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40 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of South Park (1997)

South Park needs no introduction. Following the lives of four friends (Eric, Kenny, Kyle and Stan) growing up in a small Colorado town, it's a smorgasbord of sick and twisted humour crafted by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Now in its twenty-third season, this is another title which will take quite some time to catch up with.

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Timestamp: 2023-12-15 | Added: 2023-10-04
South Park

South Park | Season 3

© 1997 MTV Entertainment Studios

South Park needs no introduction. Following the lives of four friends (Eric, Kenny, Kyle and Stan) growing up in a small Colorado town, it's a smorgasbord of sick and twisted humour crafted by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Now in its twenty-third season, this is another title which will take quite some time to catch up with.

UPDATED: | CLIPS: 190

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!

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Clip 1

S03 E01: "Rainforest Schmainforest"

Miss Stevens is the choir master for the dubiously named Getting Gay with Kids. No, I sh*t you not. That's actually what she's called her children's choir group. No wonder nobody wants to join!

Download Clip 0305-101 to your PC / Mac  

Mr. Garrison

Okay, children. We have a special guest today. A woman recruiting young people for a national choir tour. Now I know that choir tours are totally stupid and lame, but please give her your full attention. Go ahead.

Miss Stevens

Uh, thank you Mr. Garrison. How are we all doing, today?

[The CLASS sit in stunned silence, staring at her]

I can't hear you! I said how are we all doing?

[ERIC CARTMAN farts]

Mr. Garrison

Eric Cartman, you say excuse me! Go ahead.

Miss Stevens

Children, we're a national choir called Getting Gay with Kids. We're gonna do a big tour down in Central America to help save the rainforest and you can be a part of it.

Kenny McCormick

This is fu*kin stupid!

Mr. Garrison

Kenny McCormick, you speak when you're spoken to! Go ahead.

Miss Stevens

You see, we take kids from all over the country and put them in a choir, where they sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforests.

Little Boy

Did you know over ten thousand acres of rainforest are bulldozed every year?

Little Girl

That's right and over thirty percent of the world's oxygen is made in the rainforests.

Miss Stevens

So who wants to join the fun?

Eric Cartman

What if you don't have any rhythm?

Miss Stevens

Excuse me?

Eric Cartman

Like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.

Kyle Broflovsky

Shut up, fatass! Choirs suck!

Mr. Garrison

Kyle Broflofsky, you watch your language! Eric Cartman, you be nice to people! Stan Marsh, you mind your manners! Kenny McCormick, you pay attention! Go ahead.

Miss Stevens

Well that's all really. So if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.

Eric Cartman

Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper.

Mr. Garrison

All right! That does it!

Clip 2

S03 E01: "Rainforest Schmainforest"

A perfect ringtone or message tone for your boss or a colleague you really don't like. Someone who keeps dumping on you and whom you hate answering calls from. You're welcome.

Download Clip 0305-102 to your PC / Mac  Download this clip in Apple M4R (ringtone) format

Eric Cartman

Aah, man. This is gonna suck donkey balls.

Clip 3

S03 E01: "Rainforest Schmainforest"

Getting Gay with Kids isn't a popular choir. Particularly when they stumble upon some freedom fighters in the middle of the rainforest. They're really not picking up what they're laying down!

Download Clip 0305-103 to your PC / Mac  

Choir


Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore,
We're spreading awareness like never before.

Miss Stevens

Oh, Kyle! Please!

Choir


Getting Gay with Kids is here -

Militia Leader

- Enough!

Miss Stevens

Well, we hope our gift of song has warmed your hearts.

Militia Leader

We're not getting gay with any kids, okay?!

Clip 4

S03 E01: "Rainforest Schmainforest"

Eric has done his usual. "Screw you guys, I'm going home." Only, this time he's got lost in the rainforest. Luckily, he stumbles upon a crew deforesting the area because he's starving.

Download Clip 0305-104 to your PC / Mac  

Eric Cartman

Mister, you gotta help me, I'm starvin' to death!

