

'Cause its a long life. And I would hate to see you out there blowing hobos at forty.

Clip 9

Funny but they're both right. Geernt sounds like both a queef on a yoga ball and the last sound you hear before your sh*t your pants.

Kate Ellis

What kind of last name is Geernt? Geernt. Sounds like a queef on a yoga ball.

Maura Ellis

Yeah. More like the last sound you hear before you sh*t your pants.

Clip 10

Kate & Maura are trying on dresses for the party at a local boutique. Kate has put hers on back to front. The cups are on her shoulder blades and the zipper is like an autopsy incision; from navel to sternum!

Kate Ellis

Hmm, what do you think, Brayla?

Brayla

That looks amazing on you.

Kate Ellis

I never met a Brayla before.

Brayla

I know, like, three.

Kate Ellis

Oh, so you're trending. God bless. You know, it's a lot of under teat but I think I'm getting away with it.

Brayla

Also it's, um, on backwards.

Clip 11

Either Maura or Kate have to play the part of "Party Mom" at this shindig to keep everybody safe. Maura asks Kate to do it, Kate agrees but she's really not happy about it.

Maura Ellis

Will you be the party mom tonight? So I can let my freak flag fly?

Kate Ellis

I would love to.

Maura Ellis

Yeah? Because your face is telling me something else.

Kate Ellis

That would bring me joy.

Maura Ellis

You know what? Forget it. It'll just get screwed up. I'll do it.

Kate Ellis

You don't think I can take care of people? I am an actual mom! I got this!

Maura Ellis

Okay, but the party mom can't drink.

Kate Ellis

What fresh fu*kery is that?

Maura Ellis

Does a mother drink at her kid's birthday party?

Kate Ellis

Yeah, if there's a lifeguard.

Clip 12

Here's an excellent illustration of how people over the age of forty think their party is going to go versus how it actually turns out.

Kate Ellis

Fun train pulling in! Booze, booze! Whoo-hoo!

Party Guest

And when my dad finally died, he actually glowed.

Clip 13

You can't start a party with Billy Idol's Mony Mony. Apparently. That's like starting with anal. Apparently.

Kate Ellis

Hey, you can't start with Mony Mony. That's like starting with anal.

Maura Ellis

Oh.

Clip 14

James has slipped in the bedroom and fallen on Maura's ballerina music box which has gone... right up his rectum. Bit embarrassing, really. And really quite painful, it seems.

Maura Ellis

Okay. I'm just gonna roll you over so I can examine your rectum.

James

Okay. Stop. Stop saying rectum.

Maura Ellis

I'm gonna get it out, whatever it is.

James

Mmm-hmm. Okay.

Maura Ellis

So I'm just gonna twist it, and pull it out slowly.

James

Mmm-hmm.

Maura Ellis

Just breathe.

[MAURA twists the object and it begins to play a melody]

James

It's a music box.

Maura Ellis

Yep. It's my ballerina music box.

James

Mmm-hmm.

Maura Ellis

And she's in high-fifth position, which is why she went in so easily.

James

Okay. Is it past the tutu?

Maura Ellis

Yeah. Mmm. That's why it's catching.