49 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of South Park (1997)

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Terrance stands accused of murder. A violent, grisly, pre-meditated murder. But can his farts save him from... the gas chamber?!

[EXT: Canadian Courthouse fades to INT: Courtroom]

Scott the Dick

Ladies and gentlemen, before you today sits a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer, and struck him repeatedly in the head with this hammer. That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance.

[TERRANCE farts]

Phillip

Uh, Terrance, you farted in court.

Terrance

Yes, Phillip. I'm making a case for our defense!

[Both laugh]

Ugly Bob. Why is he called "Ugly Bob?" Because he's so ugly. That's why. His face looks like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.

Phillip

Oh, hello Ugly Bob.

Ugly Bob

Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.

Terrance

My God, you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.

Ugly Bob

How come you guys say stuff like that?

Terrance

Because you're God-damned ugly, Bob.

Ugly Bob

I know, but -

Phillip

Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out forest fire with a screwdriver.

Ugly Bob

I can't help how I look. Besides, it's not what's on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside.

Terrance

No it isn't.

[Both laugh]

Want to see what's on the inside of me?

[TERRANCE farts and they both laugh]

How late is too late to consider an abortion? Colorado law says no later than twenty-two weeks. So I think Liane Cartman might be sh*t out of luck now that Eric is eight!

Liane Cartman

I want to have... an abortion.

Clinic Receptionist

Well, we can do that. This must be a very difficult time for you, Mrs...

Liane Cartman

Cartman. Yes, it's such a hard decision, but I just don't feel that I can raise a child in this screwy world.

Clinic Receptionist

Yes, Ms. Cartman, if you don't feel fit to raise a child, an abortion probably is the answer. Do you know the actual time of conception?

Liane Cartman

About eight years ago.

Hell's Pass Hospital. The nurse has no arms and the doctor is an incompetent idiot. But other than that, it's great.

Chef

Doctor, we've got a shot cracker outside.

Doctor

I'll be right with you right after I inject this man with a long needle.

Stan Marsh

Oh man, I'm gonna be sick.

Doctor

There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of.

Nurse

Oooh, I think you're hitting the bone.

Doctor

Yes, I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside. Oops, he's hemorrhaging. Oop, his head fell off.

In the Jewish faith, a baby boy is circumcised during a "Bris" but, lacking the necessary understanding, Stan thinks Ike is going to have his entire penis chopped off!

Stan Marsh

Kyle, you have to stop them!

Kyle Broflovski

Stop who?

Stan Marsh

Dude, I found out what a Bris is. I found out what they're going to do to Ike.

Kyle Broflovski

What?

Stan Marsh

They're going to chop off his wee-wee!

Eric's colloquial name for his penis has kind of stuck with the group. Kyle is now using it in place of "wee wee". But Eric, as usual, takes things way too far.

Kyle Broflovski

Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen?

Eric Cartman

Yes, the fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye.

Office Barbrady is illiterate. A secret he's gotten away with for quite some time. But now his secret is about to go public and this is the final straw. Trying to order a takeaway meal from a bank!

Drive-thru Speaker

Welcome to Fran's, can I help you? Sir, can I help you?

Officer Barbrady

Uh, just give me two cheeseburgers and some jalepeño poppers.

Drive-thru Speaker

Sir, there is just one problem.

Officer Barbrady

What's that?

Drive-thru Speaker

We're a bank.

Officer Barbrady

I know that smarty-pants! What... do you think I'm some kind of idiot??

Drive-thru Speaker

Yes.

Eric has been deputised by Officer Barbrady and he patrols South Park on his tricycle, responding to incidents and pulling over innocent motorists. But will the power go to this head? Er... yes.

Eric Cartman

Sir, step out of the car, please.

[RANDY steps out of the vehicle as instructed]

Randy Marsh

Yeah, you're the one that always plugs up the toilet in our house.

Eric Cartman

HEY! I AM A COP AND YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY!

Nurse Gollum has what might be described as a disability. Or, at very least, an interesting facial feature. The foetal corpse of her twin attached to the side of her face.

Nurse Gollum

Now, what seems to be the problem?

Kyle Broflovski

I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.

Nurse Gollum

Oh, well I'll get you an ice-pack.

[As NURSE GOLLUM turns to face KYLE, he sees that she has a dead foetus attached to the side of her face and he screams loudly]

What?

[KYLE screams again]

Nurse Gollum

Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a still-born foetus growth attached to my head.

