19 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of The Simpsons (1989)

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Springfield Elementary are holding their annual Christmas show. And Marge is one of hundreds of proud parents packed into the auditorium to enjoy what their talented offspring have to offer.

Marge

Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel.

Bart

Ohhhhhh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke its wheel, The Joker got aw -

[BART is yanked off the stage by his teacher]

Ever wondered where Santa's Little Helper came from or why he was so named? Well, we have to go back to the very first episode to find out.

Commentator

Attention, racing fans... we have a late scratch in the fourth race. Number eight, Sir Galahad will be replaced by Santa's Little Helper. Once again, Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa's Little Helper.

Homer

[Gasps]

Bart! Did you hear that? What a name! Santa's Little Helper? It's a sign. It's an omen.

Bart

It's a coincidence, Dad.

[BART gets dragged away by HOMER who's intent on placing a bet on SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER]

Lisa. She's such a sharp cookie. She might only be eight-years-old but she already has a handle on how her relationship with her father will dictate the nature of all her future relationships.

Selma

It's almost nine o'clock.

Patty

Where is Homer anyway? It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.

Lisa

What, Aunt Patty?

Patty

Oh nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.

Lisa

Well, I wish you wouldn't. Because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at at me and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.

Patty

Mmm hmm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.

Is Martin more perturbed by Bart's lack of respect for school property or his spelling of the word wiener? I think it might be the latter, to be honest.

Martin

Principal Skinner? One of my fellow children is vandalising school property.

Principal Skinner

Oh? Where?

Martin

Over there, sir. See?

Millhouse

Look out, Bart. Here comes Skinner!

Bart

Yikes!

Principal Skinner

Hmm. Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.

Martin

And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.

The first of many prank phone calls made by Bart to the long-suffering Moe Szyslak. And the idiot falls for it every single time. Every... single... time.

[The phone at Moe's Tavern rings and the proprietor answers it]

Moe

Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Is Mr. Freely there?

Moe

Who?

Bart

Freely. First initals I.P.

Moe

Hold on. I'll check.

[Addressing his patrons]

Uh, is I.P. Freely here? HEY, EVERYBODY! I.P. FREELY!

[The patrons of Moe's Tavern laugh]

The employees of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant have been invited to Mr. Burns's mansion for the annual picnic. And their families are invited, too. Which is bad news for Homer.

Mr. Burns

Make yourselves at home.

Bart

Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

I'm guessing that this short pep-talk is something that Homer has to give his family on a regular basis, whenever they're out together in public.

Homer

Now remember... as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

The Simpsons need money for family counselling and this means pawning their TV. Which is horrifying for Lisa and her siblings.

Homer

To save this family, we're going to have to make the supreme sacrifice.

Lisa

No, Dad. Please don't pawn the TV.

Bart

Oh come on, Dad. Anything but that.

Marge

Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?

Homer

Oh, I appreciate that, honey. But we need one-hundred and fifty dollars, here.

Another crank phonecall from Bart to Moe's Tavern. Will Moe fall for it a second time? Of course he will!

[The phone at Moe's Tavern rings once again and MOE answers it]

Moe

Yeah, Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.

Bart

Is Jacques there?

Moe

Who?

Bart

Jacques. Last name Strap.

Moe

Uh, hold on.

[MOE addressed his patrons]

Uhhh... JACQUES... STRAP. HEY, GUYS... I'M LOOKING FOR A JACQUES STRAP!

[MOE'S patrons laugh]

The life of a Sunday School Teacher is not a happy one. Especially when she works in Springfield.

Little Girl

Will my dog, Pepper be there?

Sunday School Teacher

I'm sorry but the answer is no.

Little Girl

Why not?

Sunday School Teacher

Because Heaven is for people.

Lisa

What about my cat, Snowball?

Sunday School Teacher

I'm sorry but the answer is no.

Millhouse

Will there be cavemen in heaven?

Sunday School Teacher

Certainly not.

Bart

Um, ma'am? What if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated... will it be waiting for you in Heaven?

Sunday School Teacher

For the last time, Bart... yes!

