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36 MP3 Audio clips from Season 5 of The Simpsons (1989)

Starting out in 1987 as a segment on the Tracey Ullman Show and going independent in 1990, The Simpsons is now a global phenomenon, following the lives of a dysfunctional family from Springfield comprising Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Running for 34 seasons and the same number of years, it's a positive goldmine of comedy which we're very proud to (finally) commence work on.

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Timestamp: 2024-08-07 | Added: 2023-02-15
The Simpsons

The Simpsons | Season 5

© 1989 Gracie Films / 20th Television Animation

Starting out in 1987 as a segment on the Tracey Ullman Show and going independent in 1990, The Simpsons is now a global phenomenon, following the lives of a dysfunctional family from Springfield comprising Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Running for 34 seasons and the same number of years, it's a positive goldmine of comedy which we're very proud to (finally) commence work on.

UPDATED: | CLIPS: 441

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Clip 1

S05 E01: "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"

Nigel is the manager of the Be Sharps, Homer's Barbershop Quartet, and he wants the group to appear young, free and single to appeal to a female audience.

Download Clip 0290-133 to your PC / Mac  

Nigel

Gentlemen, you've just recorded your first number one.

Group

Oh, yes!

Homer

Wait'll I tell Marge.

Nigel

Oh, yes. Bouffant Betty. Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. You see, a lot of women are going to want to have sex with you and, uh... we want them to think they can.

Homer

Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I'm sure she'll understand.

[We cut to the aftermath of HOMER explaining this to MARGE]

Marge

[Crying pitifully]

Clip 2

S05 E02: "Cape Feare"

Rainer Wolfcastle (better known as "McBain") is presenting a frankly God-awful entertainment show on the Fox Network... offending the entire audience in just ten seconds.

Download Clip 0290-134 to your PC / Mac  

Rainer Wolfcastle

Let's say hello to my music guy, Skoey.

[The AUDIENCE applauds]

That is some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.

[The AUDIENCE boos loudly]

Rainer Wolfcastle

Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too.

[The AUDIENCE boos loudly]

Clip 3

S05 E02: "Cape Feare"

Sideshow Bob is facing a Parole Board. The concern is that he might pose a threat to Bart. And we know that he will. But will the board decide in his favour?

Download Clip 0290-135 to your PC / Mac  

Lawyer

Robert. If you were released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?

Sideshow Bob

Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole?

Parole Board Member

Uh, we object to the term, "urine-soaked hell-hole," when you could have said, "pee-pee soaked heck-hole."

Sideshow Bob

Cheerfully withdrawn.

Clip 4

S05 E04: "Rosebud"

It's Charles Montgomery Burns' birthday and he's enjoying a no-expense-spared party at which the headline act is none other than The Ramones. Who seem less than enamoured to be there, to be honest.

Download Clip 0290-136 to your PC / Mac  

[The CROWD applaud]

Waylon Smithers

Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen... The Ramones.

Mr. Burns

Why, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.

Joey Ramone

I'd just like to say this gig sucks.

Johnny Ramone

Hey, up yours Springfield!

Joey Ramone

One, two, three, four...

[THE RAMONES begin to play a rock version of Happy Birthday]

Joey Ramone


Happy birthday to you.

Johnny Ramone / Christopher Ward

Happy birthday!

Joey Ramone


Happy birthday to you.

Johnny Ramone / Christopher Ward

Happy birthday!

Joey Ramone


Happy birthday, Burnsey! Happy birthday...

Joey Ramone / Johnny Ramone / Christopher Ward

...to you!

Christopher Ward

Go to hell, you old bastard!

Marky Ramone

Hey, I think they liked us.

Mr. Burns

Have the Rolling Stones killed.

Waylon Smithers

But, sir... those aren't the -

Mr. Burns

- Do as I say!

Clip 5

S05 E05: "Treehouse of Horror IV"

In this Halloween special, Mr. Burns is a vampire living in a Transylvanian castle and attracting victims to it like flies to a honeypot. Victims like the Simpson family.

Download Clip 0290-137 to your PC / Mac  

[THE SIMPSONS approach MR. BURNS' Transylvanian castle and HOMER presses the doorbell]

Mr. Burns

[Via the intercom]

Welcome. Come in! Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead.

Waylon Smithers

Sir, you have to let go of the button.

