33 MP3 Audio clips from Season 8 of The Simpsons (1989)

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The Simpsons are on the move. Their home at 742 Evergreen Terrace is on the market and that means, of course, that prospective buyers are able to view it.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

[Rings the doorbell at 742 Evergreen Terrace]

Hello! I'm not interested in buying the house. But I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, re-arrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. HA! Now you know how it feels!

I've never really thought about this but it's true, isn't it? Thrill rides, sugar-heavy foods and general excitement... Disney is an emetic, isn't it? It's Vomitville, folks!

Lisa

It says here, one of these giant Redwood trees can provide enough sawdust to cover an entire days-worth of vomit at Disneyland.

[HOMER, MARGE and BART make appreciative noises]

You've done that trust exercise where you fall backwards and somebody else catches you, right? Well, hopefully it went better for you than it did for Homer.

Hank Scorpio

The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's going to show you what trust is all about. Ready?

Homer

All right.

Hank Scorpio

Three... two...

[The phone rings]

Hank Scorpio

One second.

[HANK moves to answer the phone]

Hank Scorpio

Hello?

[HOMER falls backwards on to the floor]

Hank Scorpio

Oh my God, a guy's on the floor. Uh, that was a phone call, don't chalk that up to mistrust now.

The Simpsons have picked up a hitchhiker. Which happens to be Mr. Burns' long-lost son. But that's not the only problem.

Marge

Careful of the apple pie on the seat.

Grampa

Uh oh!

Marge

Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?

Grampa

I sure hope so!

Homer has kidnapped Mr. Burns' son and held him to ransom. But it was a consensual kidnapping. And it's back-fired somewhat.

Mr. Burns

I should have known. You're the only one stupid enough to kidnap you. Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this skulking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.

Waylon Smithers

With pleasure, sir.

Read the room, Homer. For the love of God, read the room!

Television Announcer

We interrupt this cartoon for a special report.

Homer

[Gasps]

Someone found my keys!

Kent Brockman

Kent Brockman at the Action News Desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastlines, spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.

Lisa

[Gasps]

Oh, no!

Homer

It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.

Milhouse's radio-controlled plane has become stuck on the roof of a local house and Bart, ever the hero, has climbed up a tree to rescue it. Oh, and that's NOT how you spell "success", Bart.

Bart

Da-da-da-daaaaaaa! S-U-C-C-E-E-S... that's the way you spell "success!"

[With a scream, BART falls off the roof]

If you're in the market for a new toothbrush, do yourself a favour and DON'T buy it in a store in Springfield. You'll understand why when you've heard this clip.

Marge

Oh! A punchbowl. That just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party?

Homer

Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?

Marge

Well, maybe we could use it once and then return it.

Homer

Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush, here.

Remember that 1960s comic strip, Love Is...? Well, I'd never thought about it before but Homer's right, isn't he? It's... weird.

Homer

You know what you two need? A little comic strip called Love Is... It's about two naked eight-year-olds... who are married.

A person who plays the Trombone is a Trombonist. Or a Tromboner. But the latter has the word "boner" in it which makes it amusing in my book. And in Lisa's, apparently.

Dewey Largo

Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word Tromboner?

Lisa

[Laughs]

I think Jimbo just got burned. The Simpsons is the last place I expected to hear a "Yo Mama!" joke. Or is it? No. Not really. It was entirely predictable.

Dolph

Nelson doesn't know what he's missing.

Jimbo

Why's he wasting his time with that Simpsons chick?

Nelson

'Cos your mom had a three-month waiting list!

Jimbo, Dolph and Nelson have been "gooing" Skinner's house. Not sure that's a proper verb but hey, that's what they've been doing so call off the language police, will ya?

Nelson

Hey, check it out... Skinner's mopping the goo off his house. Wait'll he finds what I left in his bird bath.

Skinner

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Hurricane Barbara. Just why do they name storms after women? Well, perhaps because it starts with a little blow and they end up taking your house. Ahem.

Kent Brockman

And the Weather Service has warned us to brace ourselves for the onslaught of Hurricane Barbara. And if you think that naming a destructive storm after a woman is sexist, you obviously have never seen the gals grabbing for items at a clearance sale.

Marge

It's true but he shouldn't say it.

Homer is at the Springfield lighthouse, his shadow being cast onto the horizon like some bizarre, overweight Bat Signal.

Bart

Hey, look! Is that Dad?

Lisa

Either that or Batman's really let himself go.

Mr. Burns is old. He still goes with the original meaning of the word, "gay" even though it's changed considerably in the past... oh, I don't know... fifty years?!

