51 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of South Park (1997)

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It's the original South Park theme tune - perfect as a ringtone.

♪

Guitar Man

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time.

Stan Marsh / Kyle Broflovski

Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation.

Guitar Man

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind.

Eric Cartman

Ample parking day or night,
people shouting, "Howdy neighbour!"

Guitar Man

Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind.

Kenny McCormick

[Mumbling]

I love girls with deep vaginas,
I love girls with big fat titties.

Guitar Man

So come on down to South Park,
and meet some friends of mine.

Ike is Kyle's baby brother. He's cute... even though he resembles a football with a face. But he's a source of constant irritation to Kyle and the others.

♪

Ensemble

School days, school days, teacher's -

[IKE bounces into shot]

Kyle Brofslovski

Damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again. Ike, you can't come to school with me.

Eric Cartman

Go home, you little dildo.

Kyle Broflovski

Dude, don't call my brother a dildo.

Stan Marsh

What's a dildo?

Kyle Broflovski

I don't know. And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either.

Eric Cartman

I know what it means!

Kyle Broflovski

Well, what?

Eric Cartman

I'm not telling you.

Stan Marsh

What's a dildo, Kenny?

Kenny McCormick

[Mumbles unintelligibly]

Stan Marsh

[Laughs]

Eric Cartman

Yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is, all right.

Mrs. Crabtree is the mentally deranged school bus driver who spends most of her time yelling unnecessarily at the children in her charge. Oh, and she has a bird living in her hair.

Kyle Broflovski

No, dude. If something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.

Mrs. Crabtree

SIT DOWN BACK THERE! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah. Whatever, you fat b**ch.

Mrs. Crabtree

What did you say?!

Kyle Broflovski

I said, I have a bad itch.

Mrs. Crabtree

Oh.

Why are farts funny? I mean, yes... they're embarrassing at times and occasionally dangerous but always, always funny. Especially in South Park.

Kyle Broflovski

What am I gonna do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens.

Stan Marsh

[Lifts himself up on to his left buttock and farts]

Kyle Broflovski

You farted!

Stan Marsh / Kyle Broflovski

[Both laugh]

Eric Cartman

Somebody's making brownies!

Nothing to see here. Just a slightly unhinged school teacher who uses a hand-puppet to vocalise his schizophrenia. That's all.

Kyle Broflovski

Mr. Garrison... seriously. I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?

Mr. Garrison

I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?

Kyle Broflovski

I don't wanna ask Mr. Hat. I'm asking you!

Mr. Garrison

Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.

Kyle Broflovski

Mr. Hat... may I please be excused from class?

Mr. Hat

Well, Kyle. NO! YOU HEAR ME? YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!

Wendy is the apple of Kyle's eye. He loves her so much that he vomits every time she speaks to him. Which makes the idea of him "slipping her the tongue" all the more gross.

Kyle Broflovski

Dude, what does the note say?

Stan Marsh

Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.

Kyle Broflovski

Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.

Eric Cartman

Or slip her the tongue.

[KENNY mumbles unintelligibly]

Stan Marsh

What? How do you know she has a cat?

[KENNY begins to laugh and the others follow suit]

Whenever Kenny gets killed (basically in every episode) Stan and Kyle shout the same thing. And here it is for the very first time - way back in 1997.

Stan Marsh

Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle Broflovski

You bastards!

"Dildo" is Eric Cartman's favourite word. He uses it to insult people all the time. Luckily, he's not old enough to realise what it actually means yet.

Eric Cartman

Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!

Liane Cartman

Well, then I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.

The visitors have taken Kyle's little brother. So it's time for a heart-felt plea for his safe return.

Kyle Broflovski

Visitors? This morning, you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is... is a pretty special thing.

Stan Marsh

Yeah.

Kyle Broflovski

Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors. I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world but if you can find it in your hearts, or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me... it sure would make my life brighter again.

Stan Marsh

That was beautiful, dude.

Kyle Broflovski

Did it work?

Stan Marsh

No. They're leaving.

Kyle Broflovski

Hey, you scrawny-assed [BEEP]. What the [BEEP] is wrong with you? I mean, you must be some kind of [BEEP] to be able to ignore a crying child!

