20 MP3 Audio clips from The Sketch Show (2001)

PLAY ALL 20 CLIPS

If you've ever had cause to speak to a counsellor, a good counsellor, you'll thank your lucky stars that you didn't get this absolute monster to confide in.

Tim

I dunno... it wasn't 'til I nearly died I realised I needed help. And...

[Breaks down crying]

...that's why I'm here.

Counsellor

It's okay, Tim. Don't cry. Here, have a tissue. There you go. All right? Now, I hear what you're saying, Tim and it sounds to me like this...

[The COUNSELLOR adopts a ridiculous childish crying voice as she mocks her client]

Oh, no... oh, my mum left me. Oooh, I took loads of drugs and drink. Oh, boo hoo hoo, I nearly died!

If an undertaker calls at your home asking to collect YOUR body, one of two things has happened. Either there's been a massive mistake... or you're married to a fu*king psychopath.

[Two UNDERTAKERS in traditional dress approach the front door of a house and press the door bell]

George Stanton

Yes?

Undertaker #1

Hello. We've come to collect the body of George Stanton.

George Stanton

You're a bit early, actually.

Undertaker #2

Do you mind if we wait?

George Stanton

No, I mean you're very early. I'm George Stanton.

Undertaker #2

Sorry.

[As the UNDERTAKERS turn to leave, they're approached by a woman concealing an axe behind her back]

Woman

Hi. Um, can you come back in ten minutes?

[Opening the door and calling to GEORGE]

I'm home, darling.

If your partner decides it's time to share secrets, be careful what you declare. Or, better still... don't keep secrets from your partner. Be open and honest about everything.

Man

Sweetheart... we've been married for nine years. I really want you to know everything about me.

Woman

I do, don't I darling?

Man

Well, I've got a secret. Something about me you don't know and I want to tell you.

Woman

Actually, I'm glad you said that because I've got a secret, too.

Man

Have you?

Woman

Yeah. And I think you're right. We should know everything about each other.

Man

Yeah, well I... I -

Woman

- No. Let me start, though.

Man

Okay.

Woman

Um... about five years ago, I had an affair with your brother. It only lasted a week and then that was it. So, what's your secret?

Man

I collect old coins.

One expects Paramedics to have some form of patience and empathy. And most of them do. But spare a thought for these underpaid, overworked heroes who are sometimes pushed to their limits.

Paramedic

Okay, what happened?

Lee

I came off me motorbike. I think I've broken me leg. And me right arm... I can't feel it. And there's a shooting pain up the side of my head.

Paramedic

Okay, I hear what you're saying. And it sounds to me like this...

[The PARAMEDIC adopts a ridiculous childish crying voice as she mocks her patient]

Oooh, oooh, nooo. I fell off me bike. Oooh, oooh, nooo, I've hurt me leg. Oooh, and me arm hurts!

Did you ever call one of those premium rate sex lines back in the 1990s? No. Me neither. So I have absolutely no idea how accurate this is.

Recording

Hello. And welcome to Lust Line. We're going to hook you up with some of the sexiest ladies in town. And don't forget that these ladies are very, very open-minded. So, if you don't want hot, steamy sex talk, then hang up now. Okay, we're putting you... through!

Karen

Hello, my name's Karen, Who'm I talking to?

Dave

Hi. My name's Dave.

Karen

All right, Dave? How's it going?

Dave

Yeah, not bad.

Karen

Good.

Dave

So, uh... what are you wearing, Karen?

Karen

Bra, knickers, shoes... and a hat. And I wish you were here to see it, Steve -

Dave

- Dave.

Karen

Dave.

Dave

Yeah? Why's... why's that?

Karen

'Cause if you were here, I'd snog ya.

Dave

Right. And... and then what?

Karen

We'd go clubbing.

Dave

Okay...

Karen

And after that, I'd snog ya again.

Dave

Is it possible to speak to somebody else?

Karen

After that... I'd go to bed w'ya.

Dave

Oh, yeah? What would happen in bed?

Karen

We'd have it off.

Dave

And what would that involve... exactly?

Karen

Well... you'd get in the bed.

Dave

Right...

Karen

And then I would.

Dave

Go on...

Karen

Then we'd turn the lights out.

Dave

Yeah?

Karen

And then... we'd have it off.

Dave

Can I call Joanne, I usually speak to?

