40 MP3 Audio clips from Season 11 of The Simpsons (1989)

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Switching from gasoline to electric is a smart move for the environment. But it's somewhat off-set by Bart's methane emissions.

Saleswoman

Thinking of saying goodbye to gas?

Bart Simpson

You betcha.

[BART belches loudly]

Marge Simpson

Bart!

[BART farts]

Well, that shut me up!

A studio tour. The perfect way to take in a little "Tinsel Town" history whilst seated in an oversized golf cart being shouted at by a man with a microphone.

Tour Guide

Uh, for those of you who have always wanted to see the famous Brown Derby Restaurant -

Marge Simpson

Ooh!

Tour Guide

- that's where it used to be. And on your left is the notorious spot where Hugh Grant -

Marge Simpson

Eew!

Tour Guide

- filmed the movie Nine Months.

Marge Simpson

EEW!

Homer has taken it upon himself to "improve" Mel Gibson's latest picture. But his opinion of certain classic movies seems a little skewed, to be honest.

Edward Christian

But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture. Like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice.

Homer Simpson

Ew! Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. P.S. mission accomplished.

An introduction to fire safety at an elementary school is fraught with danger. Not from fire, but from double-entendres only children can discern.

Lisa Simpson

Principal Skinner, what would you say is the most important firefighting tool? Would you say it's prevention?

Principal Skinner

Oh, absolutely, Lisa. That and the sand bucket.

Lisa Simpson

What's that stuff?

Principal Skinner

Why, this is retardant.

Bart Simpson

[Laughing]

Sure is. And what's that?

Principal Skinner

That's called a hose lengthener.

Bart Simpson

[Laughing]

You need one.

Principal Skinner

[Groans]

Bart Simpson

What's this?

Principal Skinner

Just read the label. It's a king-sized flamer!

Bart Simpson

[Laughs hysterically]

Bart is taking Focusyn to tackle his behavioural issues and improve his concentration. Not that it's helping.

Marge Simpson

Good morning, honey.

Bart Simpson

[Groans]

Marge Simpson

How's my special little guy?

Bart Simpson

I'm having some side effects from the dope.

Marge Simpson

It's not dope! It's something to help you concentrate.

Bart Simpson

All I know is my testicles won't fit in my underwear.

Marge Simpson

Bart, get those oranges out of there!

Road rage is ugly. It's unnecessary. But not in Homer's world. In Homer's world it's a necessary evil and he dispenses it freely.

Homer Simpson

Hey, you [BEEP]. You cut me off! Oh, yeah! [BEEP] you!

Lisa Simpson

Dad! That's an ambulance!

Homer Simpson

Oh, right. [BEEP] ambulance! Think you're so big with your [BEEP BEEP] siren... and your letters on backwards!

Homer? A food critic. A food critic?! Now, I didn't see that coming. And neither did the newspaper.

Editor

Hey, listen. I just had a thought. We're looking for a new food critic. Someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.

Homer Simpson

No, it usually takes a few hours.

Homer doesn't need Lisa's help to write a good review. But he MIGHT need the help of baby Maggie and the family dog, Santa's Little Helper.

Homer Simpson

I don't need Lisa to write a good review. The food at the Gilded Truffle really, uh... what's a good word?

Maggie Simpson

[Sucking on her pacifier]

Homer Simpson

Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really... come on! Help me out here!

Santa's Little Helper

Ruff!

Homer Simpson

Rough? I don't know. You've been pitchin' that all night.

Santa's Little Helper

Chewy?

Homer Simpson

Chewy! That's inspired!

You ever been so full that your navel turned inside out? No. Me, neither. But, apparently, this is something which happens to Homer all the time!

Homer Simpson

Ohh! So full. Belly button moving from... innie to... outie!

When Bart and Lisa inherit superpowers, The Comic Book Guy becomes, "The Collector" their arch-enemy.

Lisa Simpson

You're collecting days are over, Collector!

The Collector

Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once.. to keep William Shatner from making another album.

The Simpsons are hoping to board a rocket ship as part of Operation Exodus... the mass evacuation of Earth. They just have to get past the security guard.

