36 MP3 Audio clips from Season 10 of The Simpsons (1989)

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Remember the Speak and Spell? Well, it's not surprising that Krusty's merchandising department has released his very own version of the classic 1980s educational toy.

Lisa Simpson

"Krusty's Speak and Say"?

Krusty's Speak and Say

"S" is for Shiksa. S-H-I- Mmmm. I think there's a "T" in there somewhere. Ah, look it up!

Whilst "Hog Anus" isn't listed among the ingredients of most hot dogs, let's be honest... it's likely, isn't it? I mean, it's ground pork. What else could be in there? No. Don't ask.

Homer Simpson

Hey, this hot dog tastes different.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Yes. I just cleaned out the machine, sir. So the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.

Homer Simpson

Well, yeah. But... without the grease all you can taste is the hog anus.

Poor Milhouse. He's always getting his glasses broken. Or an atomic wedgie. And this one is so severe, Miss Phipps needs to get some forceps to remove the material from his... well, you know...

Miss Phipps

Another wedgie?

Milhouse Van Houten

Uh-huh.

Miss Phipps

Hang on. I'll get my forceps.

Milhouse Van Houten

Hurry!

How would YOU react if you were told that your children were to be included in a tome of this magnitude? A gasp? How about a gasp followed by a burp? Yeah. That one.

Marge Simpson

Hey, listen to this. "Congratulations! Your child, or children, have been selected to appear in 'Who's Who Among American Elementary School Students.'"

Homer Simpson

[Gasps and then belches]

It's laundry day and Homer is lending a hand. Only, he's more of a hinderance than a help, really.

Marge Simpson

[Humming]

Homer Simpson

I rolled up all the socks.

Marge Simpson

[Gasps upon seeing the tangled ball of socks]

Homer Simpson

What's next?

Marge Simpson

While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket?

Homer Simpson

All right. Oh! I hate folding sheets.

Marge Simpson

That's your underwear.

Waiting for eggs to hatch. It's not Homer's thing. Not at all. Not when Marge's labour with Bart was so rapid. Or so he remembers it.

Homer Simpson

Why is this taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes.

Marge Simpson

Actually, it took fifty-three hours.

Homer Simpson

Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it?

Marge Simpson

[Groans]

Bart's baby birds were actually Bolivian Tree Lizards and they have plans for world domination. One egg and one bird at a time.

Lisa Simpson

"Bolivian tree lizard"?

Principal Skinner

Mm-hmm. It's a vicious oviraptor. It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own eggs in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch... and... devour her too. It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo and the Ne-Ne, and it has nasty plans for the Booby, the Titmouse, the Woodc*ck and the Titpecker.

Principal Skinner has a plan to rid Springfield of the Bolivian Tree Lizard. He's unleashing the entire food chain on them, one species at a time.

Principal Skinner

The lizards are a godsend.

Lisa Simpson

But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?

Principal Skinner

No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.

Lisa Simpson

But aren't the snakes even worse?

Principal Skinner

Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.

Lisa Simpson

Then we're stuck with gorillas!

Principal Skinner

No, that's the beautiful part. When winter time rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

The great thing about autocue is that it's seamless. Not like in the old days when someone had to hold up cue cards.

[Audience "oohing"]

Krusty the Klown

Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck...

[An off-camera assistant reveals the next cue card]

Krusty the Klown

...your blood!

Marge has been abducted by aliens. Kang and Kodos to be precise. And they've selected her to be a part of their cross-breeding programme.

Kang

Congratulations! You have been selected for our cross-breeding program.

Kodos

To put you at ease, we have re-created the most common spawning locations of your species. You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro, an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding or the alley behind a porno theatre.

What if Yogi Bear was "Homi Bear",Boo-Boo was "Bart-Bart" and Ranger Smith was "Ranger Ned"? What then?

Homi Bear

Hey, "Bart-Bart", looks like a beautiful day to swipe some 'pic-i-nic' baskets.

Bart-Bart

But, "Homi", Ranger Ned's not gonna like that.

Homi Bear

I'll handle Ranger Ned. After all, I'm smarter than the average bear.