Workman

What are you doing here, little boy?

Eric Cartman

I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rainforest, and I need some food, I'm fading fast!

Workman

Lost in the rainforest? Oh my Lord! Where are all the others?

Eric Cartman

Food! I have to have food!

Workman

Oh my God! Get this child some food quick!

Eric Cartman

Chicken wings.

Workman

Chicken wings!

Eric Cartman

Medium spicy.

Clip 5

S03 E01: "Rainforest Schmainforest"

Funny, isn't it? Funny how people with the most heart-felt and devout views can change their minds when they're tied to a stake and about to be burned alive by an indigenous tribe.

Download Clip 0305-105 to your PC / Mac  

Miss Stevens

Alright! That does it! Goddam stupid-ass rainforest! This stupid place fu*king sucks! I was wrong! Fu*k the rainforest! I fu*king hate it! I fu*king hate it!

Stan Marsh

Oh now she figures it out!

Clip 6

S03 E01: "Rainforest Schmainforest"

Miss Stevens has changed the choir's song to reflect her newly-adopted views of the rainforest. Can you spot how her feelings might have changed?

Download Clip 0305-106 to your PC / Mac  

Miss Stevens

And...

Choir


There a place called the rainforest that truly sucks ass,
Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
You say "save the rainforest" but what do you know?
You've never been to the rainforest before.
Getting Gay with Kids is here to tell you things you might not like to hear.
You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.
All you activists can go fu*k yourselves.

Clip 7

S03 E02: "Spontaneous Combustion"

Be careful what your children can hear. Because they can easily get entirely the wrong idea. Take Kyle, for instance. He knows his dad can't get a "nerection" so he wants to get him one!

Download Clip 0305-107 to your PC / Mac  

Stan Marsh

Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?

Kyle Broflovski

No, I don't think so.

Kenny McCormick

How about this?

Kyle Broflovski

No, that's a hair dryer.

Shopkeeper

Can I help you find something?

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah, do you have any nerections?

Shopkeeper

Any what?

Kyle Broflovski

I need to get a nerection for my dad.

Shopkeeper

Very funny, boys! Go on, beat it!

Stan Marsh

Why is that funny?

Eric Broflovski

Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time, and everyone says it's because he doesn't have a nerection, so I wanna get him one.

[The boys are thrown out of the store]

Kyle Broflovski

Dammit! What the hell is wrong with everybody?

Stan Marsh

That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of! Why is it so hard to get a nerection?

Kyle Broflovski

I just want a nerection so I can give it to my mom.

Passer-by

What?!

Clip 8

S03 E02: "Spontaneous Combustion"

Kyle's search for a "nerection" for his father continues. Much to Randy Marsh's surprise.

Download Clip 0305-108 to your PC / Mac  

Stan Marsh

Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad a nerection.

Randy Marsh

Yes, yes, of course, I've got work to do.

[It takes a while for the penny to drop]

What?!

Clip 9

S03 E02: "Spontaneous Combustion"

A law mandating all South Park citizens to pass wind has been passed. So... the passing of a pass wind law. Nothing will be like it was in the past now that's been passed. Ahem.

Download Clip 0305-109 to your PC / Mac  

Liane Cartman

Oh hello, boys. Have you seen Eric around anywhere?

Stan Marsh

Oh... we've been taking care of him.

Liane Cartman

Oh, all right. I was just at the store buying some apples.

Stan Marsh

Apples?

Liane Cartman

Yes. Apples.

[LIANE farts]

Apples. Get it?

[STAN and KYLE cover their faces to avoid the stench of LIANE'S toot]

Kyle Broflovski

Dude! Fu*k!

Liane Cartman

Stinky apples! See you, boys.

Stan Marsh

I don't think I like this new law.

[LIANE re-enters shot]

Liane Cartman

Squeaker!

[LIANE farts again]

Clip 10

S03 E02: "Spontaneous Combustion"

If Viagra™ were looking for a new figurehead for an advertising campaign, and not negating the fact he died back in 2021, they should probably steer clear of Bob Dole.

