50 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of South Park (1997)

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The Tooth Fairy's... tats. I mean, I'm pretty sure that should be The Tooth Fairy's Tits but perhaps they were worried about censorship based on the title of the episode alone!

Eric Cartman

Mom! Mom! Mom, seriously! Something wonderful has happened!

Liane Cartman

What is it, snookums?

Eric Cartman

Mom, look! The tooth fairy! I put a tooth under my pillow and she gave me two dollars! She's only given me a lousy quarter before!

Liane Cartman

Oh my, she must think that you are a very special little muffin.

Eric Cartman

Yeah, this is so tits!

Liane Cartman

Don't say "Tits", Eric.

Eric Cartman

Oh, I mean, this is so cool!

So, I'm not the only one confused about Eric's sudden adoption of the use of the word "tits" to describe something good. Kyle doesn't get it, either.

Eric Cartman

Look at what the tooth fairy left me last night!

Stan Marsh

Two dollars. No way! For one tooth?

Eric Cartman

For one tooth!

Stan Marsh

Dude, every time I lost a tooth, I only got a quarter.

Kyle Broflovski

I only got a jar of Gefilte Fish.

Eric Cartman

Well, that doesn't matter because I have an idea that is totally tits!

Kyle Broflovski

Totally what?

Why does Liane Cartman have to rest her throat before work? Is she a singer? An announcer? A sword-swallower. Well yes, she does swallow swords. Of sorts. Pork swords, that is.

Liane Cartman

♪
Tucky-Tucky time!
It's the best time of the night.

Eric Cartman

I love that song, mom. Sing it again!

Liane Cartman

No, honey, mommy's got to save her throat. I have to work tonight!

Loogie is about to make the boys an offer they can't refuse. Largely because either they take on the South Park tooth racket at two percent or have their penises cut off. It's a no-brainer, really!

Loogie

What do I do with you?

Gangster

Raarr!

Loogie

Tell you what, how would you like to run the South Park tooth racket for me?

Stan Marsh

Oh, I don't know.

Loogie

It's that or I can cut off you penises.

Eric Cartman

Hmmm, work for you, or have my penis cut off. Work for you, or have my -

Kyle Broflovski

Cartman!

Stan Marsh

How much do we get if we work for you?

Loogie

I'll cut you in at two percent.

Eric Cartman

Two percent or have my penis cut off... two percent -

Stan Marsh

We're in!

Lizzy. She's like the female equivalent of Eric Cartman. I mean, she's prettier and not as fat but she certainly has a potty mouth.

Lizzy

We want to use the sleds now, butt pirates!

Stan Marsh

Sleds are for guys.

Eric Cartman

Yeah! Why don't you chicks go wash some dishes or get pregnant or something?!

Lizzy

These are the school's sleds, ass rammers, not yours!

Stan Marsh

Look, girls don't even know how to sled. Do something else.

Lizzy

I bet we can sled ten times better than you, doughnut punchers!

Kyle Broflovski

Oh yeah?!

Girls

Yeah!

Eric Cartman

We'd kick your girlie asses, sledding!

Lizzy

How about a race down a real hill, then?!

Girls

Yeah!

Stan Marsh

You got it!

Boys

Yeah!

Lizzy

Your best four sledders against our best four sledders!

Stan Marsh

No problem!

Lizzy

Then we'll see you this Saturday on Phil Collins Hill!

Kyle Broflovski

Phil Collins Hill on Saturday! You got it!

Lizzy

See you there! And may the best woman win, turd burglars!

Poor Clyde. Not only has he been unceremoniously ditched from the boys sledding team, but he's been denounced as a fat fu*k. It's just not Clyde's day, now is it?!

Stan Marsh

Okay, we've figured it out. To add more weight to the sled, we're gonna use these bricks but we're gonna cover 'em with kid's clothes so that the girls think it's another kid!

Pip Pirrip

Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

Clyde Donovan

So I don't get to be on the team now?

