35 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of The Simpsons (1989)

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The Krusty Hotline. Entertaining for kids, costly for parents. And who cares about getting the bill-payers permission before dialling? Certainly not Krusty!

[BART dials a number on the kitchen phone]

Krusty

Hey, kids! You've reached the Krusty Hotline. If you haven't asked your parents' permission... naughty, naughty! But Krusty forgives you. Two dollars for the first minute, fifty cents for each additional minute.

[KRUSTY begins to laugh]

Thanks for calling, kids. A new message every day!

Lisa is quite the poet. Not that Homer would recognise that. He's only listening to his daughter's recital of her latest work so that she'll complete some paperwork for him.

Homer

Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?

Lisa

Well, all right. If you listen to the poem I just wrote.

Homer

D'OH! Oh, okay.

Lisa

Meditations on Turning Eight by Lisa Simpson.

I had a cat named Snowball,
she died, she died.
Mom said she was sleeping,
she lied, she lied.

Why, oh why is my cat dead?
Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?

I had a hamster named Snuffy,
he died -

Homer

No deal!

If there were an award for the most inappropriate hold music ever, the New Bedlam Wrongly-Committed Hotline would surely win. I mean... Jesus!

Recording

Hello. You've reached the New Bedlam Wrongly-Committed Hotline. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line.

[Crazy by Patsy Cline starts to play and Marge begins to cry]

Who asks for a 2 a.m. wake-up call? Certainly not Homer. But that doesn't matter. Because Bart and Lisa are the ultimate pranksters.

[The phone in HOMER'S hotel room begins to ring]

Homer

Y'hello?

Bart

[Speaking whilst pinching his nose]

Good morning. This is your wake-up call.

Homer

Wake-up call? It's two a.m.

Bart

Sorry, fatso!

[BART hangs up and he and LISA laugh hysterically]

Did Edna Crabapple really think that her fourth-grade class would be as upset as she clearly is about Principal Skinner's mysterious disappearance?

Edna Crabapple

Children. I don't know how to break this to you but... Principal Skinner is missing.

[The class begin to cheer excitedly]

Bart is writing a birthday card to his best friend, Millhouse. Lisa thinks the message is lovely. She also thinks that the card itself is entirely inappropriate. And I have to agree.

Bart

To me bestest bud, Millhouse. Happy birthday. Bart.

Lisa

Bart, that's so sweet. May I see the card?

[She begins to read the front and inside of the card]

Hey there, ten-year-old. I couldn't afford to get you a new drum, so how about a nice pair of bongos? Eeew!

I'm not sure what movie Mr. Burns watched over the weekend but I'm guessing it was on a subscription channel. The sort you wouldn't want your family or friends to know you've subscribed to.

Waylon Smithers

May I ask how you spent your weekend?

Mr. Burns

Well, a bit overly-familiar but I'll allow it. I took in a movie. An appalling little piece of filth. Its leading lady was a blonde harlot who spent half the film strolling around naked as a jaybird. Oh, just give the great unwashed a pair of over-sized breasts and a happy ending and they'll oink for more every time!

There are just ninety seconds to core meltdown. Waylon Smithers decides this would be the time to profess his love for his boss. Which means he'd better hope for a nuclear meltdown!

Alarm Voice

Ninety seconds to core meltdown.

Waylon Smithers

Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.

Mr. Burns

Oh... hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward!

Waylon Smithers is clearly gay. It's been implied for ages. And there's nothing wrong with that. But, in the face of impending disaster, he's coming on to Mr. Burns. And Mr. Burns doesn't like it.

Mr. Burns

Oh, Smithers. I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my sorry ass goodbye.

Waylon Smithers

May I, sir?

Mr. Burns

Eugh!

If only Homer realised just how big a contribution the Jewish faith makes to the entertainment industry. But he doesn't. Because he's an uneducated oaf. He's not anti-semitic. He's just a moron.

Marge

Who wants to say grace?

Lisa

Why don't we let our guest do it?

Millhouse

Bless us, oh Lord -

[BART slaps MILLHOUSE across the face]

Hey!

Bart

Krusty, would you do the honours?

Krusty

Well, all right. I'm a little rusty but, um... I'll... I'll try. Baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha-olam ha-motz-i lechem min ha'ar-etz.

Homer

[Laughs]

Oh, he's talking funny talk.

Lisa

No, Dad. That's Hebrew. Krusty must be Jewish.

Homer

A Jewish entertainer? Get out of here!

Being the Halloween special, Bart has special powers. Powers that let him go far further in his prank calling than he's ever been able to go before. Look out, Moe. This one's going to sting!

[The phone at MOE'S rings]

Moe

Moe's Tavern. Hold on. I'll check. UH, HEY, EVERYBODY! I'M A STUPID MORON WITH AN UGLY FACE AND A BIG BUTT AND MY BUTT SMELLS AND I LIKE TO KISS MY OWN BUTT!

