21 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of South Park (1997)

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It's strange to think that at one time, you weren't allowed to say "sh*t" on television. For the boys in South Park Colorado, the debut of the "S-Word" on TV is big news. But some are more excited than others.

Eric Cartman

You guys, you guys, oh my god! Oh my god, you guys!

Kyle Broflovski

What, dough boy?

Eric Cartman

I was just -

[CARTMAN realises what KYLE just said]

Hmm. I was just watching the TV, they had this commercial.

Stan Marsh

So?

Eric Cartman

So, guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show "Cop Drama."

Kyle Broflovski

What?

Eric Cartman

No, come on. Guess. They're gonna say something that's never been said on television.

Kyle Broflovski

What?!

Eric Cartman

You'll never guess.

Stan Marsh

What?!

Eric Cartman

Guess.

Kyle Broflovski

God damn it, Cartman, what are they gonna say on Cop Drama?

Eric Cartman

You ready? Tonight... on Cop Drama... on TV... they're gonna say... "Sh*t."

Kyle Broflovski

They're gonna say sh*t on television?

Stan Marsh

They can't say sh*t on television.

Eric Cartman

It was just on the news! People are freakin' out, dude!

Stan Marsh

Holy fu*king sh*t.

Kenny McCormick

We gotta watch.

Eric Cartman

Yeah, I'm gonna have people over my house to see it.

Kyle Broflovski

But... but I've got these tickets to see Lion King on stage.

Eric Cartman

Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle. I said "sh*t" on television.

Kyle Broflovski

It's just a marketing ploy by the network. Like that time they had the first male-to-male kiss with Terrance and Phillip.

Stan Marsh

Oh, come on dude, this is history.

Kyle Broflovski

It's stupid.

Eric Cartman

Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?

Kyle Broflovski

No, I don't have sand in my vagina. I just think it's a little immature for us to be standing around, talking about one dumb word being on TV!

The boys are watching Cop Drama, waiting for the "S-Word" to drop. Kyle's had enough. He's off to the kitchen. Why? Because Kyle really doesn't give a fu*k!

Stan Marsh

Where you going, Kyle?

Kyle Broflovski

I'm going to the kitchen. This is stupid!

Stan Marsh

But you're gonna miss it. They're gonna say "sh*t" and you're gonna miss it.

Kyle Broflovski

I don't really give a fu*k!

Stan Marsh

Oh.

Thanks to the network making the "S-Word" acceptable for everyday use, South Park Elementary has had to introduce some new rules concerning its use. But it's still controversial.

Eric Cartman

Wow, this is gonna be great. A whole new word -

Kyle Broflovski

It's not new! I'm gonna look "sh*t" up in the encyclopaedia and prove it.

Eric Cartman

Don't mind Kyle, everyone. He's just got a little sand in his vagina.

Kyle Broflovski

There's no sand in my vagina!

Diane Choksondik

Boys, watch your language, sh*t!

So, that's how things are in Hollywood, huh? It's not so much "golden handshakes" as... well... why don't you tell them, Roger?

TV Executive

Sir, your "sh*t" idea has turned the entire network around. We're proud to work for you.

[The board applauds]

Roger

Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity, and I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, you are the most creative genius in Hollywood. And well, I'd let you have me if you wanted.

If you need to know the answer to a question, there are worse people to ask than Chef. He's always on hand to speak candidly on any subject.

Chef

Oh, hello there, children.

Boys

Hey, chef.

Kyle Broflovski

Chef, do you know where sh*t comes from?

Chef

Uh, from your ass, children.

Kyle Broflovski

No, no, no. The word "sh*t".

Chef

Ohh...

Eric Cartman

Detective Sandy Vagina here thinks that "sh*t" might have something to do with everyone getting sick.

Kyle Broflovski

It said in my book that the word "sh*t" started the exact same time as something called "The Black Death".

Chef

The Black Death? Are you sure?

Stan Marsh

What's The Black Death, Chef?

Chef

Latoya Jackson, children.

Boys

Ohh!

Big Gay Al is the town's new Scout Leader and his sexuality is causing unnecessary angst at the bar. I mean, just because he's gay doesn't mean he's a paedophile. But try telling them that.

Stuart McCormick

Look, I'm not saying the new Scout Leader's a bad person. I just don't think he should be a Scout Leader.

Randy Marsh

He got to where he is by being a good Scout, maybe we should just leave him alone.

Man

Well, how gay is he?

Stuart McCormick

He's really, really gay.

Man

Well then, I don't want my boy there either.

Randy Marsh

So, he's a homosexual. So what?

Stuart McCormick

I have nothing against homosexuals either, Randy. But the big camping trip is next week. Are you saying you're fine with this guy camping overnight, alone with our boys?