Mrs.Broflovski is Kyle's neurotic mother. And she's a regular visitor to Principal Victoria's office. Not that you'd get that impression from the educators friendly greeting.

Principal Victoria

Well, Mrs.Broslovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing you cheery face again. What seems to be p*ssing you off today?

You know how you're not supposed to distract a bus driver whilst the vehicle is in motion? Well, in the case of Veronica Crabtree, it's definitely not a good idea.

Chef

I think we need to get off on this exit.

Veronica Crabtree

SIT DOWN, KID!

Chef

But it's quicker to get to the Denver School that way!

Veronica Crabtree

DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?

Chef

How many times do I have to explain this to you? I'm not a student. You can't give me an office referral.

Veronica Crabtree

I SAID SIT DOWN!

Chef

Yes ma'am.

Conjoined Twin Myslexia doesn't exist. Well, at least the name doesn't exist. Nurse Gollum might best be described as having a "parasitic twin", which inspired this song.

Singer

♪
You've got the strength,
you've got the courage.
Even with a dead foetus on your head.

Carry on!
You fight for tomorrow!
Dead foetus or no,
you never let go.

You're my conjoined twin dead thing hanging off your head woman.

For a black guy, Chef sure has some whacky ideas about what is and what is not racist. And sadly he's in a position to pass down this bullsh*t to a group of eight-year-olds!

Chef

You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity.

Stan Marsh

You don't?

Kyle Broflovski

But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.

Chef

No, no, no, no, no. That's different. I made fun of them because they are from China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American because they're black brown or whatever. But it is okay to make fun of foreigners because they're from another country.

Mr. Garrison is firm but fair. And did I mention, mad as a box of frogs? Yeah. He's that, too.

Mr. Garrison

No I wasn't in Vietnam. But sometimes I like to pretend I was. Anyway children, I'm gonna assign you all a paper. I want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam, and interview them about it.

Clyde Donovan

What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?

Mr. Garrison

Then you get an F, fail the 3rd grade and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit.

Fun. Like shoving shards of broken glass up your ass and then sitting in a tub of tabasco sauce. That was Vietnam, apparently.

Uncle Jimbo

Well sure Vietnam was fun, but not like going to the circus fun, or fly fishin' in Montana fun. No, Vietnam was more like shoving shards of broken glass up your ass, and then sittin' in a tub of tobasco sauce fun.

Uncle Jimbob has fed the children with a pack of lies about Vietnam. Lies that his unwitting victims are about to repeat. In class. For an assignment.

Stan Marsh

And after killing the entire Vietcong army, they returned to base camp. Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop Rollercoaster, and ate cotton candy. And ultimately, Ned got the purple heart for his courageous defence of the log ride. So was the horror of Vietnam. The end.

Eric / Kyle / Kenny / Stan

The end.

Kyle Broflovski

Are there any questions? Yes, Mr.Garrison?

Mr. Garrison

Yes, uh... where the f[BEEP] did you hear this ridiculous load of bullsh*t?

Jesus & Pals is becoming more and more like the Montel Jordan show every day. And her, apropos of nothing, an audience member starts defending the indefensible.

Audience Member

Montel, I think we're forgetting something very important in all of this. Okay, sure he touched some children. But the man is a great singer, and has entertained us for so many years.

Jesus

What? What are you talking about?

Audience Member

Michael Jackson. All this bad mouthing, putting the man down, maybe he did touch some children now and then. But come on... it's Michael Jackson!

Uncle Jimbob's best friend is Ned. Ned speaks with the aid of a voicebox because he's smoked heavily his whole life. And, to make matters worse, he's now in a catatonic state.

Uncle Jimbob

I'm sorry, Stan, I was just trying to tell a good story. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble.

Stan Marsh

Well, we're sorry too, uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for making you look stupid in front of the whole world.

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah, and we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.

Uncle Jimbob

Ahh he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hard core porn. He'll snap right out of it, won't you Ned?

Eric Cartman is a growing boy. Not upwardly but outwards. And that's largely due to his excessive consumption of chocolate cake. ENTIRE chocolate cakes.

Kyle Broflovski

Dammit, Cartman! You are such a fat F[BEEP]K!

For the record, Eric's mother is NOT Eric's father. That's a biological impossibility. As to whether or not she possesses a penis, I can't be absolutely sure, but I'd say that it's unlikely.

Kyle Broflovski

Wait a minute. I thought your father was your mother 'cause she had a penis?

Eric Cartmam

WHAT? HEY! YOU SON OF A B**CH, I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUTS!

