4 MP3 Audio clips from Season 4 of The Armstrong & Miller Show (I) (1999)

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International summits. They're not really a suitable place for childish practical jokes. Like drawing a penis on the right hand of the British Prime Minister, for example.

Prime Minister

You've drawn a c*ck on my hand.

Advisor

So?

Prime Minister

So, we're at a summit and you've drawn a c*ck on my hand.

Advisor

It was a joke.

Prime Minister

A joke? I'm the Prime Minister. I'm wandering around with a c*ck on my hand.

Advisor

No-one will notice.

Prime Minister

It's highly inappropriate.

[The PRIME MINISTER begins discreetly spitting on his hand and trying to rub the inked phallus off it]

Prime Minister

Oh, God. It won't come off. I'm meeting the Russian premier in half-an-hour. I've got to shake hands with him. What's he going to think?

Advisor

He'll see you've got a sense of humour.

Prime Minister

FU*K OFF!

The same international summit. The same Prime Minister. The same advisor who, this time, thinks that doing a Nazi salute is pretty funny.

Advisor

I might do my Nazi salute.

Prime Minister

Don't... you... dare.

Advisor

I might.

Prime Minister

Don't. No-one finds it funny.

Advisor

Well, one country doesn't find it funny. I'd be willing to bet the others still do find it pretty funny.

Prime Minister

Don't. DON'T!

[The ADVISOR throws a brief Nazi salute]

Advisor

Nobody noticed.

Prime Minister

Don't do it again.

Careers day at University can open many doors. Companies are looking for the right students, students are looking for the right careers. But male prostitution? Hmm. Maybe not.

Recruiter

Are you interested in male prostitution?

Student

Not really thought about it, really.

Recruiter

Perhaps you should. You're talking about taking it up the wrong 'un ten, fifteen times a day at fifty pounds a pop. You do the maths on that.

Student

Right, yeah.

Recruiter

On top of that, some clients may give you gifts. Jewellery, drugs and so on. And, you'll get to meet all sorts of men from the six foot five, very demanding skin-head right down to the businessman on his way home from work who just fancies a bit of "in the gob!"

Student

And uh... and you're looking for graduates, are you?

Recruiter

Very much so, yes. We're looking for someone with a 2.2 or higher. I mean, your average rent boy's all very well but they're frankly unreliable.

Student

Right, yeah.

Recruiter

We're looking for someone we can invest in. Having said that, we would start you off on the streets.

Student

Oh, yeah. Of course, of course.

Recruiter

Male prostitution can lead to other things. Daytime TV. Gay porn. That could be you in two years time.

Student

So, um... so how do I get started, then?

Recruiter

Well, we could start you right now. Big Frank's in the loo. He could initiate you. Have first crack at you, as it were.

Student

Right, yeah.

Recruiter

Just one thing. Are you hairy?

Student

Um... a bit.

Recruiter

That needn't be a problem. Shaving's always an option.

Student

Right. Well... I'd like to think about it. Um, can I take a brochure?

Recruiter

Please do. Let me give you one of my cards. And remember... it's a secure career. People are always gonna want to be taken up the Gary.

Student

Right. Thanks.

Teachers. Not just there to provide you with knowledge. But also to guide you through the ups and downs of life. To counsel you when things get tough, at home or at school. They're truly a lifeline.

Teacher

No-one bullies because they're happy. They bully because they're unhappy. You know. What's happened to make you start behaving like this?

Dean

It's none of your business.

Teacher

Look, Dean. I know I may be your Form Teacher but I like to think I'm also your friend. Hmm? What's going on with you?

Dean

It's my Dad.

Teacher

Oh, Dean.

Dean

He just went. My Mum's pretending nothing's happened. Ignoring it. Not talking to me about it.

Teacher

Look, I think the first thing to remember is that this isn't your fault. I think the most important thing you can do is -

[The bells rings denoting the end of the lesson]

- right. Fu*k off.

Dean

But what should I do, Sir?

Teacher

Fu*k off!