Man

You know, boys emulate authority figures. Even if it doesn't turn them gay, they can end up all talking all fem' and prancing around like girls.

Randy Marsh

Ah, that's ridiculous.

Father Maxi

People, people, please! You're forgetting that homosexuality is a choice. As many of you know, I myself went through a homosexual phase. But the light of Christ showed me how to change. Just give me two hours with this man and I can convert him back.

Man

That's what you said about Peterson. And then you ended up having sex with him.

Big Gay Al is out (if you'll pardon the pun) and Mister Grazier is in as the new Scout Master. He's rough, he's tough, he's ex-military and he's... a raving kiddie-fiddler.

Mister Grazier

All right, Scouts, I am your new Scout Master, Mister Grazier. Together, we are going to become the best, the sleekest, the most well-polished scout troop in all of Colorado. Isn't that right?

[His question is met with dumbfounded silence]

When I ask you a question, you will answer "Yes, Scout Master." Do I make myself clear?

Boys

Yes, Scout Master!

Mister Grazier

Good. Now, the first activity for this evening will be... naked pictures. I'm going to take some pictures of each of you naked... in case we need them for later.

Boys

Aww!

Mister Grazier

Oh, what is this?! If there's one thing I hate, it's a whiny platoon. "We don't wanna do push-ups! We don't wanna get up early! We don't wanna have you take naked pictures of us!"

Eric Cartman

Man, this guy sucks!

Mister Grazier

Now fall in and strip down, Scouts!

Not sure who the hell you'd use this message tone for, but that's your prerogative, my friend. I line 'em up, you knock 'em down. So, use this for any dirty mother-fu*ker you know today!

Jimmy Valmer

You dirty mother-fu*ker!

Eric and Kyle have become Blainetologists. Yes, they have joined David Blaine's evil (and imaginary) cult. And they're out spreading his word in the community. The retards.

Kyle Broflovski

Hello ma'am. My name is Kyle and this is Cartman. We'd like to share our interest in David Blaine with you.

Woman

Uh-oh. My husband warned me about you "Blaine-iacs". I'm sorry, but I'm a catholic.

Eric Cartman

It doesn't matter, ma'am. Blainetology is for everyone. There are Blainetologists who are Catholic, Buddhist, why, even Kyle here is a God damn Jew.

Kyle is having second thoughts about he and Eric being Blainetologists. There's suicide on the cards and he doesn''t want to die and make his family sad. And Eric doesn't have any pubes yet.

Kyle Broflovski

It's just me.

Eric Cartman

Brother Kyle, why do you disturb my rest?

Kyle Broflovski

Dude, I don't think I want to be part of this anymore.

Eric Cartman

What?

Kyle Broflovski

I think Stan might have been right. Anyway, I think it's going too far. I mean, if I kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad.

Eric Cartman

Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't want to die either. I haven't even got my pubes yet.

Eric has got some pubes. Not his. No. He's bought them for $10 from Scott Tenorman. And why would Scott Tenorman sell Eric his pubes? Because Eric is stupid enough to buy them!

Eric Cartman

You'll get your pubes, guys, someday.

Kyle Broflovski

Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself.

Eric Cartman

Wh-What?

Stan Marsh

When you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair that's attached to you, you fu*king dumb-ass!

Eric Cartman

Nah-ah.

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah-huh.

Eric Cartman

But then why would Scott Tenorman sell me his pubes for $10?

Kyle Broflovski

Because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for $10.

Eric Cartman

You're telling me these pubes are worth nothing?

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah.

Eric Cartman

I'm gonna get that son of a b**ch.

Radiohead. Scott Tenorman's favourite band. Eric writes to them, plotting the complete destruction of his sworn enemy. And Radiohead fall hook, line and sinker for his malevolent plans.

Jonny Greenwood

Thom, will you stop reading fan mail? We have work to do.

Thom Yorke

Just a second, fellas, listen to this. "Dear Radiohead. My name is Eric Cartman, I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy from South Park, Colorado. I'm writing to you because of a kid I know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies, alone and scared. Won't you please consider it? I don't think he'll make it past next Tuesday around five."

Clive Deamer

Wow, we have to go.

Ed O'Brien

To Colorado? But we've got an album to mix.

Thom Yorke

Didn't you hear the letter? This poor kid has cancer. In his ass!

Kyle has developed haemorrhoids and has been hospitalised. Not because of the haemorrhoid per se, but because he popped it trying to climb the fence into Eric's theme park, Cartmanland.

Gerald Broflovski

Oh, look, Kyle, your little friend Stan is here to see you.

Stan Marsh

Dude, you okay?

Kyle Broflovski

Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my haemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

There aren't words to describe this clip. Let's just say that some fifth-graders have shown Eric how to do something unmentionable to a dog.

