58 MP3 Audio clips from Season 12 of The Simpsons (1989)

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Homer's horoscope has clearly said he's going to die. And fate is certainly trying every trick she knows to make it happen. Including a rattlesnake hanging by its fangs from his arm.

Lenny Leonard

Homer, if I may compliment you...

Homer Simpson

Yes, go on...

Lenny Leonard

That is one handsome rattlesnake you've got biting your arm there.

Carl Carlson

Yeah, that's quite fetching but, uh... aren't you worried about the deadliness?

Homer Simpson

Nah. He'll get tired of biting in an hour or so. Snakes. Nature's quitters.

In this re-imagining of Hansel & Gretel, Bart and Lisa are trapped in the witch's gingerbread house, eating their body-weight in candy in preparation for a slow roasting in her oven.

[BART is greedily inhaling candy]

Lisa Simpson

You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you.

Bart Simpson

Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Lisa Simpson

Well, at least stop basting yourself!

Dolphins have taken over Springfield and soon... the world. In response to which, Mayor Quimby makes this impassioned speech. In which he reasons that everyone is frightened. And horny! Hmm.

Mayor Quimby

[Sounding his gavel to get the crowd's attention]

People, please... we're all frightened and horny. But we can't let some killer dolphins from living and scoring.

Springfield has been split down the middle. New Springfield, of which Homer is the mayor (I know, right?!), is proving a laughing stock for Old Springfield.

Kent Brockman

As expected, New Springfield's bold experiment in slob rule is a disaster.

Homer Siimpson

Hey, the TV man is talking about us!

Kent Brockman

A study shows, their crumbling economy is due to their lazy attitude and shoddy work.

Homer Simpson

How the hell did they find that out?

Kent Brockman

Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like, "Oh yeah?", and, "Come here a minute."

Homer Simpson

Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, come here a minute.

Bart Simpson

You come here a minute.

Homer Simpson

Oh yeah?!

For the record, Kent Brockman, the term golden showers has a special, um... grown-up meaning. Where some people (I like to call them freaks) enjoy being peed on by other people.

Kent Brockan

With the money made from the gold, Old Springfield was able to buy the Evian water factory and fly it over here from France.

Homer Simpson

Ohhhhhh!

Kent Brockman

Thanks, Mayor Simpson. Because of you, we're all taking golden showers.

[The floor assistants and camera operators can be heard laughing]

What?!

Is there a point in EVERY father's life when he blows up his daughter's bedroom? If so, I missed that memo. Because I've never used C4 to tidy my daughter's bedroom, even if it looks like I have.

Lisa Simpson

[Gasps]

What's going on here?

Homer Simpson

Uh, honey? There's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.

Lisa Simpson

Oh, yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room.

[An explosion is heard in the background]

Imagine a technology that allows you to absorb great works of literature simply by attaching electrodes to your head and scrotum. And then promise yourself that you'll never buy into it.

Professor Frink

[Clears his throat]

Hi! With my infocram 6000, you can absorb books instantly by attaching this electrode to the brain pan and this one to the LOIIINS!

[The machine starts discharging electricity into the hapless PROFESSOR FRINK]

Garden... Tolstoy... searing... brain... Isaac!

Christopher... Walken. He has... such a... strange... delivery... style. Wouldn't... you agree? It's like he... forgot his... lines. Like he's emphasising the wrong syllables of every sentence.

Marge Simpson

Look, Maggie. Christopher Walken's reading Goodnight, Moon.

Christopher Walken

Goodnight... room. Goodnight... moon. Goodnight... cow... jumping... over the moon.

[The toddlers at his feet get scared and begin backing away on their hands and knees]

Please... children... schooch closer. Don't make me tell you... again. About the scooching. You in the red... chop chop. Hmm.

Krusty is signing autographs when who should he meet but his long-lost daughter, Sophie. He should have known, really. She has his hair!

Krusty the Clown

Name?

Sophie

My name is Sophie.

Krusty the Clown

Hey, good luck with that.