The Mayor. She's not firing on all cylinders, is she? The lift doesn't go all the way to the top. She paddles in the shallow end of the gene pool. She's thicker than Donald Trump's billfold.

Principal Victoria

Yes! Get the school principal on the phone. And we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus.

Assistant #2

Uh, Mayor... I think you mean "Uncle Sam?"

Principal Victoria

Of course I do, you f[BEEP]ing a**hole!

Chef is on vacation in Aruba. Laying on a sun lounger, serenading three women he'd like to sleep with... at the same time. So when Stan calls him to ask for help, he's less than willing to assist.

Kyle Broflovski

What'd he say?

Stan Marsh

Dude, I think he told us to go f[BEEP]k ourselves.

Eric Cartman

Wow!

Kyle Broflovski

How's that going to help?

I think we can all agree that the video tapes in Uncle Jimbo's dresser drawer do not constitute art. They're not independent films. Unless your definition of an independent film is grotty porn.

Mr. Garrison

Anyway, children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it. The first film showing is called "Witness to Denial," and is a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.

Stan Marsh

Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer.

In this exclusive Film Funnies edit, we get to enjoy Chef introducing his innovative and unique new range of cookies during the South Park Film Festival.

Chef

Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies to these Hollywood types, and make a mint!

Eric Cartman

What kind of cookies?

Kyle Broflovski

Calm down tubby.

Chef

They're little cookies with fudge in the middle. And I call them "Fudge 'Ems."

Eric Cartman

I wanna Fudge 'Em!

Chef

And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, "Fudge This." Perhaps you'd like to try my low calorie cookies, "Go Fudge Yourself," or my all natural, "I don't really give a flying fudge." Get 'em while they're hot! My all new cookies, "I Just Went and Fudged Yo Mama!"

Eric Cartman

Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground!

Introducing, for the first time... Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls! Yes, you read that right. And if you don't know what they are, you have no right calling yourself a South Park fan!

Chef

Children, I'm glad you're here. I want you to check out my new confectionaries. I think they're gonna sell right through the roof. I call them "Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls."

Stan Marsh

Are they good?

Chef

Try 'em.

[ERIC, KENNY, KYLE and STAN take on and begin eating]

Stan Marsh

Hey these are good!

Eric Cartman

Yeah, I love your salty chocolate balls, Chef!

[KENNY laughs]

Chef has even come up with a catchy little song to market his dubious confections. If I'm not mistaken, a version of this song made it in to the charts in the late nineties.

Chef

♪
Say everybody, have you seen my balls?
they're big and salty and brown.
If you ever need a quick pick-me-up,
just stick my balls in your mouth

Ooooh!
Suck on my chocolate salty balls,
Put 'em in your mouth,
Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em!

Mr. Hankey has saved the town from those Hollywood types by causing the sewers to overflow in what can only described as a "poonami!"

Kyle Broflovski

You did it, Mr. Hankey! You got rid of all the film people.

Crowd

[Cheer]

Mayor McDaniels

Oh, yeah. Now all we have is a town covered in sh*t. This is much better!

In an effort to expose them to the Chickenpox virus, Eric, Kyle, and Stan have been forced by their respective parents into a sleepover at Kenny's house. And dinner is... disappointing.

Kevin

My waffle's done! My waffle's done!

Carol McCormick

Now, Kevin... we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.

Eric Cartman

Oh, Jesus! Are you fu*king kidding me?

Stuart McCormick

Hey! We don't say, "fu*k" at the table, you little a**hole!

Just how does Mr. Garrison know so much about Bangkok brothels? In fact, no. Don't tell me. I'm really not sure that I want to know.

Mr. Garrison

Okay, children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium. Not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves.

Haikus are a form of Japanese poetry, the form of which is five syllables on the first line, seven on the second and five on the third. Kyle has mastered this.

Kyle Broflovski

Fatass Cartman was,
not on the school bus today.
What a big fat turd.

Mr. Garrison

Oh, very good haiku Kyle.

Whenever the boys play Americans vs Bosnians, Eric cheats. And nobody likes a cheater. A cheater should just play with himself. Which, apparently, Eric likes doing anyway.

Kyle Broflovski

Dude, every time we play Americans vs Bosnians, you cheat.

Stan Marsh

Yeah, Cartman, you suck! If you wanna play Americans vs Bosnians anymore, you can just play with yourself.

Eric Cartman

That's fine. I like playing with myself. I play with myself all day long!

