26 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Gavin & Stacey (2007)

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Doris may be Stacey's elderly neighbour but holy sh*t she knows a lot about relationships and sex. And she's always happy to freely dispense her advice.

Doris

Stace, love... you've got to chill out. The thing to remember is don't go giving him nothing on the first night.

Stacey

Really?

Doris

Well, no... not nothing... a kiss, a cuddle, a cheeky finger... just don't go selling the whole farm.

Stacey

Oh thanks, Dor.

Doris

See you, love.

Nessa travels light. Her sling, a packet of feminine wipes for freshening up her... you know, and sixty cigarettes. That's all she needs for a weekend in London, right?!

Nessa

All right?

Gwen

Hiyah, love.

Stacey

Where's your stuff?

[NESSA raises a small handbag in the air, indicating that this is what she has packed]

What... that's it?

Nessa

I've got my sling, packet of feminine wipes and sixty Regal. What more do I need?

Stacey

What about your tootbrush?

Nessa

I've got Tic-tac's.

Bryn has taken over the mantle from his prematurely deceased brother in raising and protecting his only daughter, Stacey. And this clearly extends to purchasing personal protective devices for her.

Gwyn

What do I owe you for that alarm, Bryn?

Bryn

Hey, don't worry about it. This was on me.

Gwyn

No, come on.

Bryn

Hey, these things are important. My brother would turn in his grave if he thought I wasn't looking after his little girl. And the truth is, I don't want anybody in this room being raped. Myself included.

Dave of Dave's Coaches has a rule when it comes to substance abuse on his bus. He's fussy. Almost picky.

Stacey

Are we all right to smoke, then? Dave?

Dave

What? Sorry, love. Smoking? Yeah. My motto is "fags and weed, glue and speed." But I draws the line at crack.

Nessa hasn't quite grasped the nuances of the English language. The expression "to powder one's nose" doesn't mean a hooter full of charlie. Not at all.

Gavin

All right? Been powdering your nose?

Nessa

Oh thanks, Stace. Thanks a lot.

Stacey

What?

Nessa

Look, let's get one thing straight. I don't touch that sh*t no more, right? I did and now I don't. So let that be an end to it.

A night on the town sometimes ends in a night in a bed and if you've not taken the necessary precautions, you could be taking on more than a hangover.

Smithy

We'll have to make a stop, girls.

Stacey

What for?

Gavin

Well, me might have to, um... get some...

Nessa

Don't worry. I've got a stash. Ribbed.

Smithy

TAXI!

You'd think that Nessa would remember who Smithy was having shoved a toilet brush up his ass during a drunken weekend in London.

Smithy

Nessa? It's Smithy. Smithy. You know, from the weekend. Gavin's mate. You know... the hotel? In the en-suite. With the toilet brush. Yes, yeah!

Is Nessa Queen of the Tall Tale or do any of her anecdotes have an element of truth to them? Well, we know that THIS one isn't true.

Nessa

See, this is what happens when you mix work with relationships. I remember when I was working in Harrod's. I got involved with the boss. And I mean the big boss. Cracking little fella. Used to take me to the football every Saturday. Couldn't do enough for me. But as soon as he got what he wanted, down there like... didn't want to know. Tried palming me off with his son. And he was trouble. Kept texting me every day from his boat. In the end, I had to say to him, "Oh! Back off!" Give him his dues... he did. Not heard a peep from him since. And I'm talkin' years.

Oh, wow! Not sure what Princess Diana did to the Shipmans but Pam is sporting a massive grudge.

Pam

I've got fresh strawberries, raspberries, pineapple and melon. Croissants, pain au chocolat and brioche.

Mick

Where's all this come from?

Pam

I was down at Tesco at five this morning.

Gavin

Mum... you didn't need to do all this.

Mick

Yeah, with all due respect, we're talking about Gavin's new girlfriend. Not Princess Di.

Pam

You do NOT mention that hussy's name in this house and you KNOW that, Michael!

What is it with the character names in this show? We have the Wests, the Shipmans and the Sutcliffes. They're all named after serial killers. Did nobody else ever notice this?!

Pete

Stop gawping at 'em, woman.

Dawn

Oh, well excuse me if I've forgotten what romance looks like, you pathetic lump of sh*t!

I'm not sure if this is the ultimate in kindness and consideration or... weird. Yeah. I think I'm edging towards weird on this one.