Download Clip 0305-110 to your PC / Mac  

Bob Dole

Havin' a hard time with male potency? Well I don't, and I'm Bob Dole. What's wrong with you? Christ, I'm Bob Dole and I can get it up.

Clip 11

S03 E04: "Jakovasaurs"

Just what is wrong with Mr. Garrison? I mean, apart from the obvious. I've asked that question before and I'm asking again. And this won't be my last time of asking!

Download Clip 0305-111 to your PC / Mac  

Scientist

This one jakovasaur can mother an entire population of the animals. Now we must find a safe place for it!

Mr. Garrison

I'll keep it at my house!

Mayor McDaniels

No, Garrison! You'll just try to have sex with it!

Mr. Garrison

What! How dare you say that!

Mayor McDaniels

Garrison, you remember what happened to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?

Mr. Garrison

Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon was a total slut!

Clip 12

S03 E05: "Tweek vs. Craig"

Tweek and Craig are going to fight. Maybe. But not before the entire school has been swept up in the excitement of it all. The training these two undergo is akin to that of a world champion boxer.

Download Clip 0305-112 to your PC / Mac  

Clyde Donovan

Hey, what's going on?

Kyle Broflovski

Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.

Clyde Donovan

Really? Cool!

[There's a long pause]

It's funny because Tweek and Craig both went home about fifteen minutes ago.

Kyle Broflovski

WHAT?!

Tolkien Black

Yeah. They left.

Stan Marsh

Aw, hell!

Eric Cartman

Those sons of b**ches!

Clyde Donovan

I guess they don't wanna fight.

Kyle Broflovski

Oh, they wanna fight. They just don't know it yet.

Clip 13

S03 E05: "Tweek vs. Craig"

Craig just isn't as in to the whole fighting thing as everyone hoped he would be. He'd rather watch Red Racer. And not even alleged insults about his mother will change his mind.

Download Clip 0305-113 to your PC / Mac  

Eric Cartman

Craig, what the hell are you doing home?! You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek!

Craig Tucker

Red Racer's on!

Eric Cartman

Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day of the week!

Craig Tucker

I do watch Red Racer every day of the week!

Eric Cartman

Well, that's fine! I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom!

Craig Tucker

Nope.

[CRAIG closes the door in ERIC'S face]

Clip 14

S03 E05: "Tweek vs. Craig"

Home Economics. In South Park, it's very much a "woman's science", concentrating on lacework, cooking, make-up and getting yourself a rich man with two credit cards. Wait... what?!

Download Clip 0305-114 to your PC / Mac  

Pearl Choise

Yes, Bebe?

Bebe Stevens

What if we meet a guy who wants to be a doctor or a lawyer, but is still getting his degree?

Pearl Choise

Dump that zero and get yourself a hero! He could be earning that degree all his life while you starve to death with two dying babies sucking at your teats!

Clip 15

S03 E05: "Tweek vs. Craig"

How about Ned Gerblansky saying, "Mmmm, what you got bi-atch?" for your cell phone? Not sure where this would come in handy but it's a great soundbite.

Download Clip 0305-115 to your PC / Mac  Download this clip in Apple M4R (ringtone) format

Ned Gerblansky

Mmmm, what you got, bi-atch?

Clip 16

S03 E05: "Tweek vs. Craig"

Tweek is in training for the big fight. And when I say BIG fight, I do of course mean one taking place in an elementary school yard in South Park, Colorado. So, yeah. No THAT big!

Download Clip 0305-116 to your PC / Mac  

Jimbo Kern

Punch him in the balls, Tweek!

[TWEEK punches NED in the balls]

That a boy! Now quick... get him again while he's down. Good! Now kick his balls. There, see? You've got him coughing up blood.

Crowd

Hurray!

Tweek

[Screams]

Jimbo Kern

Now, that's boxing!

