32 MP3 Audio clips from Season 6 of The Simpsons (1989)

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The joys of owning a swimming pool. Getting that delicate chemical balance right. But not if you're Homer, apparently.

Lisa

Dad... you have to put chlorine in the water every day to keep it clean.

Homer

Chlorine, eh?

[We cut to countless children in the pool, screaming and clutching at their faces]

Ralph Wiggum

My face is on fire!

Marge is reading a trashy romantic novel entitled Love in the Time of Scurvy. And it gives rise to this particular fantasy.

Marge

My, these seas are certainly heaving.

Marge's Fantasy Man

Well, no more than your bountiful bosom.

Marge

[Laughs coquettishly]

We all remember those sex education films from our childhood, right? Well, I certainly don't remember one about Fuzzy and Fluffy Bunny.

Marge

Children, your father and I have fed you and clothed you but we've neglected something more important. It's time to learn about love.

Bart

No need, mom. We already learned in school.

Sex Education Film V/O

This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing. He had terrible acne and had fur where there was no fur before. He also noticed Fluffy Bunny.

Bart

Boring!

Sex Education Film V/O

Fuzzy went to the park, the ice-cream social, the boat show and various other wholesome activities. And they never ruined their bond by giving in to their throbbing biological urges. Then came the big day. Fuzzy and Fluffy got married. That night came the honeymoon.

[A wah guitar soundtrack begins to play and the children respond negatively]

Edna Crabapple

She's faking it.

Sideshow Bob is on trial for throwing the mayoral election. And he decides to channel Colonel Nathan Jessep when challenged by Bart and Lisa. Oops!

Sideshow Bob

ENOUGH! Lies, lies, lies. I did it! I DID IT ALL!

[There's a collective gasp from the public gallery]

There. Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?

Bart

WE WANT THE TRUTH!

Sideshow Bob

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.

In this spoof of The Shining, Marge is reaching out for help via a radio she's found at the Overlook Hotel.

Marge

Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage, over.

Chief Wiggum

Oh, well thank God that's over. I was worried there for a sec.

[He switches his radio off]

When budget cuts bite, extraordinary measures are called for. Like feeding the children with the mortal remains of their classmates, for instance.

Edna Crabapple

Mmm. This sandwich tastes so young and impudent. Seymour, what's with the good grub?

Principal Skinner

Well, perhaps I ought to let you folks in on a secret. You remember me telling Jimbo Jones that I'd make something of him one day?

Edna Crabapple

[Gasps]

Are you saying you killed Jimbo, processed his carcass and served him for lunch? Ha!

If you're going to pick on Bart, it's probably best to have a plan. Sadly, this is something Jimbo Jones learned the hard way.

Jimbo Jones

Nice PJs, Simpson. Did your mommy buy 'em for ya?

Bart

Of course she did. Who else would have?

Jimbo Jones

All right, Simpson. You win this round.

What kind of an idiot lets children name an auditorium? I mean, what was the best that Principal Skinner was hoping for?

Principal Skinner

Attention! This is Principal Skinner, your Principal with a message from the Principal's office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damnit, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one!

Skipping rope. It's a staple of the schoolyard. And Sherri and Terri are the undisputed queens of making up appropriate songs to accompany the skipping.

Sherri / Terri

At seven tonight, the games begin,
Bart versus Lisa, who will win?
Their father's fat and their mother's thin,
and Grampa Simpson reeks of gin.

Grampa

Hey! That's Obsession for Men.

Homer has been accused of sexually harassing the babysitter. It's not true but that doesn't stop a crowd from gathering on his front lawn in protest.

Ashley Grant

There he is! There's the man who sexually harassed me!

Homer

Oh. Phew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just a... D'OH!

A crowd of angry Springfieldians have gathered on Homer's front lawn to protest about him being a pervert. And they've really got their sh*t together.

Crowd

TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT... HOMER'S CRIME WAS REALLY GREAT. GREAT MEANING LARGE OR IMMENSE, WE USE IT IN THE PEJORATIVE SENSE!

This is kind of prophetic. Because nowadays, you can't fart without someone catching it on camera. And yes, I learned that lesson the hard way!