Stan Marsh

Whoa, dude!

Kyle Broflovski

You know what you [BEEP] like? You like to [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP]!

Stan Marsh

Hey, Wendy, what's a [BEEP]?

Another one of those recurring soundbites - a running joke between Kyle and his baby brother, Ike. Which almost always ends with Kyle kicking Ike like a football.

Kyle Broflovski

Kick the baby!

Ike Broflovski

Don't kick the baby!

Liane Cartman is an over-bearing mother who just can't help but embarrass her son in front of his friends.

Kyle Broflovski

Don't get scared up in the mountains, Cartman.

Eric Cartman

Shut up! I'm not scared of nothin'.

Stan Marsh

Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too, Cartman.

Kenny McCormick

[Mumbles unintelligibly]

Uncle Jimbo

Oh, ho! That's digusting!

Mayor McDaniels is an idiot. In the nicest possible way. Let's just say that when God was handing out brains, she was at the back of the queue, looking the wrong way and licking a window.

Personal Assistant

Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.

Mayor McDaniels

My geologist? Now? Tell him the infection is fine and I don't need another check-up.

Personal Assistant

No, Mayor... that's a gynaecologist. A geologist studies the Earth.

Mayor McDaniels

Don't you think I know that? How dare you insult my intellect. I went to Princeton for God's sake. You get out of my office.

Personal Assistant

I'm not in your office, Mayor. I'm talking to you through a speaker.

Mayor McDaniels

Just send in the geometrist.

Personal Assistant

Geologist.

Mayor McDaniels

You are fired, buddy.

Personal Assistant

Thank you, Mayor. It's been great working for you.

Another fart joke. Just never gets tired, does it? I mean... here Stan and Kyle are, having a sensible, grown-up conversation when Kyle ruins it all with his uncontrollable flatulence.

Kyle Broflovski

Well, Stan. You wanna know what I think?

Stan Marsh

What?

Kyle Broflovski

[Farts]

Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to town. It's a chance for some much-needed positive publicity for the town and for Mayor McDaniels.

Mayor McDaniels

Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park! Oh, my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves. To show that we're not just some p*ssant white-bread mountain town.

Assistant #1

Better yet, it's a chance for you to get publicity.

Mayor McDaniels

Yes! If I can show just how much I turned South Park around, I could become a senator!

Assistant #2

Maybe even a state senator!

Assistant #1

Mayor, we should decorate the town square.

Assistant #2

Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing a song and plant the ethnic diversity of our town.

Mayor McDaniels

That's right! He's a black guy, isn't he?

Assistant #1

Black as the night itself, Mayor.

Mayor McDaniels

Yes! And we can have the children of South Park put on a little play. Kathie Lee loves children.

Assistant #1

If they're working in a sweatshop, that is.

Assistant #2

Oh!

Assistant #1

Ouch! Thank you.

Eric is trying to turn lard cake into beef cake with the use of Weight Gain 4000. And whilst he's certainly bulking up, it's not in a good way.

Eric Cartman

Hey, dudes.

Kyle Broflovski

What is wrong with you, Cartman? Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?

Eric Cartman

I have a nice body, and I wanna show it off! You got that?

Stan Marsh

What? You've got to weigh ninety pounds!

Eric Cartman

I'm up to ninety-four, thank you very much.

Kenny McCormick

[Mumbles unintelligibly]

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's!

[KYLE, KENNY and STAN laugh]

Eric is really starting to fill out nicely... if his intention was to become morbidly obese overnight, that is!

Kyle Broflovski

Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.

Eric Cartman

Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.

Kyle Broflovski

You're not filling out nicely. You're fatter than ever!

Eric Cartman

I'm not fat, I'm getting in shape!

Kyle Broflovski

Cartman, you're such a fat-ass, that when you walk down the street people go, "God... damnit! That's a big fat ass!"

Eric Cartman

No, they don't, you jealous weakling!

Passer-by

Goddamn, that's a big fat ass!

Eric Cartman

HEY!

Mr. Garrison has a grudge against Kathie Lee Gifford because she once unfairly beat him in a talent show. And now it's time to get his revenge. Deadly revenge.

Mr. Garrison

Hello, Officer Barbrady.