Clip 17

S03 E06: "Sexual Harassment Panda"

Eric has an unusual concept of what sexual harassment is. Someone should really address this before it's too late.

Download Clip 0305-117 to your PC / Mac  

Mr. Garrison

Now, does anybody know what sexual harassment means? Yes, Eric?

Eric Cartman

When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Clip 18

S03 E06: "Sexual Harassment Panda"

Why did they think a Panda was an appropriate figurehead to teach children about sexual harassment? I mean... why?

Download Clip 0305-118 to your PC / Mac  

Sexual Harassment Panda

Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a saaad panda. And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very saaad panda.

Clip 19

S03 E07: "Cat Orgy"

Imagine if David Attenborough did this. Imagine the uproar (no pun intended) if he chose to describe two lions mating in this manner. Shame he doesn't, really. It'd be p*ss yer pants funny.

Download Clip 0305-119 to your PC / Mac  

Announcer

And now back to Wild Animal World.

V/O

Here in the more arrid regions of Africa, the Gold Colt Lions are in the throws of mating season. The male lion positions himself behind the female and prepares to insert his lionhood. Notice his large swollen balls. The female lion relaxes her body and says hello to Mr. Winkie. The male lion is enticed by the female's supple breasts and firm back side. Quickly and suddenly, the male is finished. Now, he wants to be alone, so he kindly asks the female to leave. He promises he'll call her tomorrow. But the female doesn't leave. Nope! She's moving right in! Looks like the male lion is screwed!

Clip 20

S03 E08: "Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub"

It's Mr. Mackey's Meteor Shower Party. No kids invited. No, they have to huddle together with nothing to do in a cold, dark basement.

Download Clip 0305-120 to your PC / Mac  

Stan Marsh

I don't wanna hang out in the kids room! I won't know anybody!

Randy Marsh

Well, it would be good for you to make new friends. You can't just hang out with your buddy Kyle all the time! People'll think you guys are, you know... funny!

Clip 21

S03 E08: "Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub"

Don't ask me how or, more importantly, why but Randy Marsh and Gerald Broflovski have ended up naked in a hot tub together. Just the two of them.

Download Clip 0305-121 to your PC / Mac  

Randy Marsh

Oh, boy! It's nice to have a night off without the kids, huh?

Gerald Broflovski

Yeah, I know what you mean!

Randy Marsh

I love having a family and all! I just miss being able to party; drinking and socialising, experimenting with all kinds of different things.

Gerald Broflovski

Well, that's what being young is all about! Once you have a family and a career, your experimenting days are over! But, tonight is the exception! And that's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar! Only 'cause I've never smoked before!

Randy Marsh

Good idea!

Gerald Broflovski

What haven't you tried that you've always wanted to try?

Randy Marsh

Oh. I don't know! Maybe I'll drink a few more beers and see where the party takes me!

Gerald Broflovski

Yeah! W-was that your leg?

Randy Marsh

Huh? Oh, you mean this?

Gerald Broflovski

Yeah!

Randy Marsh

Yeah, that... that was me!

Clip 22

S03 E08: "Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub"

It was Randy who instigated the whole hot tub incident, okay? His idea. So why has he now got such a downer on his friend, Gerald? Could it be shame, embarrassment... guilt? Yeah. Probably.

Download Clip 0305-122 to your PC / Mac  

Gerald Broflovski

So! Well! That was certainly... interesting!

Randy Marsh

Yeah!

Gerald Broflovski

You don't regret doing it, now do you?

Randy Marsh

No, no! What's there to regret? Right? I mean, all we did was watch each other... masturbate! That's... that's not gay or anything! We said so! Right?

Gerald Broflovski

Tha... that's right! It's just harmless experimenting!

Randy Marsh

Well, lets get back into the party and see what everybody's doing!

Gerald Broflovski

Hey! Nothing changes between us, right? I mean, we're still friends!

Randy Marsh

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure!

Clip 23

S03 E08: "Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub"

And the awkwardness continues. A packed party is not the place to make an announcement like this. It's just not.

