The Simpsons | Season 5
© 1989 Gracie Films / 20th Television Animation
Starting out in 1987 as a segment on the Tracey Ullman Show and going independent in 1990, The Simpsons is now a global phenomenon, following the lives of a dysfunctional family from Springfield comprising Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Running for 34 seasons and the same number of years, it's a positive goldmine of comedy which we're very proud to (finally) commence work on.
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Clip 1 S05 E01: "Homer's Barbershop Quartet" |
Nigel is the manager of the Be Sharps, Homer's Barbershop Quartet, and he wants the group to appear young, free and single to appeal to a female audience. |
Nigel |
Gentlemen, you've just recorded your first number one. |
Group |
Oh, yes! |
Homer |
Wait'll I tell Marge. |
Nigel |
Oh, yes. Bouffant Betty. Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. You see, a lot of women are going to want to have sex with you and, uh... we want them to think they can. |
Homer |
Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand. |
[We cut to the aftermath of HOMER explaining this to MARGE] |
Marge |
[Crying pitifully] |
Clip 2 S05 E02: "Cape Feare" |
Rainer Wolfcastle (better known as "McBain") is presenting a frankly God-awful entertainment show on the Fox Network... offending the entire audience in just ten seconds. |
Rainer Wolfcastle |
Let's say hello to my music guy, Skoey. |
[The AUDIENCE applauds] |
That is some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. |
[The AUDIENCE boos loudly] |
Rainer Wolfcastle |
Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too. |
[The AUDIENCE boos loudly] |
Clip 3 S05 E02: "Cape Feare" |
Sideshow Bob is facing a Parole Board. The concern is that he might pose a threat to Bart. And we know that he will. But will the board decide in his favour? |
Lawyer |
Robert. If you were released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson? |
Sideshow Bob |
Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole? |
Parole Board Member |
Uh, we object to the term, "urine-soaked hell-hole," when you could have said, "pee-pee soaked heck-hole." |
Sideshow Bob |
Cheerfully withdrawn. |
Clip 4 S05 E04: "Rosebud" |
It's Charles Montgomery Burns' birthday and he's enjoying a no-expense-spared party at which the headline act is none other than The Ramones. Who seem less than enamoured to be there, to be honest. |
[The CROWD applaud] |
Waylon Smithers |
Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen... The Ramones. |
Mr. Burns |
Why, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves. |
Joey Ramone |
I'd just like to say this gig sucks. |
Johnny Ramone |
Hey, up yours Springfield! |
Joey Ramone |
One, two, three, four... |
[THE RAMONES begin to play a rock version of Happy Birthday] |
Joey Ramone |
♪ |
Johnny Ramone / Christopher Ward |
Happy birthday! |
Joey Ramone |
♪ |
Johnny Ramone / Christopher Ward |
Happy birthday! |
Joey Ramone |
♪ |
Joey Ramone / Johnny Ramone / Christopher Ward |
...to you! |
Christopher Ward |
Go to hell, you old bastard! |
Marky Ramone |
Hey, I think they liked us. |
Mr. Burns |
Have the Rolling Stones killed. |
Waylon Smithers |
But, sir... those aren't the - |
Mr. Burns |
- Do as I say! |
Clip 5 S05 E05: "Treehouse of Horror IV" |
In this Halloween special, Mr. Burns is a vampire living in a Transylvanian castle and attracting victims to it like flies to a honeypot. Victims like the Simpson family. |
[THE SIMPSONS approach MR. BURNS' Transylvanian castle and HOMER presses the doorbell] |
Mr. Burns |
[Via the intercom] |
Welcome. Come in! Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead. |
Waylon Smithers |
Sir, you have to let go of the button. |
Mr. Burns |
Oh, son of a b - |
[The front door slamming masks his final word] |
Clip 6 S05 E05: "Treehouse of Horror IV" |
Killing a vampire isn't easy. Garlic alone just won't do. Luckily, Lisa knows that it can only be done by driving a stake straight through its heart. And Homer is the man who's going to do it. Or not! |
Lisa |
You must drive this stake right through his heart. |
Homer |
Take that, vile fiend! |
[HOMER begins hammering a wooden stake into the sleeping body of MR. BURNS] |
Lisa |
Uh, Dad? That's his crotch. |
Homer |
