14 MP3 Audio clips from Blackball (2003)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

Cliff is uncannily accurate, even on the grass of his housing estate. So much so that he can get his ball to land on a cigarette paper or, in this case, a used condom!

Cliff

Is it on the condom?

Trevor

It is on the condom.

Cliff

COME ON!

Clip 2

Ray is explaining that playing bowls is as easy as A, B, T.

Ray

The three As. Approach, assess, aim. The three Bs. Bend, balance, breathe. Finally, the three Ts. Target, tempo -

Cliff

TOSSER!

Ray

Who said that?

Cliff

Salutin' a fellow sportsman. Brothers... of the black ball.

Clip 3

I'm not sure that this was appropriate behaviour even in the pre-woke times in which this movie is set. You can't say this sh*t to children. It's not right. On any level. Like farting in an elevator.

Cliff

What we should do is rise above that kind of behaviour, yeah? For example, we should absolutely not take the p*ss out of them posh schoolgirls.

Trevor

I absolutely agree.

Cliff

But I can't resist it.

[CLIFF and TREVOR run outside the café just in time for some uniformed schoolgirls to cross the road]

Afternoon, ladies. My name is Cliff Starkey. I am Torquay's first sexual theme park. And this here is the Barry White of St. Helens.

Trevor

The slug of love!

Clip 4

Reg Boyt. A fine eye, a steady hand and definitely not a porn star.

Cliff

Reg Boyt, ladies and gentlemen. Reg Boyt. Three cheers for Reg. A fine eye, a steady hand, and possibly the only Bowls player in Britain still to be a working porn star. How about that, eh?

Ray

What did he say?

Cliff

What? You've never seen Reg Does Paignton?

Ray

Did he say porn?

Cliff

It was the follow-up to, uh... Open Your Legs, I Need My Teeth Back, wasn't it, Reg?

Clip 5

No running, no diving, no bombing, no petting... no fun.

Ray

I have always felt that a town could be judged on the decorum, conduct and standards maintained by its swimming pools. And therefore, I propose that in addition to the notices reading, "No Diving", "No Running", "No Bombing", and "No Petting", we now add the sign... "No Thongs."

[There's a ripple of applause from the other Town Council members]

Clip 6

There are two types of bowlers. Well, three if you count the hat, I guess. And Cliff and Ray are poles apart.

Kerry

I wouldn't have had you down as a Bowls player.

Cliff

Oh, you see, that depends on what your definition of a Bowls player is. Right? You see, what is this Bowls player of which you speak? You can't define it. You see? And that is because you don't -

Kerry

Yes I can.

Cliff

No, no, no. You can't.

Kerry

Yes, I can. It's a fifty-year-old with a mental age of seventy. Who reads the Daily Mail, votes Conservative and thinks that a quality shag is something you put in your pipe.

Cliff

You see, what I'm trying to say, right, if you let me bloody finish for a moment, is that there are, in fact, two types of bowlers. Yeah? There's bowlers like me. Bowlers this town don't want to know about. Who grew up playing on any crappy bit of grass you could find, right? You have to sneak onto ornamental gardens like this just to get a taste... of that green velvet.

[The door of the Town Hall swings open and we see RAY looking out]

Ray

Kerry?

Cliff

Then there's bloody Nazi twats like him.

Kerry

Coming, Dad!

Cliff

Bollocks!

Clip 7

Defacing a score card is a breach of the rules. And referring to a senior player as a "tosser" is definitely not cricket. Well, not bowls I guess is the more accurate phrase.

[The senior member of the Bowls club are trying to decipher what's been scrawled on RAY'S scorecard]

Giles

Mr. Speight... is...

Ray

Mr. Speight is a tosser.

Giles

Tosser. What do you understand by the phrase, "Tosser"?

Ray

Well, I am aware that as a Bowls player, I am defacto a despatcher of bowls. However, my past knowledge of Mr. Starkey would lead me to believe he intended the vernacular sense.

Cliff

He's gonna say it!

Ray

Of masturbator.

[CLIFF and TREVOR begin to laugh uncontrollably]

Clip 8

Kerry might be Ray's daughter but she couldn't be more different if she tried. Cliff is asking her out on a date, if she has no plans with her father, that is.

Cliff

He's still a tosser, right? And I reserve my right to that opinion. But he is your dad. Uh, even though he's a twat. And I could possibly have been a little bit more tactical (sic). You know, blah-dee-blah-dee-blah. Anyway, six-thirty? Havant Gardens? Unless of course Friday night is Monopoly night in the Speight household, in which case I strongly advise you to buy the stations early on.

Clip 9

Cliff doesn't have time for a "boys night in" which, apparently, consists of the three Ps. Pizza, Pilsner and Porn. Who knew?!

Kerry

Cliff.

Cliff

Yeah?

Kerry

I fu*king hate Bowls.

[This romantic conversation is interrupted by TREVOR]

Trevor

WAHEY!

Cliff

Shhhhh!

Trevor

I've got the three Ps. Pizza, Pilsner and porn.

Clip 10

As Cliff moves ever closer to his dream, he grows further and further away from his grandfather.

Cliff

And you're looking at, right, as of this morning, the first Bowls player in history to be asked to present an MTV award.

Mutley

Is that in your capacity as a Bowls player, or a pr**k?!

Clip 11

Trevor is Cliff's best friend. WAS Cliff's best friend. Now he's an employee. A bodyguard. A skivvy. And he's not best pleased about the situation, to be honest.

Cliff

I mean, if you're not enjoying this, mate, right? If you're not going to be grateful for everything that I've -

Trevor

GRATEFUL?!

Cliff

Yeah. If you're not going to be grateful -

Trevor

GRATEFUL?

Cliff

It's a bloody free holiday, mate. Do you not realise that?

Trevor

Oh, well. Thank you. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SIT ON MY ASS WHILE YOU HAVE A SHAG.

Cliff

A shag?

Trevor

FOR LETTING THEM TELL ME I CAN'T HAVE ME DINNER 'TIL YOU'VE HAD YOURS FIRST. THANKS FOR LETTING THEM CALL ME A "FT FU*KING BUTTER-BALL." YEAH. ALL IN ALL, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. BUT FUNNY THING IS, NEXT TIME I FANCY HOLIDAY, I'LL GO TO FU*KING THOMAS COOK!

Clip 12

Ray is losing friends faster than Hitler. Even his most stayed supporters are beginning to see him for what he really is. A tosser, a pr**k, and an a**hole.

Ray

What is it about Bowls that so encourages friendship?

Alan

Tosser.

Giles

Pr**k.

Hugh

A**hole.

Clip 13

Ray is defending Bowls from what he believes is a credible threat. That threat is Cliff Starkey. A man who's bringing the sport into disrepute. And banging his daughter.

Ray

And this, we must remember, now particularly when our sport is under attack, well look... here we are again.

[RAY picks up a newspaper]

The indiscipline, and bad language of this...

[He spots a paparazzi photograph of CLIFF and his own daughter, KERRY in a compromising position]

...fu*king wa*ker!

Clip 14

Giles has checked the rule book and, apparently, it's not against the rules to say the word, "wa*ker."

[GILES rings RAY'S doorbell urgently and the door is answered by the man himself]

Giles

Ray! We checked the rule book and you can say the word, "wa*ker."

[RAY slams the front door in GILES' face]