Mr. Burns

Oh, son of a b -

[The front door slamming masks his final word]

Clip 6

S05 E05: "Treehouse of Horror IV"

Killing a vampire isn't easy. Garlic alone just won't do. Luckily, Lisa knows that it can only be done by driving a stake straight through its heart. And Homer is the man who's going to do it. Or not!

Download Clip 0290-138 to your PC / Mac  

Lisa

You must drive this stake right through his heart.

Homer

Take that, vile fiend!

[HOMER begins hammering a wooden stake into the sleeping body of MR. BURNS]

Lisa

Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.

Homer

Oh. Sorry!

Clip 7

S05 E06: "Marge on the Lam"

Marge has befriended Ruth Powers and the pair are hitting the town. It's going to be a wild and unpredictable ride into the unknown.

Download Clip 0290-139 to your PC / Mac  

Marge

Woah! You look nice.

Ruth Powers

Tonight has nothin' to do with nice. Tonight's all about...

[RUTH jams a cassette into the car stereo and Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore begins to play]

Lesley Gore


Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows -

[RUTH snatches the cassette back out]

Ruth Powers

Oh, sorry, Marge. Wrong tape.

[She inserts another cassette and Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses begins to play as they speed away]

Clip 8

S05 E06: "Marge on the Lam"

Homer has gone to the Springfield sign to reminisce about he and Marge's early days as a couple. And who should he meet there, hiding in the bushes, but Chief Wiggum.

Download Clip 0290-140 to your PC / Mac  

Chief Wiggum

Ahhhh, there's nothin' like Moonshine from your own still.

[Seeing that he's not alone, he throws the bottle into the bushes]

Oh, Simpson!

[The bottle explodes into flames, setting fire to the bush]

Wh... what are you doin' here?

Homer

Hmm. My wife's having a girls' night out.

Chief Wiggum

Ah, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman, though. Because one time I... come on. I'll, uh... give you a ride home.

Clip 9

S05 E06: "Marge on the Lam"

Pursuing a fleeing suspect in a car has GOT to call for a theme tune. Something suitable. A power ballad, perhaps or a rock anthem. Probably not Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows, though.

Download Clip 0290-141 to your PC / Mac  

Chief Wiggum

Looks like we've got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase.

[CHIEF WIGGUM shoves a cassette into the car stereo and Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore begins to play. He and eventually HOMER begin to sing along to the track as the sirens blare]

Clip 10

S05 E07: "Bart's Inner Child"

Kent Brockman is the inept news anchor who is always saying the wrong thing. Take this, for example. Was there really any need for a curse word? The "f-word" at that!

Download Clip 0290-142 to your PC / Mac  

Kent Brockman

A new mood is in the air in Springfield as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about fu*king time!

Clip 11

S05 E08: "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood"

Homer always has such mature, sage and appropriate advice for his children. Well, actually, no he doesn't. Ever. And this is another example of the kind of sh*t he says on a daily basis!

Download Clip 0290-143 to your PC / Mac  

Bart

Okay, look... I made a terrible mistake. I wandered into a Junior Camper recruitment centre but what's done is done. I've made my bed and now I've got to weasel out of it.

Marge

I know you think Junior Campers are square and un-cool but they also do a lot of neat things like sing-alongs and flag ceremonies.

Homer

Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Clip 12

S05 E08: "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood"

Bart has escaped a test by joining the Junior Campers. He's about to enter one of their meetings. And he's probably not expecting what happens next.

Download Clip 0290-144 to your PC / Mac  

Bart

Hello, alternative to testing!

[BART opens the classroom door to reveal his Junior Camper peers and their leader... NED FLANDERS. He groans dejectedly]

Ned Flanders

Well, it's Bart Simpson! Come on in. You're just in time for a sponge-bath the old folks day.

Jasper Beardsley

Help yourself. But stay above the equator!

Bart

[Screams and runs from the classroom, slamming the door behind him]

Clip 13

S05 E08: "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood"

Bart hasn't passed the test at Junior Campers to be able to possess or use a pocket knife. So now he takes to trying to convince himself that they're boring and he doesn't actually want one.

Download Clip 0290-145 to your PC / Mac  

Bart

Knives are boring.

[As he approaches MOE'S TAVERN, the proprietor appears, throwing HANS MOLEMAN out of the bar]

Moe

When I say put your beer on a coaster, I mean it.

