36 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of The Simpsons (1989)

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Nigel is the manager of the Be Sharps, Homer's Barbershop Quartet, and he wants the group to appear young, free and single to appeal to a female audience.

Nigel

Gentlemen, you've just recorded your first number one.

Group

Oh, yes!

Homer

Wait'll I tell Marge.

Nigel

Oh, yes. Bouffant Betty. Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. You see, a lot of women are going to want to have sex with you and, uh... we want them to think they can.

Homer

Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.

[We cut to the aftermath of HOMER explaining this to MARGE]

Marge

[Crying pitifully]

Rainer Wolfcastle (better known as "McBain") is presenting a frankly God-awful entertainment show on the Fox Network... offending the entire audience in just ten seconds.

Rainer Wolfcastle

Let's say hello to my music guy, Skoey.

[The AUDIENCE applauds]

That is some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.

[The AUDIENCE boos loudly]

Rainer Wolfcastle

Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too.

[The AUDIENCE boos loudly]

Sideshow Bob is facing a Parole Board. The concern is that he might pose a threat to Bart. And we know that he will. But will the board decide in his favour?

Lawyer

Robert. If you were released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?

Sideshow Bob

Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole?

Parole Board Member

Uh, we object to the term, "urine-soaked hell-hole," when you could have said, "pee-pee soaked heck-hole."

Sideshow Bob

Cheerfully withdrawn.

It's Charles Montgomery Burns' birthday and he's enjoying a no-expense-spared party at which the headline act is none other than The Ramones. Who seem less than enamoured to be there, to be honest.

[The CROWD applaud]

Waylon Smithers

Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen... The Ramones.

Mr. Burns

Why, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.

Joey Ramone

I'd just like to say this gig sucks.

Johnny Ramone

Hey, up yours Springfield!

Joey Ramone

One, two, three, four...

[THE RAMONES begin to play a rock version of Happy Birthday]

Joey Ramone

♪
Happy birthday to you.

Johnny Ramone / Christopher Ward

Happy birthday!

Joey Ramone

♪
Happy birthday to you.

Johnny Ramone / Christopher Ward

Happy birthday!

Joey Ramone

♪
Happy birthday, Burnsey! Happy birthday...

Joey Ramone / Johnny Ramone / Christopher Ward

...to you!

Christopher Ward

Go to hell, you old bastard!

Marky Ramone

Hey, I think they liked us.

Mr. Burns

Have the Rolling Stones killed.

Waylon Smithers

But, sir... those aren't the -

Mr. Burns

- Do as I say!

In this Halloween special, Mr. Burns is a vampire living in a Transylvanian castle and attracting victims to it like flies to a honeypot. Victims like the Simpson family.

[THE SIMPSONS approach MR. BURNS' Transylvanian castle and HOMER presses the doorbell]

Mr. Burns

[Via the intercom]

Welcome. Come in! Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead.

Waylon Smithers

Sir, you have to let go of the button.

Mr. Burns

Oh, son of a b -

[The front door slamming masks his final word]

Killing a vampire isn't easy. Garlic alone just won't do. Luckily, Lisa knows that it can only be done by driving a stake straight through its heart. And Homer is the man who's going to do it. Or not!

Lisa

You must drive this stake right through his heart.

Homer

Take that, vile fiend!

[HOMER begins hammering a wooden stake into the sleeping body of MR. BURNS]

Lisa

Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.

Homer

Oh. Sorry!

Marge has befriended Ruth Powers and the pair are hitting the town. It's going to be a wild and unpredictable ride into the unknown.

Marge

Woah! You look nice.

Ruth Powers

Tonight has nothin' to do with nice. Tonight's all about...

[RUTH jams a cassette into the car stereo and Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore begins to play]

Lesley Gore

♪
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows -

[RUTH snatches the cassette back out]

Ruth Powers

Oh, sorry, Marge. Wrong tape.

[She inserts another cassette and Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses begins to play as they speed away]

Homer has gone to the Springfield sign to reminisce about he and Marge's early days as a couple. And who should he meet there, hiding in the bushes, but Chief Wiggum.

Chief Wiggum

Ahhhh, there's nothin' like Moonshine from your own still.

[Seeing that he's not alone, he throws the bottle into the bushes]

Oh, Simpson!