Karen

Hang on, there's more. We'd be joined by my flatmate... who's a girl.

Dave

Oh, yeah?

Karen

And she'd walk over to your side of the bed... and she'd whisper in your ear, "I want to touch your... legs!"

Dave

Right. And...

Karen

And then she'd have it off w'ya, too.

Dave

I really wanna speak to Joanna, please.

Karen

And then snog ya.

Dave

Yeah, goodbye!

Just why did pirates have parrots? Was it the loneliness at sea? The companionship? Their abilities as an early form of Dictaphone™? Because it must surely have back-fired at some point.

Pirate

Happy Valentine's Day my sweet-hearty!

Pirate's Wife

Oh Tim, you remembered!

Pirate

Of course I remembered. I said to myself -

Parrot

- I must remember to buy my wife some flowers.

Pirate

That's right. That's what I said. He always remembers what I said. So I went down the local flower shop and I said to the owner -

Parrot

How much are your chrysanthemums?

Pirate

That's right. That's what I said. Yes. He said, "They're twenty-five pieces of silver." I said -

Parrot

I'll take 'em.

Pirate

That's right. That's what I said. I said, "I'll take 'em." I said, "My wife's worth every penny."

Parrot

That should keep the old trout happy.

Pirate

I never said that.

You know that irritating pr**k at work who's always after sponsorship or who has a petition to sign? If so, you'll love this clip. If not, I'm afraid to say that the aforementioned pr**k... is you!

Tim

Hey! Who wants to sponsor me?

Lee

What's it for?

Tim

I'm going to go up Mount Kilimanjaro.

Ronni

Oh, wow. That sounds amazing. I'll sponsor you.

Jim

Me, too.

Karen

I'll give you something.

Jim

How much are you hoping to raise?

Tim

Oh, hopefully about three-thousand pounds and that'll go towards all flights to and from Africa, provisions and stuff like that.

Lee

What charity is it in aid of?

Tim

How d'ya mean?

Lee

What's the money going towards?

Tim

Well, I just told you. Flights, provisions, hotels, cable car tickets...

Lee

Cable car tickets?

Tim

Listen... it's the biggest mountain in Africa. I'm not going to walk it.

Karen

That's not the point, Tim. Is there a charity involved, or not?

Tim

No, there isn't. No.

Karen

Well, then you're not having our money.

Tim

Who wants to buy a raffle ticket?

Group

NO!

Tim

Oh come on, guys. I've got to raise the money somehow.

Ronni

All right. Run through some of the prizes.

Tim

Run through some of the what?

Ah, the good old days before mobile and IP phones. When your landline was all you had. And you needed a specific machine to handle messages. Remember those dark, distant days? Yeah. Me, too!

Ronni

Ooh, wait. Hang on. What if people need to contact us?

Lee

I knew you'd start panicking. So that's why I bought... an answering machine.

[LEE presses the "Record OGM" button on the machine]

We're not here at the moment. Please leave your message after the tone.

Ronni

Right. Okay. But we're away for two weeks. People will think we're rude for not replying straight away.

[LEE presses the "Record OGM" button on the machine]

Lee

We're on holiday and won't be back until the seventeenth of November. Please leave your message after the tone. Right. Come on. Let's go.

Ronni

But what if a burglar rings?

[LEE presses the "Record OGM" button on the machine]

Lee

We're on holiday until the seventeenth of November. Please leave your message after the tone and our mate, Big Mental Frankie who's staying here, will pass it on.

Ronni

But now people will think we're rude for not replying to the messages that Big Mental Frankie passed on.

[LEE presses the "Record OGM" button on the machine]

Lee

We're away on holiday and won't be back until the seventeenth of November. Please leave your message after the tone and our mate, Big Mental Deaf Frankie who's staying here will pass it on.

Ronni

So now how's he going to hear burglars breaking in?

[LEE presses the "Record OGM" button on the machine]

Lee

We're away on holiday and won't be back until the seventeenth of November. Please leave your message after the tone and our mate, Big Deaf Mental Frankie, who's staying with us will pass it on unless he's taking his dog, who's a big, nasty, vicious bugger, for a walk -

Ronni

- But if he's out -

Lee

In which case, just ring back in a few moments because he's never gone for very long.

Ronni

But the burglars might then break in.

Lee

Look, it doesn't matter. We haven't got anything worth nicking.

Ronni

Well, the answering machine's new.

