39 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of The Simpsons (1989)

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Doctor Loren Pryor has diagnosed Bart as suffering from a short attention span. I wonder where he got that from? Could it have been genetically inherited? Probably, yes.

Dr. Loren Pryor

I think what we have on our hands here, is a classic case of what laymen refer to as, "fear of failure." As a result, Bart is an underachiever and yet, he seems to be... how should I put this? Proud of it?

Homer

Hmmm.

Dr. Loren Pryor

One of his problems may be his short attention span, which can lead to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Homer

Uh-huh.

Dr. Loren Pryor

...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Homer is rich and successful. Don't panic... it's just a blip. But he's as good at spending cash as he is at earning it which means the family aren't actually saving.

Marge

Hmmm, Homer. Between your hair care products and new wardrobe, we're not saving anything for a rainy day.

Homer

Rainy day! There's never going to be a rainy day, Marge. There's not a cloud in the Simpson sky. And what does my little girl want?

Lisa

An absence of mood-swings and some stability in my life.

Homer

Yeah, hey... how about a pony?

Lisa

Okay!

The Simpsons have moved into a haunted house. Lisa has discovered that it was built on an Indian burial ground and Homer is not happy with the real-estate agent.

Homer

An ancient Indian WHAT?!

[HOMER picks up the phone and dials a number]

Mr. Plute? Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn't tell me it was built on an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! NO... YOU... DIDN'T! WELL, THAT'S NOT MY RECOLLECTION. YEAH? WELL, ALL RIGHT. GOODBYE.

Kang is an alien who has just beamed the Simpsons aboard his flying saucer. And he's keen to keep them entertained as they travel across the galaxy. There's just one thing missing.

Kang

It is our great pleasure to provide you with unlimited entertainment on your intergalactic journey. On this cable system, we receive over one million channels from the furthest reaches of the galaxy.

Bart

Do you get HBO?

Kang

No. That would cost extra.

This is one of Bart's many catchphrases and would make a great message tone for someone you really don't like very much.

Bart

Eat my shorts!

Barney is a Neanderthal. And his belch is his trademark. So why not use it as a message tone for someone just like him?

Barney

[Belches]

What did Homer expect when he asked Bart to say grace before the family ate? Of course he was going to come out with a wise-crack like this. He's Bart Simpson!

Homer

Bart. Would you like to say grace?

Bart

Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

After a successful run as mascot for the Springfield Isotopes, Homer is snapped up by the Capital City Capitals and Marge is expecting to get great seats for his inaugural game.

Bart

These seats stink.

Marge

You'd think the players wives would be a little closer to the action.

Woman #1

Actually, this section is for the players' ex-wives.

Woman #2

And then I found out that all the while, there was this bimbo in Kansas City. THROW IT AT HIS HEAD!

Dave Rosenfield isn't overly impressed with Homer's transition from minor to major league mascot. He's no choice but to let him go. But this conversation is made harder by Homer being nearly naked.

Dave Rosenfield

I'm sorry, young man. You're just not ready. Pick up your cheque at the front office and for GOD'S SAKE put some clothes on!

It's another classic Bart Simpson catchphrase. Perfect for a message tone for your boss or someone who's always bothering you unnecessarily.

Bart

Get bent!

How can anyone be this stupid? Oh, wait... right. This is Homer Simpson we're talking about, right? Yeah. Forget what I just said.

Homer

Hello, operator, give me the number for 9-1-1!

Inspired by a stuntman at a monster truck show, Bart has decided to attempt a death-defying leap across Springfield Gorge on his skateboard. Thank God there's an adult around to... oh... it's Otto.

Bart

Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.

Otto

You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.

Bart

What?

Otto

COOL!

It's the theme from The Itchy and Scratchy Show. Would make for a cool ringtone, right? Yeah. You're welcome!

[The Itchy and Scratchy Show theme tune]

Bart is hurt. Not badly. Just a bump on his head and a broken toe, neither of which Doctor Hibbert can resist prodding.

Lisa

Hello, Doctor Hibbert.

Doctor Hibbert

Hello, Lisa. Well, we've got a nasty bump on our head, haven't we?

Bart

Ow, quit it!

Doctor Hibbert

And a little, tiny broken toe.