Sophie

I'm your daughter.

Krusty the Clown

What?

Sophie

I finally found my daddy.

Krusty the Clown

Ohh! I think I just "seltzered" myself.

John Updike

[Laughs]

Krusty the Clown

Shut up, Updike!

Johnny Tightlips has been shot. But he's no grass. He ain't saying nothin'. Which is a double-negative. If he isn't saying nothing, he's saying something. Am I right?

Louie

Johnny Tightlips... where did they hit ya?

Johnny Tightlips

I ain't sayin' nothin'.

Louie

Well, what do I tell the doctor?

Johnny Tightlips

Tell him to go suck a lemon.

The Simpsons have gone to Krusty Burger where Bart is treating them to a slap-up meal. Problem is, there are protestors dressed as farm animals on the roof.

Marge Simpson

Oh, how cute! Kids, look who's on the roof!

Homer Simpson

I knew this day would come. The cows are taking back what's theirs.

Lisa Simpson

No, I think they're protestors.

[With that, KRUSTY screeches up in his limousine and is followed out of the car by a seemingly endless chain of clowns]

Krusty the Clown

Hey, there are cows on the roof. I thought my pager was busted.

[Addressing his colleagues]

Get back in. It's only funny with a small car.

Trying to save an ancient tree by camping in its branches is pretty typical Lisa Simpson. But did she survive a powerful lightning storm that brought it crashing down?

Kent Brockman

Still unknown is the fate of tree-sitter Lisa Simpson.

Chief Wiggum

I'm afraid it doesn't look good, Kent. We found her sleeping bag right here. Our working theory is that the lightning exploded her. Back to you, Kent.

Kent Brockman

You don't get to say that!

Teachers are human. Well, some of them. Even Principal Skinner and Edna Crabapple have needs. I just wish their needs were for something other than each other!

Bart Simpson

I was trying to breed the hamster with the lizard... to create an unholy supercreature when I saw an even worse crime against nature.

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER and EDNA CRABAPPLE come into the classroom, all over each other]

Principal Skinner

Ah, head lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private "cootie call."

Edna Crabapple

Oh, you talk too much. Let's do it on Martin's desk.

Principal Skinner

It is usually the cleanest.

We've all suffered the indignity of a declined card payment. But I've never had the card reader call me a "deadbeat" in a monotonous, digitised voice.

Waiter

Excuse me, sir. Your credit card has been rejected.

Card Reader

Deadbeat! Deadbeat! Deadbeat!

Homer Simpson

Oh, how embarrassing!

Lisa looks down on the journey home to find that she's standing on the rear axle of the family car. The back seat and floorpan are missing. Hmm...

Lisa Simpson

Dad, what happened to the back seat?

Homer Simpson

I had to sell it for gas money.

[The engine dies, the fuel gauge showing empty]

Which I spent on a novelty horn.

[HOMER headbutts the steering wheel and a novelty horn sounds]

Homer needs a computer. But he knows nothing about computers. Which is lucky for this salesman who can now retire on his commission!

Homer Simpson

This is the best computer in the world and always will be, right?

Computer Salesman

Absolutely. Just run the deed to your house through here.

[HOMER runs the deed of 742 Evergreen Terrance through a scanner]

Scanner

You are on your... fifth... mortgage.

Chief Wiggum may be dumb but he's fully embraced the internet in designing the website for Springfield Police. This is a game-changer. His clear-up rate is going to soar!

Chief Wiggum

If you've committed a crime and want to confess, press YES. Otherwise, press NO.

Homer Simpson

[Presses NO]

Chief Wiggum

You have chosen no, meaning you've committed a crime but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.

Homer Simpson

HEY!

Chief Wiggum

While you wait, why not buy a police cap or t-shirt? You have the right to remain... fabulous!

Homer has been replaced with his doppelgänger. But his doppelgänger is very clearly German.

Doppelgänger Homer

Marge, honey, fraülein, I'm home!

Marge Simpson

You're not my husband.