[The patrons of the tavern laugh]

Barney

Ha! That's a good one!

It's the Springfield Elementary School talent show. And Chuck Berger is singing My Ding-A-Ling. Which doesn't go down too well with Principal Skinner, I can tell you.

Chuck Berger

♪
My ding-a-ling.
My ding-a-ling.
I want you to play with my ding-a-ling.
♪

Principal Skinner

This act is over.

[He bodily removes BERGER from the stage]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, uh... I'd like to put this filth behind us and let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of Stormy Leather. Uh, Stormy Weather.

[The crowd applaud]

Homer is a lovable oaf. We all know that. But he also has some pretty crazy ideas about what spending time with Lisa doing "girl things" might do to him.

Marge

Homie, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. If you keep spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you.

Homer

Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm gonna... you know... go fruity!

Homer is watching Eye on Springfield, hosted by Kent Brockman. It's a magazine show with many interesting stories to cover.

Kent Brockman

Tonight, we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tyre Yard Fire. Twenty-five years and still burning strong. We'll watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man.

Homer

He's not so fat.

Kent Brockman

And we visit with heavyweight champion Drederick Tatum who reminisces about growing up in Springfield.

Drederick Tatum

That town is a dump. If you ever see me back there, you'll know I really fu*ked up bad!

I always knew that one of these days, Bart's crank calls to Moe's Tavern would back-fire. So it came as no surprise when this happened.

[The phone at MOE'S TAVERN rings]

Moe

Oh, telephone.

[He answers it]

Flaming Moe's.

Bart

Uh, yes. I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.

Moe

Yeah, hold on. I'll check. UH, HUGH JASS. SOMEBODY CHECK THE MENS' ROOM FOR A HUGH JASS.

Hugh Jass

Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.

Moe

Telephone.

[MOE hands the receiver to HUGH]

Hugh Jass

Hello? This is Hugh Jass.

Bart

Uh, hi!

Hugh Jass

Who's this?

Bart

Bart Simpson.

Hugh Jass

Well, what can I do for you, Bart?

Bart

Uh, look... I'll level with you Mister. This is a crank call that sort of back-fired and I'd like to bail out right now.

Hugh Jass

All right. Better luck next time.

[HUGH hangs up]

What a nice young man.

Homer is the king of sarcasm. But he's not at all subtle with it. Perhaps it's the voice. See what you think. Sarcasm or not?

Marge

Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.

Homer

Ooh, look at me. I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man. From Happy Land in a gumdrop house on Lolipop Lane!

[HOMER slams the door]

Mr. Burns has sold the Springfield Power Plant and Horst is the "go-between", trying to smooth things over with the existing staff. Unfortunately, this includes Homer J. Simpson.

Horst

Homer, could we have a word with you?

Homer

No.

Horst

I must have phrased that badly. My English is, how you say, inelegant. I meant to say may we have a brief, friendly chat?

Homer

No.

Horst

Once again, I have failed. We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas.

Homer

[Screams]

It's Bart again. Someone should put a lock on that phone because he's always making crank calls to the long-suffering Moe.

[The phone at MOE'S TAVERN rings and Moe answers it]

Moe

Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.

Bart

Uh, yes. I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name Bea.

Moe

Uh, yeah... just a minute. I'll check. UH... B O'PROBLEM. B O'PROBLEM. COME ON, GUYS. DO I HAVE A B O'PROBLEM HERE?

Barney

You sure do!

[The patrons of the tavern laugh]

An unexpected pregnancy is a possibility. But Homer steers clear of Clear Blue™ and other reassuringly expensive home pregnancy tests, opting instead for one from Barnacle Bill.

Marge

Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Okay. Let's see. Ahoy, maties! If the water turns blue, a baby for you. If purple ye see, no baby thar be.

Homer

Well? What colour is it? Blue or purple?

Marge

Pink.

Homer

D'OH!

Marge

Hmm. If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail.

In this flash-back to 1980, Homer and Marge are leaving a screening of The Empire Strikes Back, walking past the line of people waiting to see the movie.

Homer

Wow! What an ending. Who'd have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father?

Man

Oh, thank you, Mister blow the picture for me!

This salesman is quick to point out that he is not promoting a shady pyramid scheme. No, sir. His is based on a trapezoid. But something tells me that it's still not strictly "kosher."

Salesman

Hey! Who wants to get rich today?

Crowd

Me!

Homer

Me, me, me, me, me! I said it first!

Salesman

[Laughs]

First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. No, sir. Our model is the trapezoid that guarantees each investor an eight-hundred percent return within hours of your initial -

[Sirens can be heard approaching]

- the cops!

[He throws himself through the window]

Back in 1980, Homer marched into the office of Charles Montgomery Burns and demanded a job in the most ass-about-face manner I've ever heard. And here's that moment.

Homer

Are you the boss?

Mr. Burns

Yes.

Waylon Smithers

I'll call security, sir.