[We cut to the continuation of this conversation]

The ventriloquist goes to Heaven but the dummy doesn't.

Bart

Oh, oh, oh! Me!

Sunday School Teacher

Bart?

Bart

What about a robot with a human brain?

Sunday School Teacher

I don't know! All these questions! Is a little blind faith too much to ask?

[The church bell begins chiming, denoting the end of the service and the end of the Sunday School class, causing the children to cheer]

DON'T FORGET NEXT WEEK! REMEMBER TO READ...

Jacques is the handsome, attentive French bowling instructor who Marge briefly considers an affair with. And he's smoother than a cashmere codpiece.

Jacques

Meet me tomorrow for brunch.

Marge

What's brunch?

Jacques

You'd love it. It's not quite breakfast. It's not quite lunch. But it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast but you get a good meal.

Marge

I don't think so.

Jacques

Marge, darling... there are ten pins in my heart. You've knocked over eight... won't you please pick up that spare?

Jacques is still on a mission to get inside Marge's panties. It's time to introduce her to that classic breakfast cocktail, Mimosa. But Marge gets entirely the wrong idea.

Jacques

Mimosa?

Marge

I'm a married woman. Please don't call me that.

Jacques

[Laughs]

No, no, no, no, no. Mimosa is the name of the drink. It's orange juice and champagne. You're so wonderful that you thought it was something offensive.

Marge

Oh, well... thank you!

Homer is convinced that his marriage is coming to an end. And, as a result, he's unable to enjoy a toss around with Bart in the back yard. My God, that sounds all kinds of wrong!

Bart

Simpson checks the runner on first. He's cool. He's fine. Here's the line-up, and... here's the pitch.

[BART pitches the ball, hitting HOMER in the face and causing him to fall to the ground]

Dad! You didn't even say "ouch."

Homer

Oh, sorry. Ouch!

Long before people started to use strange pronouns to describe themselves, The Simpsons gave a nod to the concept. The fe-Mail Man? No. The correct term is Female Carrier.

[The doorbell rings at 742 Evergreen Terrace]

Bart

Uh-oh. It's the fe-Mail Man.

Lisa

Female Carrier, Bart.

Krusty. He has an almost cult-like hold over his young fans. I mean... he's a clown. But then so are most cult leaders, so I guess this works.

Krusty

Hey, kids! Who do you love?

Kids

KRUSTY!

Krusty

How much do you love me?

Kids

WITH ALL OUR HEARTS!

Krusty

What would you do if I went off the air?

Kids

WE'D KILL OURSELVES!

Krusty

[Laughs]

An armed robber, dressed as Krusty is robbing the Kwik-E-Mart. Luckily, Apu knows the drill.

Robber

Hand over all your money in a paper bag.

Apu

Yes, yes I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

Krusty is getting arrested for a robbery he simply didn't commit. And Chief Wiggum doesn't know the Miranda rights off the top of his head. Which is a shame, especially since he's the Chief of Police.

Krusty

Hey, hey.... what's going on here?

Chief Wiggum

Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say... blah, blah, blah... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Krusty

What is this? A joke?

Bart's third prank phone call to Moe's Tavern is certainly tamer than some of his later ones. This time, he's after Al. Al Coholic. Alcoholic. Get it? Good. Because Moe didn't!

Moe

Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Hello! Is Al there?

Moe

Al?

Bart

Yeah, Al. Last name... Coholic.

Moe

Let me check.

[MOE addresses his patrons]

PHONE CALL FOR AL. AL COHOLIC. IS THERE AN AL COHOLIC HERE?

[MOE'S patrons laugh at him]

Oliver Clothesoff. Strange name. You'd think that Moe would have cottoned on to this one right from the get-go. Oliver Clothesoff sounds like "All of her clothes off," right?!

Moe

Moe's Tavern.

Bart

Is Oliver there?

Moe

Who?

Bart

Oliver. Clothesoff.

Moe

Hold on. I'll check.

[MOE addresses his patrons]

OLIVER CLOTHESOFF. CALL FOR OLIVER CLOTHESOFF.

[BART and LISA laugh]