Oh. Sorry! |
Clip 7 S05 E06: "Marge on the Lam" |
Marge has befriended Ruth Powers and the pair are hitting the town. It's going to be a wild and unpredictable ride into the unknown. |
Marge |
Woah! You look nice. |
Ruth Powers |
Tonight has nothin' to do with nice. Tonight's all about... |
[RUTH jams a cassette into the car stereo and Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore begins to play] |
Lesley Gore |
♪ |
[RUTH snatches the cassette back out] |
Ruth Powers |
Oh, sorry, Marge. Wrong tape. |
[She inserts another cassette and Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses begins to play as they speed away] |
Clip 8 S05 E06: "Marge on the Lam" |
Homer has gone to the Springfield sign to reminisce about he and Marge's early days as a couple. And who should he meet there, hiding in the bushes, but Chief Wiggum. |
Chief Wiggum |
Ahhhh, there's nothin' like Moonshine from your own still. |
[Seeing that he's not alone, he throws the bottle into the bushes] |
Oh, Simpson! |
[The bottle explodes into flames, setting fire to the bush] |
Wh... what are you doin' here? |
Homer |
Hmm. My wife's having a girls' night out. |
Chief Wiggum |
Ah, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman, though. Because one time I... come on. I'll, uh... give you a ride home. |
Clip 9 S05 E06: "Marge on the Lam" |
Pursuing a fleeing suspect in a car has GOT to call for a theme tune. Something suitable. A power ballad, perhaps or a rock anthem. Probably not Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows, though. |
Chief Wiggum |
Looks like we've got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase. |
[CHIEF WIGGUM shoves a cassette into the car stereo and Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore begins to play. He and eventually HOMER begin to sing along to the track as the sirens blare] |
Clip 10 S05 E07: "Bart's Inner Child" |
Kent Brockman is the inept news anchor who is always saying the wrong thing. Take this, for example. Was there really any need for a curse word? The "f-word" at that! |
Kent Brockman |
A new mood is in the air in Springfield as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about fu*king time! |
Clip 11 S05 E08: "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood" |
Homer always has such mature, sage and appropriate advice for his children. Well, actually, no he doesn't. Ever. And this is another example of the kind of sh*t he says on a daily basis! |
Bart |
Okay, look... I made a terrible mistake. I wandered into a Junior Camper recruitment centre but what's done is done. I've made my bed and now I've got to weasel out of it. |
Marge |
I know you think Junior Campers are square and un-cool but they also do a lot of neat things like sing-alongs and flag ceremonies. |
Homer |
Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel. |
Clip 12 S05 E08: "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood" |
Bart has escaped a test by joining the Junior Campers. He's about to enter one of their meetings. And he's probably not expecting what happens next. |
Bart |
Hello, alternative to testing! |
[BART opens the classroom door to reveal his Junior Camper peers and their leader... NED FLANDERS. He groans dejectedly] |
Ned Flanders |
Well, it's Bart Simpson! Come on in. You're just in time for a sponge-bath the old folks day. |
Jasper Beardsley |
Help yourself. But stay above the equator! |
Bart |
[Screams and runs from the classroom, slamming the door behind him] |
Clip 13 S05 E08: "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood" |
Bart hasn't passed the test at Junior Campers to be able to possess or use a pocket knife. So now he takes to trying to convince himself that they're boring and he doesn't actually want one. |
Bart |
Knives are boring. |
[As he approaches MOE'S TAVERN, the proprietor appears, throwing HANS MOLEMAN out of the bar] |
Moe |
When I say put your beer on a coaster, I mean it. |
Hans Moleman |
You call that a knife? |
[HANS MOLEMAN produces a machete-like knife from his pocket and the weight immediately becomes too much for his frail frame] |
This is a knife... woah, woah... down I go! |
[The knife pulls HANS to the floor] |
Clip 14 S05 E08: "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood" |