[The bottle explodes into flames, setting fire to the bush]

Wh... what are you doin' here?

Homer

Hmm. My wife's having a girls' night out.

Chief Wiggum

Ah, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman, though. Because one time I... come on. I'll, uh... give you a ride home.

Pursuing a fleeing suspect in a car has GOT to call for a theme tune. Something suitable. A power ballad, perhaps or a rock anthem. Probably not Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows, though.

Chief Wiggum

Looks like we've got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase.

[CHIEF WIGGUM shoves a cassette into the car stereo and Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore begins to play. He and eventually HOMER begin to sing along to the track as the sirens blare]

Kent Brockman is the inept news anchor who is always saying the wrong thing. Take this, for example. Was there really any need for a curse word? The "f-word" at that!

Kent Brockman

A new mood is in the air in Springfield as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about fu*king time!

Homer always has such mature, sage and appropriate advice for his children. Well, actually, no he doesn't. Ever. And this is another example of the kind of sh*t he says on a daily basis!

Bart

Okay, look... I made a terrible mistake. I wandered into a Junior Camper recruitment centre but what's done is done. I've made my bed and now I've got to weasel out of it.

Marge

I know you think Junior Campers are square and un-cool but they also do a lot of neat things like sing-alongs and flag ceremonies.

Homer

Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Bart has escaped a test by joining the Junior Campers. He's about to enter one of their meetings. And he's probably not expecting what happens next.

Bart

Hello, alternative to testing!

[BART opens the classroom door to reveal his Junior Camper peers and their leader... NED FLANDERS. He groans dejectedly]

Ned Flanders

Well, it's Bart Simpson! Come on in. You're just in time for a sponge-bath the old folks day.

Jasper Beardsley

Help yourself. But stay above the equator!

Bart

[Screams and runs from the classroom, slamming the door behind him]

Bart hasn't passed the test at Junior Campers to be able to possess or use a pocket knife. So now he takes to trying to convince himself that they're boring and he doesn't actually want one.

Bart

Knives are boring.

[As he approaches MOE'S TAVERN, the proprietor appears, throwing HANS MOLEMAN out of the bar]

Moe

When I say put your beer on a coaster, I mean it.

Hans Moleman

You call that a knife?

[HANS MOLEMAN produces a machete-like knife from his pocket and the weight immediately becomes too much for his frail frame]

This is a knife... woah, woah... down I go!

[The knife pulls HANS to the floor]

Homer has ended up adrift in a dingy with Bart and Ned Flanders. He's lost all hope of rescue or survival, despite Ned's enthusiasm. But who's right? Well, the answer may surprise you!

Homer

You know, what does it matter? We're doomed.

[NED looks up to see a Seagull hovering overhead]

Ned Flanders

Wrong. We're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They only go out to sea to die.

[Predictably and somewhat noisily, the seagull caws and dies mid-air, falling into the ocean]

Homer

Woohoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right. Not Flanders. We are doomed!

Homer, uncharacteristically, has fallen head-over-heels for a co-worker, Mindy Simmons. He's nervous around her. Giggly, clumsy... like a schoolboy. And she's the same around him.

Homer

Ahhh. I've made it a whole day without seeing her again.

[The elevator arrives and MINDY SIMMONS is already inside the car]

HA! I mean... Ha-llo!

Mindy Simmons

I guess we'll be... going down together. I mean... getting off tog... I mean -

Homer

That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator. I mean elevator.

Homer is staying in a swanky hotel on business. His bellhop is very helpful. But leaves too little to the imagination, if I'm being completely honest.

Bellhop

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for...

[The BELLHOP wolf-whistles, meows like a cat, clicks his tongue, makes squeaking noises, purrs like a cat, pants, barks and then howls like a dog before making an indescribable noise with his lips]

Hubba-hubba!

Springfield's military base was closed the previous spring and Kent Brockman feels that this affected two of the city's most profitable industries. Ahem. Yes. Those.

Kent Brockman

The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries.

The Springfield Cat Burglar has struck again. And this time, his target was 742 Evergreen Terrace, the home of the Simpsons.

[HOMER is asleep, snoring on the living room floor]

Bart

Dad, we've been robbed!

