12 MP3 Audio clips from The Sweetest Thing (2002)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

In the opening scene of the movie, random men are being interviewed about what they know about Christina. And clearly there are some bruised male egos here.

Man

I met Christina at a bar. Hot piece of ass. Totally hit it off. All night long we dance, I... I buy her drinks. At the end of the night, she just splits. I lay down all that groundwork for nothing. Lesbian!

Clip 2

Same guy, this time with an apology. Of sorts. Only he's not really sorry about calling Christina a lesbian. Not at all. His ego is still bruised and he's still coming out fighting. For a moment.

Man

All right. Okay. I apologise for saying she was a lesbian. It's not true. My male ego got bruised and I lashed out. I'm... I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm not used to being blown off. That's all. I'm sure she wasn't trying to hurt me on purpose. I know deep down inside she's probably scared and lonely, just like everybody else. She'll settle down though, you know? Once she finds the right man. Or... woman. Maybe has a little boxed lunch at the Y. OH, JEEZ... I'M SORRY! DID I SAY IT AGAIN? YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT I SAID IT AGAIN! WHY DON'T YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD, CHRISTINA AND TAKE UP WOMEN'S GOLF? WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE DEPOT? THERE'S PROBABLY LOTS OF CARPET... YOU CAN MUNCH ON THERE, CHRISTINA!

[A group of women approach the man with bats and sticks and beat him to the ground]

Clip 3

The ladies' room of a nightclub. One girl upset and vomiting into the basin. A friend comforting her and holding her hair back. And it's all going so well until the vomiting girl stands up.

Woman #1

I can't believe he brought that b**ch to our bar. This is our bar.

Woman #2

Forget her. She's a skeez.

Woman #1

But is she prettier than me?

Woman #2

Of course not. You're beautiful.

[WOMAN #1 vomits all over WOMAN #2]

Woman #2

Oh my God, you fu*king b**ch!

Clip 4

Christina is dreaming. Peter has gone down on her and he's doing amazing things to her. When it's all over, he makes a statement that no man on earth would thank him for if he'd said it in real life.

Christina

Oh my God, you're so good at that.

Peter

If you don't mind, I'd like to do that every hour, on the hour, for the rest of our lives.

Christina

Of course, go right ahead.

Peter

Thank you. And don't worry about returning the favour. Men don't really like oral sex.

Christina

Yeah, right.

Peter

I'm serious. It's just a bad rumour that was started sometime in the '50s.

Christina

I had no idea. Yeah, I need to tell all my friends.

Peter

Please, do. Someone needs to put an end to this madness.

Clip 5

Three girls in a busy café talking about Jane's latest sexual conquest. It soon degenerates into a piece of musical theatre. But not a show you'd want to take your grandmother to.

Courtney

So how was, uh... how was girth?

Jane

Average-ish.

Christina

"Average-ish." That's good. So what did you tell him?

Jane

What do you mean?

Courtney

What do we always tell them, no matter what?

Jane

Oh. "Oh, my God! Your penis is so... big!"

Courtney

Good girl.

Christina

Your penis is so thick.

Courtney

Oh. Your penis is just so pretty.

All

You've got a handsome d*ck!

Christina

Your penis, it's so...

[She taps her glass]

...hard.

Courtney

Your penis is just so... large.

Christina

My body is a movie...

All

...and your penis is the star!

Christina

You're too big to fit in here.

[She covers her groin with her hand]

Courtney

Too big to fit in here, ow!

[She covers her buttocks with her hand]

Jane

Too big to fit in here.

[She covers her mouth with her hand]

[A DINER on a nearby table begins playing a version of "I'm Too Sexy" on his synthesiser]

All

You're too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.

Christina

Oh, my God!

Courtney

Oh, my God, it's Fame! We're in Fame right now.

All

What a lovely ride.

Jane

Your penis is a thrill.

Courtney

Your penis is a Cadillac.

Christina

A giant Coup de Ville.

All

Your penis packs a wallop.
Your penis brings a load.

Christina

And when it makes a deliveries,

All

it needs it's own zip code.

Christina

Nine...

All

... double zero, penis!

You're too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.

Your penis is so strong.
Your penis is so smooth.

Man #1

Your penis got a rhythm.

Man #2

Your penis makes me groove.

All

Your penis is a dream.

Old Lady

The biggest one I've seen.

Waitress

It's oozy and it's green.

Christina

Eew!

Waitress

Sorry.

All

You're too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.

You're too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.

Your penis is so big,
your penis is so thick,
your penis is so pretty,
you've got a handsome d*ck.

Your penis is so hard,
your penis is so large...

Jane

My body is a movie.

Old Lady

And your penis is the star.

All

Starring your penis!

You're too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.
You're too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.
Too big to fit in here.

Clip 6

There's no better way to cure a case of pre-wedding jitters than some time on a driving range. Apparently.

