![The Armstrong & Miller Show (II)](media/0289.jpg)
The Armstrong & Miller Show (II)
© 2007 Toff Media Limited
In 2007, after nearly eight years away, Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller returned to UK screens (this time on the BBC) with their zany sketch show and introduced us to a host of brand new characters whose catchphrases became a cultural phenomenon. Here's our pick of the best moments from whatever seasons we can get our hands on!
ADDED: | CLIPS: 14
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS |
Clip 1 S02 E01 |
World War II. These two RAF pilots are typically "plummy" but speak like modern-day teenagers. So, it's all "innit" and "harsh". |
|
Airman #1 |
You still upset about that letter from home and sh*t? |
Airman #2 |
Yeah, it's made me all depressed, like with issues around self-esteem issues, you know. |
Airman #1 |
Go on, read it to me, blud. |
Airman #2 |
Here goes. "All right, Biffy, wh'appen?" |
Airman #1 |
- Classic opening. |
Airman #2 |
Yes. "Listen, I met this geezer, yeah, and he's from America, or something, yeah? He's a GI or some sh*t like that. And he, like, buys me stuff and gives me chewing gum and all this. And this is him to me - 'I love you.' And then this is me to him - 'I love you, too.' Then I let him touch me up behind the Tooting Granada. Really sorry." |
Airman #1 |
Oh, that's sh*t, man. That's a bad letter to get. |
Airman #2 |
Yeah. |
Airman #1 |
Especially from your dad. |
Airman #2 |
You know what I'm saying. Mum is so gonna kill him. |
Clip 2 S02 E01 |
Brabbins and Fyffe are loosely based on Flanders and Swann. They're classy English entertainers but their songs frequently descend into some pretty dark and disturbing territories. |
|
Brabbins & Fyffe |
♪ |
[The programme is cut by the BBC censors and the test card appears] |
Clip 3 S02 E01 |
Veal is Mr. Stafford's loyal servant. And the sh*t he has to put up with is frankly beyond belief. Forget household chores and silver spoon service, he has to go way above and beyond. |
|
Veal |
You rang, Mr Stafford? |
Mr. Stafford |
Ah, the very fellow. Once again, I find myself in need of your assistance, Veal. I fear I've got into a frightful chutney with a girl called Mary Gardner. |
Veal |
She's a scullery maid of Lord Dartmouth's, is she not, sir? |
Mr. Stafford |
Quite so, Veal. |
Veal |
Then I believe I can guess the nature of your difficulty. |
Mr. Stafford |
Good heavens! Can you? |
Veal |
Your Aunt Hilda instructed you to poach Miss Gardner for her own household staff, and in the process you've incurred the wrath of Lady Dartmouth and thus jeopardised the impending nuptials of Lord and Lady Dartmouth's daughter to your cousin, Horace. |
Mr. Stafford |
No, I shagged her senseless in the pantry a few weeks ago. Now the stupid b**ch is pregnant. And what's worse, the scaggy whore refuses to have an abortion. The damned cheek of it, Veal. |
Veal |
Right. |
Mr. Stafford |
Well, I feel a proper potato-neck, I don't mind telling you. So have her killed, there's a good chap. |
Veal |
Perhaps if sir were to disguise himself as an Abyssinian. |
Mr. Stafford |
No. Just have her killed. |
Veal |
Certainly, sir. |
Mr. Stafford |
Oh, and while you're out, a spot of heroin wouldn't go amiss. |
Veal |
Very good, sir. |
Clip 4 S02 E02 |
If you've ever watched Time Team, you'll know that this sketch is based on Tony Robinson and Mick Aston. But you never hear Mick saying this on a dig. |
|
Presenter |
After two days of, frankly, not very much happening, Dr. Richard has discovered something in the north trench. I'm just off to speak to him now. Dr. Richard, I've just been told you've made a startling discovery. |
Dr. Richard |
Yes. Archaeology's [BLEEP] boring. |
Clip 5 S02 E02 |
Howard. What the fu*k is wrong with Howard? Where does one even start with that? You'll see throughout the series that he's one very strange and sick individual. |
|