Officer Barbrady

Nice gun.

Mr. Garrison

Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot... uh, view of Kathie Lee?

Officer Barbrady

Mmmm. You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet.

Mr. Garrison

Thank you, Officer Barbrady.

Officer Barbrady

No problem.

The thing about Chef is that whenever he breaks into song, it's about sex. About licking, and moaning, and groaning, and caressing. It's just not appropriate!

Mayor McDaniels

It is with great pride and honour that I'd like to welcome... Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park! And now our very own South Park Elementary chef will sing a special song in honour of Mrs. Lee Gifford!

Chef

Thank you, Mr. Mayor. You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way or... or special in an extra-value meal at Happy Burger way. No, no, no, no, no. I mean special. Like the song of the hummingbird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning and letting their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy.

♪ Oh, Kathie Lee. How I'd love to lay you down. And lick every inch of your body with my tongue.

Mayor McDaniels

What?

Chef

♪ Kathie Lee. You're my sexual fantasy.

Mayor McDaniels

WHAT?!

Chef

♪ How 'bout you and me?

Mayor McDaniels

Uh... uh, thank you, Chef, for that heart-warming song. Thank you, Chef!

If you're going to insult the town and towns-folk of which you are the mayor, it's probably best not to do it whilst standing in front of a live microphone.

Mayor McDaniels

No, no! Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever with all these stupid, hick, redneck, jobless, truck-driving idiots!

Assistant #2

Mayor, the mike is on.

Sparky. He's good with colours. He prefers the company of other (male) dogs. He's not the "marrying kind." You picking up what I'm laying down here? Sparky is gay.

Stan Marsh

He's part Doberman, and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.

Eric Cartman

No way! Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.

Stan Marsh

He's not meaner than Sparky!

Eric Cartman

Oh, yeah? Let's see. Hey, Sylvester!

Stan Marsh

Sparky will kick his ass!

Eric Cartman

I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.

Stan Marsh

You're on, dude! That's it, Sparky. Kick his ass!

Eric Cartman

Huh. He's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.

Stan Marsh

Sparky, bad dog!

Kenny McCormick

[Mumbles unintelligibly]

Stan Marsh

WHAT?!

Eric Cartman

Yeah, dude. I think your dog is gay.

Stan Marsh

What do you mean?

Eric Cartman

That dog is a gay homosexual.

It doesn't matter whether Stan's dog, Sparky is gay or straight. Not to Stan or anyone else with half a brain. Which is unfortunate because if there's one thing Eric doesn't have...

Eric Cartman

You see me block that defence today? I was kicking ass.

Stan Broflovski

You gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.

Eric Cartman

Hey! Speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's homo dog!

Stan Marsh

Shut up, dude!

Frank is a sports commentator who, inexplicably, is live on TV commentating on an elementary school football game. And he can't help but put his foot in it every time he speaks.

Commentator Frank

Fumble! Middle Park gets the ball, they run it in for a touchdown! The score's seven nothing Middle Park, with fourteen fifty-seven remaining in the first quarter.

Uncle Jimbo

Hell's bells.

Commentator Frank

I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King!

Commentator #2

Now, Frank that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.

Commentator Frank

Right, right. I... I gotta watch that.

Commentator Frank. Perhaps he has Tourette's. Perhaps he has no inner monologue. Or perhaps he has verbal diarrhoea. Whatever the cause, he needs to shut up!

Commentator Frank

Just over a minute to go in the half, the score is Middle Park Cowboys fifty-two, South Park Cows zero.

[PIP PIRRIP is taken down violently by several opponents]

Commentator Frank

I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant!

Commentator #2

Dude! Now, that is not cool.

Commentator Frank

Sorry, sorry.

Kenny has been torn apart by the Middle Park Cowboys. Literally. He's been both decapitated and torn limb from limb. I think Kyle speaks for us all when he says...

Kyle Broflovski

Oh my God! They killed Kenny. You bastards!

Oh, no. Oh, HELL no. Frank has definitely gone too far, this time. When they come back from the break I want to see an empty chair and abandoned headset. Frank needs to take the long walk home.

Commentator Frank

The South Park Cows are being molested by Middle Park! I haven't seen so many children molested since -

Kyle Broflovski

Hey, Stan. I'm open. I think!

