36 MP3 Audio clips from Season 9 of The Simpsons (1989)

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Designated drivers are heroes. Whilst you're getting off your tits on every conceivable combination of alcoholic delights, they're sober and ready to get you safely home.

Homer

Evenin', Moe.

[BARNEY exits the bathroom where he's apparently spent the night]

Barney Gumble

Good mornin', Moe.

Mo Szyslak

Yeah, all right. Listen up, guys. The Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

[The patrons celebrate this news]

Yeah, I know. I know. But the bad news is we gotta start havin' designated drivers.

[There's a moan of indignation from the patrons]

Never having seen Hasidic Jews before a trip to New York City, Bart mistakes a small group of them on the sidewalk for ZZ Top. The beards and hats presumably confused him.

Bart Simpson

Look! It's ZZ Top! You guys rock!

Hasidic Jew

Eh, maybe a little.

Marge and the children have climbed to the top of the Statue of Liberty, from which Governors Island looks so small and insignificant.

Marge Simpson

Governors Island looks so insignificant from up here.

Bart Simpson

Hey, immigrants, beat it! Country's full!

People Trafficker

Okay, folks. You heard the lady. Back into the hold. We'll try Canada.

Are all Parking Officers in New York City called Steve? Well, apparently so. And if you want to appeal a parking ticket, you can forget it. It ain't happening.

Female Recorded Voice

Thank you for calling the Parking Violations Bureau. To plead not guilty, press one now.

[HOMER presses "1" on the keypad]

Thank you. Your plea has been...

Male Recorded Voice

Rejected.

Female Recorded Voice

You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...

Male Recorded Voice

Large lateness penalty.

Female Recorded Voice

Please wait by your vehicle between 9am and 5pm for parking officer Steve...

Male Recorded Voice

Grabowski.

Homer has never tried Khlav Kalash before. And he won't be trying it again. What he needs is a palate cleanser but he'll be damned if he's drinking Mountain Dew.

Homer Simpson

Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?

Street Vendor

Mountain Dew or crab juice.

Homer Simpson

Oh, geez! I'll take a crab juice.

Principal Skinner is reprising his no-good street punk days and is about to ride into the sunset on his motorcycle. But not before he says goodbye to his students.

[His motorcycle engine starts and PRINCIPAL SKINNER rides past BART]

Bart Simpson

Principal Skinner?

Principal Skinner

Up yours, children!

Doctor J. Loren Pryor is the school counsellor and he has a surprising revelation about Milhouse. Problem is, he's actually meant to be talking about Bart.

Dr. J. Loren Pryor

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child. Particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.

Marge

Bart's gay?

Dr. J. Loren Pryor

Bart? Uh, whoo! Wrong file.

Honoré de Balzac was a French novelist in the 1800s but his name was comically similar to the slang term for a scrotum. Typical of the Simpsons writers to realise this, really!

Marge Simpson

I cannot believe this. I'm trying to give our daughter a head start in life and you aren't helping a bit.

Homer Simpson

Marge, name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.

Marge Simpson

Balzac.

Homer Simpson

No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.

Marge

But Balzac is the name.

Homer Simpson

B-b-b-b-b! If ifs and buts were candy and nuts... uh, how does the rest of that go?

Homer has purchased a handgun and joined the NRA. He's a gun-toting lunatic of epic proportions and there isn't a problem he can't fix with his trusty firearm. Apparently.

Lisa Simpson

Can you help me get my ball down from the roof, Dad?

Homer Simpson

Sure thing, honey.

[HOMER pulls out his trusty handgun and shoots the ball down]

You want me to get the cat down?

Lisa Simpson

No, thanks.

Marge has taken the children and left Homer because he's refused to get rid of his handgun. She's gone to see her sisters, hoping to stay with them until the dust settles.

Marge Simpson

I've left Homer.

Selma Bouvier

Thank God.

Marge Simpson

So we need a place to spend the night.

Selma Bouvier

Try the Sleep-Eazy Motel. I woke up there once. Seemed nice.

Marge Simpson

Why can't we stay here?

Selma Bouvier

Uh, we have a gentleman caller.

TV Repairman

Hey, this TV's not broken. It's just unplugged. What the -

[SELMA slams the apartment door, essentially taking the poor guy hostage]

Ever had an erroneous wake-up call in a hotel? Well, you've possibly been the victim of a heartless prank, probably masterminded by someone very much like Bart Simpson.

Bart Simpson

I'd like to order a wake-up call, please. 3am. Uh, for every room except this one. That's right. Good night.

[Chuckles]

Always love trying out new material on the road.

Marge needs to buy a cup to protect Bart's unmentionables. And the clerk knows it. But he won't let that knowledge stand in the way of an epic prank.

Marge Simpson

Look, I want a cup.

Store Clerk

Cup. Could you spell that?

Marge Simpson

C-U-P. I wanna C-U... oh, my God!

Apu is trying to avoid an arranged marriage and Homer has come up with a plan. He just forgot to explain to Marge what the plan was until it was way too late to back out!