Boys

Shut up, fatass!

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah, why don't you go eat some more pork rinds or something, you fat fu*k?!

The clue is in the name, Kyle. The clue is in the name!

Kyle Broflovski

Dude, I didn't know Token lived so far away.

Stan Marsh

Yeah. You know, they bus in people from different races to our school to promote cultural diversity.

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah. But isn't Token the only one?

Stan Marsh

Yeah.

The whole of Mr. Garrison's class have been (wrongly) diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder and have been prescribed Ritalin. Which makes them... boring!

Mr. Garrison

Okay, children, let's settle down. I mean it, I want quiet. My God, Mr. Hat, these children are so boring on Ritalin. All right, children, today we're going to learn about human reproduction! What do you think about that? Vaginas and penises... butt sex. Damn it, Eric, don't you have some smart-ass thing to say?

Eric Cartman

What kind of smart-ass thing would I say, Mr. Garrison?

Marvin Marsh is old-school. He believes that exposing a boy to the arts will automatically turn him gay. And sadly, geriatric euthanasia is still illegal in most countries, so we're stuck with him!

Marvin Marsh

Why the hell do you wanna take these boys to see that "fufu" French theatre crap?! You're gonna turn them into "poofters".

Sharon Marsh

Dad, Stanley needs to see the arts.

Marvin Marsh

Well, he, doesn't need to see a bunch of frogs prance around in tights and make-up wrapping their peckers around each other's faces!

Sharon Marsh

Come on everybody, let's go.

Marvin Marsh

Close your eyes and cover your ears, Billy! Remember, you're a man!

Just what did Marvin do to the grandmother of the Romanian quintets? Can you guess? Here's a clue. She used to be a contortionist and Marvin is constantly horny. You picturing it now? Yeah. Yuk.

Sharon Marsh

What should we do, Randy? I like these Romanians, fine, but I hope that old woman isn't planning on staying here much longer.

Randy Marsh

Yeah, it's eleven o'clock and she's still sleeping.

Sharon Marsh

Poor dear, must be tired.

Marvin Marsh

You're damn right she's tired.

Stan Marsh

Huh?

Marvin Marsh

Oh nothin'. She's just gonna have a little trouble walkin' today is all.

The quintuplets' grandmother has died in her sleep. Stan has to break the news. And how does he choose to do it? Despicably. That's how!

Sharon Marsh

I don't know how to tell them, you tell them.

Stan Marsh

Uh, girls, we have some bad news.

Quintuplet

What?

Stan Marsh

Umm... everyone who has a grandma, step forward. Uh, not so fast girls.

[SHARON gasps in horror]

Oh, good God! Eric has decided to seek more mature friends than the ones he has. So he's gone on-line. Where he's sure to find LOADS of older "friends" who want to chat!

Eric Cartman

I've outgrown all my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Claude Frog. Oh, great idea, Claude Frog! I can meet new friends on the internet!

[ERIC starts browsing the internet]

Here's a chat room. "Men who like young boys". That's perfect!

[ERIC begins typing an introduction for himself]

Hi, everybody. I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight-years-old and would li -

[Private messages begin flying onto ERIC'S screen]

Wow, look at all these guys that want to be my friend! I'll pick tony316.
Hi, tony.
So, what are you into?
Oh, you know the usual stuff. Smiley face.
Kewl, wanna get together? Smiley face.
Sure, tony, that would be cool. Winking smiley face.
Meet me at Mel's Buffet restaurant tomorrow morning!
Sounds good, see you then! Clown hat, curly hair, smiley face.

Tony needs shooting. And I don't mean a quick, painless double-tap to the forehead. No. I mean kneecaps followed by balls followed by stomach. He's a predator. Kill him with fire!

Eric Cartman

Hi, are you Tony?

Tony

Yeah, you're Eric?

Eric Cartman

Yeah!

Tony

I brought you some candy.

Eric Cartman

Wow, cool!