Commentator Frank

And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid. Oh, my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!

Commentator #2

Dude!

Stan is being bullied by his sister, Shelly. What he needs is the support of his friends. What he gets, however is far from what he needs.

Eric Cartman

Your sister beat you up again, huh?

Stan Marsh

No!

Eric Cartman

Yep! Your sister kicked your ass!

Stan Marsh

She's just p*ssed off 'cos she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me.

Kyle Broflovski

Yeah, but that sucks you get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.

Eric Cartman

I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, "HEY! You get your b**ch-ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"

This is just one of Mr. Garrison's catchphrases and we think it'd be perfect as a message tone - especially for someone you don't hear from very often.

Mr. Garrison

Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie.

If Stan can't get the love and support he needs from his friends, perhaps Mr. Garrison can help. Then again... perhaps not.

Mr. Garrison

Oh, dear. Here, Stanley. Sit down, have some cocoa, and tell your friend Mr. Hat all about it.

Mr. Hat

I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me anything. Now, who hits you? Is it your father or your mother?

Stan Marsh

Neither, it's my sister.

Mr. Garrison

Your sister?! Oh, for Pete's sake, don't be such a little wuss! Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy little foo-foo problems and give me back my cocoa!

Introducing Doctor Alphonse Mephesto, South Park's answer to Jurassic Park's John Hammond. Only, Doctor Mephesto is rather fixated on giving monkeys four asses.

Dr. Alphonse Mephesto

I'm so pleased that you children are interested in genetic engineering. It's thanks to the wonders of genetic engineering that soon, there will be an end to hunger, disease, pollution, even war. I have created things that will change the world for the better. For instance, here's a monkey with four asses.

Four-Assed Monkey

[Grunts]

Finally, Stan is getting some good advice. From Kyle, that is. Kenny is suggesting that Stan boink his own sister.

Kyle Broflovski

Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelly. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her, "Shelly, you're my sister. And I love you."

Kenny McCormick

[Mumbles unintelligibly]

Stan Marsh

Sick, dude. She's my sister!

How did little Eric become so anti-Semitic? He does know that Judaism is a religion and not an insult, doesn't he?

Liane Cartman

Eric, dear. I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.

Eric Cartman

That's a bunch of crap. Kyle's mom is a f[BEEP]ing Jew.

Liane Cartman

Oh. Okay, hon.

Diarrhoea. It's nature's way of saying, "You shouldn't have eaten that." Or, "That chicken could have done with a couple more minutes."

Kenny McCormick

[Mumbles]

Oh no!

[We see KENNY walk into the bathroom and then hear the world fall out of his bottom]

Mr. Garrison is in a portable toilet and it sounds like he's exploding. When he emerges, he has this pearl of wisdom to explain the terrible sounds he's been making.

[MR. GARRISON emerges from a portable toilet]

Mr. Garrison

Oh, I think I've caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning. I've got the green apple splatters.

[The crowd laugh]

Marvin Marsh is Stan's elderly and suicidal grandpa. And he's always coming up with novel ways to pop his cork. And, no... that's not a sexual euphemism. Jesus... why would you think that?!

Marvin Marsh

[Sighs mournfully]

Stan Marsh

Hi, Grandpa. I brought my friends over to watch TV, if that's okay.

Marvin Marsh

Billy, help Grandpa stick this fork in the outlet.

Stan Marsh

No, Grandpa. I'll get in trouble.

Marvin Marsh

Kill me, goddamn it.

Stan Marsh

No. I can't even kill a deer.

Marvin Marsh

Well, then have one of your little friends do it. You can kill me, can't you?

Eric Cartman

I would never kill somebody. Not unless they p*ssed me off.

Marvin Marsh

Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something, porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little b**ch.

Eric Cartman

WHAT?!

Marvin Marsh

That's right.

Stan Marsh

GRANDPA!

Marvin Marsh

And then, I dug up your great grandma's skeleton and had my way with her, too.

Eric Cartman

HEY!

Marvin Marsh

Choice piece of ass, your great grandma.

Eric Cartman

YOU PIECE OF CRAP. I'LL KILL YOU!