Security Guard

Lisa Simpson? You're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard. Now, before you enter, you're going to have to make a very difficult choice. You're only allowed to take one parent with you -

Lisa Simpson

- Mom!

Homer's car is Guatemalan, his shoes once belonged to a hobo but at least his nails are neatly manicured!

Redneck

Well, well. Look at the city slicker pulling up in his fancy German car.

Homer Simpson

This car was made in Guatemala.

Redneck

Well, pardon us, Mr. Gucci Loafers.

Homer Simpson

I bought these shoes from a hobo.

Redneck

Well, la-dee-da, Mr. Park Avenue Manicure.

Homer Simpson

I'm sorry. I believe in good grooming.

Messing with the scoreboard at a bowling alley is all part of the fun. Entering three initials that spell something vaguely rude. What a blast!

Lenny Leonard

[Laughing]

Hey, Carl! Check out the overhead scoreboard.

[Both laughing]

Carl Carlson

Poo!

Lenny Leonard

Uh, Homer. What wacky name do you want?

Homer Simpson

Are "Poo" and "Ass" taken?

Lenny Leonard

Yeah.

Homer Simpson

Damn! Could my life get any worse?

What is a life partner for if they're not there to share the ups and downs? Only, in Homer's case, Marge isn't his life partner. That would be Moe Szyslak, proprietor of Moe's Tavern!

Homer Simpson

Marge, has my life peaked?

Marge Simpson

Oh, Homie. Is that what's bothering you?

Homer Simpson

Mm-hmm.

Marge Simpson

Well, the one sure cure for the blues is to talk it over with your life partner.

Homer Simpson

You're right!

[CUT TO&colon. Moe's Tavern]

I can't believe it, Moe. The greatest feat of my life is already forgotten.

Moe Szyslak

Geez, Homer. I never seen you this depressed. As your life partner, I'm very worried.

Apu and Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon had no plans to start a family. Not just yet. But when Majula set eyes upon little Maggie, she became decidedly broody.

Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon

Oh, little Maggie. Aren't you cute with your little bow?

[Babbling]

Marge Simpson

Maggie loves baby talk.

Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon

That was Hindi.

Marge Simpson

Oh.

[Chuckles]

Sorry.

Having a child is a gift. And it's one that keeps on giving. Even after death, when they may or may not choose to float your lifeless corpse down the Ganges river.

Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon

Are you sure you want a child, Apu?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

You know, I do. I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself, "Who will float my corpse down the Ganges?"

Homer has clearly never heard of the Kama Sutra. Because as everyone should know, there are WAY more than two positions. Poor Marge!

Homer Simpson

Babies just happen.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Well, not to us they don't. Oh! Homer, we have tried everything. Oysters, gravity boots, Sanjay's bed, every possible position.

Homer Simpson

Really? On top and underneath?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Eh, yes.

For Homer, there's no need to consider a vasectomy. Because years working at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant have rendered his testicles extinct.

Homer Simpson

I'm sterile, right, baby doll?

Marge Simpson

Yes, dear. From the nuclear plant.

Homer Simpson

Beautiful.

When you let a gang of bikers into your home, there are certain risks. One of those risks is the possibility that they may take a shine to your wife.

Homer Simpson

Marge? Marge?

Lisa Simpson

Dad, there's a note on the back of your head.

Homer Simpson

Really? Read it.

Bart Simpson

Hmm. "Thanks for letting us crash in your pad. We had a very nice time."

Homer Simpson

Oh, that's sweet.

Bart Simpson

"P.S. We've taken your old lady."

Homer Simpson

D'OH!

Homer is hunting for Marge. High and low, near and far. And he stumbles upon a promising lead. But is too stupid to realise it.

Gas Attendant

Yeah. I did see some bikers ride by here with a blue-haired woman about ten minutes ago. Said they were gonna spend the night at Crystal Lake Campground. Section K, Space 217. I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

Homer Simpson

I guess I'll never find her.

Playing "Dressing Upquot; is a natural part of anyone's childhood. But I have a feeling that Bart might enjoy it just a little too much.