[KENNY laughs]

Oh, for the love of God... really?! Wendy has played matchmaker, trying to get Kyle and Bebe together. Bebe likes Kyle. Particularly his... um, well.... his.... derrière. Apparently.

Bebe Stevens

Did it work?

Wendy Testaburger

I think it did, Bebe. If all goes as planned, Kyle will be your new boyfriend.

Bebe Stevens

I hope so Wendy. He's got such a hot ass!

Bebe Stevens has passed a note to Kyle via her classmates. But it's been noticed by Mr. Garrison who forces Kyle to read it aloud to the class. Bet he wasn't expecting this!

Mr. Garrison

Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!

Kyle Broflovski

Oh, man!

[KYLE reads the note aloud]

Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those pert cheeks let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity.

Whoa, dude!

Adults play Truth or Dare, too. But the way adults play it is a little more, um... adult. As the soon to be reunited Sharon and Randy Marsh demonstrate in this short clip.

Sharon Marsh

Truth or dare?

Randy Marsh

Daaare.

Sharon Marsh

Do me. Right here in the clubhouse!

Stan was hoping that a game of Truth or Dare in his newly erected clubhouse might elicit a kiss from Wendy. He certainly wasn't expecting Bebe to suggest this!

Bebe Stevens

Okay, it's my turn! Stan, truth or dare?

Stan Marsh

Daaare.

[WENDY and BEBE whisper to each other]

Bebe Stevens

Take this stick, and jam it up your pee hole.

Stan Marsh

WHAT?!!

Wendy

Wow! That sucks. Do you think it'll hurt?

"Ooh! What the Hell is That?" is a gameshow. Not a real gameshow, of course. But if it were, you too could hope to win an all-expenses-paid trip to... South Park.

Bob

Well Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready to play for the grand prize?

Tom / Mary

We're ready, Bob!

Bob

Any particular prize you're hoping for?

Mary

Well, Hawaii's nice but Tahiti would be fun, too!

Tom

Aww, anywhere would be great.

Bob

Holidays and Digadees, I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis, to the scrotum?

Tom

Oh, oh, wait... wait, I know this.

Mary

The... upper vascular hood!

Bob

I'm sorry but you're absolutely right! Fred, tell them what they've won.

Fred (V/O)

Tom and Mary, put on your travel hats because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado.

Mary

Where?

Fred (V/O)

That's right. Just in time for Cow Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival. Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days. And you're gonna be a part of it. You'll stay at the fabulous Super 7 Hotel on Bernard Road. And enjoy festivities including prizes, rides, and of course the world famous Running of the Cows. Congratulations, Tom & Mary.

Bob

Well Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.

Tom

What was second prize again?

Bob

That's all for now. See you tomorrow on...

Audience

"Ooh! What the Hell is That?!"

Mary

Oh, sh*t!

There's a carnival game promising Terrance & Phillip dolls but it's clearly rigged. And

Officer Barbrady

Young man, you can't just go declaring shenanigans on innocent people. That's how wars get started!

Stan Marsh

Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.

Officer Barbrady

Barbrady!

Stan Marsh

Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?

Officer Barbrady

You said Buttbaby.

[The children all laugh]

Cartman has spent too much money on crap rides at the carnival, and now the boys don't have enough to give the rigged game another shot. He's in BIG trouble.

Eric Cartman

What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?

Kyle Broflovski

Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fu*king head open!

Eric Cartman

Okay... I'll get on the bull.

Eric Cartman has had an accident. His cranial trauma has convinced him that he's actually a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li. Which is not among the expected symptoms for a head injury.

Kyle Broflovski

Dude, I think we broke him.

ER Doctor

Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.

Stan Marsh

What's the matter with him?

ER Doctor

Apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.

Eric Cartman (sorry... Ming Li) is taking his, er... her sales patter straight out of Full Metal Jacket. And it's not working. This particular soldier just isn't buying. Or... renting, I guess.

Eric Cartman

Hello... hello please, happy hello, soldierboy! Hey, soldierboy!

Soldier

Huh?

Eric Cartman

Hello, soldierboy. Me so horny. Me love you long time.

Soldier

Go away kid! You're grossing me out!

Eric Cartman

HELLO PLEASE! PLEASE HELLO, HELLO! SUCKY SUCKY. HELLO, PLEASE!

Soldier

Beat it, kid!

Chef is selling his sorry ass to the women of South Park to raise money for his own defence. He's exhausted and, to make matters worse, his next client is... Mrs. Crabtree. Jesus!

