6 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of The Smell of Reeves & Mortimer (1993)

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Those adverts for special interest magazines (no, not that sort of special interest magazine). No, I mean... well, Dogs in Hats, for example. Now that's pretty damned specialist.

Narrator

Alsatian, trilby. Poodle, bowler. Whippet, bobble hat. Dulux dog, crash helmet. Terrier, bonnet. Yes, dogs and hats. But what about dogs wearing hats? YES, yes, yes, oh, yes! Over 5,000 enchanting photographs of dogs in their hats. This sumptuous coffee table companion comes with a complimentary copy of Cats in Bomber Jackets. Dogs & Their Hats is available in your newsagents now. Only £29.99.

Baywatch. Did anyone actually watch that show for its storylines? Well, I certainly didn't. I was a teenager which meant every episode of that show led to an increase in profits for Kleenex.

Bob Mortimer

Later on, ladies and gentlemen, we've got David Hasselhoff, you know, from Baywatch. Now I know that programme's got its knockers but I think you'll find he's a very nice man indeed.

Vic Reeves

Yes, and he's going to be coming on the show with some of the out-takes from his show. And there really are some incredible boobs.

Bob Mortimer

But surprisingly few c*ck-ups.

Vic Reeves

Yeah, that's right. And I don't know if you've noticed, Bob but in Baywatch some of the women there have got very large breasts.

Bob Mortimer

I've never noticed that.

Vic Reeves

No, I haven't noticed that, either.

When Bob suddenly feels queasy, who does he turn to but his best friend, Vic for a diagnosis?

Bob Mortimer

Oh, I feel a bit... queasy. I feel a bit ill.

Vic Reeves

Why is that?

Bob Mortimer

I don't know. It's just come on sudden.

Vic Reeves

From looking at me trotter?

Bob Mortimer

No, it wasn't your trotter type area. I just feel a bit ill.

Vic Reeves

It's not where that bloke pulled your spine out, is it?

Bob Mortimer

No, that's all mended up now.

Vic Reeves

You were like a Tina Turner concert after that, weren't you?

Bob Mortimer

No, Vic. I was like a concertina. You wouldn't have a look at us, would you, Vic?

Vic Reeves

Of course I can. What am I here for?

Bob Mortimer

Well, if you would, please.

Vic Reeves

All right, let's have a look. Cough.

Bob Mortimer

What did you say?

Vic Reeves

Cough.

Bob Mortimer

Don't swear at me, Vic. Especially when I'm not feeling very well.

Vic Reeves

Cough.

Bob Mortimer

Oh, "cough."

[Coughs]

Vic Reeves

Ooh. Well, by the flavour of that... I suggest that you require calcium, iron, vitamins C, D and E and a supplement of riboflavin and thiamine.

Bob Mortimer

Basically corn flakes, then. Yeah?

Vic Reeves

Basically corn flakes.

Bob Mortimer

Well, thanks very much indeed, Vic.

[BOB bits VIC in the face with a frying pan]

Remember Masterchef? No, not the new version with Gregg Wallace and John Torode. I mean the original show with Loyd Grossman. Well, then you'll love this parody.

Loyd Grossman

Hello and welcome to Master Chef. Tonight we'll be meeting three of Britain's most innovative new chefs. And so without any further ado, let's go over now to the red kitchen and meet the first of our new chefs, Joan Baptiste. Hello, Joan. Now this first dish here is not only innovative, it looks absolutely dishlicious. So tell us about it, Joan.

Joan Baptiste

This is a face plate in the form of Jesus Christ for children to learn the story of Jesus.

Loyd Grossman

Okay, right. Now, we instantly see that it's got two eggs for eyes, a tomato and a sausage.

Joan Baptiste

The story unfolds. See, the people follow him, he is happy. See, they betray him, he is sad. See, his eyes are lovely and open...

Loyd Grossman

Yeah, okay, I can see the eyes. There, look at that.

[GROSSMAN dips the sausage into one of the eyes, breaking the yolk]

Joan Baptiste

Oh, he's bloody crying now!

Loyd Grossman

But these ears here, they look really realistic. What are they made of?

[JOAN pulls back her hair to reveal that she's amputated her own ears]

Joan Baptiste

No sacrifice is too great when you're making a Jesus face plate.

Loyd Grossman

Oh, my God! And I did not make your stupid dinner cry, okay? Let's move on now to our second chef. It's Quentin Mills.