Bart

Ow, quit it!

Marge

Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?

Doctor Hibbert

Hmmm... better let him rest up a while first.

Marge

Oh.

Mr. Burns has run Bart over in his car. Mr. Burns's car, obviously. Bart is too young to drive. And now he's in court. Mr. Burns, that is. Not Bart. Bart has done nothing wrong. Sheesh.

Court Officer

Springfield Municipal Court is now in session. Judge Molton presiding.

Attorney

Your honour, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is. That he is not like other men.

Mr. Burns

I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

Judge Molton

Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.

Mr. Burns

You wouldn't dare.

Judge Molton

Well, no... I... I guess I wouldn't.

Homer, in a brief moment of insanity, doubts his love for Marge. And he comes right out and says it. But he DOES make it clear that sex is still very much on the menu. Bet that came as a huge relief.

Marge

What are you saying, Homer?

Homer

I'm saying -

Homer (Inner Monologue)

She's been your wife for ten years. You've had three children together. It's time to be honest with her.

Homer

- I'm not sure I love you any more.

Marge

[Gasps]

Homer

But don't worry, I'll... I'll never let on. I'll... I'll still do all the bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad.

The key to successful parenting is to stick to your guns. If you've said no, continue saying no. Don't give in to begging or frustration because that way, insanity lies.

Lisa

Please, Dad. This argument humiliates us both.

Homer

If I said no the first time, what makes you think I'm going to say yes the second time?

Lisa

Nothing but you may say yes the ninety-ninth time.

Homer

Oh? Try me.

Lisa

Please, Dad.

Homer

No.

Lisa

Please, Dad.

Homer

No.

Lisa

Please, Dad.

Homer

No.

Lisa

Please, Dad.

Homer

No.

Lisa

Please, Dad.

Homer

No.

Lisa

Please, Dad.

Homer

No, oh... okay, okay!

What could be cuter than Bart and Lisa performing a duet at a Japanese sushi / karaoke bar? Except, they've chosen a rather unusual song to perform.

Bart

Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

Lisa

Shaft.

Bart

You're damn right. Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?

Lisa

Shaft.

Bart

Right on.

Homer has eaten a part of a blowfish that he shouldn't have. The poisonous section. Which means he's now living on borrowed time. And he's already wasted two hours waiting to hear the prognosis.

Doctor Hibbert

Um, your wife agreed that I should break this to you.

Homer

No need, Doc. I can read Marge like a book.

Marge

[Groans]

Homer

Woooo! It's good news, isn't it?

Doctor Hibbert

No, Mr. Simpson.

Homer

Oh.

Doctor Hibbert

If, in fact, you've consumed the venom of the blowfish, and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable, you have twenty-four hours to live.

Homer

TWENTY-FOUR HOURS?

Doctor Hibbert

Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.

Homer is living his last day. He wants to record a video message for Maggie. Which means borrowing Ned Flanders' camcorder. And politely declining his invitation to a barbecue in the process.

[The doorbell at the Flanders residence rings and NED finds HOMER standing on the doorstep]

Ned

Simpson! What a pleasant surprise. We were just pulling taffy.

Homer

Jee, the fun never stops at the Flanders house, does it?

Ned

No siree Bob!

Homer

Hey, Flanders, can I borrow your camcorder?

Ned

Okey-dokle.

[NED opens a cupboard, finds his camcorder and hands it to HOMER]

Hey, why don't you and your family come over for a barbecue tomorrow?

Homer

No, thanks.

Ned

Oh, are you sure? We've got that new propane beauty just sitting in the back yard.

Homer

No, I don't want to.

Ned

Oh, it's crying out to cook up some goodies -

Homer

FLANDERS, I SAID I DIDN'T... tomorrow? Sure. What the hey! I'd love to come to your barbecue. I'll even bring the thickest, juiciest T-Bones you've ever seen.

Ned

Mmm mmm. Sounds terrif.

[HOMER leaves, laughing]

Homer

The joke's on him. I'll be dead by then.

Homer has been locked up for speeding. His crime, apart from speeding, was demanding that the officers give him a ticket. They didn't take too kindly to being ordered about. So they arrested him.