Mrs. Crabtree

All right, let's get this show on the road! Come 'ere, puppy!

Chef

Uhh, uhhh... hold on a second, Ms. Crabtree. How would you like to use some sex toys?

Mrs. Crabtree

Sex toys? Like what?

Chef

Like this very special device. I call it, "Chef's Pleasure Bag."

Mrs. Crabtree

How does it work?

Chef

All you do is put this paper bag over your head, and it increases your sexual pleasure.

Mrs. Crabtree

Really? Well, hell, let's give it a shot.

[CHEF places the paper bag over MRS. CRABTREE'S head]

Chef

Aaah, yeah. That's much better.

Black Sabbath are playing South Park. Which, inevitably, means that Ozzy Osbourne is about to do something unthinkable on stage. But it's not a bat. No. It's Kenny McCormick.

Black Sabbath

♪
Ain't nowhere to run,
(Come everybody let's -)
Ain't nowhere to hide.
(Come on!)

[OZZY OSBOURNE bites KENNY McCORMICK'S head off]

Stan Marsh

Oh my God, Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny's head off!

Kyle Broflovski

You bastard!

For the avoidance of any doubt, Stan really does have an Aunt Flo. This is not a euphemism for his mother's menstruation. Although you could be forgiven for thinking it is.

Kyle Broflovski

Where've you been, dude?

Stan Marsh

Dude, my mom's having her monthly visitor.

Kyle Broflovski

Aunt Flo?

Stan Marsh

Yeah, and every time she shows up, my mom turns into a total b**ch.

The boys are hosting themselves from a parallel universe. Which makes this episode particularly confusing. But still funny, obviously!

Stan Marsh

Ah hah! There you are, Cartman!

Eric Cartman

Nice costumes you guys. You spend about a buck-fifty on those?

Kyle Broflovski

We're here to take you back, goody two-shoes.

Eric Cartman

Oh? I got a better idea. Why don't you two go fu*k yourselves?

Eric Cartman loves visiting his family around the holidays because his great-grandmother always gives him an early present. But this year, it's not quite what he would have wanted.

Eric Cartman

Wait a minute. This isn't a present. This is a shirt.

Great Grandma Florence

Yes. I thought that would look really good on you.

Eric Cartman

Are you telling me I drove nine hours through butt-fu*king nowhere to get a goddamn shirt!? Mom! Grandma's gone senile. It's time to stick her in a home!

This is NOT how I remember George Bailey's admonishment of Henry Potter going in It's a Wonderful Life. But I kind of wish it was. Because this would have been seriously funny.

V/O

Now, back to It's a Wonderful Life.

George Bailey

You can't just buy people, Mr. Potter. Well, well... you know what you are? You're a little b**ch. That's right. You're a b**ch, and I bet you would like to suck it, wouldn't ya?

Charles Manson has escaped from prison. It's big news. Such big news that they've interrupted the football to announce it. In... the most unusual manner imaginable.

Commentator

Only sixteen seconds left in the quarter -

V/O

We interrupt this broadcast for a news bulletin.

Eric Cartman

What?!

V/O

Mass murderer and extremely nasty person, Charles Manson has escaped from prison. Manson was the man responsible for seven murders in the late sixties. Manson has never shown any signs of remorse for his crime. If you see Manson, please kick his ass and smash his fu*king face in for me. And then call the police. And now back to the game.

Mr. Garrison's career is hanging by a thread. He needs the children to lie about his efficacy as a teacher in a report to the South Park Town Committee. But he doesn't want to pressure them. Much.

Mr. Garrison

You have to give your oral report to the entire South Park Town Committee tomorrow. And if it doesn't kick ass, and you make me look bad, Mr. Hat is gonna smack you b**ches up!

Larry has been missing for years. Frozen solid in a block of ice. But he's thawed out and he's back. His wife, Leslie doesn't recognise him. And it's about to get a lot more awkward than that!

Leslie

Can I help you?

Larry

Leslie, it's me, Larry. Your husband?

Leslie

Husband? You're not my husband.

Larry

Think hard, Leslie! We used to be together... for over eight years.

Leslie

I seem to remember a husband, but I think he was lost and never found on Kenosha Pass.

Larry

That was me!

Leslie

Oh!

Butch

Who is it, lover?

Leslie

It's my former husband who I'd forgotten all about.

Butch

Ooh! Well sir, let me shake your hand. I'm proud to meet the man who's wife I'm currently sticking it to every night.