Download Clip 0305-123 to your PC / Mac  

Gerald Broflovski

Honey?

Randy Marsh

God! Everybody's looking at me! Everybody knows!

Gerald Broflovski

Everybody doesn't know! Why are you so ashamed of me?

Randy Marsh

What's happened to you?! You've become all needy and talkative and -

Gerald Broflovski

- I just want to know if it meant something to you!

Randy Marsh

IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME, GERRY! ALL WE DID WAS WATCH EACH OTHER MASTURBATE IN THE HOT TUB!

[The party instantly dies and the party-goers stand staring in disbelief]

Party-Goer

[Gasps]

Clip 24

S03 E09: "Jewbilee"

How can there be an anti-Semitic sect of Judaism? Simple answer - there can't be. Which is what makes the idea of an anti-Semitic elder at this camp for children mildly amusing!

Download Clip 0305-124 to your PC / Mac  

Jewbilee Elder

Now, let us introduce ourselves!

Elder Karn

Elder Karn from the Orthodox synagogue.

Elder Harris

Elder Harris from the Hesidic sect.

Elder Garth

Elder Garth from the synagogue of Anti-Semites.

Jewbilee Elder

I don't believe I've heard of the Anti-Semitic sect of Judaism before!

Elder Garth

We're new!

Clip 25

S03 E10: "Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery"

KOZY-FM need to get a new DJ. This guy belongs in the 1970s. His idea of fun is not shared by anyone under the age of twenty-five. He's wasting his time.

Download Clip 0305-125 to your PC / Mac  

DJ

Why, here's some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now! Say boys, what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween Haunt so far?

Stan Marsh

This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.

Clip 26

S03 E10: "Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery"

Jimbo clearly has a case of blue-balls. And you won't find a cure for that at a Halloween party. He needs a whore house... not a horror house.

Download Clip 0305-126 to your PC / Mac  

Jimbo Kern

Oh, nuts! C'mon, Ned. This ain't a whore house. It's a hor-ror house.

Crowd

Awwww!

Clip 27

S03 E11: "Chinpokomon"

If you want to divert attention away from your evil organistion's nefarious activities, simply tell your accuser that he has a big penis. Unless it's a woman. In that case, don't.

Download Clip 0305-127 to your PC / Mac  

Red Harris

Do you mind telling me what the hell this is about?

[He squeezes the toy and it begins to speak]

Chinpokomon

The American government lies to you! Join the fight for Japaneese supremecy of the world! More to come!

Red Harris

Well?!

President Hirohito

That is so strange! I do not know how this could happen! But, rest assured that I will make sure it does not happen again!

Red Harris

Well, now c'mon! I don't think that that quite satisfies my -

President Hirohito

You are... American?

Red Harris

Yes...

President Hirohito

Oh! You must have very big penis!

Red Harris

Excuse me?! I was just asking you what you're up to with these toys!

President Hirohito

Nothing! We are very simple people with very small penis! Mr. Hosek's penis is especially small!

Mr. Hosek

Hee-hee-hee! So small!

President Hirohito

We cannot achieve much with so small penis! But, you Americans! Wow! Penis so big! SO BIG PENIS!

Red Harris

Well, I... I guess it is a pretty good size.

Clip 28

S03 E11: "Chinpokomon"

You've heard of G.I. Joe and maybe even Action Man. But have you ever heard of Alabama Man? He's a good 'ol Deep South Redneck. He drinks, he chews tobacco and smacks his wife around. What a guy a**hole.

Download Clip 0305-128 to your PC / Mac  

V/O

Alabama Man! He's quick! He's strong! He's active! You can take Alabama Man to the bowling alley where he drinks heavily and chews tobacco!

Little Boy

Wow! He can bowl!

V/O

He bowls and drinks! He drinks and bowls! Alabama Man! When his wife asks him where he's been, just use the action button and Alabama Man busts her lip open!

Little Boy

Shut up, b**ch!