Mr. Burns

So, another Friday is upon us. What'll you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt.

Waylon Smithers

Wh-what?!

Mr. Burns

You know... light-hearted, fancy-free... mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town.

[Laughs]

Waylon Smithers

[Laughs]

Exactly, sir.

[Laughs]

Homer has had an alien encounter. Or so he thinks. A thin, wide-eyed glowing creature in the forest who bore a striking resemblance to Charles Montgomery Burns. Hmm.

Homer

I'm telling you, I saw a creature from another planet.

Lisa

Maybe you just dreamed it.

Homer

Oh, yeah? Well, when I came to, I was covered with a sticky, translucent goo. Explain that.

Marge

More sausage?

[HOMER begins to drool over himself]

Lisa

Dad, according to Junior Sceptic Magazine, the chances are a hundred and seventy-five million to one of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours.

Homer

So?

Lisa

It's just that the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic low-lifes with boring jobs. Oh. And you, Dad.

[Laughs nervously]

Mulder and Scully from the FBI have taken time out from investigating cases from the X-Files and have arrived in Springfield to investigate Homer's close encounter.

Scully

Now we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?

Homer

Yes.

[The polygraph machine explodes]

With the FBI in town, the residents had better hope they don't get caught out in any nefarious activities. Moe, for example.

Moe

So, uh... who are you guys, anyhow?

Mulder

Agents Mulder and Scully... FBI.

Moe

FBI, huh? Uh... excuse me.

[MOE scuttles to the back room of the tavern where two men are spraying down a Killer Whale]

All right, they're on to us. Get him back to Seaworld!

[The whale makes mournful noises]

Imagine waking up after twenty-three years in a coma to discover that Cher has won an Oscar and Sunny is a congressman. Yeah, I'd want to go back to sleep, too!

Kent Brockman

Tonight, on Eyewitness News. A man who's been in a coma for twenty-three years wakes up.

Coma Patient

Do Sunny and Cher still have that stupid show?

Nurse

No, uh... she won an Oscar and he's a congressman.

Coma Patient

Goodnight!

[The COMA PATIENT falls back into unconsciousness]

Marge's pretzel business is struggling to survive. So Homer has turned to the only people who can help. No, not the bank. The mafia. Yeah. He actually did that.

Marge

Homer, did you tell the mafia they could eliminate my competitors with savage beatings and attempted murder?

Homer

[Gulps]

In those words? Yes.

Krusty's Komedy Klassic. Did nobody realise what the acronym for that would be? Clearly not. Or should I say... "klearly not?!"

Television Announcer

It's the Krusty Komedy Classic.

Krusty the Klown

Hey hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theatre. And, uh...

[KRUSTY notices the huge letters behind him on the stage]

KKK? That's not good!

[Laughs]

Remember the song The Perfect Nanny from Mary Poppins? Well, here's Lisa and Bart's take on the Jane and Michael classic.

♪

Lisa

If you wish to be our sitter,
please be sweet and never bitter.
Help us with math and book reports,

Bart

Might I add, eat my shorts?!

Lisa

BART!

Bart

Just cuttin' through the treacle.

Lisa

If Maggie's fussy, don't avoid her,

Bart

Let me get away with moider.

Lisa

Teach us songs and magic tricks,

Homer

Might I add, no fat chicks.

Marge

HOMER!

Lisa

The nanny we want is kindly and sage,

Homer

and one who will work for minimum wage.

Lisa

Hurry, nanny. Things are grim,

Grampa

I'll do it!

Bart & Lisa

Anyone but him!

Another Mary Poppins parody. This time of the song The Life I Lead originally performed by David Tomlinson.

♪

Homer

Around the house, I never lift a finger,
as a husband and father I'm sub-par.
I'd rather drink a beer than win father of the year,
I'm happy with things the way they are.

Lisa

I'm getting used to never getting noticed,

Bart

I'm stuck here, 'til I can steal a car.

Marge

The house is still a mess and I'm going bald from stress,

Bart & Lisa

but we're happy, just the way we are.

Ned Flanders

They're not perfect but the Lord says love thy neighbour.

Homer

Shut up Flanders,

Ned Flanders

Okalie dokalie doo!

Shary Bobbins

Don't think it sour grapes, but you're all a bunch of apes,
and so, I must be leaving you!

Kids. One minute they're dependent on you for everything and the next minute they're driving themselves to college. The best you can hope for is an occasional hug, right Marge?

Marge

Kids, you're missing the Itchy and Scratchy Show. Don't you like it any more?

Lisa

Sure, we love it. But how can we watch TV when it's so beautiful out?