Homer has ended up adrift in a dingy with Bart and Ned Flanders. He's lost all hope of rescue or survival, despite Ned's enthusiasm. But who's right? Well, the answer may surprise you! |
Homer |
You know, what does it matter? We're doomed. |
[NED looks up to see a Seagull hovering overhead] |
Ned Flanders |
Wrong. We're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They only go out to sea to die. |
[Predictably and somewhat noisily, the seagull caws and dies mid-air, falling into the ocean] |
Homer |
Woohoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right. Not Flanders. We are doomed! |
Clip 15 S05 E09: "The Last Temptation of Homer" |
Homer, uncharacteristically, has fallen head-over-heels for a co-worker, Mindy Simmons. He's nervous around her. Giggly, clumsy... like a schoolboy. And she's the same around him. |
Homer |
Ahhh. I've made it a whole day without seeing her again. |
[The elevator arrives and MINDY SIMMONS is already inside the car] |
HA! I mean... Ha-llo! |
Mindy Simmons |
I guess we'll be... going down together. I mean... getting off tog... I mean - |
Homer |
That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator. I mean elevator. |
Clip 16 S05 E09: "The Last Temptation of Homer" |
Homer is staying in a swanky hotel on business. His bellhop is very helpful. But leaves too little to the imagination, if I'm being completely honest. |
Bellhop |
TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for... |
[The BELLHOP wolf-whistles, meows like a cat, clicks his tongue, makes squeaking noises, purrs like a cat, pants, barks and then howls like a dog before making an indescribable noise with his lips] |
Hubba-hubba! |
Clip 17 S05 E10: "$pringfield (or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)" |
Springfield's military base was closed the previous spring and Kent Brockman feels that this affected two of the city's most profitable industries. Ahem. Yes. Those. |
Kent Brockman |
The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries. |
Clip 18 S05 E11: "Homer the Vigilante" |
The Springfield Cat Burglar has struck again. And this time, his target was 742 Evergreen Terrace, the home of the Simpsons. |
[HOMER is asleep, snoring on the living room floor] |
Bart |
Dad, we've been robbed! |
Lisa |
Wake up, Dad. Wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone. |
Homer |
Woohoo! |
Bart |
And our portable TV. |
Homer |
D'oh! |
Marge |
And my necklace. |
Homer |
Ah, that's no big loss. |
Marge |
Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom. |
Homer |
Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of them. |
Marge |
Well, yes I do... |
[MARGE opens a drawer and pulls out a huge ball of entangled necklaces from which she extracts one] |
...but they're all heirlooms, too. |
Bart |
Burglar even took my stamp collection. |
Lisa |
You had a stamp collection? |
[MARGE, LISA and HOMER begin laughing at BART. The phone rings and MARGE lifts the receiver] |
Nelson |
Stamp collection? Ha-ha! |
Bart |
[Groans] |
Clip 19 S05 E11: "Homer the Vigilante" |
In an effort to protect Springfield from the Springfield Cat Burglar, Homer forms a vigilante group with Principal Skinner, Lenny Leonard, Barney Gumble and Moe Szyslak. |
Homer |
Okay. We've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need codenames. I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball, Barney will be Twelve Ball and Moe, you can be Cue Ball. |
Moe |
You're an idiot. |
Clip 20 S05 E14: "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy" |
Lisa is trying to track down the creator of Malibu Stacy, Stacy Lavelle. And who knows where she lives? Why, Waylon Smithers, of course! |
Waylon Smithers |
Here. I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter. It contains her last known whereabouts. I'll, uh... print you out a copy. |
{WAYLON SMITHERS powers up his computer] |
Lisa |
Thanks. |
[WAYLON SMITHERS' monitor springs to life, revealing a screensaver he created himself depicting a naked MR. BURNS] |
Mr. Burns (Screensaver) |
Hello... Smithers... you're... quite good... at... turning... me... on. |
Waylon Smithers |
Um, you should probably ignore that. |
Clip 21 S05 E15: "Deep Space Homer" |
Worker of the Week. Is there anything worse? And who would they even choose at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant? Well, everyone except Homer, it seems. |