Doppelgänger Homer

Ja. Please forgive my unexplained two-week absence. To make it up to you, we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant then have a night of efficient German sex.

Marge Simpson

Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.

Homer and Bart have started working as confidence tricksters, scammers, fraudsters. Call them what you will but their first scheme can't possibly fail.

Marge Simpson

What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?

Homer Simpson

I could ask you the very same question.

Marge Simpson

Uh, should I just back out of the room?

Homer Simpson

Would you?

[MARGE backs out of the room]

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to get one over on ol' Abe Simpson. He's the original trickster and he always has a trick up his tweed sleeve.

Abraham Simpson

Call me "Mint Jelly", 'cause I'm on the lam! Ahh! Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Given the choice of Principal Skinner's choice of Christmas DVD or being trapped without hope of rescue in their school, I think the kids would prefer the latter to be honest.

Principal Skinner

Oh, dear God!

Lisa Simpson

Principal Skinner! We're snowed in!

Nelson Muntz

We're trapped in the school!

[The children scream]

Milhouse Van Houten

We're gonna miss Christmas!

[The children scream]

Principal Skinner

I fixed the DVD!

[The children scream hysterically]

Oh dear. Having the name "Willie" has its drawbacks. And even THAT sounds wrong. Why don't people stick to William? That would be much better.

Groundskeeper Willie

Okay, Skinner. That's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit!

The kids have got organised. They've mounted a proper manhunt for Principal Skinner, have acquired radios and assigned themselves call-signs!

Nelson Muntz

Falcon to Eagle. Have located bag of crap.

Principal Skinner

If you get me out of this, there's a hall monitor position coming open in the spring.

Nelson Muntz

I spit on your monitors!

Principal Skinner

I know. That's why the position's available.

For the record, Principal Skinner has been tied up inside a sack designed for the storage and carrying of sports balls. He's not asking a hamster to chew through his scrotum.

Principal Skinner

You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.

I love the way Fox are self-deprecating when it comes to the Simpsons. So many jokes poke fun at the very company which produces and broadcasts the show. It's refreshing and very "un-woke."

Automated Voice

For automated stock prices, please state the company name.

Homer Simpson

Animotion.

Automated Voice

Animotion. Up one and one half.

Homer Simpson

Yahooooo!

Automated Voice

Yahoo! Up six and a quarter.

Homer Simpson

Huh? What is this crap?

Automated Voice

Fox Broadcasting. Down eight.

Ever wondered why Homer was so irretrievably dumb? Well, here's your answer. Since childhood, he's had a crayon lodged in his brain.

Doctor

Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain.

Homer Simpson

There's a crayon in my brain? But I've had thousands of head X-rays. How come no one ever noticed it before?

Doctor Hibbert

Oh, I can answer that. You see, whenever I pick up an X-ray, I always hold it like this. My thumb must have covered up the crayon every time. I'll show myself out.

"Assphincter says what?" We've all played this game. Try to get the boss to say what? and declare themselves an ass sphincter. Right, guys? Guys? So it's just me, then.

Nelson Muntz

Question!

Homer Simpson

Yes, Nelson.

Nelson Muntz

A moron says what?

Homer Simpson

Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However... [Begins to mumble unintelligbly]

Nelson Muntz

What?

Homer Simpson

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.

Crowd

[Laugh]

The church have started to come around to the idea of same-sex marriage. But will they ever allow and sanction a non-monogamous marriage? Probably not, no!

Priest

Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Groom 1 & Groom 2

I do.

Priest

One groom... two grooms? But he... but you can't... oh, my medication!

Jack Crowley has just been thrown through the side of a rodeo ring by Tornado, the bull. Marge is horrified. Homer is non-plussed. The clowns are still putting on their make-up.

Marge Simpson

Somebody help him!

Homer Simpson

Relax, they got rodeo clowns.

Clown #1

Is my lipstick even?

Clown #2

Go like this.

[Begins noisily smacking his lips]

I'm not commenting on this clip. At all. What Sinbad chose or chooses to do in relation to his life, his wife, his children and his career are entirely his decisions to make.