Dan's Girlfriend |
Honestly, you wouldn't believe some of the dodgy things that Dan's into. He's totally twisted. |
Dan |
Yeah, all right, okay, all right, I admit it... I'm a monster. Yeah, no, actually, having said that, I have got a thing about your gym socks. I don't know what it is. |
Dan's Girlfriend |
He has. |
Woman |
My ex was like that. What is it with you guys? He used to make me keep them on if I'd been running. |
Dan |
Yeah, well, it's a bloke thing. You know, we're all closet perverts. |
Woman |
Yeah, you big weirdos. |
Howard |
I'm a bit weird. |
Woman |
Oh, yeah. Really? |
Howard |
I like bunnies. |
Woman |
Here we go. Blokes and bunny girls. |
Man |
Strippers for ever. |
Howard |
No, I mean, like, actually bunnies. You know, real rabbits. I've got about thirty in a hutch in my garden. There's nothing like the brush of a rabbit's fur on your skin, you know, the soft tickle of its whiskers, and the way its coarse tongue gives you goose bumps every time it licks your nipples. I like to have two or three rabbits in the bed with me at night, pressed up against my naked back. And then I'll hold one of them really tightly at arm's length above me, you know, and squeeze it really hard until it sh*ts on me. |
[There's stunned silence] |
That a bit too weird? |
Clip 6 S02 E02 |
Here we go again with another Brabbins and Fyffe number, this time about falling from a ladder and tearing a hole in your perineum. A strange topic for a song if ever I heard one. |
|
Brabbins & Fyffe |
♪ |
Clip 7 S02 E03 |
It's Howard again. This time he's taking part in a group training session. You know where this is going, don't you? Yes. We all do. |
|
Facilitator |
Welcome, everyone. Now, before we get started, I like to play a little getting-to-know-you game. So, going round the group, I want you each to make two statements about yourself, preferably both of them quite surprising, one of which is true, okay, and one is a lie. So, go on, really throw me a curve ball. Kerry, do you mind starting? |
Kerry |
Oh, okay. Um... well, I've... I've been out with Brad Pitt. And... I've... swum with dolphins. |
Facilitator |
Oh, thank you, Kerry. Well, I don't think you'd have kept Brad to yourself for this long so I'm guessing that's the lie. Okay, Lee, one weird truth and one funny lie, please. |
Lee |
I once slept with Angelina Jolie and I have a pet rat. |
Facilitator |
Very good. Very good, Lee. I think we know which one's the lie there, don't we? Howard? |
Howard |
Oh, okay, um... I once slept with a Thai lady-boy... and I once slept with a Vietnamese lady-boy. |
[There's an awkward silence] |
Howard |
Bit too weird? |
Clip 8 S02 E03 |
Paul's father likes to think he's a "cool dad" but the fact is, he's seriously bad at parenting. I mean, who tells his thirteen-year-old son about tea-bagging and golden showers? |
|
[It's the middle of the night and PAUL has knocked on his father's bedroom door] |
Paul's Dad |
Oh, what's up, fella? |
Paul |
I can't sleep. |
Paul's Dad |
Oh, come on, champ. Room for one more on top deck. Is something up? It's just sometimes when I can't sleep, it's because I've got something on my mind. |
Paul |
Well, Mark Wollason says that if you kiss a girl, you can get an STD. |
Paul's Dad |
Wow, did he now? Well, Mark Wollason, whoever he might be, is talking complete rubbish. You can't catch an STD from kissing. Kissing is the simplest, purest, most enjoyable pleasure a guy and a girl can share. Tea-bagging, that'll give you an STD. Yeah, as will bare-backing, gang-banging, gunk-holing, threes-ups and BJs, they'll definitely give you an STD. Spatchc*cking, pole-vaulting, Russell-Branding, spit-spooning... yeah, piggy-hunting, flanging, spam-junking and dog-collaring. Oddly enough, though, golden showers... absolutely fine. Urine, you see? Nature's antiseptic, and therefore completely safe to drink. Come on. We've got a big weekend ahead of us. You've got rugby practice in the morning. Night-night. Sleep well. |