[A fellow prisoner is sat on his bunk playing a harmonica]

Homer

That's sort of nice. What are you in for?

Harmonica Guy

Atmosphere.

It's Bart making yet another prank phone call to the long-suffering Moe Szyslak. He falls for it every time.

[The phone at Moe's Tavern rings and the proprietor answers it]

Moe

Hello, Moe's Tavern, birth place of the Rob Roy.

Bart

Is Seymour there? Last name... Butts.

Moe

Just a sec. HEY, IS THERE A BUTTS HERE? SEYMOUR BUTTS? HEY, EVERYBODY... I WANNA SEYMOUR BUTTS.

[The patrons laugh]

So, it was a shotgun wedding for Homer and Marge. I'm not really surprised. But I'm not sure that Lisa needs to know that their marriage was a necessity rather than a romantic coupling.

Lisa

How did Dad propose to you?

Marge

Um, well...

[We dissolve to a flashback of a young HOMER and MARGE in a doctor's office]

Doctor

Well, uh... Mrs. Bouvier, uh... I think we've found the reason why you've been throwing up in the morning. Congratulations.

Homer

D'OH!

Mount Sinai. 1200BC. Homer is a thief (no surprise there) and he meets with Ezron and Zohar. The latter has clearly been riding Homer's wife. Riding her like a pony.

Homer

Hey! Good evening, Ezron, carver of graven images.

Ezron

Oh, good evening, Homer the Thief. How is business?

Homer

Getting a little slow these past few months. Not much to steal in the desert, you know.

Ezron

Ah, do not worry, my friend. I figure we'll be wandering out here another two weeks tops.

Homer

Hey, good evening, Zohar the Adulterer. My wife sends her warmest regards.

Zohar

Oh, yes. She is a good woman. Very good.

Homer

Thank you, my lusty friend.

The problem with cable, especially when you haven't taken the time to set up a parental lock, is that your children can see some pretty unsavoury stuff when you're not supervising them.

V/O

You're watching Top Hat Entertainment. Adult programming all day, every day except in Florida and Utah. Coming up next... Stardust Memories.

[What is clearly a porno starts to play]

Bart

Aye carumba!

Another day, another prank call to Moe's tavern. When will Bart ever learn that this just isn't funny? But it is, isn't it? It is funny. Yeah. Keep up the good work, Bart!

Bart

[Dials Moe's Tavern]

Hello, is Homer there?

Moe

Homer who?

Bart

Homer... Sexual.

Moe

Wait one second, let me check. UH... HOMER SEXUAL? OH COME ON, COME ON... ONE OF YOU GUYS HAS GOTTA BE HOMER SEXUAL.

Homer

Don't look at me!

Patty has been on a date with Principal Skinner. I know, right? I always assumed he was gay. I mean, he's a middle aged man who lives with his mother for God's sake!

Selma

Tell me every filthy detail. Or is your tongue too tired?

Patty

Selma, it was a lousy meal, the movie was awful and he didn't get anything. Now goodnight!

The word "bastard" isn't really used in its original context much anymore because a lot of children are born to unmarried parents. But that doesn't stop Bart taking advantage.

Lisa

A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!

Bart

So, any idea where this bastard lives?

Homer

BART!

Bart

His parents aren't married, are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?

Homer

I guess he's got us there.

Marge

[Groans disapprovingly]

Bart

Bastard, bastard! Bastard, bastard!

Homer

BART!

Marge

BART!

Bart

Bastard, bastard!

Homer

BAARRTT!

Bart

Bastard, bastard, bastard...

What could be better as a message tone for someone than Krusty the Clown's trademark laugh?

Krusty

[Laughs]

Marge is quite the talented painter. Commissioned by Mr. Burns to paint his portrait, she's gone rogue and painted him stark naked. You'd think he'd be angry. But no. He actually quite likes it.

Mr. Burns

Marge, a word please? You know, I'm no art critic but I know what I hate. And I don't hate this. Your painting is bold but beautiful. And, uh... incidentally, thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.

Marge

I thought I did!

Mr. Bergstrom is a wonderful teacher. He's been brought in to cover Lisa's grade class and he's inspired and enchanted the young girl.

Lisa

Yes, Mr. Bergstrom?

Mr. Bergstrom

Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?