Ranger Ned

Well, hello there, Ho-didilly-omi. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to hand over that -

["HOMI BEAR" begins to savage RANGER NED]

Bart-Bart

Gee, Homi, it's not very nice to maul Ranger Ned.

Homi Bear

You want some of this?

Bart-Bart

Uh-uh.

[The mauling continues]

Lisa Simpson

Dad, wake up! Wake up!

Bart Simpson

Dad, wake up!

Homer Simpson

[Moans]

I was having the most wonderful dream. I had a hat and a tie, with no pants on.

Homer has been a live-in Butler and confidant to Hollywood greats Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. But all that's over now. And Alec misses him.

Alec Baldwin

Homer was a pretty good guy. And we just tossed him out like a Golden Globe award. I've got to admit, I miss the way he used to tuck us in... and kiss us on the forehead.

Kim Basinger

Forehead?

Homer has never known what his middle initial stands for. But with his dad's help, he might just finally solve the mystery.

Abraham Simpson

I know where we might find your missing moniker. It's a bit of a drive, but on the way... we can have a nice father-son chat.

Homer Simpson

Great. I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up.

Homer has been living in a commune and enjoying life as a "hippy". But he's not sure that he's cut out for such free living.

Bart Simpson

Ah, cheer up, Dad. You make a great hippie.

Homer Simpson

Ah, you're just saying that.

Bart Simpson

No, really. You're lazy and self-righteous.

Lisa Simpson

And the soles of your feet are jet-black.

Bart's skipped breakfast to go to church. And now his stomach is rumbling on the journey home.

Bart Simpson

Oh! I'm starving. Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get Communion wafers and booze?

Marge Simpson

No. No one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you.

Nelson uses a stall in the boys' bathroom to sell answers to tests. Great for the boys, not so great for the girls and Lisa is in need of some help with a test...

Bart Simpson

What are you doin' out here?

Lisa Simpson

We've got a test, and I didn't read the book. I'll get a zero for sure. Bart, what do I do?

Bart Simpson

Well, if it was me, I'd just take the zero. Uh, but that's not for everyone. There's one other possibility.

[BART tries to usher LISA into the boys' bathroom]

Lisa Simpson

Hey! I can't go in there.

Bart Simpson

Relax. There's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.

If Robot Wars used droids from the movies, how would C-3PO fair against the might of the Cylons from Battlestar Galactica? Not very well, probably.

V/O

Plus tag team robot wrestling. It's the mighty robots of Battlestar Galactica versus the gay robots of Star Wars.

C-3PO

[Grunts, moans]

Stop! Please, save me, R2.

R2-D2

[Chirps]

C-3PO

Oh, you stupid little tramp. You're so boring. I hate you! Ow, ow, ow!

Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con has come to Springfield, bringing with it a stellar cast of B-List celebrities from TV shows and movies nobody can quite remember.

Bart Simpson

Hey, wait. I saw that Lost In Space movie. You are not Dr. Smith.

Jonathan Harris

Oh, the pain, the pain. The pain of it all.

Robot

You have still got it, Dr. Smith.

Jonathan Harris

Silence, you nickel-plated nitwit! My dear boy, I'd be happy to show you my resume... if you'd care to meet me later in the food court.

Robot

Danger, danger, Bart Simpson!

Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con has resulted in a riot. And where were Mayor Quimby's bodyguards throughout the chaos? Sat in his car with their feet up, that's where!

Bodyguard #1

Hey, boss, we were just talking about you.

Mayor Quimby

You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired!

Bodyguard #1

Fired, huh? Who else you gonna find to take a bullet for you?

Bodyguard #2

Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery?

Ever wondered why Maître 's speak the way they do? You think they're pretentious or pretending? What about the possibility of a Cerebrovascular accident? Ever thought of that? No. Shame on you.

Homer Simpson

Excuse me.

Maître d'

Ye-esssss?

Homer Simpson

Do you have a table for the mayor?

Maître d'

Ye-esssss!

Homer Simpson

Why do you talk that way?

Maître d'

I had a str-oke!