Lisa

Wake up, Dad. Wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone.

Homer

Woohoo!

Bart

And our portable TV.

Homer

D'oh!

Marge

And my necklace.

Homer

Ah, that's no big loss.

Marge

Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom.

Homer

Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of them.

Marge

Well, yes I do...

[MARGE opens a drawer and pulls out a huge ball of entangled necklaces from which she extracts one]

...but they're all heirlooms, too.

Bart

Burglar even took my stamp collection.

Lisa

You had a stamp collection?

[MARGE, LISA and HOMER begin laughing at BART. The phone rings and MARGE lifts the receiver]

Nelson

Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

Bart

[Groans]

In an effort to protect Springfield from the Springfield Cat Burglar, Homer forms a vigilante group with Principal Skinner, Lenny Leonard, Barney Gumble and Moe Szyslak.

Homer

Okay. We've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need codenames. I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball, Barney will be Twelve Ball and Moe, you can be Cue Ball.

Moe

You're an idiot.

Lisa is trying to track down the creator of Malibu Stacy, Stacy Lavelle. And who knows where she lives? Why, Waylon Smithers, of course!

Waylon Smithers

Here. I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter. It contains her last known whereabouts. I'll, uh... print you out a copy.

{WAYLON SMITHERS powers up his computer]

Lisa

Thanks.

[WAYLON SMITHERS' monitor springs to life, revealing a screensaver he created himself depicting a naked MR. BURNS]

Mr. Burns (Screensaver)

Hello... Smithers... you're... quite good... at... turning... me... on.

Waylon Smithers

Um, you should probably ignore that.

Worker of the Week. Is there anything worse? And who would they even choose at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant? Well, everyone except Homer, it seems.

Carl Carlson

I hate these Worker of the Week ceremonies.

Lenny Leonard

Who even cares any more? Everyone that works here has already got one.

Carl Carlson

Except forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

[HOMER appears to CARL CARLSON'S left]

Homer

Hello! Well, today's the day for Homer J. I know I'm gonna win this time.

Lenny Leonard

Yeah? How come?

Homer

Union Rule 26. Every employee must win Worker of the Week at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odour.

[Laughs smugly]

NASA is sending an ordinary man into space. Or so they think. Because Homer is no ordinary man. For a start, he's appeared at the press junket wearing a Barbecue Chef apron.

Reporter

Uh, question for the Barbecue Chef. Don't you think there's inherent danger in sending under-qualified civilians in to space?

Homer

I'll field this one.

[HOMER steps up the podium]

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty. THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

[HOMER begins to cry]

Bart's logic is impeccable. Homer is a loser because being a loser is genetic. Which means that Bart himself must be a... d'oh!

Homer

Why am I such a loser? Why?

Bart

Well, your father was a loser. And his father. And his father. It's genetic, man... D'oh!

Mr. Burns will go to any lengths to push his baseball team, the Springfield Atoms, to victory. Any lengths. Any lengths at all. Including deliberately crippling a child.

Mr. Burns

Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you.

[CUT TO: Springfield Hospital. Milhouse Van Houten is laying in a bed with his leg in traction]

Millhouse

I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

Ned has treated Homer to a seat at the Springfield Atoms game. He's already been made to duck in the car so they're not seen together and he believes that the same measures are necessary as they exit.

Ned Flanders

Oh, I guess it's time for me to duck again.

Homer

No. I want everyone to know that THIS IS NED FLANDERS, MY FRIEND!

Lenny Leonard

What did he say?

Carl Carlson

I don't know. Something about being gay.

Bart's elephant has escaped. Yeah, I know. Sounds implausible, right? I mean, why would there be an elephant running amok in Springfield? Well, Chief Wiggum feels exactly the same way.

Chief Wiggum

Ha! Yeah, right, lady. An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay.

[He disconnects and answers another call]

Wiggum. Yeah right, Mister. Mmm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

[He disconnects and answers another call]

Wiggum. Yeah right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.

[He hangs up]

Homer has lost control of his car and collided with a bush sculpted to resemble a deer. A female deer. D'oh!

[HOMER loses control of his car and collides with a bush sculpted into the form of a deer]

Homer

D'OH!

Lisa

A deer!

Marge

A female deer!