Lee

FINE! We'll take it with us! Shall we go?!

We all have that one friend who documents every tedious moment of his life on camera and then insists on showing us the photographs, don't we? No? Nobody spring to mind? Then it's you!

Jim

That's my son, taken last year when he was eight.

Tim

Oh, right.

Jim

That's him as a tiny baby.

Tim

Ha! He definitely looks like you, doesn't he?

Jim

Yeah, chip off the old block. No hair and all that. Yeah. That's the birth. They let me take photos. That's my wife, eight months pregnant... in the bath.

Tim

Do you mind me looking at these, Jim?

Jim

No. Why should I mind? That's us... at the conception.

Tim

Conception? I... I'm not sure about this.

Jim

Now, that's me on my own. In bed, with a copy of Razzle.

Tim

I don't wanna know about that, thank you.

Jim

That's my mum and dad conceiving me. My grandparents having sex in an air-raid shelter.

Tim

Jim... this is awful!

Jim

Oh, I know how you feel. Other people's photos aren't nearly as interesting as your own. That's you and your wife in the shower...

Exploring the strengths and weaknesses of your fellow students is a fundamental part of group work. When this group from an English class meet in the canteen, they discover all sorts of things!

Jim

Hi! Aren't we all on the same English course?

Karen

Oh, yeah. How's it going?

Jim

Not bad but I sometimes have trouble with grammar, isn't it?

Karen

Really?

Jim

Sometimes they're spot on and other times I don't, aren't they?

Lee

I'm all right with my grandma. My problem is spilling. Can't spill to save me loaf. Have to rely on the spillchock on me compluter.

Karen

Don't worry about it too much. I'm sure you'll be treated with a lot of understanding and comPASSION!

Lee

Right. I've got problems with me spilling, not me herring.

Jim

She has trouble with her punctuation, isn't it?

Karen

Yeah, sorry. I sometimes put an exclamation mark at the end by misTAKE!

Ronni

It's all right for you lot, I've got a very small vocabulary.

Tim

What's that like?

Ronni

It's all right for you lot. I've got a very small vocabulary.

Tim

Sometimes I have trouble with my em-PHA-sis.

Karen

Your em-PHA-sis?

Tim

Yes, various different parts of sen-TEN-ces. In my job that can cause quite a lot of aw-KWARD-ness.

Lee

What do you do?

Tim

I'm a speech ther-A-pist.

Lee

A speech therapist who can't spike priperly? I'm surprised your boss hasn't sucked you.

Ronni

It's all right for you lot. I've got a very small vocabulary.

Tim

Look, can I make a SU-ggestion? Why don't you pur-CHASE a diction-ARY? You'll save yourself a lot of embarr-ASS-ment.

Jim

I know! We can all try studying together, isn't it? How doesn't next week sound?

Karen

Good iDEA!

Tim

Fab-U-lous!

Ronni

It's all right for you lot -

Group

SHUT UP!

It was about time Quasimodo got his revenge on those who'd point and laugh at him. Esmeralda, for instance. I mean, forget the romance - she was probably doing it for a bet, right?

Esmeralda

Are you the one they call Quasimodo?

Quasimodo

Yes, I am the bell ringer.

Esmeralda

I've come to meet you. I am -

Quasimodo

- I know who you are. You are beautiful and I am ugly.

Esmeralda

I care not what you look like. Please turn round.

Quasimodo

No! I am a beast.

Esmereld

You're not a beast. You're a man. A man with a soul. And through your eyes I shall see that soul. Then, I shall judge your beauty.

[QUASIMODO reluctantly turns to face ESMERALDA]

Esmeralda

Oh... my... GOD! Can you turn around again, please?!

Quasimodo

Could one so beautiful learn to love one so ugly?

Esmeralda

Mmmm... no.

Quasimodo

I warned you I was ugly.

Esmeralda

Yeah, well there's ugly and there's ugly but that's just taking the p*ss.

Quasimodo

Yes, but what about the -

Esmeralda

-Yeah, not too close, please.

Quasimodo

Yeah, all right. You're not so great yourself you know, love.

Esmeralda

Huh! At least both my eyes look in the same direction.

Quasimodo

Yeah, that's because my eyes are trying to avoid making contact with your face!

Esmeralda

Yeah, well at least I don't spend all of my time cooped up in a bell tower, you freak!