Hans Moleman

You call that a knife?

[HANS MOLEMAN produces a machete-like knife from his pocket and the weight immediately becomes too much for his frail frame]

This is a knife... woah, woah... down I go!

[The knife pulls HANS to the floor]

Clip 14

S05 E08: "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood"

Homer has ended up adrift in a dingy with Bart and Ned Flanders. He's lost all hope of rescue or survival, despite Ned's enthusiasm. But who's right? Well, the answer may surprise you!

Download Clip 0290-146 to your PC / Mac  

Homer

You know, what does it matter? We're doomed.

[NED looks up to see a Seagull hovering overhead]

Ned Flanders

Wrong. We're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They only go out to sea to die.

[Predictably and somewhat noisily, the seagull caws and dies mid-air, falling into the ocean]

Homer

Woohoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right. Not Flanders. We are doomed!

Clip 15

S05 E09: "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer, uncharacteristically, has fallen head-over-heels for a co-worker, Mindy Simmons. He's nervous around her. Giggly, clumsy... like a schoolboy. And she's the same around him.

Download Clip 0290-147 to your PC / Mac  

Homer

Ahhh. I've made it a whole day without seeing her again.

[The elevator arrives and MINDY SIMMONS is already inside the car]

HA! I mean... Ha-llo!

Mindy Simmons

I guess we'll be... going down together. I mean... getting off tog... I mean -

Homer

That's okay. I'll just push the button for the stimulator. I mean elevator.

Clip 16

S05 E09: "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Homer is staying in a swanky hotel on business. His bellhop is very helpful. But leaves too little to the imagination, if I'm being completely honest.

Download Clip 0290-148 to your PC / Mac  

Bellhop

TV's there, bathroom's there, and there's your king-size bed for...

[The BELLHOP wolf-whistles, meows like a cat, clicks his tongue, makes squeaking noises, purrs like a cat, pants, barks and then howls like a dog before making an indescribable noise with his lips]

Hubba-hubba!

Clip 17

S05 E10: "$pringfield (or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"

Springfield's military base was closed the previous spring and Kent Brockman feels that this affected two of the city's most profitable industries. Ahem. Yes. Those.

Download Clip 0290-149 to your PC / Mac  

Kent Brockman

The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries.

Clip 18

S05 E11: "Homer the Vigilante"

The Springfield Cat Burglar has struck again. And this time, his target was 742 Evergreen Terrace, the home of the Simpsons.

Download Clip 0290-150 to your PC / Mac  

[HOMER is asleep, snoring on the living room floor]

Bart

Dad, we've been robbed!

Lisa

Wake up, Dad. Wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone.

Homer

Woohoo!

Bart

And our portable TV.

Homer

D'oh!

Marge

And my necklace.

Homer

Ah, that's no big loss.

Marge

Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom.

Homer

Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of them.

Marge

Well, yes I do...

[MARGE opens a drawer and pulls out a huge ball of entangled necklaces from which she extracts one]

...but they're all heirlooms, too.

Bart

Burglar even took my stamp collection.

Lisa

You had a stamp collection?

[MARGE, LISA and HOMER begin laughing at BART. The phone rings and MARGE lifts the receiver]

Nelson

Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

Bart

[Groans]

Clip 19

S05 E11: "Homer the Vigilante"

In an effort to protect Springfield from the Springfield Cat Burglar, Homer forms a vigilante group with Principal Skinner, Lenny Leonard, Barney Gumble and Moe Szyslak.

Download Clip 0290-151 to your PC / Mac  

Homer

Okay. We've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need codenames. I'll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball, Barney will be Twelve Ball and Moe, you can be Cue Ball.

Moe

You're an idiot.

Clip 20

S05 E14: "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"

Lisa is trying to track down the creator of Malibu Stacy, Stacy Lavelle. And who knows where she lives? Why, Waylon Smithers, of course!

Download Clip 0290-152 to your PC / Mac  

Waylon Smithers

Here. I'm writing an article on her for my next Malibu Stacy newsletter. It contains her last known whereabouts. I'll, uh... print you out a copy.

{WAYLON SMITHERS powers up his computer]

Lisa

Thanks.

[WAYLON SMITHERS' monitor springs to life, revealing a screensaver he created himself depicting a naked MR. BURNS]

Mr. Burns (Screensaver)

Hello... Smithers... you're... quite good... at... turning... me... on.