Tony

And some books on Kama Sutra.

Tony has been arrested for soliciting Eric. Eric has gone back on-line to try to find another friend. And it doesn't take him long to find one. Shocker!

Eric Cartman

Okay, we'll try this again.
Hi, everyone. I am a young boy looking for fun times with older male. I like to -

[As before, messages start flying in from on-line predators]

Oh, this one looks good, "Hung Daddy."
Hello, hung daddy!
Hi. I'm eight and a half inches.
Damn dude, this guy is tiny. He must be a dwarf.
Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Frowny face.

Kenny has laced his mother's vodka tipple with an entire jar of "Pregnant No More" to eradicate his unborn sibling. Problem is, his father drinks it instead. And then this happens!

[STUART McCORMICK'S stomach begins to gurgle violently]

Carol McCormick

What's the matter?

Kenny McCormick

Uh-oh!

Stuart McCormick

Oh, God. I'm gonna crap my pants!

[He makes it to the toilet just in time]

Oh, GOD! Oh, my balls! Oh, God!

Who doesn't need a ringtone or message tone of Stuart McCormick suffering from explosive diarrhoea with simultaneous vomiting and nosebleeds?!

[STUART McCORMICK suffers the effects of consuming an entire jar of Pregnant No More morning-after pills

Mr. Garrison has been suspended indefinitely from teaching, largely because of his predilection for under-age boys. And now he's turned his hand to writing a romance novel. Hmm.

Mr. Garrison

Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees went weak. Slowly he pulled her top down, exposing her soft, unyielding breasts. Oh, yeah, now this is getting good.Just the sight of those breasts made Reginald's penis very hard. His penis was of considerable size and now beads of sweat ran slowly down his penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer, fresh from out of the pool. It was a fantastic penis that seemed as strong as a horse's leg, yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk. What a grand, grand penis! Diana's nipples... Oh, let's see. Diana's nipples... Oh, writer's block, writer's block! Hmm, crap, I'm stuck! Oh, well, maybe that's enough writing for tonight, Mr. Hat.

Who knew that South Park Elementary would have a debating team or that Eric would be a champion at it? Well, I say champion but he actually just gets fed up and goes home, bring the debate to an end!

Mr. Wyland

I see that you've already had a lot of interesting debates this year. Pro-Choice vs. Cartman, pro-Gun control vs. Cartman, and people against the clubbing of baby seals vs. Cartman. And apparently, the winner of all your debates so far has been Cartman.

Eric Cartman

Thaaaaat's right!

Kyle Broflovski

Cartman doesn't always win! He just gets p*ssed off and goes home, so we can't debate any more!

Class

Yeah!

Eric Cartman

Nu-uh, I'm just a better debater than you guys!

Stan Marsh

You don't even know what you're debating about half the time!

Eric Cartman

Yes, I do!

Craig

No, you don't!

Eric Cartman

Oh yeah? Well, screw you guys, I'm going home!

[ERIC CARTMAN storms out of the classroom]

Kyle Broflovski

Told ya.

Mr. Garrison is not a Klan member. But Mr. Hat is. And since Mr. Hat lives on Mr. Garrison's right hand, they have to go to these meetings together. Must be excruciatingly embarrassing for him!

Ku Klux Klan

WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER!

Sheila Broflovski

Mr. Garrison! You're a Klan member?

Mr. Garrison

No, no, but Mr. Hat is.

Mr. Hat

White power! White power!

Mr. Garrison

Ugh, you're such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat!

When they've finished chanting, "White Power!", Klan members like nothing more than to take a nice hot shower. Hot Shower! Hot Shower! Hot Shower!

Klan Leader

Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a hot shower.

Klan Members

Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot...

What if KKK meetings were like normal meetings? With proper minutes and agendas and "any other business." And cake. Lots and lots of cake!

Klan Leader

Good evening, brothers! Our first order of business tonight is to have brother Anderson update us on last week's minutes.