The children of Springfield are under curfew. And Bart's just not taking it any more. No. He's going to make a stand.

Bart Simpson

The cops can't just slap a curfew on us! We have rights!

Marge Simpson

Sure you do. You have the right to remain silent.

[HOMER and MARGE laugh]

Homer Simpson

That was cold-blooded, Marge.

Marge Simpson

Yeah.

Bart Simpson

But it's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.

Homer Simpson

Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse.

Bart Simpson

What about adultery?

Homer Simpson

Not until you're older, Son.

"The Bloodening" is a fictional horror film. I mean, all horror films are fictional but this one didn't actually exist. Outside of The Simpsons, that is. Oh, just listen to the clip!

Doctor

Get off of my moor, you mischievous weans!

Boy

Actually, we prefer to stay. You're thinking about hurting us.

Girl

Now you're thinking, "How did they know what I was thinking?"

Boy

Now you're thinking, "I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers."

Homer has changed his name to "Max Power" but Marge has her reservations. She's worried about the mailman for a start. What will he think?

Marge Simpson

But this will be so confusing. The mailman won't know what to do. Did you think of the mailman at all before you did this?

Homer Simpson

Yes. Briefly.

Marge Simpson

And what about the tattoo on my you-know-what?

Homer Simpson

Oh, honey, they have acids that can burn that off.

Marge Simpson

[Grunts]

Homer hasn't just changed his own name. No. He's also changed Marge's name. You won't believe what he's changed it to.

Max Power

Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the courthouse, I had them change your name.

Marge Simpson

To what?

Max Power

Chesty LaRue.

Chesty LaRue

Chesty LaRue?

Max Power

Just try it for two weeks. If you're not completely satisfied, you can be Busty St. Clair.

Busty St. Clair

I don't want to be Chesty LaRue or Busty St. Claire.

Max Power

Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.

Hooty McBoob

Good night, Homer.

Max Power

Sleep tight, Hooty.

Hooty McBoob

Let go of those!

Sailors. Long, lonely nights at sea without female company. That's how it used to be. So it's no surprise that they found ways of keeping themselves... amused.

Horatio McCallister

Yarr! It's kind of you to deliver these copies of "Jugs". They'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality... for about ten minutes.

[The CREW laugh]

Crewman

Look who's talkin'!

Horatio McCallister

Yarr!

Gil is a car salesman whose wife is over the side with a guy named Fred. You've gotta feel sorry for him.

Gil

Honey, you should've seen me with my last customer. I - No, but I came so close. This guy was - whose voice is that? Is that Fred? Ah, you said it was over! No, don't put him on! Hello, Fred. H-Hi.

Chief Wiggum is holding a course to prevent Road Rage. He shows this video to the class which highlights examples of the red mist.

Male Driver

Cut me off, will you?

Female Driver

Learn to drive, dimwit!

Judge

I sentence you to kiss my ass.

[Screaming]

Curtis E. Bear. The courtesy bear. He's like a punchbag, allowing students to take out their frustration and anger in a controlled, safe environment. Safe for everyone except Eddie.

Chief Wiggum

And as if that film wasn't enough, we have a special guest. Why, it's Curtis E. Bear, the courtesy bear.

Eddie

[Hums]

Chief Wiggum

For the next three hours, this bear will take your verbal and physical abuse with good nature and aplomb. So, if you'll all just grab one of these two-by-fours.

Eddie

Um, Chief, can I at least shield my crotch?

Chief Wiggum

Bears can't talk, Eddie.

Marge has had her driving licence revoked. She's angry about it. It feels like she's lost a limb. A bit like Heather Mills.

Marge Simpson

How could they take away my license? It feels like I lost a limb.

Homer Simpson

Well, that's a turnoff.

Marge and Lisa have bought and fitted a musical doorbell which performs Close to You by The Carpenters. Now all they need is someone to stop by and press the button...

Lisa Simpson

Wait! People are coming! I think they're Jehovah's Witnesses.

Marge Simpson

Yes!

Nureen

Wait, Marlin. You know, I just had a thought. Maybe we're bothering people by trying to change their religion. What if we don't have all the answers?

