34 MP3 Audio clips from Season 7 of The Simpsons (1989)

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Principal Skinner is being interviewed by the police concerning the shooting of Mr. Burns. And he has a shocking revelation to impart.

Seymour Skinner

I did... I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. When it adjourned, I rushed to the lavatory to apply my camouflage make-up.

[Dissolve to Town Hall Bathroom, SEYMOUR SKINNER standing at a mirror]

BLAST! I took mother's make-up kit by mistake.

[The bathroom door opens and we see SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS enter]

Superintendent Chalmers

Oh, uh... excuse me, ma'am.

Seymour Skinner

[Gasps]

Superintendent Chalmers!

Superintendent Chalmers

Oh... my... God!

Meanwhile, down at the station, Moe is hooked up to a polygraph to establish if his alibi checks out. And we learn far more about him than we bargained for.

Polygrapher

Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

Moe Szyslak

No!

[The polygraph buzzes, denoting a false statement]

Moe Szyslak

All right, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him.

[The polygraph dings, denoting a true statement]

Polygrapher

Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.

Moe Szyslak

Good, 'cos I've got a hot date tonight.

[The polygraph buzzes, denoting a false statement]

Moe Szyslak

A date.

[The polygraph buzzes, denoting a false statement]

Moe Szyslak

Dinner with friends.

[The polygraph buzzes, denoting a false statement]

Moe Szyslak

Dinner alone.

[The polygraph buzzes, denoting a false statement]

Moe Szyslak

Watching TV alone.

[The polygraph buzzes, denoting a false statement]

Moe Szyslak

All right! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria Secrets catalogue.

[The polygraph buzzes, denoting a false statement]

Moe Szyslak

Sears Catalogue. Now would you unhook this already please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

[The polygraph buzzes, denoting a false statement]

The Scout Master. The worst villain of them all? Well, perhaps. He's certainly the campest villain of them all. Of that, there is absolutely no doubt.

Fall-Out Boy

Billowing backpacks, Radioactive Man... it's the worst villain of them all... The Scout Master.

Radioactive Man

I see him, Fall-Out Boy.

The Scout Master

Go get 'em, scouts.

[A melee not unlike those in the 1960s Batman shows develops, overseen by The Scout Master]

Don't be afraid to use your nails, boys!

[Laughs]

Homer has treated Marge to a weekend at a Health Spa. They're sitting in the sauna, enjoying some hot steam. But they're not alone. No. Not alone.

Marge

Mmmmm. This is so relaxing. Homie, this was a wonderful idea.

Homer

[Laughs]

Yeah. If that mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.

Mafia Guy

Oh, don't-a mind-a me. Look... I do it first!

Owing to a series of unfortunate events, Bart & Lisa have been placed into foster care... with the Flanders family. Yikes! Homer needs to speak to his kids. So he lets his fingers do the walking.

[HOMER dials frantically and receives a recorded message]

Recorded Message

The number you have dialled can no longer be reached from this phone... you... negligent... monster!

Homer

Ohhhhhhhh!

Which is scarier to a young boy? The Boogeyman who would, by all accounts, want to eat them or Michael Jackson who, by all accounts, would want to... erm, eat them?

Bart

You shank! How could you tell on me?

Millhouse

Well, I don't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.

Bart

Soul? Come on, Millhouse. There is no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids. Like The Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

When Moe Szyslak decided to turn his tavern into a family eatery... well, let's just say this was what pushed him to make that decision. Out of the mouths of babes...

Doctor Hibbert

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant.

Moe Szyslak

It is. It is. Just, uh... pull those stools up to the pool table.

Little Girl

Daddy, this place smells like tinkle!

The problem with refusing to speak to one person in your household is that you have to pass messages via other people. But when you have the IQ of Homer Simpson, that's not going to work.

Homer

Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?

Marge

Uh, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.

Lisa

Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.

Bart

You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?

Homer

Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Marge

Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.

Homer

Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.

Marge

Homer, you're not not talking to me and secondly, I heard what you said.

Homer

Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.

Bart

Uh, Dad... Lisa's the one you're not talking to.

Homer

Bart, GO TO YOUR ROOM!

In this scary Halloween story, Willie has become a Freddy Krueger character, hunting and killing the children of Springfield in their dreams.

Lisa

Bart, don't you realise what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die.

Abe Simpson

WELCOME TO MY WORLD!

[ABE falls asleep and instantly begins to snore loudly]

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give Homer a computer and he'll spend that day looking for the elusive (and non-existent) any key on the keyboard.

Homer

[Reading from the monitor of a computer]

To start, press any key. Where's the any key? I see Esc, Ctrl and Pgup. There doesn't seem to be any any key!