Bart

Well yeah, Mom. I mean, we love you and Dad, too but God knows we don't need to see you every day.

Marge

An occasional hug is all I ask.

[MARGE pulls a reluctant BART into a hug]

Bart

MOM! You can hug me when I'm asleep.

Marge

I do!

Bart

[Screams]

Homer isn't exactly tolerant. Or politically correct. So when Marge announces that his new best friend is gay, you can expect him to overreact spectacularly. Or should I say, fabulously?!

Homer

That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.

Marge

I don't think he's married, Homer.

Homer

Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies out there.

Marge

Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?

Homer

Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam.

Marge

He prefers the company of men.

Homer

Who doesn't?

Marge

Homer. Listen carefully. John is a ho-mo-sexual.

Homer

[Screams]

Homophobia is rife in Springfield and it appears to be contagious. First Homer, then Barney, then Moe and then... well, Homer again. Sheesh. You don't want to be gay in that town!

Barney Gumble

Oh, Moe. We were saved by a sissy.

Moe Szyslak

Yep, yep. We'll never live it down. Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.

Homer

Hey! We owe this guy. And I don't want you calling him a sissy. This guy's a... fruit. And a... no, wait! Wait, wait... queer! Queer, queer! That's what you like to be called, right?

John

Well, that or John!

It's date night and whilst Lisa babysits, Chief Wiggum is taking his wife to see Bob Seger. Or is it Bob Saget? I always get those two confused. And so, it seems, does Chief Wiggum.

Chief Wiggum

So long, Lisa. If anything goes wrong, just dial 9-1-1. Unless it's an emergency.

Lisa

Okay, Chief. Enjoy Bob Saget.

Chief Wiggum

Huh... it's Bob Seger.

[He checks his tickets]

Oh, crap!

Oh, Krusty. You can't help yourself, can you? I mean, you should learn to spell and stay well away from brothels. Especially if you're going to publicly announce your patronage.

Maude Flanders

Excuse me, Eda. I don't think we're talking about love here. We're talking about s-e-x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n.

Krusty the Klown

Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down?

What's Mr. Burns' advice for success in business? Well, it appears that having no family, friends or religion is key. You have to be a loner, rattling around a gigantic mansion.

Principal Skinner

Now, let's give a big Junior Achievers welcome to our guest speaker. I know he can teach us a lot about business. Mr. C. Montgomery Burns.

Mr. Burns

I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney baloney church... or synagogue.

Lisa has just torn up a cheque for $12,000,000 because it would have been morally wrong to accept it. Not surprisingly, this has triggered Homer to have a heart attack. Well, four to be precise.

Doctor Hibbert

[Laughs]

Well, that's the first case I've ever seen of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.

Lisa

I'm sorry, Dad.

Homer

It's all right. I understand. We really could have used that twelve thousand dollars.

Lisa

Um, Dad... ten percent of a hundred and twenty million dollars isn't twelve thousand. It's...

[An alarm sounds and a voice announces that HOMER has suffered another myocardial infarction]

Frank Grimes doesn't like Homer very much. He might be new at the power plant but it doesn't take him long to realise that Homer is a liability and that he's woefully under-qualified for his role.

Frank Grimes

God, he eats like a pig.

Lenny Leonard

I dunno, pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

[As if to prove LENNY'S point, HOMER shoves a slice of cake down his throat without chewing and then swallows hard]

Frank Grimes

Well, some kind of farm animal, anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Can you imagine that? He was hanging from a coat hook.

Lenny Leonard

He had three beers at lunch. That would make anyone sleepy.

Frank Grimes

I've never seen him do any work around here. I mean, what... what is his job?

Lenny Leonard

Safety Inspector.

Frank Grimes

That irresponsible oaf? A man who, by all rights, should have been killed dozens of times by now?

Lenny Leonard

Three hundred and sixteen times by my count.

Frank Grimes

That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It... it boggles the mind.

Carl Carlson

It's best not to think about it.

If you're in need of friendship advice or, come to think about it, advice on anything at all, don't turn to Moe Szyslak. He's about as much use as a handbrake on a canoe.

Homer

Oh, what'll I do, Moe?

Moe Szyslak

Well, why don't you invite him over to dinner? Turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then, when he's not expecting it, BAM! The old fork in the eye.

So, not only is Moe about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike, he's also not exactly smooth when it comes to the ladies. No. Not at all.

Moe's Date

What is going on in here?

Moe Szyslak

Um, uh... oh, ahhh... I might as well come clean with ya. I ain't too good at talkin' to women and I really wanted to do ya... so I brought along the Love Tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's inhabited by the ghost of my friend's dead father.