Eric Cartman

Red rocket, red rocket, heh-heh, heh-heh! Red rocket, red rocket, heh-heh! Come on! Heh-heh-heh!

Stan Marsh

Cartman, what the hell are you doing?

Eric Cartman

I'm milking the dog, they make dog milk.

Kyle Broflovski

No they don't.

Kenny McCormick

Yeah they do!

Eric Cartman

Yes, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. Red rocket, come on, dog, red rocket.

[GARDEN ejaculates in Eric's face]

Oh, hoo!

Stan Marsh

Whoa, cool!

Kyle Broflovski

That's awesome!

Eric Cartman

I told you guys.

Stan Marsh

I had no ideas dogs made milk, do it again.

Eric Cartman

Dumb-ass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. It doesn't work if you beat off a dog again right away.

Kyle Broflovski

You "beat off"?

Eric Cartman

That's what it's called when you milk a dog. Beating it off. Don't you guys know anything?

Only in South Park could masturbating a dog become contagious. And Stan has done this in front of Sharon's Book Club. She has to deal with this.

Sharon Marsh

Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?

Stan Marsh

No!

Randy Marsh

Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. I... I mean... ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.

Condoms for kids? No. Just... no. Only in South Park would this... could this be a thing. Move along. There's nothing to see here.

Male Pharmacist

I just think that all this sex ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong.

Female Pharmacist

Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.

Stan Marsh

I'm glad this lady's on our side.

Male Pharmacist

I don't think we have any that will even fit them.

Female Pharmacist

Sure, we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for Kids. "Lil Minis", they're specially designed for kids under ten. And they're only $5.95 for a box of fifty.

I somehow doubt that when South Park Elementary was asked to provide its students with sex education, this was what they had in mind. Dear God, man. These are kindergarteners!

Mr. Garrison

Okay, children, now I want to review the different sexual positions. Who can tell me which sexual positions we talked about?

Filmore Anderson

Missionary Position.

Mr. Garrison

Missionary Position, good. A little boring, but tried and true. What else?

Girl

Doggie.

Mr. Garrison

That's right, Doggie-Style we went over, mm-hmm.

Quaid

Pile Driver.

Mr. Garrison

Uh-huh, Pile Driver position, good, Quaid.

Flora Larsen

The Filthy Sanchez.

Mr. Garrison

Yes, good, Flora, you remembered the Filthy Sanchez.

Boy

Hot Karl?

Towelie is an towel featuring AI. Yes. And you might think he sounds rather a lot like Mr. Hanky. And you'd be right.

Kyle Broflovski

Oh, crap.

Stan Marsh

What?

Kyle Broflovski

I'm supposed to go to the lake with my family tomorrow, and swim and play in the stupid sun.

Stan Marsh

Dude, we got Gamesphere.

Kyle Broflovski

I know, I know. Well, look, I'll stay over anyway so I can play for... eighteen hours. And then I'll go to the lake.

Towelie

Don't forget to bring a towel.

Stan Marsh

What?

Towelie

When you get out of the water, you need to dry off right away to avoid catching a cold. That's why Towelie says, "Don't forget to bring a towel."

Stan Marsh

Okay.

Kyle Broflovski

Thanks, Towelie.

Towelie

You wanna get high?

Stan Marsh

No.

What's worse than being in the cargo hold of a military plane on its way to Afghanistan? Sharing it with Eric. That's what.

Kyle Broflovski

Going to Afghanistan? Trapped in a small space for twenty hours. How could things get any worse?

[ERIC farts]

Boys

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Eric Cartman

Oh, you guys.

At South Park Milk, they strive for excellence. Their milk goes from udder to Tetrapak in minutes, as fresh as it comes. Almost like drinking it straight from the cow.

Manager

Here at South Park Milk, we strive for excellence. For instance, we are now entering the Extraction Room. As you can see, we keep it close to the Refrigeration Room. That way we can get the milk to the container as fast as possible. That's why some say South Park Milk tastes like you're sucking it right from the cow's tits yourself.

Kyle's cousin, also called Kyle, has come to stay in South Park. Kyle offers Eric $40 not to make fun of Kyle. Oh, and Kyle is Jewish. Well, both Kyles are Jewish. Sh*t, this is confusing!

Diane Choksondik

I'm sorry, Kyle you'll just have to make do. Now let's get back to the less -

Kyle Schwartz

Is it cold in here? I realise we're in the mountains, but do we have to freeze to death?

Diane Choksondik

Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate.

Eric Cartman

Ugh!

Diane Choksondik

Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class.

Eric Cartman

Maybe we'll have to send him to Concentration Camp. Argh! Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Kyle Broflovski

Cartman!