Doctor Hibbert

[Whistles incredulously]

Your spine is more twisted than Sinbad's take on marriage.

[Laughs]

A silencer (more accurately a "suppressor") does not silence a weapon and it certainly doesn't suppress the sound as much as Hollywood would have us believe.

Bart Simpson

Mmm, good pancakes, Mom.

Marge Simpson

Well, thank you, honey. They come in a squeeze bottle now.

[MARGE squeezes the bottle which makes an unfortunate farting noise]

Whoo! I better put on the silencer.

[MARGE screws on a threaded suppressor and the subsequent three shots of pancake batter sound much like Hollywood would have us believe a suppressed weapon actually sounds like]

When the Comic Book Guy suffers an inevitable and entirely predictable myocardial infarction, even his suffering is vaguely pathetic and amusing.

Comic Book Guy

Ah! Ooh! Breath... short. Left arm... numb. Can't go on describing symptoms much... longer.

Prognosis is the likely course of treatment, and diagnosis is the art of deducing what ails a patient. And a being a doctor, you'd think that Julius Michael Hibbert would know the difference!

Doctor Hibbert

My prognosis... or is it diagnosis? Whichever. You need to avoid stress. Now what kind of work do you do?

Comic Book Guy

I run a comic book store.

Doctor Hibbert

Oh, dear Lord! We call that profession "the widow-maker!" Or we would, if any of the proprietors were married.

This Android's Dungeon has an adult section. Is that a thing? Are there adult comics and would they be sold in a comic book store? I have so many questions!

Bart Simpson

Uh-uh. You've got to be forty inches tall for the adult section.

Ralph Wiggum

Pleeeeease.

Bart Simpson

Okay. But get on your tippy-toes.

[RALPH walks into the adult section]

Ralph Wiggum

Everybody's hugging!

You can't help who you fall in love with. That's what they say, right? Hmm. But the age gap alone should have made this impossible. I feel... a little bit sick!

Agnes Skinner

Out of the way, Tubby!

Comic Book Guy

Well, pardon me, Oldie Hawn.

Agnes Skinner

Why, you ill-mannered sack of crap!

Comic Book Guy

Oh, goody. Now I know whatever happened to Baby Jane.

Agnes Skinner

You are the rudest man who ever... bought me dinner.

Comic Book Guy

Correction. I do not believe I have ever bought you... oh!

When Bart and Milhouse stumble upon the Comic Book Guy's arsenal of bootlegged VHS tapes, they uncover one of epic political proportions.

Colonel

If you are watching this tape, you are the President of the United States. Hello, sir, or ma'am. Hopefully sir. The town of Springfield has been classified "N.W.B.," or "Nuclear Whipping Boy." In the first moments of a nuclear war, Springfield will be bombed at will by all friendly nations to calibrate their missiles. Now for total security, I will terminate the cameraman.

Comic Book Guy has been caught "in flagrante delicto" with Agnes Skinner. And worse than that, his "dangly bits" are on show to the arresting officers.

Chief Wiggum

Comic Book Guy, you're under arrest for the possession of illegal videos. But we'll reduce the sentence if you put your pants on. Fast! God!

Abe isn't much of a crooner. When he tries to recreate Tom Jones' iconic pelvic gyrations, his back starts to crumble which really changes the cadence of the song.

Abraham Simpson

♪
What's new, pu**ycat?
Ow-oh-ow-oh-ow-ow!
What's new pu**ycat?
Oh-God-nooooooo!
♪

Bart & Lisa are playing Tennis. You know what tennis is, don't you? Of course you do. Well, perhaps you wouldn't mind explaining it to Homer, then. Thanks.

Homer Simpson

Hey! What on earth are you doing?

Lisa Simpson

Practicing tennis.

Homer Simpson

That's tennis? Well, then... what's the one where the chicks whale on each other?

Bart Simpson

Foxy boxing?

