13 MP3 Audio clips from Bridget Jones's Baby (2016)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

Bridget's mother is a nightmare. We all know a mother like her (and if you don't, chances are it's you!) and we'd probably all do what Bridget is about to do.

Bridget's Mum

Hello darling. Just ringing to wish you a happy birthday.

Bridget

Mum? It's six a.m.

Bridget's Mum

I'm doing the FaceTime. Una taught me. It's really marvellous.

Bridget

Mum, the point of FaceTime is that you haven't got to put the phone to your ear.

Bridget's Mum

Oh, really? Oh, there you are! This time, forty-three years ago I was having a lamb biryani in an attempt to coax you out. Twenty-three hours of labour. Never been the same down there. It's a miracle, the gift of childbirth.

Bridget (V/O)

Here it comes.

Bridget's Mum

Penny Husband-Bosworth's son sells his sperm on the internet. You don't even need a man, Bridget. Some people have marvellous lives without them. I mean, look at you. A nice flat, a lovely job... nice flat...

Bridget

I'm putting the phone down now, mum.

Clip 2

It's Daniel Cleaver's funeral and the priest has invited the congregation to say something warm, winning and wonderful about the recently departed philanderer.

Priest

Would anybody else like to say a few words?

Shazza

Say something for his mum. Come on.

Bridget

Umm... Daniel was a man... who... touched many of us here today, including me. Oh dear. This is when Daniel would say, "Shut up, Jones." And he would be right, because all I really need to say is, um... Dear Daniel, I will miss you terribly. We all will.

Clip 3

Bridget works in the gallery of a TV news station. Miranda is the news anchor. Using the talk-back facility for this kind of banter is almost certain to end in disaster.

Bridget

It's me, checking talk-back.

Miranda

Yep. You didn't freeze your eggs by any chance, did you?

Bridget

No, I imagine they're hard boiled by now.

Miranda

You know what, Bridge? This weekend... you and me need to go out, and get stuck into some serious...

[Chime sounds]

Binge drinking, a dangerous scourge on society. Is new legislation needed?

Richard Finch

Bridget, Miranda, I've told you, don't talk between the bongs. Stick to the questions on the cue cards.

Studio Director

Miranda. Cue.

Miranda

The Foreign Secretary will be live in the studio... to talk about the looming crisis in Muribundi. You can always try online dating again. The other night I was on Tinder. Half an hour later I'm having a three-way with...

Studio Director

Miranda. Cue.

[Chime sounds]

Miranda

Prince Andrew, the Royal Special Representative for Trade and Investment...

Bridget

You did that on purpose.

Miranda

...has just written his first children's book. He had a massive c*ck.

Clip 4

A couple of days at a music festival is just what Bridget doesn't need but Miranda is insistent that it's just the ticket for getting her life back on track,

Miranda

What you need is a good shafting. You need some good old-fashioned, lie back and think of England bonking and festivals are sexual free-for-alls like Sodom and Gomorrah with tofu. First man you meet you've gotta sleep with.

Bridget

The first man?

Miranda

I'm not taking no for an answer. Look, I'm gonna find our backstage passes. You get the maps.

Clip 5

Turning up late for a christening is bad enough but when the (slightly) older sister of the baby being christened has a potty mouth, it gets even worse.

Little Girl

Where the fu*k were you?!

Clip 6

The party after the christening is just as bad. First, the DJ is playing Gangnam Style and then he totally fails to read the room by introducing the erection section.

Bridget

I'd ask you to join me, but I'm pretty sure you're... not a big Gangnam Style kind of guy.

Mark

I was only there very briefly.

Bridget

Where?

Mark

Gangnam. What are we talking about?

Bridget

Gangnam, dancing.

Mark

Ah. Not the suburb of Seoul?

Bridget

No. I'm not familiar with Gangnam, the suburb.

Mark

It literally means "South of the Han River." It was inhabited as early as the Paleolithic period.

Bridget

Suddenly seems so much less catchy.

DJ

Now something for you lovers out there. We're entering the erection section.

Shazza

Don't say fu*king erection at a christening!

Clip 7

Bridget is on her annual health-kick inspired this time by her desire to squeeze herself into ridiculously skinny teenage jeans.