V/O

He beats the wife and sleeps it off... Alabama Man!

Little Boy

I wanna be just like Alabama Man!

V/O

Alabama Man comes with everything you see here! Wife sold separately!

Little Boy

I thought I told you to shut up!

V/O

Not all people from Alabama are wife-beaters.

Clip 29

S03 E12: "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"

It's a Spelling Bee. We don't have those in the UK but let me tell you, if we did, I'd claen up. Ime a exellent speler, me!

Download Clip 0305-129 to your PC / Mac  

Jimbo Kern

Kyle! Kyle! He's our man! If he can't win it, I'm out fifty bucks!

Gerald Broflovski

You bet money on my son to win?!

Jimbo Kern

Sure! When it comes to spelling bees, always bet on the Jew!

Clip 30

S03 E12: "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"

Mark Cotswolds was home-schooled but has opted to join his peers at South Park Elementary School. Strangely, Eric has decided to go the other way and be home-schooled. Horses for courses, eh?

Download Clip 0305-130 to your PC / Mac  

Mr. Garrison

Okay, children! We have a new student joining us today from homeschool! Now, his parents are very worried about his safety, so please don't be too cruel to him! Mark?

[MARK rolls into the classroom in a giant hamster ball]

Mark Cotswolds

Hey, guys What's up?

Eric Cartman

Dude! What's wrong with you?! You have some kind of John Travolta disease?!

Mr. Garrison

Alright, children! Let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here and go on with our studies!

Clip 31

S03 E12: "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"

The lunch hall. Not a good place to be if you're a nerd and especially if you're the kind of nerd who can't come up with something original to baffle and deter your aggressors.

Download Clip 0305-131 to your PC / Mac  

Craig Tucker

Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?

Mark Cotswolds

Ah! Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me!

Stan Marsh

Aw, dude! You don't say that!

[Predictably, MARK gets the sh*t kicked out of him]

Clip 32

S03 E12: "Hooked on Monkey Fonics"

Rebecca Cotswolds. She's... strange. Like quite a lot of home-schooled children, she lacks social awareness. Because... well, she doesn't socialise. That is until Kyle comes along.

Download Clip 0305-132 to your PC / Mac  

Kyle Broflovski

Don't you want to go out?! All you do is stay in your house and study!

Rebecca Cotswolds

What else would one do?!

Kyle Broflovski

Love, for one thing!

Rebecca Cotswolds

And, what is love?!

Kyle Broflovski

Love is the most important thing on earth! When boys and girls feel love, they kiss!

Rebecca Cotswolds

What means kiss?!

Kyle Broflovski

When a man and a woman feel love, they put their lips together!

Rebecca Cotswolds

Oh, you mean a mate?! When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me!

Kyle Broflovski

Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate! In public school, men and women get together! Make each other happy!

Rebecca Cotswolds

You certainly come from a silly place! Still, I should like to try this kiss! So I could write about it! How do we do it?!

Kyle Broflovski

I'm not completely sure!

Rebecca Cotswolds

Should we look it up?!

Kyle Broflovski

No, I think it's just something you have to try a few times until you get it right!

[KYLE and REBECCA kiss]

Rebecca Cotswolds

Wow! Wow! That was fun!

Kyle Broflovski

Does that mean you'll go to the dance?

Rebecca Cotswolds

You bet your sweet ass I will!

Clip 33

S03 E13: "Starvin' Marvin in Space!"

The CIA have come to South Park Elementary. Yes, the Central Intelligence Agency. If they came looking for intelligence, they're in the wrong school.

Download Clip 0305-133 to your PC / Mac  

Agent Connelly

I'm Connelly, and this is Fields! We're with the CIA! We're here to speak with some of your students! You, you, you, and you.

[CONNELLY points to ERIC, KYLE, KENNY, and STAN]

Mr. Garrison

Oh, for Pete's sake! What've you bastards done now?!

Clip 34

S03 E13: "Starvin' Marvin in Space!"