Pam

Just to say, your Dad's out for the count and I've put my earplugs in. So let yourselves go. Don't worry about a thing. Night.

Oh, here we go again. Foreign prisons, firing squads, smuggling and affairs with senior government figures? Actually, that last bit is infinitely believable.

Nessa

This reminds me of a very similar situation I was in with my second husband, Clive. I was faced with a dilemma, whether to lie or not to lie. And I chose to tell the truth.

Stacey

And what happened?

Nessa

He died. Firing squad. Terrible way to go, Stace and I wouldn't like to see it happen to you. Smugglers, we were. If it weren't for my relationship with John Prescott, I'd still be in that jail right now.

Welsh. A crazy language. Take their word for a microwave, for example. A popty ping. Well, it's actually meicrodon and popty ping is just a colloquialism. But it's still funny, right?!

Pam

Do you know, I have no idea what my name means in Welsh.

Nessa

Why.

Pam

'Cos I don't speak the lingo, darling.

Nessa

No. In Welsh, Pam means why.

Pam

Oh.

Nessa

Or brick.

Things aren't going QUITE to plan at Gavin & Stacey's engagement party. In fact, all out war has been declared and there will be no winners. Only casualties.

Gavin

Will everyone just calm down?

Pam

Keep out of this, you've caused enough trouble.

Mick

Pam, it is tradition for the bride to be married in her home town.

Pam

And it's also tradition for the bride's family to pay for the wedding and that's not happening either.

Mick

How do you mean?

Pam

You are paying for the lot.

Mick

Am I?

Gavin

Are ya?

Mick

Since when?

Gwyn

Oh, charming. So he didn't even know!

Pam

Oh, stop stirring.

Mick

I just wish someone had told me.

Pam

Oh, give it a rest you leek-munching sheep-shagger!

Nessa and Smithy. They have an on-off, will they won't they kind of relationship. Truth is, they hate each other but they can't keep their bloody hands off each other. It's primal. Wild. Ridiculous.

Stacey

Of course they did. Nessa told me they did.

Gavin

I know they did but Smithy's still maintaining he fell over.

Stacey

Thing is, she can't even stand him. She says he's a pr**k. I know and he says she's the worst example of a woman he's ever come across. Literally.

Stacey

Gavin!

Gavin has just asked Smithy to be his Best Man. Smithy is delighted. He's also just woken up from a long sleep in a customer's bath. He's achieved very little.

Gavin

I'd better go.

Smithy

Why?

Gavin

'Cos there's a really angry woman standing in the doorway.

Smithy

Mrs. Henry. You're probably wondering why I'm crying and why your bathroom isn't finished. This is Gavin. He is my oldest and dearest friend and he's just given me some devastating news. About his prostate.

Being homosexual, so far as I understand it, doesn't automatically qualify you to be an interior designer, fashionista or marriage guidance counsellor.

Pam

Will your boy be coming to the wedding? What's his name again?

Gwyn

Jason? Yes, he's coming over. He lives in Spain, he does.

Pam

Is he married?

Gwyn

No. He's gay.

Pam

Really?! Do you know, I said to Mick, if we'd had another son, I'd have loved him to be a homosexual. You know, for fashion advice and emotional support.

Gwyn

Jason's good as gold like that.

It's the big moment. Trying on wedding dresses, waiting for the right one.

Stacey

I know it's white, right? But who can honestly say, hand on heart, that they're a virgin these days?!

What's got into the vicar of the local church? I mean... I would take the Lord's name in vain but it would be a sin.

Priest

STAY IN YOUR SEATS! Gavin... don't sit down. Out of interest, what's a young London boy like between his bread?

Gavin

What?

Priest

In your sandwiches.

Gavin

I dunno.

Priest

Oh, you must know... come on. What's your favourite sandwich? Hmm?

Gavin

Uh... tuna?

Priest

We've had tuna. Something else.

Stacey

Just say anything.

Gavin

Why can't I have tuna as well?

Priest

Don't look at her. Look at me.

Gavin

I really can't think.

Priest

Oh, Jesus. How hard is it?

Gavin

I just don't see the point.