Bart Simpson

There's got to be something fun in my parents closet.

Milhouse Van Houten

You want to dress up like ladies?

Bart Simpson

Uh, wouldn't that make us kind of fruity?

Milhouse Van Houten

What's the matter? Scared you might like it?

Bart Simpson

I'll show you who's scared.

[BART puts on one of MARGE'S dresses]

Oh, wow! This really hides my thighs.

There's nothing funny about fracturing your coccyx. Apart from the word itself, of course. It sounds just a little too much like...

Doctor Hibbert

Now, I'm afraid your son has cracked his coccyx.

[MARGE, LISA and HOMER all laugh]

When Lisa calls upon Chief Wiggum for help, she has no idea that his intervention would necessitate leaving his young son all alone in the bathtub.

Chief Wiggum

This better be important, Lisa. I left Ralphie alone in the bathtub.

Ralph Wiggum

[Over the police radio]

Daddy, I'm ready to get out now. Over.

With Marge hospitalised with a broken leg, her thoughts turn to how her family might survive without her. Or rather... not survive without her!

Doctor Hibbert

Well, as you can see, it's a compound fracture. The leg must remain motionless. Otherwise, a hunk of bone could zoom right to her brain.

[Chuckles]

Marge Simpson

I can't be in the hospital. Tomorrow is laundry day. And I've gotta de-meat Lisa's bologna.

Homer Simpson

We'll be fine, honey. The main thing is for you to get better.

Bart Simpson

And don't worry. All the laundry and dirty dishes will be there when you get back.

Lisa Simpson

No, they won't. We'll all pitch in on the housework. Right, guys? Guys?

Homer has returned to his old college dorm room where he meets this former roommates... who are inexplicably still on campus.

Homer Simpson

My old roommates, the nerds. Ah. You working?

Nerd 1

Oh, my... yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge.

[Coughs]

Cyborgs.

Nerd 2

I invented a program that downloads porn off the internet one million times faster.

Marge Simpson

Does anybody need that much porno?

Homer Simpson

Oh. One million times.

[Begins to salivate]

The Grammy. Awarded by the Recording Academy of the United States, it's a pretty prestigious prize for musicians. But not for Homer. He doesn't consider his to be worth anything.

Homer Simpson

Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?

Lisa Simpson

You won a Grammy.

Homer Simpson

I mean an award that's worth winning!

Having requisitioned a yacht belonging to Charles Montgomery Burns, Homer's ocean-bound party has been gate-crashed by pirates. Surely the US Coastguard will help him out of danger though, right?

Homer Simpson

Help! Pirates!

Coastguard

Navy SEALs are on the way.

Homer Simpson

Oh, bless you!

Coastguard

How about a tactical nuclear strike?

Homer Simpson

Oh, that would be just... oh. You're just yanking my chain, aren't you?

Coastguard

Perhaps this foghorn will answer your question.

[Fog horn mocking tone]

Chief Wiggum is NOT like a Mountie. He doesn't always get his man. Most of the time he simply can't be bothered with the pursuit.

Sergeant Lou

You gotta stop being so trusting, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

Out in nature for a walk, the Simpsons family stumble upon a parrot who does more than simply squawk. He demands that women show him their breasts. Dirty parrot!

Parrot

[Squawks]

Start your engines. Show us your boobs. Show us your boobs.

Homer Simpson

You'd better do what he says, Marge.

Cletus and Brandine. Simple country folk. Lovers. And... brother and sister. Yes, folks they really believe in "keeping it in the family." I suddenly feel decidedly sick.

[We see CLETUS and BRANDINE making out in the flatbed of a pickup]

Brandine

Dang, Cletus. Why'd you have to park by my parents?

Cletus

Now, honey, they's my parents too.

[Country riff]

Funny how death can really change your perception of a relationship. When Ned lost Maude, Homer realised how important Marge was to him. It changed his... oh, no. Wait. No. It didn't.

Marge Simpson

It's hard to believe we're never going to see Maude again.