Homer Simpson

OH, CRAP! I FORGOT! Marge, I need a small favour. For the next few days, will you pretend to be Apu's wife?

Marge Simpson

What?

[Doorbell rings]

Please! It's just for as long as his mother's living here.

Marge Simpson

What?!

[APU walks in with his mother in tow]

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Honey, I am in my home.

I'm not sure why you'd need Apu Nahasapeemapetilon's rendition of Hot Blooded by Foreigner, but here it is, anyway.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

♪
Well I'm hot blooded, check it and see.
I've got a fever of a hundred and three.

Christmas lights. Every year we do battle with the infernal things only to find a bulb has blown. Or the fuse. Or the whole string has just died. So why bother?

Homer Simpson

Come on, kids. Let's try the lights.

[HOMER fires up the lights which crackle and flash ominously]

Bart Simpson

It's "craptacular."

You've heard of a Tickle Me Elmo, right? Well, not to be outdone, Krusty has his very own version. But it's not quite as wholesome and innocent as Elmo, to be honest.

Milhouse Van Houten

Hey, look what I got, Bart! A Tickle Me Krusty!

Tickle Me Krusty

[Goofy laugh]

Hey, kid, get your finger out of there!

Milhouse Van Houten

[Laughs]

Waiting to Exhale. That 1995 Whitney Houston movie. Marge is keen to see it. So whilst Homer goes to Blockbuster, she's prepared the snacks.

Marge Simpson

We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?

Homer Simpson

Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.

Waylon Smithers. There's no question. He's gay. We know it, he knows it. But Charles Montgomery Burns doesn't know it. Which is why he keeps going with the unintentional double entendres.

Waylon Smithers

You have to tell me what your plan is, or... or nothing will happen.

Charles Montgomery Burns

Oh, yes. Of course. The plan. You see me as a god, right, Smithers?

Waylon Smithers

Absolutely, sir.

Charles Montgomery Burns

You'd kneel before me.

Waylon Smithers

Boy, would I!

Lisa's class have been given the chance to participate in the Model United Nations. They leave tomorrow. So now is their last chance to... bone up. Ahem.

Principal Skinner

Okay, delegates. You leave tomorrow for the state-wide Model UN so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will.

[The CHILDREN, not surprisingly, laugh raucously]

Moe never was very lucky in love. And listening to this clip, it's not hard to work out why. I mean... sheesh! A beautiful lady gives him a flower and he says THIS!

Renee

Well, hello, Mary Sunshine.

Moe Szyslak

Huh?

Renee

Aw, cheer up. Here, have a flower.

Moe Szyslak

All right, come on. What's the catch? A gorgeous woman don't just hand you a free "daffy-dil."

Renee

Really? You think I'm gorgeous?

Moe Szyslak

Yeah, well the part that's showing. I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something.

Renee

You don't talk to a lot of women, do you?

It's time for Moe to come clean about why Homer is in jail and he suddenly has enough money to treat them both to a trip to Hawaii. Only she gets the wrong end of the stick.

Moe Szyslak

Renee, there's something I gotta tell you.

Renee

Oh, no. You're gay, aren't you? Oh, boy, Renee, you sure can pick 'em.

Moe Szyslak

Nah, it ain't that.

Renee

What, so you're married?

Moe Szyslak

No, no. I... hey, why did you say gay first?

Renee

[Mumbles]

I don't know.

Rod and Todd Flanders are reading what's embroidered on the world's most offensive baseball cap. Luckily, Ned is right there to prevent them from finishing the sentence.

Rod & Todd Flanders

Show me your -

[NED claps his hands over his sons' eyes]

HEY!

Ned Flanders

It says, "Show me your tie." It's cute. Come on. Let's go!

Ralph Wiggum. He's... well... strange but Marge has taken pity on him and wants to bring him out of his shell.

[RALPH is panting like his imaginary, canine friend]

Marge Simpson

Hello, Ralph. When I was little, I used to play by myself too.

Ralph Wiggum

Your hair is tall and pretty.

Marge Simpson

Well, thank you, Ralph. You're such a fine, young gentleman.

[MARGE places a hand on RALPH'S shoulder]

Ralph Wiggum

Help! She's touching my special area!

Another sexual innuendo passes between Charles Montgomery Burns and his faithful (and ever hopeful) assistant, Waylon Smithers.

Charles Montgomery Burns

Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket.

Waylon Smithers

You don't have to tell me, sir.

The Naval Reserve. America's 17th line of defence... between the Mississippi National Guard and the League of Women Voters.

Announcer

Next, on Exploitation Theatre, Blacula, followed by Blackenstein and The Blunchblack of Blotre Blame.

Homer Simpson

Whoo! Funky.

Announcer

But first, this word.

V/O

Daybreak: Djakarta. The proud men and women of the navy are fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubbock, Texas, hosing the stains off a monument. You're in the Naval Reserve: America's 17th line of defence between the Mississippi National Guard and the League of Women Voters. After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.