Marge

You know, the courts might not work any more but as long as everybody is video-taping everyone else, justice will be done.

Homer's conditions for having sex with Marge are prohibitive to a healthy, happy marriage. I mean, nirvana of this kind just doesn't exist!

Homer

[Snoring loudly]

Marge

Homer!

Homer

Huh?

Marge

Homer, wake up. Wake up!

Homer

What?

Marge

We need to talk about the... marital difficulties we've been having lately.

Homer

Marge, there's just too much pressure. What with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad... but I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.

Homer has stumbled upon The Stonecutters... a secretive masonic organisation that seems to have members in every corner of the town. And he's naturally curious.

Homer

Anyway, I'm gonna follow them tonight and see where they go.

Marge

Oh, Homer. Don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal!

Be careful what you say when your children are within earshot. Because they may well get the wrong end of the stick.

Marge

Kids can be so cruel.

Bart

[Walking past the bedroom and overhearing just this sentence]

We can? Thanks, mom!

[BART hot-foots it to LISA'S room]

Lisa

Ow! Cut it out, Bart!

Bart

[Laughs]

Selling children on the black market is NOT something you expect to hear about from your doctor. Especially when he's just imparted the news of your pregnancy.

Doctor Hibbert

Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson. You're pregnant.

Marge

[Groans]

Doctor Hibbert

Am I to take it that this is...

[Laughs]

...an unwanted pregnancy?

Marge

Oh, no, no. Not... not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet. And with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this.

Doctor Hibbert

Well, you know a healthy baby can bring upwards of sixty-thousand dollars.

Marge

What?!

Doctor Hibbert

Well, of course that was just a test. Had you reacted differently... why, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test.

[Laughs]

If there's ONE person you can rely on to mistake an umbilical cord for a penis, it's Homer. Am I right?

Homer

Aw! It's a boy. And what a boy!

Doctor Hibbert

Uh, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

Kent Brockman. I'm not sure how he got the job as News Anchor on Springfield's local TV station. By default would be my guess because... who says things like this live on air?!

Kent Brockman

Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that, for one reason or another, he just can't report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay.

Krusty. He's nothing if not totally honest. Painfully so. And having launched his own Clown College, it's time to impart some truths to his graduating students.

Krusty

Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans. You will now go back to your home towns and do kids parties, swap meets and all the other piddling crap I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot clown pole.

Looking like Krusty the Clown has some advantages. Like 5% off everything at the Kwik-E-Mart. Including adult literature, it seems.

Homer

You mean I get five percent off everything in the store just because I look like... I mean, just because I am Krusty the Clown?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

How could I charge full-price to the man whose lust for filthy magazines kept me in business during that first shaky year? Oh, by the way, here's your new issue of Gigantic Asses.

Krusty has had plastic surgery in order to drastically alter his facial appearance. Only it's not quite gone to plan. He does, however, have fantastic breasts.

Surgeon

Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you.

[THE SURGEON removes the bandages]

Krusty

[Screams]

I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME, YOU MORON!

Surgeon

Nonsense, Krusty. You look at least ten years younger. Plus, I did your breasts.

Krusty

Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?

I was always confused by the phrase, "Birds and Bees", too. I mean what do birds and bees have to do with making the beast with two backs, exactly?

Bart

What a day eh, Millhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them. As is my understanding.

Who knew that Bart would become addicted to ballet? Well, certainly not Bart. And yet, he's loving every Assemblé, Grande Jeté and Plié. He's quite the danseur.

Ballet Teacher

Bravissimo, Bart. Next week, class gives its first recital and you... you will dance the male lead.

Bart

Dance in front of my whole school? What is it with you and ballet?

Ballet Teacher

I know you have great conflict, Bart. You love ballet, yet you fear the boys will laugh at you, no?

Bart

No. I fear the girls will laugh at me. I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me.

Usually Springfieldians are appalled by Marge's ideas at town meetings but she's finally had one that's met with their approval. ONE. Singular.

Marge

I think we should hold a film festival and give out prizes.

Chief Wiggum

Can we make our own movies and enter them?

Marge

Yes.