Carl Carlson |
I hate these Worker of the Week ceremonies. |
Lenny Leonard |
Who even cares any more? Everyone that works here has already got one. |
Carl Carlson |
Except forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... |
[HOMER appears to CARL CARLSON'S left] |
Homer |
Hello! Well, today's the day for Homer J. I know I'm gonna win this time. |
Lenny Leonard |
Yeah? How come? |
Homer |
Union Rule 26. Every employee must win Worker of the Week at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odour. |
[Laughs smugly] |
Clip 22 S05 E15: "Deep Space Homer" |
NASA is sending an ordinary man into space. Or so they think. Because Homer is no ordinary man. For a start, he's appeared at the press junket wearing a Barbecue Chef apron. |
Reporter |
Uh, question for the Barbecue Chef. Don't you think there's inherent danger in sending under-qualified civilians in to space? |
Homer |
I'll field this one. |
[HOMER steps up the podium] |
The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty. THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! |
[HOMER begins to cry] |
Clip 23 S05 E16: "Homer Loves Flanders" |
Bart's logic is impeccable. Homer is a loser because being a loser is genetic. Which means that Bart himself must be a... d'oh! |
Homer |
Why am I such a loser? Why? |
Bart |
Well, your father was a loser. And his father. And his father. It's genetic, man... D'oh! |
Clip 24 S05 E16: "Homer Loves Flanders" |
Mr. Burns will go to any lengths to push his baseball team, the Springfield Atoms, to victory. Any lengths. Any lengths at all. Including deliberately crippling a child. |
Mr. Burns |
Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you. |
[CUT TO: Springfield Hospital. Milhouse Van Houten is laying in a bed with his leg in traction] |
Millhouse |
I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back. |
Clip 25 S05 E16: "Homer Loves Flanders" |
Ned has treated Homer to a seat at the Springfield Atoms game. He's already been made to duck in the car so they're not seen together and he believes that the same measures are necessary as they exit. |
Ned Flanders |
Oh, I guess it's time for me to duck again. |
Homer |
No. I want everyone to know that THIS IS NED FLANDERS, MY FRIEND! |
Lenny Leonard |
What did he say? |
Carl Carlson |
I don't know. Something about being gay. |
Clip 26 S05 E17: "Bart Gets an Elephant" |
Bart's elephant has escaped. Yeah, I know. Sounds implausible, right? I mean, why would there be an elephant running amok in Springfield? Well, Chief Wiggum feels exactly the same way. |
Chief Wiggum |
Ha! Yeah, right, lady. An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay. |
[He disconnects and answers another call] |
Wiggum. Yeah right, Mister. Mmm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay. |
[He disconnects and answers another call] |
Wiggum. Yeah right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson. |
[He hangs up] |
Clip 27 S05 E17: "Bart Gets an Elephant" |
Homer has lost control of his car and collided with a bush sculpted to resemble a deer. A female deer. D'oh! |
[HOMER loses control of his car and collides with a bush sculpted into the form of a deer] |
Homer |
D'OH! |
Lisa |
A deer! |
Marge |
A female deer! |
Clip 28 S05 E18: "Burns' Heir" |
Being a parent is about passing down your wisdom to your children... giving them the tools they need to build a better life than you ever had. Encouraging them in every way. Don't be like Homer. |
Homer |
Kids... you tried your best. And you failed miserably. The lesson is... never try. |
Clip 29 S05 E19: "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song" |
Yom Kippur. It's the tenth day of Tishrei which is the seventh month of the Hebrew calendar. It's the holiest day in Judaism. There. You may have learned a little something. Now, someone tell Skinner! |
Principal Skinner |
Oh, I... I... I know Weinstein's parents were upset, uh... Superintendent, but... but I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean... it sounds so made up. Yom Kippur. |
[Laughs] |
Clip 30 S05 E19: "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song" |
Santa's Little Helper has unwittingly caused Principal Skinner to get fired. He also bit him and made sweet, sweet love to the educator's leg. But Skinner believes it may have been for the best! |