Quasimodo

Yeah? Well, I'm not the one who came up here looking for a fella I've never even met, you slag!

[Rings the bell again]

THE BELLS!

I've never played Bingo. Never had the desire to, either. But I MIGHT be tempted to join the "wrinklies" and their dabbers if the caller was a little bit more like this guy.

Bingo Caller

Robbed a house... number five. Little old lady... eighty-six. She called the cops... nine nine... nine. Got hit in the jaw, lost some teeth... three. Got away in a flash at the stroke of... twelve. Hijacked a bus... the number forty-seven. Cops pulled me over, doing... sixty-five. Sentenced by the judge... got eight. The wife moved in the Stan who she left me... four. On it's own... me.

Imagine having an embarrassing personal secret... something intimate and sexual. Now imagine accidentally broadcasting that secret to your entire workforce. How awkward would that be?!

Lee

Okay, team. Mister Vine called this meeting last night. I've absolutely no idea what it's about but I must warn you... he did seem very, very concerned.

Marcia

I have Mister Vine on the line for you now.

Lee

Okay thanks, Marcia. Put him through.

Mr. Vine

Hi, Lee.

Lee

Hi, Tim. So, what was it you wanted to say?

Mr. Vine

Look, I'll get straight to the point. There's something very serious I have to tell you. I know I'm your boss, but I regard you as a friend. I've been doing something I shouldn't have. Something wrong.

Lee

Look, Tim do you think this is the right time?

Mr. Vine

No, I want to. The thing is... I like knickers. I like wearing knickers. Women's knickers. And tights. My wife doesn't know but when she's out, I slip upstairs, put on her underwear and pretend I'm called Agnes.

Lee

Look -

Mr. Vine

I even wear them to work. You know that Health & Safety talk I gave to the staff last week? I did it wearing pop-socks, peekaboo bra and camisole panties. I had to tell somebody, I'm going insane! Just please remember what I said last night, Lee. I need to tell you this in confidence.

Lee

I'm sorry, Tim. I thought you said in conference.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter™. Predecessor to Surely These Are Pineapple Chunks, Aren't They? and Bollocks. This Is Custard Powder And I'll Deck Anyone Who Says It Isn't.

Customs Officer

Hello, Madam. And where have we just arrived from?

Woman

Amsterdam.

Customs Officer

Now, are you aware it is forbidden to bring any dairy produce in from Holland?

Woman

Oh yes, yes.

Customs Officer

[Pulling a tub of margarine from her suitcase]

What's this?

Woman

Uh, it's... a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Look please don't arrest me. I won't do anything like this again, I...

Customs Officer

It's all right, Madam. It's not butter. It's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

{He pulls a bag of white powder from the suitcase]

Now, what have we here?

Woman

It's... it's... nothing.

Customs Officer

[Reading from the bag]

I Can't Believe It's Not Heroin. I think everything's in order there, Madam.

Tim Vine is king of the one-liners. And he peppered this show with them. This is yet another sketch written around one of his famous gags. And it's a belter.

Ronni

Oh, my goodness! Tim, what have you done?

Tim

I broke both my legs.

Ronni

How did you do that?

Tim

Tried to hang myself with a clip-on tie.

We've all seen those brightly coloured posters outside churches with bold statements. Well how about these? How do you like these apples?!

Bishop

Right. Poster campaign. As I've said before, we want provocative, we want contentious. Reverend, what have you got for us?

Reverend Ancona

Well, I thought long and hard about what you said, and I came up with this.
Heaven's above... are you listening?

Bishop

Yes. Good but, uh... I wonder can we, uh... push it a little further?

Reverend Mack

'Course we can.
What in God's name are you doing?

Bishop

Yes, good. I like it but I still wonder can't we... nudge it that little bit further?

Reverend Ancona

I think so...
For Christ's sake... believe!

Bishop

Excellent. I think that might be the one.

Reverend Mack

No, wait a minute...
To all sinners... God damn you!

Bishop

Yes, listen now you're talking.That certainly packs a punch. That'll be the one we use.

Reverend Ancora

Hang on, hang on...
Thieves! Whores! Sodomisers! Repent now, or else. And we're not joking.

Reverend Mack

JESUS GAVE HIS BLOOD SO BLOODY WELL GIVE TO JESUS!

Reverend Ancora

YOU! YES, YOU! GET IN THIS CHURCH NOW. GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY. OR YOU'RE DEAD!