Brother Anderson

Last week we decided that we hate blacks and Jews. A lot.

Klan Leader

All right, and now, it is time for us all to come together and do our cake raffle!

Wendy has an embarrassing confession to make to her best friend in the world, Bebe. She needs to confess that she's fallen for Eric Cartman. Bebe is not going to take this news very well.

Wendy Testaburger

Thanks for coming over, Bebe. I have something to tell you.

Bebe Stephens

Sure, what?

Wendy Testaburger

Bebe, I'm attracted to Cartman.

[BEBE screams]

I know.

The boys are holding open auditions for a fifth member of their boy band, "Fingerbang". Yes, that's what they've actually called their band. Fingerbang. Finger... bang.

[WENDY walks into the audition room]

Eric Cartman

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no! Sorry, Wendy. This is try-outs for a boyband.

Stan Marsh

Oh, come on dude, let her try.

Eric Cartman

No way!

Kyle Broflovski

Come on, cartman, you haven't liked anybody else.

Eric Cartman

Okay, okay, fine. Wow me!

Wendy Testaburger

♪
Mrs. Landers was a health nut,
she cooked food in a wok.
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend,
and he had a great big -
C*ck-A-Doodle-Doodle,
the rooster just won't quit.
And I don't want my breakfast,
because it taste like -
Shih Tzus make good house pets,
they're cuddly and sweet.
Monkeys aren't good to have,
because they like to beat their -
Meeting in the office,
a meeting in the hall.
The boss he wants to see you,
so you can suck his -
Balzac was a writer,
he lived with Allen Funt.
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him,
but that's 'cause she's a -
Contaminated water,
can really make you sick.
Your bladder gets infected,
and blood comes out your -
Dictate what I'm saying,
'cause it will bring you luck.
And if you all don't like it,
I don't give a flying fu*k!

[KYLE, STAN and KENNY applaud]

Eric Cartman

Thanks, Wendy. Don't call us. We won't call you either.

[Laughs]

Eric is about to find out the true meaning behind the name of his boyband. And, typically, it's Kenny that has to explain it. It's always the quiet ones, am I right?!

Stan Marsh

Hey Cartman, what does "Fingerbang" mean anyways?

Eric Cartman

I heard it on HBO It means like, you know, when you pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.

Kenny McCormick

That's not what it means.

Stan Marsh

Kenny says that's not what it means.

Eric Cartman

Okay, Kenny, what does fingerbang mean then?

Kenny McCormick

It's when you take your finger and you stick it in a girl's...

Eric Cartman

What! Who the hell would do that?!

Eric has used an old video tape for the band's audition. And when his recording ends, one of his mother's is revealed. And it's not good. Not good at all.

Mr. Mackey

Oh, Mrs. Cartman, I've been very bad, m-kay?

Liane Cartman

You have been bad, Mr. Mackey. So you're going to have to drink from this glass.

[LIANE CARTMAN is seen urinating into a glass]

Mr. Mackey

Oh, yeah, that makes me hot.

Eric Cartman

Oh, mom!

This is the new, decidedly drum 'n bass inspired theme tune, introduced as of Season 4, Episode 11.

[Opening titles theme v2.0]

Our little third-graders are now fourth-graders. And being fourth-graders, they feel the need to make a stand and assert themselves with their new teacher. Show her who's boss, so to speak.

Stan Marsh

Hey, listen up everybody. We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves. Let's all do something radical.

Clyde Donovan

Like what?

Stan Marsh

Like, how about right at 8:35, we all jump up on our desk, pull down our pants and shout, "kiss my ass" all together.

Class

Yeah!

Eric Cartman

Perfect!

Butters

But when we pull our pants down should we stand frontways or back? I mean, do we show our behinds or our wieners?

Stan Marsh

I think showing our asses will be quite sufficient, Butters.

Butters

Maybe we could stand like this, with our wieners poking through the back of our legs, y'know, give her a nice fruit bowl.