I must try this the next time I'm facing awkward questions. I'll just pause, lean to one side in my chair, and fart. Because if it works in South Park, it's got to work in the real world, right?!

Download Clip 0305-134 to your PC / Mac  

Eric Cartman

Hey! That's Starvin Marvin!

Stan Marsh

Shhh!

Agent Connelly

Who?

Kyle Broflovski

You dumbass, Cartman! Now they're gonna go squeeze his balls!

Eric Cartman

Oh! We don't know him!

Agent Fields

We already know you know him! We have this!

[AGENT FIELDS pulls out a photograph of the four boys with Starvin' Marvin]

Now who is he?!

[KYLE leans to the side in his chair and farts, causing himself and his friends to laugh]

Eric Cartman

Ooo! Kyle's makin' mud pies! You guys want one?!

Clip 35

S03 E15: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"

How about a Mr. Hankey Christmas Song to cheer up your holiday season? It's a little long for a ringtone but you could always call yourself just to enjoy it to the end. Just switch off your voicemail.

Download Clip 0305-135 to your PC / Mac  Download this clip in Apple M4R (ringtone) format

Various


We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose,
and we all know Frosty who's made out of snow!
But, all of those stories seem kind of gay,
'cause we all know who brightens up our holiday!
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo!
Small and brown, he comes from you!
Sit on the toilet! Here he comes!
Squeeze him 'tween your festive buns!
A present from down below,
spreading joy with a Howdy Ho!

He's seen the love inside of you,
'cause... he's a piece of poo!
Sometimes, he's nutty!
Sometimes he's corny!
He can be brown or greenish-brown!
Mm, mm!

But, if you eat fibre on Christmas Eve,
he might come to your town!

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo!
He loves me! I love you! Therefore, vicariously, he loves you!
I can make a Mr. Hankey too!
Howdy ho! I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo!

Santa's greetings to all of you!
Let's sing songs and dance and play,
now before I melt away!
Here's a game I like to play!
Stick me in your mouth and try to say...
Howdy Ho Ho, yum, yum, yum!
Christmas time has come!
Sometimes he's runny!
Sometimes he's firm!
Sometimes he's practically water!
Sometimes he hangs of the end of your ass and won't fall in the toilet, 'cause he's just clinging to your sphincter, and he won't drop off, and so you shake your ass around, try to get 'im to drop in the toilet, and finally it does!

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo!
Christmas leaves! He must leave too!
Flush him down, but he's never gone!
His smell and his spirit lingers on!

Howdy ho!

Clip 36

S03 E16: "Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus"

Oh, Eric. You're misinformed, little buddy. Boys don't get periods. Only girls have a menstrual cycle. Where were you for sex ed.? In fact, where were all of you? Because you're all clueless!

Download Clip 0305-136 to your PC / Mac  

Eric Cartman

You guys! You guys! Guess what!

Kyle Broflovski

What, fatass?!

Eric Cartman

I've become a man! I started puberty, you guys!

Kenny McCormick

What?

Stan Marsh

No you didn't!

Eric Cartman

Yes! I really did!

Stan Marsh

How do you know?!

Eric Cartman

Well, because yesterday, I got my period!

Kyle Broflovski

You got your what?!

Eric Cartman

My period, you guys! You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up and nature starts to take its course by having you bleed out of your ass for a few days every month!

Stan Marsh

You're making that up! Miss Alton, what's it mean to get a period?

Miss Alton

Well, boys, I don't think I can tell you! Uh...

Stan Marsh

Please! It's important!

Miss Alton

Well, it's when puberty hits and you bleed... you know... down there!

Kyle Broflovski

Holy sh*t, dude! Cartman's right!

Eric Cartman

Well, guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve! I have to hang out with the older crowd because now, I'm mature! I got my period and you guys didn't! I got my period and you guys didn't!

Clip 37

S03 E16: "Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus"

Rod Stewart was born in 1945. So he's old. I mean, too old to still be touring if you ask me. He doesn't sing ballads - he was always a bit of a punk / rock artist. Yeah. Just too old.

