15 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of The Thick of It (2005)

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The name Robyn is the exclusively female spelling of Robin. But Robin can also be female. Something which Hugh might have thought about before meeting Robyn Murdoch for the first time.

Ollie Reader

That's Robyn. That's Robyn... Robyn Murdoch, isn't it?

Hugh Abbot

That's Robyn Murdoch? I always thought Robyn Murdoch was a bloke.

Ollie Reader

No. No, That's...

Hugh Abbot

I always thought that was Robyn Murdoch's secretary. I always thought that was someone whose name I didn't know.

Ollie Reader

No, that's Robyn.

Hugh Abbot

Oh, turns out I didn't know her name, after all. But I had it attached to someone unknown's face.

Ollie has been seconded to Number Ten. It's news to Hugh and Glenn believes it's only because he makes a banging cup of cappuccino.

Hugh Abbot

Can we send a revised biography, not that photo with that moustache? I look like a disgraced geography teacher.

Ollie Reader

I can't help you with that, Hugh. I've been seconded. I'm off for the week.

Hugh Abbot

We beg to fu*king differ. Where are you going?

Ollie Reader

Number Ten. I got the call from Malcolm at six this morning. If it's all right with you, which he said obviously it would be.

Hugh Abbot

Oh, well, obviously it is, then.

Glenn Cullen

They only want him to make cappuccinos.

Hugh Abbot

He does it very well. It's the way you waggle your finger in it.

Ollie Reader

Yeah, you think it's my finger, b**ch.

Ollie's arrived at Malcolm's office. Malcom's surprised to see him there... in the corridor.

Malcolm Tucker

Sam! Sam, a coffee and a fu*king skinny muffin if that's possible. What the fu*k are you doing here?

Ollie Reader

I thought you said today, Malcolm.

Malcolm Tucker

I mean what are you doing there?

Ollie Reader

Sorry. I didn't want to interrupt. I never know what you're doing.

Malcolm Tucker

If the PM's giving me a blow job, I always put a sign up.

I think perhaps politicians receive training in avoiding awkward questions from the electorate. And Pauline McKendrick is about to prove my theory.

Hugh Abbot

Hello. Thank you very much. Nice to meet you. Are these some of the employees? May I say hello? Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hello.

Pauline McKendrick

Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's p*ss?

Hugh Abbot

I'm sorry?

Pauline McKendrick

Do you? She was in that home for sixteen weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's p*ss?

Hugh Abbot

That's... that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you.

Pauline McKendrick

Do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's p*ss?

Hugh Abbot

I'm not the right person to talk to about this.

Pauline McKendrick

Who do I talk to?

Hugh Abbot

Urinary and affairs like that are more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you. What a fantastic... what fantastic landscaping! I think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace...

Glenn has been lumbered with Pauline McKendrick who's still banging on about having to clean up her own mother's p*ss. He's had about as much as he can stand of hearing it.

Glenn Cullen

The... the thing is, don't panic. You know...

Pauline McKendrick

..because it's disgusting! You cannot treat people like this!

Glenn Cullen

Can you please shut up for one fu*king minute? I'm asking nicely. Please!

Glenn Cullen could do with some lessons in the delicate art of flirting because, frankly, he sucks at it. He sounds like everyone's grandfather.

Robyn Murdoch

I've really got to go. I don't want to be late.

Hugh Abbot

God, don't be late.

Robyn Murdoch

Apparently, they shout at the last one in.

Glenn Cullen

If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears.

[ROBYN leaves]

Hugh Abbot

Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap. Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex?

Glenn Cullen

That is between me and my internet service provider.

The fact that Glenn wants to get inside Robyn's panties is not lost on his boss. And he can't resist the temptation to slip it in (so to speak) during their conversation.

Glenn Cullen

Hugh. After Cabinet, you are going to...?

Hugh Abbot

Talk to Tucker? About the reshuffle?

Glenn Cullen

Yeah.

Hugh Abbot

I'll pop in and just slip it in during the conversation. Much as you're intending to do with Robyn, I suspect.

Hugh Abbot is not liked by the Prime Minister's wife. And that's a problem. Because, although it's wrong, if she doesn't like him, he's just never going to be successful, is he?

Hugh Abbot

I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just...

Ollie Reader

What does that mean?

Hugh Abbot

Fu*k knows what it means. But I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary." And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling."

And still the jibes about Glenn's feelings for young Robyn continue to prevail. Only now it's bordering on bullying.

Hugh Abbot

Terri says there's a list of Question Time producers in her top desk drawer. Are you okay, Robyn?

Robyn Murdoch

Erm... yeah.

Hugh Abbot

[To GLENN CULLEN]

Have you been touching her inappropriately?

Glenn Cullen

Fu*k off!

Glenn is rapidly becoming little more than the butt of Hugh's jokes. And now Ollie is joining in. Glenn surely can't take much more of this...

Hugh Abbot

I am desperate, but I don't want to look desperate, like Glenn.

Glenn Cullen

Oh, God, here we go again. Like Glenn, what?

Hugh Abbot

I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was...

Ollie Reader

Basic Instinct.

Hugh Abbot

That's good. That's the repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final tsssss! That's the bit I'm missing.

Glenn Cullen

Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife.

Hugh Abbot

Okay, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.

Julius Nicholson. Blue-sky thinker, ex-business guru... dog rapist. Quite possibly.

Malcolm Tucker

Right, guys. Thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right?

Hugh Abbot

Yep.

Malcolm Tucker

Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist?

Hugh Abbot

Quite possibly.

Hugh has sent an abusive e-mail to the wrong person. Terri is taking the fall for it. And she's about to do so very, very publicly.

Malcolm Tucker

Right, Terri. You're giving a press conference in ninety minutes. You're going to apologise. There's your statement. Learn it.

Terri Coverley

Erm...I organise the press conferences. I don't give them, normally.

Malcolm Tucker

Oh, God! As you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you. What happens is this. A bunch of press people appear. They have things called cameras and microphones, and mobile phones, hangovers and bad breath. Then you are going to walk out and read from what we call a prepared statement. In that, you will say, "I'm really fu*king sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an eight-year-old girl a c*nt again. Can we now just draw a line over this and fu*king move on? Thank you." Everybody goes home and we see what happens. Best case is you keep your job, although you will be The Sweary Woman of Whitehall.

It's probably best, unless you have balls the size of clock weights, not to ask Malcolm Tucker to stop swearing. Because he's almost certainly going to tell you to fu*k off in response.

Malcolm Tucker

Will you two get the paper trail sorted and get your story sorted out.

Civil Servant

I'm sorry, can you... can you stop swearing please?

Malcolm Tucker

I'm really sorry. You won't hear any more swearing from us, you MASSIVE, GAY SH*TE! FU*K OFF!

Do you know someone you hate? Someone you'd like to tell to fu*k off? Well, next time they call or text, why not have your phone say just that?!

Malcolm Tucker

FU*K OFF!

Hugh's had a bad day. A day so bad that the only thing left to go wrong is his office going up in flames and being extinguished with liquefied human excrement. Yeah, that bad!

Ollie Reader

You're in there.

Hugh Abbot

I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human sh*t through the ceiling sprinklers.