Marlin

You're right, Nureen. Let's go get real jobs.

Homer is now a recognised artist. And he's been advised that the source of his creativity is anger. So he needs to get angry. And there's no better way to do that than with the help of his children.

Homer Simpson

Astrid said the key to my art is anger. But you know me. I'm Mr. Mellow. So I'm giving you kids permission to get me mad. Come on. Give me what you got.

Lisa Simpson

Well, if it'll help. Uh, Mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy.

Homer Simpson

[Grunting]

Good work, honey. Keep it coming.

Bart Simpson

Well, I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Homer Simpson

[Shouting & screaming]

Homer has some pretty twisted fantasies. I mean, the idea of Marge participating in a belching contest gets him hot and nasty. What's all that about?!

Marge Simpson

Well how would you like it if I - I don't know - entered a belching contest?

Homer Simpson

Frankly, I'd be a little turned on.

The Simpsons have gotten lazy. Marge isn't having it. She's not wasting another day sitting around whilst her family sleep. No. It's time for drastic action in the form of gentle exercise.

Marge Simpson

Oh, come on. Let's go for a walk. This family's getting so lazy.

Bart Simpson

I'm not lazy. I'm just, um, uh - Lisa, finish my sentence for me.

Lisa Simpson

Why don't you finish your own darn -

[Snoring]

Charles Montgomery Burns has decided to boost his popularity by appearing on a radio show. This isn't going to end well, is it?!

Jerry Rude

How you doin', Mr. Burns? Jerry Rude. Welcome to the show.

Mr. Burns

Yes, I am pleased to -

Jerry Rude

All right, let's get this geezer out quick so we can bring in the lesbian gladiators.

Mr. Burns

Now, Mr. Rude, I just want you to know I'm a good sport. If you want to make fun of my legendary love of cashews you have at it.

Jerry Rude

Uh-huh. All right. Uh, how many times a day do you go to the can?

Mr. Burns

Oh, about forty, I suppose. When are we going on the air?

Jerry Rude

We're on the air now, Skeletor.

Mr. Burns

What?

Jerry Rude

Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously.

Mr. Burns

Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this?

Jerry Rude

All right, how about this? When was your first gay experience?

Mr. Burns

Oh, well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay old time. Ho-ho! I ate my share of wieners that day.

Jerry Rude

Oh, that sounds lovely.

[Coughs]

Queer!

[Coughs]

Queer! Um, ever murder anybody?

Mr. Burns

Murder? Well, mistakes have been made.

Jerry Rude

Monty, I've heard you're a pretty flatulent guy. Any comment on that?

Mr. Burns

Well, now, see here...

[Farting sounds]

Stop that!

[Farting sounds]

Attention, wireless listeners. Most of the sounds you are now hearing are not being made by me. Oh, stop! Stop! Won't someone please stop the farting? Aah!

[MR. BURNS has a heart-attack and falls to the studio floor, groaning]

Jerry Rude

Don't worry, folks. He's not dead. I still hear some faint sounds of life.

[The farting sounds continue]

Lisa has had an open letter to the people of Springfield published in the local paper. She's desperate for people to read it.

Lisa Simpson

Chief Wiggum. Oh, you sure got a lot of copies of the paper.

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, I need to housebreak our new police dog. Plus, it couldn't hurt Ralphie to brush up on the fundamentals.

Ralph Wiggum

Daddy says I'm this close to living in the yard.

A hotel in Tokyo. All the modern conveniences. Including an electronic, talking toilet with a camera mounted in the bowl. Yes. A camera. Mounted. In the bowl. You read that right.

Toilet

Welcome. I am honoured to accept your waste.

[HOMER presses a button and a multi-coloured fountain is produced from the built-in bidet]

Homer Simpson

They're years ahead of us.

[BART is surfing the channels on the hotel TV when he happens upon a live feed from inside the toilet bowl]

Bart Simpson

Mom! Lise! Check it out. Dad's on TV.

Homer Simpson

Oh, yeah!

[MARGE, BART and LISA scream]