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Agent

Can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millenium concert! He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock!

Jesus

H'oh! I'm excited too! I think it'll bring my father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes, for I am the lamb of God!

Agent

Yeah! And, uh... ya know Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we can talk about that later! Here comes Rod now!

Jesus

Hey! Rod! Great to see you! Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing! It's really given them a lot of faith in me again! I'm sure that together we can make this millenium party the best New Year's bash ever!

Rod

Poop pants!

Jesus

What?!

Rod

Poop pants!

Jesus

Poo pants?!

Rod

Pooped pants.

Jesus

You've pooped your pants?!

Rod

Pooped my pants!

Jesus

Oh, uh... nurse! Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants!

Nurse

Again?! Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

Clip 38

S03 E17: "Worldwide Recorder Concert"

The children of South Park Elementary are joining children all round the world for history's largest recorder concert. Fu*k me backwards. Is there anything worse in all creation?!

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Mr. Garrison

And a one, and a two, and a...

[The children start playing My Country 'Tis Of Thee on their recorders. Badly!]

- of Liberty... You're late! My father... what the hell was that? Goddammit! I don't think you children have been working on your fingering!

Eric Cartman

That's not true, Mr. Garrison! Kyle was working on his fingering with his mom all night long!

[KENNY laughs hysterically]

Kyle Broflovski

Shut up, fatass!

Eric Cartman

No, seriously! Kyle's mom says Kyle getting really good at fingering!

[KENNY laughs hysterically]

Clip 39

S03 E17: "Worldwide Recorder Concert"

Right. So let me get this straight. Herbert Garrison is confronting his father about not sexually abusing him as a child? I did get that right, didn't I? Sheesh!

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Herbert Garrison

Hello, dad!

Mr. Garrison Senior

Oh hello, son!

Herbert Garrison

Can I come in?

Mr. Garrison Senior

Uh, sure! Of couse. Your mom's out at bridge night! You want a beer or something?

Herbert Garrison

No! I don't think that will solve any of our problems, though you seemed to think it did!

Mr. Garrison Senior

W'what?!

Herbert Garrison

I have a lot of demons that I need to face, father! I need to know some things!

Mr. Garrison Senior

Well, okay! Like what?!

Herbert Garrison

All right, all right! Let's just cut right to it! I've come to ask you about the sexual abuse, dad! I have to know why! Right here and now! We're gonna talk about this!

Mr. Garrison Senior

What the hell are you talking about? I never sexually abused you!

Herbert Garrison

I know! I wanna know why not! Was it that I was ugly?

Mr. Garrison Senior

Oh, my God!

Herbert Garrison

I wasn't good enough for you! Was that it, dad?!

Mr. Garrison Senior

Well... NO!

Herbert Garrison

Sure! You could go off and screw any whore on Ryland Street, but when it came to your own son, you were just too busy!

Clip 40

S03 E17: "Worldwide Recorder Concert"

The Brown Noise. It's a mythical note, low on the scale and filled with bass that can cause anyone hearing it to sh*t themselves. Spoiler alert: it doesn't actually exist!

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Eric Cartman

You guys! You guys! We found it! We found it, you guys!

Kyle Broflovski

Calm down, Cartman!

Stan Marsh

You found what?

Eric Cartman

The Brown Noise! Kenny and me found he Brown Noise. Here look, look, look!

[He puts headphones on STAN, KYLE and then himself]

Okay! Let's see! Okay?! Okay! Okay! Ready, Kenny?

Kenny

Ready!

[ERIC plays the note and KENNY shudders and sh*ts himself]

Stan Marsh

No way!

Kyle Broflovski

I don't believe it.

Eric Cartman

I'm serious, you guys. Come on. Watch...

[The trio go outside where a delivery driver is loading his van]

Eric Cartman

Okay...

[He plays the Brown Noise]

Delivery Driver

Whoa! Oh my God! I crapped my pants!