I was born with big hands. A friend of my mother thought I was destined to become a goalkeeper. So, with sausages for fingers, I can feel Homer's pain here. Especially with phones getting smaller.

[We hear HOMER dialling. a hideous chorus of random keys]

Recorded Message

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialling wand, please mash the keypad with your palm... now.

Homer has faked his own death to escape from a team-building day with the other morons from the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. He might have told Marge first, though.

Reverend Lovejoy

Marge, we can't tell you how sorry we are.

Ned Flanders

You have our deepest condol-diddly-olances. I'm sorry. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm just nervous. I didn't mean any disrespect.

Who knew that Homer had a mother? Well, certainly not Homer. And I don't mean that he was hatched from an egg. Just that his mother seems to still be alive when he thought she was dead.

Mona Simpson

Abe?

Abe Simpson

WHAT THE - ?! Now here's a piece of bad news.

Mona Simpson

Oh, Abe. You've aged terribly.

Abe Simpson

What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own.

Mona Simpson

I had to leave. But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead.

Abe Simpson

It was either that or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal. You were a rotten wife and I'll never, ever forgive you. Can we have sex? Please?

Mona Simpson

Oh, Abe!

Abe Simpson

Well, I tried. What's for supper?

If you're in trouble, if you need help, you can call 9-1-1 and the police will be there to assist you. Unless you live in Springfield. In Springfield, you're really better off calling Home Depot.

Chief Wiggum

Put out an APB on Uosdwis R Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greek town.

Cop

That's Homer J Simpson, Chief. You're reading it upside down.

Chief Wiggum

Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh... oh, bring back some of them, uh... gyros.

Cop

Uh, Chief. You're talking into your wallet.

If you're male and reading this and you were considering buying your girlfriend or wife a household appliance or accessory for Christmas or a birthday, you need to take a long, hard look at your life.

Marge

Oh, Homie. Look at that watch. I've always wanted a watch like that.

Homer

Well, maybe someone will give you one for Christmas.

Marge

Hmmm.

Homer (Inner Monologue)

Now she'll really be surprised when she opens that ironing board cover.

Okay, Matt Groening. You can say what you like about pretty much anything and anybody else but when you diss the Police Academy movies, you cross a line. You take that back, young man.

Homer

STEALING?! HOW COULD YOU? HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THAT GUY WHO GIVES THOSE SERMONS AT CHURCH? CAPTAIN WHATSHISNAME? WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY OF LAWS. WHY DO YOU THINK I TOOK YOU TO ALL THOSE POLICE ACADEMY MOVIES? FOR FUN?! WELL, I DIDN'T HEAR ANYBODY LAUGHING, DID YOU?!

Remember those tacky guns on QVC which applied rhinestones and other gems to old clothing to (allegedly) give them new life? Well, typical that Homer owns one.

Marge

Well, we don't need this.

Homer

Marge! That's the Rhinestone Nights Fashion Gun. I need it to Rhinestone up my old clothing.

Marge

[Picking up a jacket and reading the back]

Who's Disco Stu?

Homer

Oh. Well, I wanted to write "Disco Stud," but I ran out of space. Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action.

When former President George H. W. Bush moves in to Evergreen Terrace, he and Homer don't exactly hit it off. And that's putting it mildly.

Homer

[Laughs]

This is going to be sweet. Two-hundred bottle rockets and George Bush doing toe touches by an open window.

Bart

If you get one up his butt, it's a million points.

Valet parking at a country club is just what Homer needs to boost his ailing ego. Marge isn't too happy about being seen in their old, battered car but there are bigger issues at stake here.

Marge

Stop the car. We're walking.

Homer

But Marge... valets. For once, maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Krusty. More slippery than a lubricated eel in a bath full of olive oil. A secret Cayman Islands Holding Corporation? Time to place a call to the manager of that bank.

Bank Manager

[Laughs]

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account. Oh, crap... I shouldn't have said he was a customer. Oh, crap... I shouldn't have said it was a secret. Oh, crap... I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal.

Lisa has something to say about Jebediah Springfield, the founder of the town. And what better place to stand on a soap box than down at Moe's Tavern?

Moe Szyslak

Go ahead, angel.

Lisa

[Clears throat]

Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than an evil, blood-thirsty pirate who hated this town.

Moe Szyslak

Good... GOD! Homer, you know I support, uh... most any prejudice you can name but your herophobia sickens me. I... I... you and your daughter ain't welcome here no more. Barney, show 'em the exit.

Barney

There's an exit?!

Homer and Lisa have taken their suspicions about the town's founder to the town council. But they're not exactly enamoured to hear their plans for the mortal remains of Jebediah Springfield.

Reverend Lovejoy

I see no way of settling this. I say we imprison them for the duration of our bicentennial.