Bart |
Principal Skinner? Um... I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired. And biting you and then... getting it on with your leg. |
Principal Skinner |
Well, maybe it was for the best. |
Clip 31 S05 E19: "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song" |
Seymour Skinner has re-enlisted with the US Army. Bart wants him back. Which sounds surprising but then, Ned Flanders has stepped up as Principal. Not so surprising now, huh?! |
Bart |
If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to come back? |
Seymour Skinner |
Uh, I must admit I do miss the school. And, frankly, the army isn't quite how I remembered it. |
[A truck carrying soldiers passes the pair and a troop shouts and throws a beer can at his superior's head] |
Troop |
Up yours, Sergeant! |
Seymour Skinner |
Actually, it's exactly as I remembered it! |
Clip 32 S05 E20: "The Boy Who Knew Too Much" |
Bart is so conniving. He's worked out a way to sneak into an adult theatre whilst skipping school. But it DOES rely on the ticket booth attendant being simpler than Homer. |
Bart |
Look... if I was under seventeen I'd be in school, right? |
Ticket Booth Attendant |
Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boobarama, Sir. |
Clip 33 S05 E21: "Lady Bouvier's Lover" |
Marge is playing Cupid, trying to get Homer's father and her mother together. Sadly, Abraham Simpsons is pretty senile and the plan back-fires spectacularly. |
Marge |
Say... I've got a neat idea. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother and we'll all go out to dinner? |
Grampa |
I'll be back in a jiffy! |
[GRAMPA goes inside the OLD FOLKS' HOME and returns pushing a strange woman in a wheelchair] |
Marge |
That's not my mother. |
Grampa |
I'll be back in a jiffy! |
Old Woman |
Can I come, too? |
[MARGE closes the car window] |
Ohhh. |
Clip 34 S05 E21: "Lady Bouvier's Lover" |
Is Abraham Simpson really in love with Jacqueline Bouvier? Well, it would appear so. But the symptoms of love can be similar to the symptoms of a Cerebrovascular Accident, too. So, which one is it?! |
Grampa |
You know... you remind me of a poem I can't remember and a song that may never have existed and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to. |
Jacqueline Bouvier |
Oh, that's so sweet. |
Grampa |
Ooh. I feel all funny! |
[Gasps] |
I'm in love! No. Wait... it's a stroke. |
[CUT TO: Ambulance rushing him to hospital] |
No. Wait. It is love! |
[The ambulance stops] |
Clip 35 S05 E21: "Lady Bouvier's Lover" |
Bart has ordered a genuine Itchy & Scratchy animation cell. He's waiting for it to be delivered. And today could be the day, Bart. Today could be the day! |
[The doorbell at 742 Evergreen Terrace chimes and BART opens the door] |
Delivery Man |
Yeah, hi. I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. |
Bart |
That's me. |
[The delivery man punches BART in the nose] |
Delivery Man |
No more writing no more letters to Mr. Sinatra. |
[BART closes the door and the doorbell rings again immediately. He opens the door] |
Delivery Boy |
I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson. |
Bart |
Uh, that's me. |
[The delivery boy punches BART in the nose] |
Bart |
UH! |
Delivery Boy |
Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range. |
[BART closes the door and the doorbell rings again immediately] |
Delivery Man |
Homer Simpson! I've got a, uh... special delivery for ya. |
Bart |
Go away. |
Delivery Man |
If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson... I cannot give you your... special delivery. |
Bart |
[Sighs and opens the door to find that this is the package he's been waiting for] |
Delivery Man |
Here's your special delivery. |
Bart |
Thanks. |
[The delivery man punches BART in the nose] |
Delivery Man |
That's for keeping me waitin'. |
Clip 36 S05 E22: "Secrets of a Successful Marriage" |
When the woman you love says she has a "special present" for you and suggests she "gives it to you later," she probably means something sexual. Homer? Are you listening?! |
Marge |
I have a special present for you. But I'll give it to you later tonight. |
Homer |
Special present? I don't wanna wait. I want it now. I want the children to see. Ooh! Oh. Right. Later. |
[Laughs coquettishly] |