Chief Wiggum

At last... an excuse to wear make-up.

Mayor Quimby

All in favour of Marge Simpson's film festival idea?

Crowd

FILM FESTIVAL! FILM FESTIVAL!

Marge

You like my idea? Actually, I have several others.

Crowd

DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK! DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK!

Homer might have won the Belching Contest at work but he must bow to the might of Jay Sherman who can burp so loudly, it sets off car alarms for miles around.

Lisa

Mr. Sherman, I understand you have two Pulitzer Prizes.

Jay Sherman

Well, I...

[Chuckles]

...it's not like I carry them around with me. Oh, look! Here's my People's Choice Award. Five Golden Globes, hmmm... where's my Emmy?

Homer

Yeah? Well, I won the belching contest at work.

[HOMER belches in response to which the family laugh]

Jay Sherman

Very nice, Homer.

[JAY performs an inhuman belch so loud, it sets off car alarms, and elicits applause from the family]

Chief Wiggum's cable TV has gone down. And so has everyone else's. Because Santa's Little Helper has dug up and run off with the cable. So just how is this announcement being broadcast, exactly?!

Recorded Voice

Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or to talk to loved-ones. Do not attempt sexual relations as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.

The teachers are on strike. The PTA have disbanded. Which leaves the townsfolk to step in and educate the children. Including Moe. Oh dear. This isn't going to end well, is it?

Moe

Okay. When I call your name, uh... you say "present." Or "here." But no, say "present."

[Clears his throat]

Anita Bath.

[The class erupts into gales of laughter]

Moe

Yeah, all right. Settle down. Anita Bath here?

[The laughter continues]

All right. Fine. Fine, uh... Mya Butreeks.

[The laughter gets more intense]

Krusty. He's loveable and detestable all at the same time. I mean, he might have been accused of being a pervert, but he's not going to let that stop him presenting his show. No way.

Krusty

Hey, kids! It's story time.

[Laughs]

I'm gonna tell you the story of Krusty's Expensive New Suit. His sexual harassment suit!

[Laughs less enthusiastically]

Oh, boy. Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea-bargain, he has a new court-ordered side-kick, Miss No Means No!

When Bart swallows a razor-sharp toy from a box of Krusty cereal, he winds up in hospital undergoing an appendectomy. But that doesn't stop him from embarrassing his sister. Hell, no!

Bleeding Gums Murphy

What are you here for?

Lisa

My brother just had his appendix out.

Bleeding Gums Murphy

Is he gonna be okay?

[BART appears in the doorway, naked from the waist down, a face painted on his buttocks, and a stethoscope hanging down to resemble a doctor]

Bart

Hello. I'm Doctor Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds and, uh... I'm a little behind.

Lisa

He'll be fine.

In this glimpse into the past, we meet Jebediah Springfield and Shelbyville Manhattan. And we find out that one is a proud, upstanding founder whilst the other is an incestuous freak.

Jebediah Springfield

People. Our search is over. On this site, we shall build a new town where we can worship freely, govern justly and grow vast fields of hemp for making rope and blankets.

Shelbyville Manhattan

Yes, and marry our cousins.

Jebediah Springfield

I was j... well, what are you talking about, Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins?

Shelbyville Manhattan

Because they're so attractive. I... I... I thought that was the whole point of this journey.

Jebediah Springfield

Absolutely not!

When oil is discovered under the elementary school, the race is on to extract and sell it. And, of course, Mr. Burns is cheating by erecting his derrick (not a euphemism) horizontally.

Mr. Burns

Ahhh. Soon that mighty apparatus will burst forth with its precious fluid. Almost sexual isn't it, Smithers?

Mr. Burns doesn't know Homer's name. He never does. Even when he's writing a thank you card to the entire Simpson family. Even then. And Homer is not happy about it. Not happy at all.

Lisa

Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?

Homer

Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank you card.

Lisa

Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.

[HOMER snatches the card from LISA and examines it closely]

Homer

Kids, would you step outside for a second?

[BART and LISA scamper from the room. HOMER stands up, inhales and prepares to scream]

F -

[A church organ spares us this particular expletive]