Homer

Well, listen to me, Mr. Bigshot. If you're looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself, I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice-cream. And if you don't like it, I can change.

Wow. Who knew that Krusty would be so interesting? I mean, this interview is gold, man. Absolute, solid, eighteen-carat gold. He should consider a career as an after dinner speaker.

Krusty

I wanted to do something to help that boy. So I called my good friend, Sting. He said, "Krusty, when do you need me?". I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy Thursday." I said, "What about Friday?" He said, "Friday's worse than Thursday." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story.

Okay. So as a father, it's hard to know where to draw the line between tucking in your child safely and snuggly and... causing them to suffer a deep vein thrombosis. That is, if you're Homer Simpson.

Lisa

Mom? Could you loosen my blanket a little? Dad tucked me in too tight and it's cutting off the circulation to my arms and legs.

Holding a service, conducting a sermon during the Superbowl has got to be tough. I mean, who would even be there? Well, this guy would. But not for long.

Reverend Lovejoy

Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game.

Parishoner

Oh, my God! I forgot the game!

Homer. He's not sensitive. So how can a sensitive love letter be his speciality? Well, spoiler alert... it's not. Not if this abomination is anything to go by.

Homer

Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population... you.

Mr. Burns has brought a team of ringers onboard in his effort to beat Shelbyville's baseball team. And they need some motivation. Perhaps a hypnotist could help? Or, then again... perhaps not.

Hypnotist

You are all very good players.

Players

We are all very good players.

Hypnotist

You will beat Shelbyville.

Players

We will beat Shelbyville.

Hypnotist

You will give one-hundred and ten percent.

Players

That's impossible. No-one can give more than one-hundred percent. By definition, that is the most that anyone can give.

I think that Edna Crabapple might have unleashed some hidden bitterness here. I mean, there are some things you can tell a group of eight-year-olds and some things you definitely shouldn't.

Edna Crabapple

Now, class. I promised you a surprise today. And here it is. We're going to take a test.

Class

[Vocalise their displeasure at this news]

Edna Crabapple

Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair. In spite of your masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth-graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counsellor.

Some fathers forget their childrens' birthdays. Some fathers forget their childrens' middle names. But no father should forget one of their children altogether. That's not fatherhood. That's idiocy.

Marge

Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.

Homer

Oh. We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?

Marge

We have three kids, Homer.

Homer

Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.

Marge

No. Maggie!

Homer

Oh, yeah!

Lisa. Not known for her rebellious nature or her rudeness towards those in authority. But a girl can only take so much. Destined to become a home-maker, told she'll never play sax in a jazz band...

Miss Hoover

Now, sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.

Lisa

Shove it!

Miss Hoover

[Gasps in horror]

[We cut to INT: Principal Skinner's office]

Principal Skinner

I have never seen a good student take such a slide. Lisa... what are you rebelling against?

Lisa

What have you got?

If you have a name that sounds rude or silly, you might want to change it before embarking upon a career as a teacher. Because if you don't, no kid will respect you. Mock you? Yes. Respect you? No.

Teacher

This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again.

Principal Skinner

Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.

Calling 9-1-1 during the lottery results shouldn't be a problem. Except if you live in Springfield. Because Chief Wiggum will let nothing stand between him and the $130,000,000 jackpot.

Chief Wiggum

[Answering the phone]

Uh, no... you've got the wrong number. This is nine one... two.

Sideshow Bob. He's evil. He framed Krusty for armed robbbery and has served time in prison. And now he's free, he's latched on to Marge's sister, Selma. Whom he plans to murder. He's a bad, bad egg.

Sideshow Bob

Selma. Would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in front of your family?

Selma

All right. But no tongues.

Sideshow Bob

Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray, that's not what I had in mind.

Marge is using a camcorder to capture Selma's wedding for posterity. Nobody is safe from the glare of her lens. Not even drunk childrens' entertainers.

Marge

Ooh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty! Krusty, say something funny.

Krusty

Uh, gee... a joke. Um... ummm... yeah... funny... oh... okay. This guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a twelve-inch pianist. Oh, no... wait! I can't tell that one!

Herbert Powell is Homer's formerly rich and successful half-brother. But he has an idea for a come-back that'll make him rich again. An electronic baby translator. And Maggie is his first guinea-pig.

Maggie

[Gurgles and babbles incoherently]

Translator

Lavish attention on me and entertain me.

Marge

Oh! Maggie, you talked!

Herbert Powell

You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind.

[LISA begins playing peek-a-boo with MAGGIE]

Lisa

Maggie! Maggie!

Maggie

[Gurgles and babbles incoherently]

Translator

Where did you go?

Lisa

Peek-a-boo!

Maggie

[Gurgles and babbles incoherently]

Translator

Oh, there you are. Very amusing.

Maggie

[Gurgles and babbles incoherently]

Translator

I have soiled myself. How embarrassing.