Roger

[Driving his golf ball]

Come on!

Peter

How much time we got?

Roger

We've got, like three hours before the rehearsal. Hit the ball.

[PETER drives the ball]

Roger

Oh, good shot!

Peter

FOUR!

[PETER'S ball strikes a caged golf cart driven by a man who is collecting balls from the driving range]

Man

I'M GONNA SHOVE THAT CLUB UP YOUR ASS, YOU D*CKLICKER!

Clip 7

Don't dismiss old people. They had a life, too. Take Gramps, for example. You'd assume he was talking about his wife. But no. He's talking about Pearl. Fu*k Grandma!

Gramps

Should have poked her in the whiskers when you had the chance.

Roger

What's that, Gramps?

Gramps

I met this hot young dish at the World's Fair back in 1940. Every moment with her was like a slice of heaven.

Peter

I bet you really miss Grandma, huh?

Gramps

Oh, fu*k Grandma! It's Pearl I'm talking about. She was the love of my life. Don't ever let these moments pass you by.

Clip 8

Courtney's car smells of mouldy ass. She's left something to rot on the back seats. And Christina needs to get to the bottom of just what that thing is.

Christina

What is that?

Courtney

What is what?

Christina

You don't smell that?

Courtney

Smell what? I don't smell anything.

Christina

Oh, Jesus. You're used to it. That's... that's what's really scary.

Courtney

I don't smell anything.

Christina

It smells like mouldy ass, is what it smells like in here.

Courtney

Wait a minute. Come to think of it, I did leave some ass in the back.

Christina

You did?

Courtney

About a week ago.

Christina

You did!

Courtney

It's the ass. It must be the ass.

[CHRISTINA starts climbing through to the rear seats to investigate the source of the smell]

No, no, no. Sit down. What are you doing?

Christina

Jesus, Courtney. What... what is all this crap?

Courtney

Just don't be throwing out anything I might need.

Christina

Where is it coming from, Courtney? Where? I can still smell it.

Courtney

Maybe it's you. Did something crawl up your punani?

Christina

Listen. I have never, ever had any complaints in the punani odour department.

Courtney

Yeah, well you know what? Neither have I, okay?

Christina

High-five on the clean punani.

[They high-five]

Clip 9

Why is it that when you're absolutely desperate for the toilet, someone's in there? And they're never just having a pee. Oh, no. They're constipated and taking their sweet time.

[CHRISTINA and COURTNEY hurry to the rest-stop's ladies' room and, finding it locked, CHRISTINA knocks urgently on the door]

Woman's Voice

Someone's in here!

Christina

Sorry!

Woman's Voice

It might be a while.

Christina

How long?

Woman's Voice

Let me put it to you this way... I had lamb curry last night and I'm sh*tting out a Buick.

Clip 10

The ladies' room being occupied, Christina and Courntey use the mens' room instead. Whilst Courtney attempts to use a urinal to relieve her bladder, Christina reads the graffiti on the wall.

Christina

You want to hear some poetry?

[CHRISTINA reads the limerick from the mens' room wall]

"There once was a man from Bandoo,
who fell asleep in a canoe.
He dreamed of Venus,
and played with his penis,
and woke up with a handful of goo."

Courtney

Wait! Don't make me laugh! Don't make me... oh, God!

Clip 11

Peter and Judy have jilted each other at the altar, both deciding that they don't want to get married. But the reception takes place anyway, regardless of how anyone feels.

Peter

Hi. How you doing?

Judy

I'm okay. You okay?

Peter

Yeah, no. I'm... I'm okay.

Judy's Father

You owe me thirty thousand for this wedding.

Judy

Daddy, please. So, you know what I'm thinking of doing?

Peter

What's that?

Judy

I think I'm gonna cash in the honeymoon tickets, fly to Bali, and go scuba diving.

Judy's Father

I'm gonna rip your face off, pecker-head.

Judy

Daddy, stop! Sweetie?

Peter

Yes?

Judy

I have a confession to make.

Judy's Father

I have a confession to make. You're a fu*king dead man!

Judy

Dad! I met someone.

Peter

You met someone?

Judy

Online.

Peter

Online.

Judy

His name is Ricky. I think he's really special.

Judy's Father

Ha, fu*k it! It's go time! Son of a b**ch!

[JUDY'S FATHER rushes PETER and knocks him to the ground]

Clip 12

Who knew that fat-free chips cause anal leakage? Well, Roger obviously didn't. Until Peter pointed it out. So go easy on those healthy snacks, people. The world could fall out of your ass!

Peter

I'd be careful with those fat-free chips. They cause anal leakage.

Roger

You cause anal leakage.

Peter

Says so on the bag.

[ROGER reads the bag and begins spitting out the chips]

Roger

What kind of marketing brainiac puts "anal leakage" on his product?