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah, or we could just show our asses.

If you were a teacher and your last name was Choksondik, would you not change it? I mean, what normal class of nine-year-olds wouldn't take the p*ss?

Ms. Choksondik

All right, children, quiet down. Welcome to the fourth grade.

Kyle Broflovski

Holy God, dude.

Kenny McCormick

Her titties are fu*kin' huge!

Ms. Choksondik

My name is Ms. Choksondik.

Stan Marsh

More like, "Makesmesick."

[Laughs]

The mystery surrounding Mr. Garrison's disappearance isn't a mystery at all. His predilection for under-age boys was what ended his career and now he lives in a cave. Where he rightly belongs.

Ms. Chocksondik

I have had it! These children are out of control. I must speak with their last year's teacher, Mr. Garrison.

Principal Victoria

As we said before, that's impossible.

Ms. Chocksondik

What in God's name happened to him?

Chef

Uh, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Garrison had several, uh, emotional issues. He was a closet homosexual who hated gay people. Whenever someone asked him if he was gay, he'd go nuts.

Principal Victoria

Then he was accused of trying to solicit sex from a young boy.

Mr. Mackey

After being dismissed from teaching, he went off to write romance novels. His first novel sold very well and everything was fine until he found out that his novel won the gay Pulitzer Prize and was considered the best homoerotic novel since Huckleberry Finn.

Principal Victoria

He finally snapped and had a nervous breakdown, and went up into the mountains to live in solitude.

Chef

Some say that on cold nights you can still hear him moaning, "I'm not gay! I'm not gay!"

[As awkward silence descends, MR. GARRISON can be heard shouting from the mountain range]

Mr. Garrison

I'm not gay! I'm not gay!

Ms. Choksondik has tracked down the elusive Mr. Garrison and sought his counsel with regards the little bastards he used to teach and who she is now royally stuck with.

Mr. Garrison

Do you know what it is to be a teacher, Ms...

Ms. Choksondik

Choksondik.

Mr. Garrison

No I don't, it's a lie!

No, Mr. Garrison. When a child says, "suck my balls!", you send them to the Headteacher's office or call their parents. You do not ask the child to present his balls. You sick fu*k.

Mr. Garrison

Look, you can't counter a profane command with an idle threat. You must extinguish it with a vulgar suggestion. When a child says, "Suck my balls!", you say, "Present them!"

Kyle has had about as much as he can take of Eric's constant narcissism. And his constant mockery is going to lead to his Trapper Keeper being lodged firmly up his rectum.

Eric Cartman

Well, "nobody gives a crap about your trapper keeper, Cartman."

Kyle Broflovski

I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!

For their production of Helen Keller! The Musical, the boys need a turkey. A very special turkey. A turkey with an Equity card who does their own stunts. The hunt is on...

Farmer

What kind of turkey are you looking for?

Kyle Broflovski

A smart one that can do tricks!

Farmer

Well, I ain't got a whole lot left, it being almost Thanksgiving and all. But go ahead, just pick one out.

Timmy

Timmy!

Farmer

Oh, that one's a little messed up. Not exactly the pick of the litter.

Timmy

Hahgh!

Kyle Broflovski

Uh, timmy, if we go back to other kids with that turkey, they're gonna be p*ssed.

Timmy

Timmy!

Farmer

Yeah, best you not take that one. I was just about to take it out in the yard and put a bullet in its head.

Kyle Broflovski

What, aw, dude, don't say that!

Timmy

Timmy, Timmy!

Kyle Broflovski

All right, we'll take him. How much?

Farmer

Fifty bucks.

Kyle Broflovski

But you were just gonna take it in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!

Farmer

I know, now i gotta find something else to shoot!

Kyle Broflovski

Goddammit, here! Alright, Timmy, let's go.

Farmer

I've got a one-legged pig if you'd like, too.

Kyle Broflovski

Aw, blow it out your ass!