Lisa

There is one way. Get the silver tongue. If Jebediah's who I say he is, then it should still be in his grave.

Reverend Lovejoy

Well, yes but human decency prev -

Homer

[Ringing his Town Crier bell]

DIG HIM UP! DIG UP THAT CORPSE! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong. DIG UP HIS GRAVE! PULL OUT HIS TONGUE!

Mayor Quimby

Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?!

Waylon Smithers is taking a well-deserved vacation which begs the question... how will care for Montgomery Burns in his absence? Just how will the old man cope without this loyal sidekick?

Waylon Smithers

But, what would you do without me, sir?

Montgomery Burns

Pah! I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me.

[Belches]

See?

Moe has had just about enough of prank calls. Sadly, this wasn't a prank call. It was Montgomery Burns looking for Waylon Smithers.

Montgomery Burns

Let's see, Smithers.

[He dials the name as opposed to the number on his phone resulting in 764-84377 which just happens to be the number for Moe's Tavern]

S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success! It's ringing!

Moe Szyslak

Moe's Tavern.

Montgomery Burns

I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name, Waylon.

Moe Szyslak

Oh. So, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you. When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you. Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

This is a classic Bart moment. I might use this in every day life from now on because... well, it's non-committal and to the point, isn't it?

Bart

Well, I'm not calling you a liar but... but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.

Lionel Hutz. He's not much of a lawyer but he's the only one the good people of Springfield can afford. Which is a shame because justice is almost never served as a result.

Lionel Hutz

Now, Mr. Lampwick. When Roger Myers stole your character -

Defence Attorney

- OBJECTION!

Judge Roy Snyder

Sustained.

Lionel Hutz

ARGH! If I hear objection and sustained one more time today, I think I'm going to scream.

Defence Attorney

Objection.

Judge Roy Snyder

Sustained.

Lionel Hutz

[Screams]

Troy McClure. He's not just a well-known actor but he's also rather too fond of fish... if you catch my drift. No pun intended.

Doctor Hibbert

Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after than scandal at the aquarium?

Louie

Hey! I thought you said that Troy McClure was dead?

Fat Tony

No. What I said was, "he sleeps with the fishes."

Okay, so this is the perfect ringtone for anyone enjoying Spring Break. It's Millhouse in an uncharacteristically excited mood.

Millhouse

SPRING BREAK... YEAH!

Doctor Nick Riviera. He is to medicine what Lionel Hutz is to law. He's dangerously incompetent. But you somehow can't help but like him.

Doctor Nick Riviera

Hi, everybody!

Malpractice Committee

Hi, Doctor Nick.

Chairman

Doctor Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the one-hundred and sixty gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant -

Doctor Nick Riviera

But I cleaned them with my napkin.

Chairman

Misuse of the cadavers...

Doctor Nick Riviera

I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

Know someone who has fewer teeth than arms? Someone who is so stupid, even stupid people give them a wide berth? Then this ringtone is for you. Well, for them if you know what I mean!

♪

Some folk'll never eat a skunk,
But then again, some folk'll.
Like Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel!

Grampa Simpson needs somewhere to stay. And 742 Evergreen Terrace seems the most appropriate place. But, with insufficient bedrooms, where will he sleep? Oh, I know... Bart's room!

Lisa

Wow. He's even more agitated then usual. Maybe we should let him stay.

Marge

But where are we gonna put him?

Homer

Bart's room.

Lisa

Bart's room?

Marge

Bart's room.

Bart

Dumpster!

A flashback to Homer and Barney in their prime. Singing Leo Sayer, much to the annoyance of Abe Simpson. He's not with it. He doesn't even know what "it" is.

Homer

♪
You make me feel like dancing!

Barney

♪
I wanna dance the night away!

Abe Simpson

What the hell are you two doing?

Barney

It's called, "rocking out."

Homer

You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not... "with it."

Abe Simpson

I used to be with it. But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't it. And what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

Homer has become a novelty act, having cannonballs fired into his voluminous stomach. But his agent is worried about his health. So worried that he sends Homer to the local veterinarian's office.

Veterinarian

My... GOD! Those cannonballs have practically demolished your stomach. From now on, no cannonballs. No spicy foods. And when you lie in a hammock, please... rest your beer on your head, or your genitals.

Millhouse. He's not usually the aggressive, abusive type. But when summer vacation starts, he finally has the opportunity to tell Edna Crabapple, his teacher, what he really thinks of her.

[The school bell rings]

Millhouse

SCHOOL'S OUT! UP YOURS, CRABAPPLE!

[MILLHOUSE runs out of the classroom]

Edna Crabapple

Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer vacation starts at the end of the day... not at the beginning.