Homer Simpson

And poor Ned didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Well, from now on, I'm never gonna let you leave the room without telling you how much I love you, and how truly special... this is eating up a lot of time. Maybe just a pat on the butt.

[HOMER pats MARGE'S butt]

Yeah, that works.

Who knew that Moe always had the hots for Maude Flanders? Well, certainly not Ned. And so soon after the loss of his beloved wife, the news hits him hard. Almost as hard as he then hits Moe.

Moe Szyslak

Look, Ned, I know we ain't hung out much, what with your insane fear of drinking and me being banned from the church and all but, uh, but that Maude, she was really somethin'.

Ned Flanders

Oh, wasn't she? Thank you, Moe. I appreciate that.

Moe Szyslak

Oh, I really mean it though. I mean, if it was you that died, I would've been on her so fast!

Ned Flanders

What are you saying?

Moe Szyslak

What? Nothing. She was hot. What? You can't take a compliment?

Ned Flanders

Hot? You monster!

[NED attacks MOE]

Moe Szyslak

That's good. No. Let it out. That's it. Let it out. Send me to Maude. That's it. Here I come, baby. Oh, yeah!

Americans don't usually know what a "wa*ker" is, which is presumably how they managed to get the word into an episode of the show. For the record, it's the British equivalent of a jerk-off.

[Trumpet flourish]

Announcer

You're watching PBS.

Bart Simpson

You're watching PBS?

Homer Simpson

Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I've stumbled upon the most delicious British sitcom.

Bart Simpson

"Do Shut Up"?

Homer Simpson

It's about a hard-drinking yet loving family of soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wa*ker.

Bart Simpson

Cheeky!

Imagine being robbed by two of the cast of Sesame Street. Can you imagine that? The Grouch and Elmo on a crime spree. Eh? That'd be AWESOME, wouldn't it?!

The Grouch

Give us the money!

Elmo

Elmo knows where you live!

A day at the carnival. It'll turn even the coolest, cheekiest or intelligent and sensitive child into a drooling baby. Behold the proof.

Marge Simpson

Kids, would you like a balloon?

Bart Simpson

Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a "wollypop." Actually, I would like a "wollypop."

Lisa Simpson

Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wollypop, I want a wollypop.

When Moe goes under the knife to improve his looks, he's unlucky that his anaesthetist (anesthesiologist) doesn't know the difference between halothane and a new car air freshener!

Nurse

Ooh, boy, what a mug!

Surgeon

Yeah. You should see his genitals. Would you like to see them?

Moe Szyslak

I'm awake here.

Anaesthetist

Uh-oh. This isn't anaesthetic. It's new car smell. Sorry, Doctor.

When Homer does dumpster diving for new clothes, he mistakes a sports bra for a muscle shirt. It's an easy mistake to make. I guess. I've never done it myself. And nor has anyone I know!

Homer Simpson

Well, this muscle shirt's a pretty good find.

Bart Simpson

Dad, that's a sports bra.

Homer Simpson

All I know is I'm finally getting the support I need.

Florida. The Sunshine State. Home of Spring Break. And now, temporary host to The Simpsons. If Homer can get over the fact that the state, on a map, resembles a... wang.

Counsellor

What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.

Homer Simpson

Florida? But that's America's wang!

Counsellor

They prefer "The Sunshine State."

Homer has converted a little too readily to the deep South way of life. He's already planning his childrens' weddings. To each other. Oh, good God, NO!

Homer Simpson

Someday, when Lisa and Bart get married, it'll all be theirs.

Bart & Lisa (in chorus)

Yuck!

Marge Simpson

You mean when they marry other people.

Homer Simpson

Okay, but I ain't payin' for two weddin's.

A visit to the opticians would have been much, much easier if Homer had left Bart at home.

Opthologist

Okay. Let's get started.

[HOMER falls asleep and starts snoring]

Oh! Hey, wake up.

Homer Simpson

Sorry.

Opthologist

Now read the first line.

Homer Simpson

"I... ate... pee-pee."

[BART, laughing has written I8PP on the eye chart]

Why, you little -

[HOMER starts to throttle BART]