Priest

YOU DON'T SEE THE POINT? YOU DON'T SEE THE POINT? WELL, I'LL TELL YOU THE POINT, YOU JUMPED UP LITTLE... THE POINT IS THAT THE BREAD IS THE HOLY SPIRIT, THE MAYONNAISE SLASH BUTTER IS THE FATHER AND THE FILLING IS THE SON. WE ALL LIKE DIFFERENT FILLINGS BUT, ULTIMATELY, THE BREAD REMAINS A CONSTANT... JUST LIKE GOD. BUT FORGET IT. YOU'VE RUINED IT. NOW... SIT... DOWN! STUPID C*CKNEYS. RIGHT! LET'S PRAY. OUR FATHER...

Stacey is worried that the drunken revelry of Gavin's stag (bachelor party for our American cousins) will lead to him straying. With a lap dancer, of all things.

Stacey

So, how many of you are going?

Gavin

I dunno. Nine? Ten? Smithy's organising it, isn't he?

Stacey

I'm so worried. What it you meet someone else?

Gavin

How? Who? Anyway, what about you? You're all going out in Cardiff dressed as schoolgirls.

Stacey

I know. Well, just tell me you're not going to have sex with a lap dancer.

Gavin

What?

Stacey

Just say, "I'm not going to have sex with a lap dancer."

Gavin

I won't. I promise.

Stacey

Say it!

Gavin

I'm not going to have sex with a lap dancer. Would you feel better if I took my phone?

Stacey

I thought Smithy said no phones?

Gavin

I know, but if it'll make you feel better.

Stacey

Oh thanks, babe.

Gavin

No worries and if it goes to voicemail, it's probably because I'm having sex with a lap dancer.

Smithy. What is WRONG with the boy? There really is no woman he wouldn't have a go on. Anne Widdecombe, Nadia from Big Brother... Jimmy Krankie?!

Budgie

You seen the state of that?

Dirt Box

Rotten.

Smithy

She was all right.

Gavin

Smithy, man. You've got no standards. Like... zero standards. You'll go with anyone.

Smithy

I think you could be right, you know? Honestly, I can't think of a single woman I wouldn't let have a little nosh.

Gavin

You serious?

Smithy

Go on, name one. Any woman.

Fingers

Anne Widdecombe.

Smithy

Why not?

Budgie

All right... Nadia from Big Brother.

Smithy

Bring it on.

Dirt Box

But she's a bloke.

Smithy

Shut your eyes, great pair of babylons...

Budgie

Jimmy Krankie.

Smithy

Seriously... I would love to have a go on Jimmy Krankie. Not in the uniform, as long as she doesn't do the voice...

Bryn is angry. Unseasonably angry. Because he's under the impression that Gavin's mates didn't throw him a stag night. And Bryn can't let that stand.

Bryn

Gavin? Don't worry. She's explained everything and I think your friends are a shower of sh*t.

Smithy and Gavin are treating Bryn to a rather more tame version of Shag, Marry, Avoid.

Bryn

So, I've got to spend every minute with them. Share a room and everything but no funny business.

Smithy

Yeah.

Bryn

It's difficult. I'd marry Anneka Rice. Are we talking Pam Saint Clements as herself or as Pat Butcher?

Smithy

Pat Butcher.

Bryn

Right, that changes everything. I don't think I could sleep with her. But on the other hand, I don't think I could spend a year with Davina McColl.

Who could forget a wedding day like this? Waking up in Vegas, disorientated and in bed with two of the Pips. Yowzers!

Nessa

I remember my first wedding day. I woke up in Vegas. Didn't know where I was. Looked round... I was in bed with two of Gladys Knight's Pips.

Gwyn

Where was your husband?

Nessa

I don't know. I still don't know to this day. That annulment cost me a fortune.

Did Bryn have a chance with Nessa? Because if he did, let's face it... she'd fu*k him in half. She'd destroy him. There'd be nothing left!

Bryn

You're looking lovely, Ness. Very nice.

Nessa

Don't start, Bryn. You had your chance. You never took it.

The tragedy is that Pete and Dawn really love each other. Deep down, in some forgotten recess of their hearts, they are still very much in love. But they have a funny way of showing it.,

Pete

Don't do it, Gav! You'll regret it for the rest of your life. Look at me.

Dawn

He regrets it. I bloody regret it!

Pete

You see what I have to put up with? It ain't worth it. I'm telling you. Stay single.

Dawn

Do you know what, Pete? If it's that bad why don't you just up and leave?

Pete

I had me bag packed three weeks ago if you remember. But it weren't me on the doorstep shouting, "come back, come back, what about the kids?!"