Being a parent is about passing down your wisdom to your children... giving them the tools they need to build a better life than you ever had. Encouraging them in every way. Don't be like Homer.

Homer

Kids... you tried your best. And you failed miserably. The lesson is... never try.

Yom Kippur. It's the tenth day of Tishrei which is the seventh month of the Hebrew calendar. It's the holiest day in Judaism. There. You may have learned a little something. Now, someone tell Skinner!

Principal Skinner

Oh, I... I... I know Weinstein's parents were upset, uh... Superintendent, but... but I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean... it sounds so made up. Yom Kippur.

[Laughs]

Santa's Little Helper has unwittingly caused Principal Skinner to get fired. He also bit him and made sweet, sweet love to the educator's leg. But Skinner believes it may have been for the best!

Bart

Principal Skinner? Um... I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired. And biting you and then... getting it on with your leg.

Principal Skinner

Well, maybe it was for the best.

Seymour Skinner has re-enlisted with the US Army. Bart wants him back. Which sounds surprising but then, Ned Flanders has stepped up as Principal. Not so surprising now, huh?!

Bart

If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to come back?

Seymour Skinner

Uh, I must admit I do miss the school. And, frankly, the army isn't quite how I remembered it.

[A truck carrying soldiers passes the pair and a troop shouts and throws a beer can at his superior's head]

Troop

Up yours, Sergeant!

Seymour Skinner

Actually, it's exactly as I remembered it!

Bart is so conniving. He's worked out a way to sneak into an adult theatre whilst skipping school. But it DOES rely on the ticket booth attendant being simpler than Homer.

Bart

Look... if I was under seventeen I'd be in school, right?

Ticket Booth Attendant

Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boobarama, Sir.

Marge is playing Cupid, trying to get Homer's father and her mother together. Sadly, Abraham Simpsons is pretty senile and the plan back-fires spectacularly.

Marge

Say... I've got a neat idea. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother and we'll all go out to dinner?

Grampa

I'll be back in a jiffy!

[GRAMPA goes inside the OLD FOLKS' HOME and returns pushing a strange woman in a wheelchair]

Marge

That's not my mother.

Grampa

I'll be back in a jiffy!

Old Woman

Can I come, too?

[MARGE closes the car window]

Ohhh.

Is Abraham Simpson really in love with Jacqueline Bouvier? Well, it would appear so. But the symptoms of love can be similar to the symptoms of a Cerebrovascular Accident, too. So, which one is it?!

Grampa

You know... you remind me of a poem I can't remember and a song that may never have existed and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.

Jacqueline Bouvier

Oh, that's so sweet.

Grampa

Ooh. I feel all funny!

[Gasps]

I'm in love! No. Wait... it's a stroke.

[CUT TO: Ambulance rushing him to hospital]

No. Wait. It is love!

[The ambulance stops]

Bart has ordered a genuine Itchy & Scratchy animation cell. He's waiting for it to be delivered. And today could be the day, Bart. Today could be the day!

[The doorbell at 742 Evergreen Terrace chimes and BART opens the door]

Delivery Man

Yeah, hi. I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.

Bart

That's me.

[The delivery man punches BART in the nose]

Delivery Man

No more writing no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.

[BART closes the door and the doorbell rings again immediately. He opens the door]

Delivery Boy

I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.

Bart

Uh, that's me.

[The delivery boy punches BART in the nose]

Bart

UH!

Delivery Boy

Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range.

[BART closes the door and the doorbell rings again immediately]

Delivery Man

Homer Simpson! I've got a, uh... special delivery for ya.

Bart

Go away.

Delivery Man

If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson... I cannot give you your... special delivery.

Bart

[Sighs and opens the door to find that this is the package he's been waiting for]

Delivery Man

Here's your special delivery.

Bart

Thanks.

[The delivery man punches BART in the nose]

Delivery Man

That's for keeping me waitin'.

When the woman you love says she has a "special present" for you and suggests she "gives it to you later," she probably means something sexual. Homer? Are you listening?!

Marge

I have a special present for you. But I'll give it to you later tonight.

Homer

Special present? I don't wanna wait. I want it now. I want the children to see. Ooh! Oh. Right. Later.

[Laughs coquettishly]