Homer Simpson

YES! That's what I wanted. Oh!

Poor Krusty. He's being restrained by corporate goons who are only interested in preventing their station from being sued. And he's had enough. ENOUGH, I tell ya! He's makin' a stand right here!

Producer #1

We're losing male teens. Can you get jiggy with something?

Krusty the Clown

You're giving me notes while I'm on the air? That tears it! Folks, I've been in showbiz for sixty-one years. But now these jerks have sucked all the fun out. I don't need twelve suits telling me which way to pee.

Producer #2

For "pee," could you substitute "whiz"?

Producer #1

I don't know. That could upset the Cheez Whiz people.

Producer #2

I was just thinking that.

Sideshow Bob has, yet again, been released from jail and is walking towards Springfield. It's down to Chief Wiggum to read him his fortune.

Chief Wiggum

Now don't try anything funny this time, Bob. I'm gonna be on you like red beans on... hey, hey, hey, don't walk so fast. Hey, no fair. You got long legs. I got these little bitty hooves. Bob!

Party Posse. It's s boy band like any other. Saccharine and talentless. All auto-tune and looks. Well, I say that but it consists of Bart, Milhouse, Nelson and Ralph!

Choreographer

Sneer, sneer! Two, three, four, and thrust, and grab... yourself... right there. Now let's go and flirt. You call that a flirt? I'm not melting!

Blockoland. It's a little like Legoland™ but not as good. Or fun. Or well known. And are Bart and Lisa excited about going to Blockolnd? Meh.

V/O

Are you sick of ordinary-shaped amusement parks?

TV Kid #1

Am I ever!

V/O

Then be the first family on your block to visit Blockoland... the amusement park made entirely of Blocko brand assembly fun blocks. So, how much did you love Blockoland?

TV Kid #2

It was all right, I guess.

Homer Simpson

Kids, how would you... like to go to... Blockoland?

Bart / Lisa

Meh.

Homer Simpson

But the TV gave me the impression that -

Lisa Simpson

We said, "Meh." M-E-H. "Meh."

My favourite Duffman moment of all time. Perfect for a message tone. Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!

Duffman

Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!

Marriage. It takes a spark to ignite it and a pilot light to keep it going. It doesn't have to be grand gestures... just the ability to talk and laugh together is enough to keep love alive.

Homer Simpson

Kids gone?

Marge Simpson

Yep. It's great to have some time just to ourselves, huh?

Homer Simpson

You read my mind. So... this coffee's good, huh?

Marge Simpson

Yeah. The, uh.. the milk really takes the edge off.

Homer Simpson

You know, I think our marriage is -

 l

[The doorbell rings and MARGE and HOMER both leap up and race to answer the door]

Marge Simpson

I got it!

Homer Simpson

I got it!

Marge Simpson

No, I got it!

Homer Simpson

No, I do!

When a cold caller tries to charge you for "babyproofing" your home, you're best off showing them the door. But don't kick them through it like Homer did.

Saleswoman

Okay. With the window bars, toilet latches, dingo alarm and grapefruit squirt shield, your total cost would be... wow! I'm rich!

Homer Simpson

Three dollars? That doesn't seem so bad.

Saleswoman

That's the price of the clipboard. Here's your estimate.

Homer Simpson

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

[We see the SALESWOMAN flying out of 742 Evergreen Terrace under the propulsion of HOMER'S boot]

Francine. She's angry. Perhaps it's because she resembles Little Orphan Annie on steroids? Who knows. All I know is that she needs to learn to keep her hands to herself.

Lisa Simpson

Hi there. My name's Lisa. What's yours?

[FRANCINE punches LISA in the face]

Men Without Hats. An 80s staple. But why without hats? Was there a band called Men Wearing Hats? And their song, Safety Dance. Any idea what that was all about?

Homer Simpson

SAFETY DANCE!
You can dance,
you can dance,
everybody look at your pants.

Homer's always sparking riots or strikes. Sometimes both. And this time it's his shoddy treatment of bag boys that leads to industrial action on a Springfield-wide scale.