You can see why Pip was so enamoured with Estelle, can't you? I mean... she speaks so seductively. And the pet names she already has for young Pip...

Malcolm McDowell

Well, the very next day, Pip went to old Miss Havesham's house to inquire about the job. And it was there that he met the girl of his dreams.

Estelle

Who are you?

Pip Pirrup

I've come to answer the want ad.

Estelle

Is that so, you smelly little bastard?

Pip Pirrup

What?!

Estelle

This way, you pathetic squirt of vaginal discharge. This way, you beef-witted shrivelled-up monkey's penis. Up here, you gamey mass of baby vomit. In here.

Pip Pirrup

Oh, after you, miss.

Estelle

I'm not going in there, you stupid puddle of a homeless man's urine.

If you want advice about girls, there are a number of people you can turn to for a sensible answer. And then there's Joe, the town Blacksmith. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Pip

Joe, do you know anything about girls?

Joe

Sure. They're those things with vaginas in 'em.

Well, I'm so glad that Mr. Pocket clarified that. I mean, I'm not sure you'd have found any, erm... "bum fun" in Great Expectations but always nice to be clear and concise.

Mr. Pocket

Oh, what a gay time we shall have! And I do mean "gay" as in festive, not as in penetration of the bum.

Almost the entire town have gathered to tell Eric that they care about him so much that they've all contributed towards the cost of sending him to fat camp. Eric is not best please by this news!

Eric Cartman

What the hell's going on?

Liane Cartman

Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to have a "talk" with you.

Mr. Mackey

Eric, your friends and your family are all concerned about your weight, m'kay?

Eric Cartman

What?

E.R. Doctor

We believe that you might have a problem.

Eric Cartman

You're goddamn right I have a problem! "Terrance and Phillip" is on and I don't have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell is this?!

Mr. Garrison

It's called intervention, Eric.

Liane Cartman

Your friends and I have all chipped in and we're going to send you up to a weight management retreat.

Eric Cartman

Fat camp?

E.R. Doctor

Yes, fat camp.

Eric Cartman

All right, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, but I am sure as hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!

Mr. Mackey

Now, Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.

Mr. Garrison

Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you.

Eric has arrived at Hopeful Hills. It's fat camp, including condescending counsellors and an abundance of tubby children. I guess I'm not selling this very well, am I? No.

Counsellor Rick

Wait a second, do you kids hear something? Why, I could've swore that -

Counsellor Susan

Rrrar!

Counsellor Nick

Oh no, kids, it's glutinous fat!

Counsellor Susan

I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow.

Counsellor Rick

Oh, what are we going to do? Wait, I know. I can knock it out with exercise! And proper diet.

Counsellor Susan

Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have killed me.

Counsellor Rick

I guess we took care of that bad old fat, didn't we, kids?

Dumb Kid

Yeah!

Counsellor Rick

Well, hold on a second, because that glutinous fat was really our good friend Susan! Who's another weight counselor!

Dumb Kid

Heh, it was a lady in a costume.

Eric Cartman

Will somebody put this retard out of his misery?

It's true. Eric did spend some time in prison. You remember? And he smuggled things in to prison up his ass. Remember that, too?

Girl

I have to have sugar or I'm gonna die.

Eric Cartman

Yeah, well, when i was in prison, we used to sneak stuff in by hiding it up our ass.

Boy

I've got some fudge hidden up my ass, you want some?

Eric Cartman

Pssh! Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again.

Kyle and Stan are discussing Eric Cartman. They do that quite a lot. But not usually so earnestly. And they're both about to discover something they'd forgotten. Neither of them like Eric.

Kyle Broflovski

Dude, I don't know if I'm gonna like the new Eric Cartman.

Stan Marsh

Did you like the old one?

Kyle Broflovski

Good point.

Chef is the "go to guy" for anything the boys want to know but daren't ask anyone else. But that's not to say that Chef is happy about that arrangement. Not happy at all.