Marvin Marsh

That's the spirit, tubby.

Stan Marsh

Come on, Cartman. He's just trying to get to you.

Eric Cartman

DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOM LIKE THAT!

Stan Marsh

We can go watch Terrance & Phillip in the kitchen.

Marvin Marsh

I ever tell you about the time I boofed your dad, fatso?

In South Park, the local cable channel has a very famous presenter. He's none other than Jesus Christ. Yes. The Jesus Christ. Son of God and all that...

Jesus

First caller. You're on Jesus & Pals.

Martin

Yeah, is this Jesus?

Jesus

Yes, caller. You need to turn your TV down. That's why you're getting that weird feedback.

Martin

Oh, sorry. Uh, this is Martin -

Jesus

- Martin from Aspen Park, yes I know.

Martin

How the hell d'ya know that?

Jesus

Well, maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac. Now, do you have a question?

A protest sparked by Sheila Broflovski against Terrance & Phillip has gathered momentum. It's time the president of the TV network made a public statement. And here he is now...

Protestor

Look! It's the president of the network.

John Warson

Ladies and gentlemen, My name is John Warson. I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network.

[Clears his throat and reads from a piece of paper in his hand]

F[BEEP]k you!

Oh, for the love of... REALLY? What kind of school teacher makes a comment like this anywhere near an elementary school child? Mr. Garrison, that's who. Kill him. Kill him with fire!

Mr. Garrison

Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples, now. You go first, Bebe.

[BEBE STEVENS begins bobbing for apples]

Mr. Garrison

That's good. Just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.

Terrance & Phillip. What is it with these two and flatulence? This is the entire basis of their show. One of them farting, the other one laughing and then retaliating. It's genius!

Terrance

Hey, Phillip! Could you pass the beans?

Phillip

Beans? Uh-oh. Looks like we'll be at war with these Indians soon.

[TERRANCE attempts to fart and is heard straining]

Terrance

Wait, wait, wait!

[TERRANCE attempts to fart and is heard straining]

Here it comes!

[He finally farts]

Terrance / Phillip

[Both laugh]

Terrance

I crapped my pants!

Phillip

I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf!

Terrance

I spat in his face!

Phillip

Now he's a smelly Indian!

Terrance / Phillip

[Both laugh]

Kyle is Jewish as you've probably already realised. But rather than celebrate Hanukkah, he instead mourns Christmas. It's kind of heart-breaking. But at least he has some latkes to look forward to. They're lovely!

Kyle Broflovski

♪
It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas,
my friends won't let me join in any games.
And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree,
or leave water out for Rudolph, `cause there's something wrong with me.
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity.

I'm a Jew.
A lonely Jew.
On Christmas.

Hanukkah is nice but why is it,
that Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latkes,
instead of Silent Night, I'm singing kol kach Or chaviv.
And what the f[BEEP]k is up with lighting all these f[BEEP]king candles, tell me please?

I'm a Jew.
A lonely Jew.
I'd be merry but I'm Hebrew.
On Christmas.

Oh yes. This is what EVERYBODY needs on their phone at Christmas. It's Mr. Hankey's trademark entrance. Hi-dee-ho!

Mr. Hankey

Hi-dee-ho!

Kids... be careful if you go sneaking around the closets and drawers of your parents' bedroom looking for your gifts before Christmas. You never know what you might find.

Stan Marsh

You guys, I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas.

Eric Cartman

How do you know?

Stan Marsh

'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.

Eric Cartman

Yeah? Well, I sneaked around my mom's closet, too. And saw what I'm getting. The Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000.

Kyle's mom is a b**ch. Not my words and not my opinion. No. Those are the words of Eric Cartman. And here, not for the last time, he puts them to music.

Eric Cartman

How 'bout we sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid B**ch" in D-Minor?

Kyle Broflovski

I told you not to call my mom a b**ch, Cartman.

Eric Cartman

Ohhhhh.

♪
Welllllll....
Kyle's mom's a b**ch, she's a big fat b**ch,
she's the biggest b**ch in the whole wide world.
She's a stupid b**ch, if there ever was a b**ch,
she's a b**ch to all the boys and girls.

Kyle Broflovski

Shut up, Cartman!