[He switches the light off without even waiting for PAUL to leave the room] |
Clip 9 S02 E03 |
I've flown internationally and I've never been offered a blow-job by a stewardess. And I think it's the same for 99.9% of airline passengers. Alexander Armstrong is the 0.1%. |
|
Stewardess |
Chicken or blow job, sir? |
Alexander |
Sorry? |
Stewardess |
Would you like the chicken or the blow job? |
Alexander |
Er, blow job, please. |
Stewardess |
And for you, sir? |
Ben |
Chicken for me, please. |
Stewardess |
There you go. |
Ben |
Thanks. |
Alexander |
Actually, that... that does look rather good. Can I have the chicken as well? |
Stewardess |
Of course. |
Clip 10 S02 E03 |
In this, the final instalment from Brabbins and Fyffe, they discuss dyslexia. I knew an atheist dyslexic once. He didn't believe in Dog. I thank you. |
|
Brabbins & Fyffe |
♪ |
[The BBC censor strikes again, cutting the broadcast just as it was getting interesting] |
Clip 11 S02 E04 |
When your teenage son is struggling to deal with his first crush, there are ways of dealing with it. Sensitive ways. To suggest that he's ugly and possibly gay is not the best way to tackle the issue. |
|
Paul's Father |
Oh, what?! Offside! Yeah, thanks, ref! Did you see that, Paul? Something up? Come on. Something's bothering you. I can tell. |
Paul |
It's just... |
Paul's Father |
Come on, champ. I'm not just your dad, I'm your best mate, remember? |
Paul |
Well, there's... there's this girl at school. |
Paul's Father |
Oh, I was wondering when this was gonna happen. Go on. |
Paul |
Well, she was... she was smiling at me in class, so I sent her a text message. She hasn't sent one back. |
Paul's Father |
Oh, dear. What's her name? |
Paul |
Tilly Green. |
Paul's Father |
Tilly Green. |
[Glancing at PAUL'S mobile phone] |
Is that her? |
Paul |
Yeah. |
Paul's Father |
Let's have a look. Well, you see what your problem is there, Paul. She's way out of your league. I mean, let's face it, Tilly's no oil painting but she's clearly a six going on a seven, whereas you're more... what, a three, maybe four, at a push? You know? I mean, we could get your ears pinned back, hose you down with DermaKlenz every morning, but you're still gonna be fighting the basics. To be honest with you, Paul, mate, I'm not 100% convinced you're straight, anyhow. So before sticking your head in the oven, try pulling a couple round the other side of the wicket. Think about it. I mean, Elton John married a complete munter then he switched sides, pulled David Furnish! Worth thinking about. |
Clip 12 S02 E04 |
Before the advent of DJs, the English nobility relied upon the services of a pianist to get their parties jumping. But this particular pianist is WAY ahead of his time. A hundred or so years ahead! |
|
Guest |
...caught it in a Turkish bordello. Of course, he's quite insane now. |
Pianist |
♪ |
[He glances around at the disapproving faces of the party guests] |
Okay. |
[He begins a new melody] |
♪ |
Clip 13 S02 E04 |
The party pianist strikes again. This time, he tries out the Electric Six classic "Gay Bar" but people of the early 1900s weren't ready for this kind of tune. |
|
Male Guest |
...yes, he drank twelve shots of absinthe then tried to swim the Channel. |
Female Guest |
...hypnotised into believing he was a steam locomotive. A very rum affair. |
Male Guest |
...all that was left was his top hat and his silk scarf. The rest was just dust. |
Pianist |
[Concludes his rendition of Greensleeves and starts playing a familiar pop melody] |
♪ |
[He glances around but his audience are not amused] |
No? |
[Unperturbed, he continues] |
♪ |
Clip 14 S02 E06 |
All right, one more ditty from Brabbins and Fyffe because we love our visitors so much. This one is about being gay. Or, rather, what Brabbins and Fyffe think it would be like to be gay. |
|
Brabbins & Fyffe |
♪ |