Quentin Mills

Yeah.

Loyd Grossman

Hello, Quentin.

Quentin Mills

Hello, my dear fellow. How are you?

Loyd Grossman

Hello, and what have we got here?

Quentin Mills

Why don't you take a look for yourself?

[GROSSMAN lifts the cloche to reveal a pair of buttocks on a plate]

Loyd Grossman

My, God! It's not, is it?

Quentin Mills

I rather think it is, sir.

Loyd Grossman

How innovative! Let's take a slice.

Quentin Mills

Oh no, don't do that!

[As GROSSMAN cuts into the buttocks, the owner screams and they disappear from view revealing a cut-out in the table]

Loyd Grossman

Oh, I say! What a cheek! Okay, moving on to our final chef over here. In the blue kitchen, it's Lucas Bonchambre, who's world famous for his exquisitely designed replica cakes and puddings. And I don't think anybody could fail to see what this one is supposed to be.

Lucas Bonchambre

That's right. Cake a shoe. It's a shoe cake. Cake like a shoe. Shoe cake. Cake a shoe.

Loyd Grossman

Well, it certainly is very realistic. So let's take a slice.

[GROSSMAN can't cut the cake because it's actually a shoe]

Lucas, this is a shoe.

Lucas Bonchambre

No, it's a shoe cake. It's a cake like a shoe.

Loyd Grossman

Show me your feet. Look, it's a shoe! Lucas, does this mean that I ate a pair of trousers in your restaurant last week?

Lucas Bonchambre

No, cake a trouser. Trouser cake. It's cake like trousers. Trousers but a cake. Try this phone. I got a cakey phone here. Try that. Cakey phone.

Loyd Grossman

But it... Lucas, you're just a fakey cake-maker and I ain't got time for you. Well, I think you'll agree, we've seen some very innovative dishes tonight. And all that remains is the difficult task of choosing a winner.

[Farts]

Well, I've just cogitated and the winner tonight is Quentin Mills. Well done, Quentin. And I can't wait to get stuck into his dish.

They say the best songs are inspired by tragedy. And this is no exception.

Narrator

August 12, 1974 and Flight 709 out of Nova Scotia Airport Number One has boarded out of gate 7. On board, the German rock band Wensleydale Cheese. Exactly one hour into the flight, Captain Holland suddenly realises that the plane he is flying is obsolete and in total disrepair to such an extent that it would be barely fit for transporting pigs. On hearing this, the co-pilot immediately dies of starvation. Meanwhile, 30,000 feet below, at an American army camp, the snack bar owner announces the arrival of the pies and the excited soldiers hurl their caps into the air by way of celebration. Unfortunately, the caps are thrown directly into the path of Flight 709, hampering the pilot's steering and forcing the plane to crash into the camp below. Only two passengers survived that fateful teatime disaster. And here they are, Ralph and Karl Hausmann.

♪

Wensleydale Cheese

We crashed last night at teatime,
just as they were serving a light meal.
The pilot's dead, or so he said,
when we buried him.

As we look around the wreckage,
we recognise some of the faces.
The drummer's dead, or so he said,
when we asked him.

Yeah, yeah.

But at least we've got our guitars,
two cool Krauts emerging from the fuselage.
Yes, we've got our guitars,
and now we wish to play them as we are rock stars.

Yeah, yeah!

This has gotta be one of God's coldest places,
I think we better sleep in our guitar cases.
The roadie's not breathing,
the bass player's bleeding.
But it's on the backing singers that we shall be feeding.

Yeah!

But at least we've got our guitars,
two cool Krauts emerging from the fuselage.
Yes, we've got our guitars,
And we'll play and we'll play and we'll play and we'll play and we'll play

Till we die!

It may help our American visitors to know that in England, a "lass" is another word for a girl. Without that knowledge, this joke would kind of fall flat.

Bob Mortimer

Are you not gonna hit me with your frying pan, then?

Vic Reeves

No, I'm not.

Bob Mortimer

Oh, well, that's nice.

Vic Reeves

Because, Bob, I am, alas...

Bob Mortimer

But, Vic, you have no knockers!

Vic Reeves

Could you wait until I've finished?

Bob Mortimer

Oh, I'm sorry.

Vic Reeves

I am, alas, unable to match your wit and intelligence.

Bob Mortimer

Excellent! Mmmm.