Mr. Hankey

Hi-dee-ho!

Kyle Broflovski

Mr. Hankey!

Eric Cartman

♪
On Monday, she's a b**ch,
on Tuesday, she's a b**ch,
on Wednesday through Saturday, she's a b**ch.
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
she's a super King Kamehameha bi-аtch!

Mr. Hankey

Golly, that isn't very nice. I'd... I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.

Eric Cartman

♪
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest b**ch in the whole wide world.
She's a mean ol' b**ch and she has stupid hair,
she's a b**ch, b**ch, b**ch, b**ch, b**ch, b**ch, b**ch!
B**ch, b**ch, b**ch, b**ch, b**ch, b**ch, b**ch, b**ch,
she's a stupid b**ch!
Kyle's mom's a b**ch,
and she's such a dirty b**ch!

Kyle's mom... is a b**ch!

Pip is English. And poor. And, for some reason, particularly unpopular. He's the constant butt of everyone's jokes (practical and otherwise). The poor sod.

Pip Pirrip

Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation.

Eric Cartman

Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation? Let's see. Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... oh! I remember. I shoved it up my ass! Yes, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance that you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.

This joke is subtle. The latin phrase Rectus dominus as sung by the spooky choir in this clip literally translates to Ass master. Bet you never knew that, huh?

Mr. Garrison

We have a new student joining our class today. Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town. So I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... uh, wh... what's your name again?

Damien

Damien.

Choir

♪
Rectus dominus.

[This literally translates to "Ass master" in Latin]

Another one of Mr. Garrison's catchphrases. Slightly more child-friendly, this one but it still conjures up an amusing mental image. I mean poop... on a stick!

Mr. Garrison

Holy poop on a stick!

Wendy Testaburger. She's sweet and innocent. She looks like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. But make a move on Stan Marsh, and she'll scratch your eyes out.

Wendy Testaburger

Can I tell you something, Miss Ellen?

Miss Ellen

Of course, Wendy.

Wendy Testaburger

Don't f[BEEP]k with me!

Miss Ellen

What?

Wendy Testaburger

You heard me. Stay away from my man, b**ch or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year!

Oh dear. When Eric asked his mother what a lesbian was, she made reference to... "licking carpet." Which Eric took quite literally.

Eric Cartman

This is a bunch of crap. I've been licking this carpet for 3 hours, and I still don't feel like a lesbian!

We all like to know where we came from. Our heritage is important because it establishes where we belong, socially and emotionally. But for Eric, that could be a slight problem.

Eric Cartman

I wanna know where I came from.

Liane Cartman

Oh, hmm. Well, you see, Eric sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other they want to be close to each other.

Eric Cartman

Uh-huh.

Liane Cartman

And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.

Eric Cartman

So, who put his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha?

Eric has found Chief Running Water - the man his mother has told him is his father. But that's not the case. And it sounds like eliminating possible fathers is going to be tricky.

Chief Running Water

Look, kid. I'm not your father.

Eric Cartman

But my mom said you're the guy she was with.

Chief Running Water

Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as "Bear with wide canyon."

Eric Cartman

What do you mean?

Chief Running Water

She is "Doe who cannot keep legs together."

Eric Cartman

Huh?

Chief Running Water

Your mom's a slut.

Eric Cartman

Hey!

Eric Cartman has gone to the local drinking hole to confront Mr. Garrison who is the latest in a long line of suspects who may or may not be his biological father.

Eric Cartman

All this time... why didn't you tell me, Father?

Mr. Garrison

What the hell are you talking about, Eric?

Eric Cartman

It was you all along. You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance.

Mr. Garrison

Oh.

Uncle Jimbo

Garrison? That's impossible, he's gay.

Mr. Garrison

I am not gay!

Eric Cartman

Then you did sleep with my mom?

Mr. Garrison

No!

Uncle Jimbo

He's gay.

Mr. Garrison

Okay, okay, I admit it. I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance, but who here didn't? Now come on, honestly, who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?

Eric says this a lot. He gets red in the face as his rage takes hold. He can't even string a sentence together. But he makes his point pretty clearly.

Eric Cartman

I'm... going... to... f[BEEP]ing... kill... you... guys... seriously!