Kent Brockman

Pledging to honour the bag boys' strike are the Brotherhood of Fruit Packers and Unpackers, the Shelf-Dusters' Union, and the Unattractive Waitresses of America.

Unattractive Waitress

Kiss my grits!

Kent Brockman

Indeed.

Homer has found an ancient Animal Crackers box in the attic. And inside was a golden giraffe. Which means he's won a competition from thirty years previously.

Homer Simpson

And on my free African safari, I wanna do everything on this box. I want to shoot a lion in the face, fight Muhammad Ali, and ride in a convertible with two happy zebras.

Africa. Home to vast planes, beautiful sunsets, beautiful animals, powerful predators... it's not the sort of place I imagined the Simpson family wanting to go, really.

Kitenge

Hello. Hello, Simpsons. Welcome to Africa. I am your guide, Kitenge.

Homer Simpson

Hey, how ya doin'?

Lisa Simpson

Hi.

Marge Simpson

Hello.

Lisa Simpson

Isn't that cute? A bush baby.

Kitenge

Where?

[KITENGE seems to suddenly realise that a Bush Baby is perched on his left shoulder]

Aaah! Shoo! Shoo! Oh, man. I just bought this shirt.

Oh dear, Bart. What is it with you and volunteering for useless classes? When will you ever learn?!

Boy in Hallway

Yo, boy, this class is tight. You go from "sloppa" to "proppa."

Bart Simpson

Cool!

Teacher

Welcome to my etiquette class: The Proper Young Man.

Bart Simpson

But the black man said -

Teacher

- Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious! I should bust a cap in your ass!

Do hospitals run loyalty schemes like this? Well, perhaps they should. And maybe in the not-too-distant future, thanks to the tories, this is the kind of bullsh*t we'll have to tolerate in the UK.

Lisa Simpson

So many times we've seen our father go under the knife.

Marge Simpson

One more and I get a free hysterectomy.

Medical bills aren't cheap. But if you're the kind of moron who bills extras, too... what do you expect? I mean haircuts and pornos? Really, homer? REALLY?!

Doctor Hibbert

Oh, you're also responsible for this hefty hospital bill. You shouldn't have ordered all those hospital haircuts and porno films.

Homer Simpson

But Doctor Screwlittle sounded like a delightful romp.

Homer has set up his own day care centre. He's used Marge's name (for legal reasons) but he's solely responsible for corrupting the children in his care.

Homer Simpson

If you're happy and you know it, say a swear.

Nelson Muntz

Boobs!

Milhouse Van Houten

Heinie!

Ralph Wiggum

Mitten!

Delaware. DELAWARE. I mean, what kind of competition would send the lucky winner to DELAWARE?

Marge Simpson

I can't believe it! We won another contest.

Homer Simpson

The Simpsons are going to Delaware!

Lisa Simpson

I wanna see Wilmington!

Bart Simpson

I wanna visit a screen door factory.

Marge Simpson

Yep. Delaware's got it all.

Hunting. It's not for everyone. It's certainly not for Lisa. Watching her buffoon of a father shoot buffalo. And the first kill was entirely accidental. Someone take that rifle off him!

Homer

Cleaning my gun with the safety off,
safety off,
safety off.
Cleaning my gun with the -

[HOMER'S rifle discharges, hitting a passing buffalo]

Whoopsie.

Lisa Simpson

Dad, you just killed a poor defenseless buffalo.

Homer Simpson

A poor, delicious buffalo. He'll be dinner for the whole wagon train.

[HOMER takes aim and shoots a second buffalo]

Lisa Simpson

Why'd you kill another one?

Homer Simpson

Dessert.

In Victorian times, it was deemed almost pornographic for a woman to show her ankle (or any part of it) so when the attendant says, "privates", we're not talking her "growler."

Log Flume Attendant

Mr. Silas, this young lady's flashing her privates.

Mr. Silas

Oh! Well, I'll dispose of this! All for Silas. All for Silas.