Reverend Mack

HEY, UGLY! YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE UGLY, YOU UGLY GET!

Reverend Ancora

LET'S NOT BE A**HOLES, LET'S SAVE OUR SOULS!

Reverend Mack

RIGHT! STOP TITTING ABOUT, NOBHEAD. OR YOU'LL GO TO HELL!

A fine play on words this one. Enjoy it. It's Tim Vine at his quick-witted best.

Jim

Howdy, Tim. Mandy says meet her at Epsom Clock Tower by sundown. Ya'll make sure you're there.

Karen

What was that?

Tim

It was a Tex message.

We've all been asked those questions. Is this your case? Did you pack it yourself? Could anyone have interfered with it? Here's a man who is adamant that he is responsible... for the drugs inside!

Customs Officer

Did you pack this case yourself, sir?

Tim

Yes.

Customs Officer

Are you absolutely certain about that?

Tim

Absolutely certain.

Customs Officer

There's no way someone could have slipped something in there?

Tim

No way, at all.

Customs Officer

You haven't left it unattended for any length of time?

Tim

No. It's been by my side from the moment I packed it to the moment you brought me in here. Nobody has touched this case except me. I decided what to put it in. Everything in it belongs to me.

Customs Officer

You're sure?

Tim

Totally sure.

Customs Officer

May I have a look inside it, sir?

Tim

I'd rather you didn't.

Customs Officer

Why not?

Tim

It's full of drugs.

For the record, dads... Freddy Krueger is NOT a suitable character for a bedtime story. But if you want to get out of telling bedtime stories, let your wife overhear this abomination!

Lee

[Tucking his young daughter into bed]

There you go.

Daughter

Daddy, will you tell me a bedtime story?

Lee

'Course I will. Once upon a time there was a man called Freddy Krueger -

Wife

I'll do it!

Imagine what rude words and phrases one could create by chop-editing the names of London Underground Stations? FromUp The Arse to whatever your twisted imagination can conjure up.

Director

Now you know why you're here today, don't you? Your voice will be an integral part of our overall improvement of London Underground. So, let's make a start, shall we? You should find the script in front of you.

Voice Artist

Yes, I've got it, thanks.

Director

I'll guide you through it but any problems, let me know. I think you should find it's fairly straight forward.

Voice Artist

Okay.

Director

So, here's the first one... Finchley.

Voice Artist

Finchley.

Director

Bit more bold and definite if you will.

Voice Artist

Finch-ley.

Director

Excellent. So let's do all the Finchleys now. East.

Voice Artist

East.

Director

West.

Voice Artist

West.

Director

Central.

Voice Artist

Central.

Director

Now if you could just give me Clapham. North. South.

Voice Artist

Clapham. North. South.

Director

Common.

Voice Artist

Common.

Director

Tart.

Voice Artist

Tart.

Director

Now if you could just say, "This train terminates at..."

Voice Artist

This train terminates at...

Director

Morden.

Voice Artist

Morden.

Director

High Barnet.

Voice Artist

High Barnet.

Director

Edgware.

Voice Artist

Edgware.

Director

Spreadham.

Voice Artist

Spreadham. Spreadham?

Director

It's very definite on that one. It's the end of the line. Spreadham.

Voice Artist

Spreadham.

Director

That's more like it.

Voice Artist

I haven't heard of that station.

Director

Okay, moving on. Let's hear you say, "This train is for..."

Voice Artist

This train is for...

Director

Elephant & Soapy Lather.

Voice Artist

Elephant & Soapy Lather? I can't say that.

Director

It's fine. It sounded good. Now... Wood Green.

Voice Artist

Wood Green.

Director

If you could emphasise the woo on that.

Voice Artist

Woo-ood Green.

Director

Now... Bank.

Voice Artist

Bank.

Director

But more on the ank.

Voice Artist

Ank.

Director

Upminster. Stress the Up.

Voice Artist

Up-minster.

Director

The Oval.

Voice Artist

The Oval.

Director

Arsenal.

Voice Artist

Arsenal. Uh, I'm not sure about this.

Director

We're on the home stretch now. Hackney Wick.

Voice Artist

Hackney Wick.

Director

Shepherd's Bush.

Voice Artist

Shepherd's Bush.

Director

Just one more thing... C*ckfosters.

[The VOICE ARTIST storms out]

It's on the Piccadilly Line!