Homer is signing up for the Naval Reserve and he's in his local Navy Recruitment Centre completing the necessary paperwork.

Recruitment Officer

Just fill out this form, and you're on your way to the reserve.

Homer Simpson

There's a question that's crossed out.

Recruitment Officer

Well, due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to ask that particular question.

Homer Simpson

Oh, I think I can make it out. "Are you a homosex -"

Recruitment Officer

Oh, for God's sake, don't answer that. I could go to jail.

Homer Simpson

But I'm not a ho -

Recruitment Officer

La-laaa-laaa-laaa! I'm not listening! La-laaa-laaa-laaa!

Homer Simpson

Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay.

Would YOU trust Homer Simpson to tie the guide rope of a Naval Frigate? No. Neither would I. And neither should they.

Homer Simpson

There. The perfect sheepshank.

Naval Instructor

Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship!

[People scream as the ship goes over a waterfall]

Homer Simpson

Oh!

So, Milhouse thinks Marge Simpson is... hot?! I mean, as female cartoon characters go, I guess she is. But should Milhouse be describing her in that way? No. Probably not.

Milhouse Van Houten

Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?

Bart Simpson

Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?

Milhouse Van Houten

No! I think she's hot! Sorry. It just slipped out.

Would YOU trust Homer Simpson on a nuclear submarine? No. Neither would I. And neither should they!

Naval Instructor

Next weekend, we're having our annual war games. Now, Simpson, because of your many years as a nuclear technician... we're putting you on a nuclear sub.

Homer Simpson

"Nuc-u-lar." It's pronounced, "nuc-u-lar."

Naval Instructor

Oh, whatever.

Homer Simpson

"Nuc-u-lar."

This is true. Sadly. Because as well as everything else, we pay taxes to support the terminally lazy. Not that ALL people who are unemployed have a choice in the matter, but those that do...

Todd Flanders

Daddy, what do taxes pay for?

Ned Flanders

[Chuckles]

Why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine... and let's not forget the folks who just don't feel like working, God bless 'em.

Homer has been arrested for tax evasion. He faces five years in jail. But he can't go to jail. Because people there pee in cups and throw it on you. Apparently.

IRS Agent

You're looking at five years, minimum.

Homer Simpson

No, sir. Please, I can't go to prison. They pee in a cup and throw it on you! I saw it in a movie.

IRS Agent

You won't be seeing any prison movies where you're going... PRISON!

Is this an oxymoron? No. It's just a moron.

Homer Simpson

I never apologise, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Homer wants to register to become Sanitation Commissioner. Sadly, he's jumped to the front of the queue for those waiting to register as sex offenders.

Homer Simpson

I want to register to run for Sanitation Commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town!

Town Hall Clerk

Okay. But this is where you register as a sex offender.

Moe Szyslak

[Joining the back of the queue]

Ah, geez, there's always a line.

Things have got pretty heated in the race for Sanitation Commissioner. Homer's won but you can't help but wonder if his dirty tricks campaign was behind his victory.

Homer Simpson

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ray. Are we gonna let politics get in the way of our friendship?

Ray Patterson

Friendship? You told people I lure children into my gingerbread house.

Homer Simpson

[Chuckles]

Yeah. That was just a lie.

Homer has failed spectacularly as Sanitation Commissioner and Ray Patterson is waiting in the wings, literally. But not to reprise his role. No. To gloat. And then walk off in a huff.

Crowd

Aye!

Mayor Quimby

And all those opposed to horsewhipping Homer Simpson?

Homer Simpson

Nay.

Mayor Quimby

And now, all in favour of reinstating Ray Patterson?

Crowd

Yea!

[The band strike up a lively jazz tune as RAY PATTERSON walks out onto the stage]

Ray Patterson

Oh. Oh, gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed. Thank you. Bye.

[The band strike up a lively jazz tune as RAY PATTERSON walks off the stage]

Moe Szyslak

He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Is it just me or is the whistle in this clip the same one used in the Billy Joel song, Allentown? Yes, I think it is. They borrowed it from his album, I'm pretty sure.

[The whistle at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant sounds to announce the end of the working day]

Carl Carlson

Hey, Homer, see you at Moe's?

Lenny Leonard

He put new electrical tape on the cushions.

Homer Simpson

Sorry, guys. Marge and I are spending the weekend at a bed and breakfast.

Carl Carlson

Oh, trying to jump-start the old marriage, huh?

Lenny Leonard

Can I come?

Homer Simpson

Nah, it'd just be awkward, what with the sex and all.

Carl Carlson

Yeah, I always figured Marge would be a dynamo in the sack, you know?

Lenny Leonard

Oh, boy, she's got legs from here to ya-ya!

[MARGE pulls up in the car to collect HOMER]

Carl Carlson

How do you do, ma'am?

Lenny Leonard

Hope this evening finds you well.

Marge Simpson

Oh, knock it off, you perverts.