Bridget (V/O)

Can't go back and keep making same mistakes. Must keep moving forward and make new ones. And will launch myself into frenzied keep fit regime. Am allowing four weeks to reduce thigh circumference in order to squeeze lardy ass into teenage skinny jeans... obviously not meant for women of a certain age.

[BRIDGET is talking to SHAZZA on FaceTime]

Bridget

All this bloody cycling is pointless. I'm putting on weight.

Shazza

Let's rule out some of the other options, shall we? You're not pregnant, are you?

Bridget

Of course not. A lady is always prepared and I always carry these in my handbag.

Shazza

Oh, God! You didn't use those, the... the vegan condoms?

Bridget

Biodegradable and dolphin friendly. If I'm going to be slutty, it's nice to think I'm helping the environment.

Shazza

Christ, Bridget. I remember when you bought those. That was.... I mean that was decades ago.

Bridget

Sell-by dates don't mean anything. Do they?

Clip 8

Alice is a pr**k. She's taken over the news station and is insistent that it's picked up by its shirt tails and shaken. Bridget, meanwhile, is secretly battling morning sickness.

Alice

Hi. So, I just wanted to connect, check how the presentation is shaping up.

Bridget

Yeah, totally on top of it, Neutribulleting the sh*t out of it.

Alice

I'm relying on you, Bridget. I need you to get this right. Understand?

Bridget

A hundred percent. You can count on me.

Alice

Great.

[BRIDGET suddenly and violently vomits into her wastepaper basket]

Colleague

You all right?

Clip 9

Bridget has hurried to the hospital with what she thought might be pre-eclampsia. But the formidable Doctor Rawlings (Emma Thompson) is about to set her straight.

Bridget

So everything's all right?

Doctor Rawlings

Yes, well, it's this combination... gherkins, anchovies, banana juice and Pringles.

Bridget

So essentially...

Doctor Rawlings

It's wind.

Bridget

Right, so, going forward... regular Pringles, not hot, spicy barbecue?

Doctor Rawlings

Or possibly no Pringles at all. Try that.

Clip 10

Mark, fashionably late to the party, has now arrived at the hospital to find Jack already there, taking care of his beloved and what could be his unborn child.

[MARK'S phone begins to ring]

Bridget

You should get it. It might be work.

Jack

Don't worry. I've got it covered.

Mark

YES, I CAN SEE THAT!

Jack

Wow! Okay, you need to chill out. We have to do this together. You know, in Peru, the Um Bat Do consider paternity a task shared between the many tribesmen.

Mark

Well, unfortunately, we Um Bat don't live in Peru. I live in Ealing.

Clip 11

Jack is trying to placate the irritated Mark in the hospital lobby. It's not working.

Jack

For better or worse, fate has brought us together.

Mark

It wasn't fate, it was condoms.

Jack

What do you mean?

Mark

Those ridiculous dolphin-friendly things from the bottom of Bridget's bag.

Clip 12

If you're in labour and your partner suggests that you, "breathe out of the pain", try asking him how he'd like to pass a Kiwi fruit through his penis. It's comparable... trust me.

Jack

Breathe out the pain.

Doctor Rawlings

[Entering the delivery room]

Oh, good.

Jack

Hey!

Doctor Rawlings

I was wondering how many fathers we'd get. A full house. Bingo! Bridget, how do you want do this? Epidural?

Jack

No, you can do this. A positive mental attitude is stronger than any drug. Okay? Just think away the pain.

Bridget

Oh bollocks to that! No, I want everything. Uh, gas, air, injections, morphine.

Jack

Bridget, remember your yoga.

Bridget

FU*K YOGA!

Doctor Rawlings

Oh, I couldn't agree with you more. It's supposed to relax one... but I just spend the entire time clenching my sphincter in an effort not to fart.

Clip 13

Witnessing the birth of your child is amazing. It's emotional, it's scary and it's something you'll never forget. I never once considered that it was like... well, this!

Doctor Rawlings

I'm not sure how much there is to gain from you two being at the coal face, if I'm honest. My ex-husband said it was like watching his favourite pub burn down. So... your choice.