Chef

Hello there, children.

Children

Hey, Chef!

Stan Marsh

Chef, what's a prostitute?

Chef

Dag nabbit, children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be asking me questions I shouldn't be answering? "Chef, what's a clitoris? What's a lesbian, Chef? How come they call it a rim job, Chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say, "Hi, Chef, nice day, isn't it?"

Stan Marsh

Hi, Chef, nice day, isn't it?

Chef

It sure is, thank you.

Stan Marsh

Chef, what's a prostitute?

Kenny is being interviewed by Howard Stern alongside Tom Green and Johnny Knoxville. Howard Stern has a troubling challenge for them. But just who will accept?

Howard Stern

Now, some people think that all you guys do is perform sick and disgusting acts for shock value and money, which makes you whores. But I'd like to prove them wrong. So what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna offer each of you fifty-thousand dollars to give me oral sex right now.

Tom Green

I'm in.

Johnny Knoxville

Me too!

Kenny McCormick

And me!

Howard Stern

Oh!

Tom Green

Fine, I'll do it for forty then.

Johnny Knoxville

Thirty.

Tom Green

Twenty!

Kenny McCormick

Ten bucks.

Howard Stern

Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten bucks.

Tom Green

Dammit, I'm out.

Johnny Knoxville

Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.

Howard Stern

All right, let's get going then, can we cut the cameras?

Something tells me that this isn't going to end well. Because if this works out for Kyle, every kid in South Park is going to pull the same stunt. There will be no parents left within ten days.

Kyle Broflovski

It's so unfair! How could my parents do that to me?

Stan Marsh

Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.

Kyle Broflovski

They're evil. I wish I didn't have any parents!

Eric Cartman

Well... you could make them go away for a while.

Kyle Broflovski

How?

Eric Cartman

Well, I mean, you could call the police and have them take your parents away.

Stan Marsh

The police?

Eric Cartman

Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta do is call the police and say that your parents both "molestered" you.

Kyle Broflovski

What's that?

Eric Cartman

I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.

Kyle Broflovski

Wow! Three months without parents!

Kenny McCormick

That's awesome!

Stan Marsh

But what do the police do to them?

Kyle Broflovski

Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get! They're liars and cheats!

Eric Cartman

You have to make it convincing, though, when you call the police. You have to be like, "my parents molestered me!"

Kyle Broflovski

My parents molestered me.

Eric Cartman

No, but you gotta cry, like this... "my parents molestered me." And then they'll say something like, "was it good touch or bad touch?" And you say, "it was good touch." No, wait, you say it was bad touch.

Kyle Broflovski

What's bad touch?

Eric Cartman

Something about a swimsuit, I don't remember. But you definitely answer "bad touch."

Kyle Broflovski

Okay. Molestered, bad touch.

Eric Cartman

Yeah, and cry.

[KYLE cries, convincingly]

Eric Cartman

Oh, he's ready.

Every adult in South Park is now in prison on false accusations of child molestation. What did I tell you? Kyle started this bullsh*t and now everyone is doing hard time with a weird-ass counsellor.

Prison Counsellor

During your prison time, you will all be spending one hour a day in therapy here with me. What I want you to do, is learn to control those sick, sexual urges you have. Now we're gonna try an exercise. I'm gonna confront you with what you lust after most.

[The COUNSELLOR goes out of shot and then returns, pulling a life-sized black & white cut out of a child on wheels]

All right, parents, now, I know this is difficult, but i want you to just look at this child. Just try to suppress your urges to molest him.

Cartman sneezing on his back should be the very least of Kyle's worries. I mean, he's chest-deep in effluent. Faeces. Human sh*t. Call it what you like, but it's not healthy.

Kyle Broflovski

Dude, you sneezed on my back!

Eric Cartman

Oh sorry, you might get some germs while you're walking around in human faeces.