Waylon Smithers

Um, you should probably ignore that.

Clip 21

S05 E15: "Deep Space Homer"

Worker of the Week. Is there anything worse? And who would they even choose at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant? Well, everyone except Homer, it seems.

Download Clip 0290-153 to your PC / Mac  

Carl Carlson

I hate these Worker of the Week ceremonies.

Lenny Leonard

Who even cares any more? Everyone that works here has already got one.

Carl Carlson

Except forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

[HOMER appears to CARL CARLSON'S left]

Homer

Hello! Well, today's the day for Homer J. I know I'm gonna win this time.

Lenny Leonard

Yeah? How come?

Homer

Union Rule 26. Every employee must win Worker of the Week at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odour.

[Laughs smugly]

Clip 22

S05 E15: "Deep Space Homer"

NASA is sending an ordinary man into space. Or so they think. Because Homer is no ordinary man. For a start, he's appeared at the press junket wearing a Barbecue Chef apron.

Download Clip 0290-154 to your PC / Mac  

Reporter

Uh, question for the Barbecue Chef. Don't you think there's inherent danger in sending under-qualified civilians in to space?

Homer

I'll field this one.

[HOMER steps up the podium]

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty. THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

[HOMER begins to cry]

Clip 23

S05 E16: "Homer Loves Flanders"

Bart's logic is impeccable. Homer is a loser because being a loser is genetic. Which means that Bart himself must be a... d'oh!

Download Clip 0290-155 to your PC / Mac  

Homer

Why am I such a loser? Why?

Bart

Well, your father was a loser. And his father. And his father. It's genetic, man... D'oh!

Clip 24

S05 E16: "Homer Loves Flanders"

Mr. Burns will go to any lengths to push his baseball team, the Springfield Atoms, to victory. Any lengths. Any lengths at all. Including deliberately crippling a child.

Download Clip 0290-156 to your PC / Mac  

Mr. Burns

Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you.

[CUT TO: Springfield Hospital. Milhouse Van Houten is laying in a bed with his leg in traction]

Millhouse

I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

Clip 25

S05 E16: "Homer Loves Flanders"

Ned has treated Homer to a seat at the Springfield Atoms game. He's already been made to duck in the car so they're not seen together and he believes that the same measures are necessary as they exit.

Download Clip 0290-157 to your PC / Mac  

Ned Flanders

Oh, I guess it's time for me to duck again.

Homer

No. I want everyone to know that THIS IS NED FLANDERS, MY FRIEND!

Lenny Leonard

What did he say?

Carl Carlson

I don't know. Something about being gay.

Clip 26

S05 E17: "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Bart's elephant has escaped. Yeah, I know. Sounds implausible, right? I mean, why would there be an elephant running amok in Springfield? Well, Chief Wiggum feels exactly the same way.

Download Clip 0290-158 to your PC / Mac  

Chief Wiggum

Ha! Yeah, right, lady. An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay.

[He disconnects and answers another call]

Wiggum. Yeah right, Mister. Mmm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

[He disconnects and answers another call]

Wiggum. Yeah right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.

[He hangs up]

Clip 27

S05 E17: "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Homer has lost control of his car and collided with a bush sculpted to resemble a deer. A female deer. D'oh!

Download Clip 0290-159 to your PC / Mac  Download this clip in Apple M4R (ringtone) format

[HOMER loses control of his car and collides with a bush sculpted into the form of a deer]

Homer

D'OH!

Lisa

A deer!

Marge

A female deer!

Clip 28

S05 E18: "Burns' Heir"

Being a parent is about passing down your wisdom to your children... giving them the tools they need to build a better life than you ever had. Encouraging them in every way. Don't be like Homer.

Download Clip 0290-160 to your PC / Mac  

Homer

Kids... you tried your best. And you failed miserably. The lesson is... never try.

Clip 29

S05 E19: "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Yom Kippur. It's the tenth day of Tishrei which is the seventh month of the Hebrew calendar. It's the holiest day in Judaism. There. You may have learned a little something. Now, someone tell Skinner!

Download Clip 0290-161 to your PC / Mac  

Principal Skinner

Oh, I... I... I know Weinstein's parents were upset, uh... Superintendent, but... but I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean... it sounds so made up. Yom Kippur.