Lisa

No. Homework's not my father's specialty.

Mr. Bergstrom

Well, there's no shame in it. I mean, my Dad -

Lisa

Not mine.

Mr. Bergstrom

You didn't let me finish.

Lisa

Unless the next word was burp, you didn't have to.

Homer has made an a**hole of himself at a party at 742 Evergreen Terrace. He's been loud, brash, misogynistic and suggestive. And when the party winds down, Marge has to apologise for his behaviour.

Barney

Hey, thanks for inviting me. I had a wonderful time.

Marge

I must apologise for my husband.

Doctor Hibbert

If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

Marge

Mmm, thank you. I will, Doctor Hibbert. Thanks for coming.

Doctor Hibbert

Remember... I said if.

If you're going to fight with your spouse and don't want your children to know what's going on, go out somewhere. Don't sit in the car with the stereo playing. They'll cotton on very quickly.

Marge

I wanna make sure the kids don't hear. When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting.

[We cut to BART, LISA and MAGGIE gazing at the car in the driveway from the window]

Bart

They're fighting in the car again.

Lisa

That music always sends a chill down my spine.

The thing about a grenade is that once you've activated it, you need to get rid of it quickly. You have only a few seconds before it detonates and you don't want to still be holding it.

Mrs. Glick

Would you like something to eat? I've got dried apricots, almond paste, sauerkraut candy.

Bart

Uh, no thanks.

[BART notices a framed photograph of a soldier]

Who's that?

Mrs. Glick

That's my brother, Asa. He was killed in the Great War. Held a grenade too long.

[Cut to the trenches. ASA pulls the pin from a grenade and begins dedicating it to his country and fallen comrades]

Asa

This one's for you, Kaiser Bill. A special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the boys in D Company. Yeah, Johnny, Harris, Brooklyn Bob, and Reggie. Yeah, even Reggie. He ain't so stuck up once you get to -

[The grenade explodes and we see bits of ASA scattered over a wide area]

Mrs. Glick is watching TV while Bart works away weeding her garden. But what is she watching? Lifestyles of the Rich and Horny? Sheesh!

Female Character

Jack, please... I'm married.

Jack

Heh! That must be what's turning me on.

Female Character

Oh, stop it! Some more.

Mrs. Glick

Filthy. But genuinely arousing.

Homer has forced Bart to donate blood to save Mr. Burns's life. He was expecting gratitude in the form that folds. Instead, he's received a card. Just a card. And he's not best pleased.

Marge

Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do them because a fellow human-being needs a helping hand.

Homer

Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe with flowers and bells and Leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.

Bart

Yeah, Mom. We got hoes.

Homer

BART!

Trying to steal back a poisoned letter he accidentally sent to Mr. Burns, he's caught in the act by the old man himself. Awkward.

Mr. Burns

Can I help you?

Homer

[Screams]

Mr. Burns

Oh, don't be frightened of this. It's nothing but a letter opener. Who are you?

Homer (Inner Monologue)

Don't tell him. Give him a fake name.

Homer

Homer Simpson.

Homer (Inner Monologue)

D'oh!

It's time to deal with Homer. Waylon Smithers has enlisted the help of a local gangster to teach the man a lesson. But he has a conscience. As you're about to find out.

Waylon Smithers

Do you know Homer Simpson?

Gangster

Yeah, nice guy. Play Poker with him once in a while.

Waylon Smithers

Uh huh. We, um... need him beaten up.

Gangster

You got it.

Waylon Smithers

Wait.

Gangster

What is it?

Waylon Smithers

Uh, nothing. Wait!

Gangster

What?

Waylon Smithers

Beat but... don't kick.

Gangster

Hold the kicks. Got it.

It's another of Bart's famous prank calls to Moe's Tavern. This time, he's looking for Mike Rotch.

Moe

Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.

Bart

Uh, yeah, hello. Is Mike there? Last name... Rotch.

Moe

Hold on. I'll check. MIKE ROTCH. MIKE ROTCH. HEY, HAS ANYBODY SEEN MIKE ROTCH, LATELY?

[The patrons laugh]

Moe

Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm gonna catch you and I'm gonna... carve my name on your back with an icepick.

[BART and LISA laugh]