Kyle has finally found Mr. Hankey in the sewer. But Mr. Hankey now has a family. A wife and three sh*tty children. And I don't mean that in a deprecating manner... they're actually sh*t.

Kyle Broflovski

Hello?

Mr. Hankey

Howdy-ho!

Kyle Broflovski

Mr. Hankey! Oh, we were so worried. I was waiting up for you and you didn't come so I thought that -

Mr. Hankey

Oh no, I'm fine, Kyle.

Kyle Broflovski

But where have you been? Things aren't the same without you. Nobody seems to have the Christmas spirit.

Mr. Hankey

Oh, I know, Kyle. I've just been awful busy with my family. Honey!

Kyle Broflovski

Family?

Mr. Hankey

Boys, I want you to meet my wife, Autumn.

Autumn Hankey

Howdy hey, kids. Would you like a drink?

Mr. Hankey

They're too young to drink, honey.

Autumn Hankey

Oh hell, it's Christmas.

Mr. Hankey

Oh, and you have to meet the little nuggets, too. Kids! This is our son, Cornwallis.

Cornwallis Hankey

Howdy-ho!

Mr. Hankey

Our daughter, Amber.

Amber Hankey

Howdy-ho!

Mr. Hankey

And our son, Simon.

Simon Hankey

Nnn, hey!

Mr. Hankey

Simon's not so smart. He was born with a peanut in his head.

Well, if there were an award for the most irrelevant statistics, this newsreader would definitely win it. I mean, it's certainly factually accurate, but the survey seemed to go "off-piste."

Newsreader

And in other news tonight, it appears that everyone is officially sick of Christmas! In an SPC poll, thirty-eight percent said they were fed up and tired of the holiday. Five percent said they were indifferent to it. And a whopping fifty-seven percent said they would kick Bon Jovi square in the balls if given the opportunity.

Butters is a very strange little boy. Having made the animated characters for the group's Christmas film, he can't help but play out a fictional scene between himself and a cut-out of Barbie.

Butters

"Oh, hey there, good-looking, what's your name?"
"Ah, Butters, ma'am."
"Oh, Butters, would you like to slap my titties around?"
Whoa, well, ah... no thanks, ma'am. I'll get in trouble again.

The boys are recording the audio for their forthcoming Christmas Spirit movie. They have a studio and a Sound Engineer but they can't seem to see eye to eye on festive traditions.

Stan Marsh

Okay, here's the script. But it doesn't have an ending.

Kyle Broflovski

No ending? Well, we can't animate until we have our voices recorded, so we better just record what we have and figure out the ending later.

Sound Engineer

Okay, talk directly into the mike and don't hit any hard "p"s.

Kyle Broflovski

What's a hard "p"?

Eric Cartman

You know, first thing in the morning when it just won't come out?

Kyle Broflovski

Oh yeah.

Jewish people don't habitually celebrate Christmas. They can of course but this paradox is causing some issues amongst the boys.

Sound Engineer

Uh, hmm, okay, and...

Boys

♪
We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas -

Stan Marsh

Hey, wait a minute!

Kyle Broflovski

What?

Stan Marsh

Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?

Kyle Broflovski

Well, yes, I think so.

Stan Marsh

Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas, you're supposed to sing Hanukkah songs.

Kyle Broflovski

♪
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
I made you out of clay.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel -

Eric Cartman

He-he-he-he-he, Hanukkah sucks.

Kyle Broflovski

Don't you oppress me, fat boy!

Eric Cartman

Don't call me fat, butt-fu*ker!

Kyle Broflovski

Then don't belittle my people, you fu*king fat-ass!

Stan Marsh

Guys, knock it off, we have to record this.

[The SOUND ENGINEER is laughing]

Sound Engineer

Dude, that was awesome.

Stan Marsh

What's awesome?

Sound Engineer

The script, it's sweet.

Stan Marsh

That's not in the script, they do this all the time.

Sound Engineer

Well, it should be in the script. All that, you're fat and you're a Jew and stuff. It's great!