[Laughs]

Clip 30

S05 E19: "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Santa's Little Helper has unwittingly caused Principal Skinner to get fired. He also bit him and made sweet, sweet love to the educator's leg. But Skinner believes it may have been for the best!

Download Clip 0290-162 to your PC / Mac  

Bart

Principal Skinner? Um... I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired. And biting you and then... getting it on with your leg.

Principal Skinner

Well, maybe it was for the best.

Clip 31

S05 E19: "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Seymour Skinner has re-enlisted with the US Army. Bart wants him back. Which sounds surprising but then, Ned Flanders has stepped up as Principal. Not so surprising now, huh?!

Download Clip 0290-163 to your PC / Mac  

Bart

If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to come back?

Seymour Skinner

Uh, I must admit I do miss the school. And, frankly, the army isn't quite how I remembered it.

[A truck carrying soldiers passes the pair and a troop shouts and throws a beer can at his superior's head]

Troop

Up yours, Sergeant!

Seymour Skinner

Actually, it's exactly as I remembered it!

Clip 32

S05 E20: "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

Bart is so conniving. He's worked out a way to sneak into an adult theatre whilst skipping school. But it DOES rely on the ticket booth attendant being simpler than Homer.

Download Clip 0290-164 to your PC / Mac  

Bart

Look... if I was under seventeen I'd be in school, right?

Ticket Booth Attendant

Yeah, I guess you're right. Enjoy Boobarama, Sir.

Clip 33

S05 E21: "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Marge is playing Cupid, trying to get Homer's father and her mother together. Sadly, Abraham Simpsons is pretty senile and the plan back-fires spectacularly.

Download Clip 0290-165 to your PC / Mac  

Marge

Say... I've got a neat idea. Why don't you go in and pick up my mother and we'll all go out to dinner?

Grampa

I'll be back in a jiffy!

[GRAMPA goes inside the OLD FOLKS' HOME and returns pushing a strange woman in a wheelchair]

Marge

That's not my mother.

Grampa

I'll be back in a jiffy!

Old Woman

Can I come, too?

[MARGE closes the car window]

Ohhh.

Clip 34

S05 E21: "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Is Abraham Simpson really in love with Jacqueline Bouvier? Well, it would appear so. But the symptoms of love can be similar to the symptoms of a Cerebrovascular Accident, too. So, which one is it?!

Download Clip 0290-166 to your PC / Mac  

Grampa

You know... you remind me of a poem I can't remember and a song that may never have existed and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.

Jacqueline Bouvier

Oh, that's so sweet.

Grampa

Ooh. I feel all funny!

[Gasps]

I'm in love! No. Wait... it's a stroke.

[CUT TO: Ambulance rushing him to hospital]

No. Wait. It is love!

[The ambulance stops]

Clip 35

S05 E21: "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Bart has ordered a genuine Itchy & Scratchy animation cell. He's waiting for it to be delivered. And today could be the day, Bart. Today could be the day!

Download Clip 0290-167 to your PC / Mac  

[The doorbell at 742 Evergreen Terrace chimes and BART opens the door]

Delivery Man

Yeah, hi. I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.

Bart

That's me.

[The delivery man punches BART in the nose]

Delivery Man

No more writing no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.

[BART closes the door and the doorbell rings again immediately. He opens the door]

Delivery Boy

I've got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.

Bart

Uh, that's me.

[The delivery boy punches BART in the nose]

Bart

UH!

Delivery Boy

Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range.

[BART closes the door and the doorbell rings again immediately]

Delivery Man

Homer Simpson! I've got a, uh... special delivery for ya.

Bart

Go away.

Delivery Man

If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson... I cannot give you your... special delivery.

Bart

[Sighs and opens the door to find that this is the package he's been waiting for]

Delivery Man

Here's your special delivery.

Bart

Thanks.

[The delivery man punches BART in the nose]

Delivery Man

That's for keeping me waitin'.

Clip 36

S05 E22: "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

When the woman you love says she has a "special present" for you and suggests she "gives it to you later," she probably means something sexual. Homer? Are you listening?!

Download Clip 0290-168 to your PC / Mac  

Marge

I have a special present for you. But I'll give it to you later tonight.

Homer

Special present? I don't wanna wait. I want it now. I want the children to see. Ooh! Oh. Right. Later.

[Laughs coquettishly]